Steven Wright Quotes

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.
Steven Wright
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
Steven Wright
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
Steven Wright
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
Steven Wright
Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Steven Wright
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
Steven Wright
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
Steven Wright
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
Steven Wright
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
Steven Wright
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
Steven Wright
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Steven Wright
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Steven Wright
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
Steven Wright
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright