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Image of the quote is loading... SaveSave Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said,

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?

Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.
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Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
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I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
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So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
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Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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