Humour Quotes - Page 3

Oh yes, it's very tragic. Why does everyone always like love stories? What about absence-of-love stories? Aren't they much more common?

Gabrielle Zevin

One quick glance around the room and I realise that I have somehow stumbled into a wannabe serial killer convention. Every single person in the room looks as if they are concealing a weapon of some sort. My heart thuds rapidly in my chest as I sneak past an elderly man who grins lecherously at me, flashing his gold tooth. Oh dear God, I’m going to die!First, I get dumped – on my birthday no less – and now I’m going to get knifed in some seedy bar!

Joanne McClean

You're alright, I guess; for, you're just being you, like any other cuckoo.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I'm a damsel, I'm in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

Walt Disney Company

That you exist, is offense enough to arrest you.

Fakeer Ishavardas

It is observed that Failed people can give a successful talk on hardwork.

Rahul Bodkhe

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

Stephen Herfst

People say talking to yourself is the first sign of madness. It's not. It's eye bloody spy.

Molly Looby

You know what would be awesome? . . . If I could have a machete.

Molly Looby

You can take that needle out of my leg now. I'd like to pull up my pants.

Alison Kemper

But the sounds behind me tell me why. I risk a glance and see so many Zs on our asses that I wonder if they've been doing pilates all this time to get in shape for the great Whispering Pines mad-dash marathon.

Jake Bible

It was during Latin that the Austro-Hungarians arrived with their dogs and zombies to kill everyone at the Eden College for Young Ladies.

David Wake

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

Cory Doctorow

lose weight, eat backwards.

Benny Bellamacina

It just a fun game, until someone starts to win and then everyone else begins to cheat!

Andrew James Pritchard

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

Renita D'Silva

Have you been reading those books that clueless illiterate Duja in charge of the lending library lets you borrow?’ ‘No, Ma.’ ‘Then what put you in mind of devils possessing nuns to take over the church?

Renita D'Silva

I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do.

Renita D'Silva

That's what yer little sister said,' said Hagrid, nodding at Ron. Met her jus' yesterday.' Hagrid looked sideways at Harry, his beard twitching. 'Said she was jus' lookin' round the grounds, but I reckon she was hopin' she might run inter someone else at my house.' He winked at Harry. 'If yeh ask me, she wouldn' say no ter a signed-''Oh, shut up,' said Harry. Ron snorted with laughter and the ground was sprayed with slugs.

J.K. Rowling

Uncle Vernon’s face worked furiously. The idea of being taught consideration by a man who had just blasted away half his living-room wall seemed to be causing him intense suffering.

J.K. Rowling

Ivanov: Gentlemen, you've again set up a drinking shop in my study... I have asked each and every one of you a thousand times not to do that... Look now, you've spilt vodka on a paper... and there are crumbs... and gherkins... It's disgusting!

Anton Chekhov

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

Spike Milligan

I give you full credit for the discovery, I crawl, I grovel, my name is Watson, and you need not say what you were just going to say, because I admit it all.

Dorothy L. Sayers

Humour is the best weapon to fight any battle. But there is a thin line between humour and humiliation and beware not to cross it.

Girish Kohli

Fearghus watched his mate a moment longer. It had been five years since he last saw her. Five years since he last touched her, kissed her, fucked her, saw her smile, told her to calm down, yanked a weapon from her hands before she hurt someone, or stopped her from getting in a pit brawl with her own daughter. It had been too long since he’d done all that and it was a bit overwhelming to be here now, so close to her after all this time.Annwyl slammed her spear into another Sovereign, then leaned against it, wiping her brow with the back of her hand and looking out over all the bodies she and her troops had left behind.She looked rather proud.

G.A. Aiken

It made Craze smile, despite wishing most of his body parts would find new homes and leave him in peace.

M. Pax

If natural selection can create creationists it can manage a caterpillar with a face on its arse.

Zane Stumpo

Are you saying that the Rebel Alliance were religious terrorists and Yoda was a benefit cheat?

Dave Turner

Sorry, no. I refuse to join an army which practices human sacrifice and has no adequate pension plan.

Toby Frost

Heartache makesfor good poetry,heartburnnot so much.

S. Tarr

Foxbrush sneezed again.He couldn't help himself. It's not something a fellow likes to do when a stunningly beautiful woman is leaning toward him with an expression on her face like Nidawi's wore. But sneezes are not prey to the wants or wishes of those inflicted with them. He sneezed so violently that he nearly knocked his forehead against Nidawi's exquisite little chin. She leapt back lightly, frowning at first, then shaking the frown into a rain of laughter.

Anne Elisabeth Stengl

If I don't keep this job, then my only future career-options are working in Argos, or being a prostitute,' I say, w

Caitlin Moran

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying what you bought yesterday.

Robert Morrissette

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying off what you bought yesterday.

Robert Morrissette

It was as though applied mathematics was my spouse, and pure mathematics was my secret lover.

Edward Frenkel

Dell had left the army and taken the discipline home with him. I’d left the theatre world and taken the whisky sodas home with me.

Mark Capell

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

Stephen Colbert

I want a new liver to replace my heart.""Um, why?""Because then I could drink more and care less.

L.A. Casey

Ever since, in the U.K. they banned smoking in public places, I've never enjoyed a drinks party ever again. And the reason, I only worked out just the other day, is when you go to a drinks party and you stand up and you hold a glass of red wine and you talk endlessly to people, you don't actually want to spend all the time talking. It's really, really tiring. Sometimes you just want to stand there silently, alone with your thoughts. Sometimes you just want to stand in the corner and stare out of the window. Now the problem is, when you can't smoke, if you stand and stare out of the window on your own, you're an antisocial, friendless idiot. If you stand and stare out of the window on your own with a cigarette, you're a fucking philosopher.

Rory Sutherland

Light and dark ain't supposed to mix. They're like broccoli and chocolate - just nasty when you put them together - but that appears to be what's happening with you

H.M. Ward

I flow like a butter in the nailed pan I stole. I also kept the nail, to polish and use as a means of teleportation.

Will Advise

Gods, man, don't you start now,' I said softly. 'We're going to get a terrible reputation if we just keep travelling across the countryside crying all the time.

Sebastien de Castell

Being under pressure is great, if it's all in the right place.

Benny Bellamacina

Zane raised his brow. “Didn’t I say that yesterday?” he asked, forcinghimself to be patient. Somehow.“You say that like you think I listen to you,” Ty responded instantly, asmile pulling at his lips.

Abigail Roux

A day without someone to hold you or a day without someone to share, is a day easily forgotten.’ - Vera Richardson in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots

D.M. Lee

My mouth went dry as I tried to remember all of Poppie’s tips for kissing over the years. She told me no guy wanted a girl with a mouth as wide as a guppy, who sucked his tongue with the force of a Dyson vacuum cleaner first time, or licked him to death like an overeager puppy. She’d told me to just purse my lips and let him lead and take control. Don’t slobber, don’t slobber, don’t slobber, I chanted to myself as he got closer and closer

Charlotte Fallowfield

Some people just don’t find their Prince Charming straight away, they have to search for him.

Charlotte Fallowfield

Percy looked at his friends. "I'm getting tired of this guy's shirt.""Combat time?" Piper grabbed her horn of plenty."I hate wonder bread," Jason said.Together, they charged.

Rick Riordan

The Romans always wanted bread and circuses-food and entertainement! As we destroy their city, I will offer them both. Behold, a sample!"Someething dropped from the ceiling and landed at Percy's feet: a loaf of sandwich bread in a white plastic wrapper with red and yellow dots.Percy picked it up. "Wonder bread?""Magnificent, isn't it?" Ephialtes eyes danced with crazy excitement.

Rick Riordan

According to Festus, our flying table, Buford, made it back safely while we were in Charleston, so those eagles didn't get him. Unfortunately, he lost the laundry bag with your pants.""Dang it!" Frank Barked, which Leo figured was probably severe profanity for him.No doubt Frank would've cursed some more -busting out the golly gees and the gosh darns- but Percy interrupted by doubling over and groaning."Did the world just turn upside down?" he asked.Jason pressed his hands to his head. "Yeah, and it's spinning. Everything is yellow. Is it supposed to be yellow?

Rick Riordan

Frank couldn't breathe underwater.But where was he?Percy turned in a full circle. Nothing. Then he glanced up. Hovering above him was a giant goldfish. Frank had turned -clothes, backpack, and all- into a koi the size of a teen-aged boy."dude." Percy sent his thoughts through the water, the way he spoke to other sea creatures. "A goldfish?"Frank's voice came back to him: "I freaked. We were talking about goldfish, so it was on my mind. Sue me.

Rick Riordan

A half-blood of the eldest dogs...

Rick Riordan

Edward, Edward," he said with a patronising smile, "there are no unanswered questions of any relevance. Every question that we need to ask has been answered fully. If you can't find the correct answer then you are obviously asking the wrong question.

Jasper Fforde

The glamour's off. Almost any question you ask can be answered. It's only the questions that you didn't know to ask that remain, dancing the can-can behind your back. The unknown unknowns.

Mark Forsyth

One group of riders doped, the others alongside them racing clean. You can work out for yourselves which group was fastest.

David Millar

Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, police grammar on the Internet.

Ruadhán J. McElroy

We find the library world, like the real world, impossible to understand on a rational basis. We turn then to the outer reaches of our mind and treat librarianship with the irrationality that it deserves. While we most often turn to humour merely to enjoy ourselves, we do sometimes do so to make a point. That point is simply that the world of librarianship is ridiculous and that we should all take a far less serious view of our work. What we accomplish as librarians is not, after all, likely to change the world."~ Norman D. Stevens

Peter Gellatly

I am not sure,' Mordecai told Thomas, 'whether omens can be trusted.''Of course they can.''I should like to hear your reasons. But show me your urine first.''You said I was cured,' Thomas protested. 'Eternal vigilance, dear Thomas, is the price of health. Piss for me.

Bernard Cornwell

So Beckendorf was pretty popular?" Leo asked. "I mean-before he blew up?

Rick Riordan

Leo got up and brushed himself off. "I hate that guy". He offered Jason his arm like they should go skipping together."I`m Dylan. I`m so cool, I want to date myself, but I can`t figure out how! You want to date me instead? You`re so lucky!""Leo" Jason said "You`re weird

Rick Riordan

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Humour Quotes - Page 3

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