Humour Quotes - Page 3

I am strangely excited to see how snarky and sarcastic all us bookworms are going to become when we’re old. We’ll all be Mother Ogma’s with tattoos and piercings and purple WoW leggings carrying wands and staffs, and best of all everyone’s hair will finally be able to hold colour because we’ll all have white hair! We’ll all be blogging on WordPress and still waiting for Sherlock and still celebrating Christmas with Doctor Who specials while our grandchildren play quidditch…

Katelynn Hillier

I thought the trees down in Lady Zelana’s country were about as big as a tree could get,” he said, “but the ones around here are so tall that they probably tickle the moon’s tummy when she goes by.

David Eddings

Anubis is associated with the mummification and protection of the dead for their journeys through Denver International Airport to the afterlife. He is usually portrayed as being half human and half jackal, and holding a metal detector in his hand ... Anubis is employed by the Department of Homeland Security to examine the hearts of all travellers to make sure they have not exceeded the weight limit for psychological baggage ... He is also shown frisking mummies and confiscating firearms and other contraband. It doesn't take much to tip the scales in favour of a dead body cavity search or an afterlifetime travel ban.

Stephen Moles

And yet methinks the older that one growsInclines us more to laugh than scold, though laughterLeaves us so doubly serious shortly after.

George Gordon Byron

They were like animals, men. They found too much eye contact threatening.

Jojo Moyes

He laughs. "No! Aguaje is for girls. If a man eats to much of it, he starts to look like a woman.""That is the most unscientific thing I've ever heard.""Then you haven't met my cousin Jacari." Eio swings the string of fruit back and forth. " Too much aguaje. Now the mothers use him as wet nurse."My mouth freezes in mid-bite, and I stare at him. "You're teasing me."A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. "Maybe.

Jessica Khoury

One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around.

Winston Groom

Without inquiring too deeply into the causes which make it possible to find subjects of gaiety always close at hand, the proof of that possibility can be found in the fact that persons of sensitive intelligence are capable of finding comic potentialities in everything and everybody, thereby demonstrating that if some people hold the belief that there is very little that is laughable in the world, the reason is that they lack the ability to find it.

Marcel Proust

I've always liked Belgian waffles, but I must say, I didn't think I would one day be having Belgian waffles in Belgium! I just sort of POOF found myself there and there I was with a gigantic Belgian waffle in my hands, standing on a sidewalk in Belgium!

C. JoyBell C.

Tiffany knew what the problem was immediately. She'd seen it before, atbirthday parties. Her brother was suffering from tragic sweetdeprivation. Yes, he was surrounded by sweets. But the moment he took anysweet at all, said his sugar-addled brain, that meant he was not takingall the rest. And there were so many sweets he'd never be able to eatthem all. It was too much to cope with. The only solution was to burstinto tears.

Terry Pratchett

But a cock does not enter a hen… it enters a…meow-meow!

Faraaz Kazi

...trying to predict whether global warming will moderate the next ice age is not only impossible but irrelevant. It doesn't help us get through the next few centuries. And one can only imagine our future, shivering, ice age descendants cursing us for leaving them no fossil fuel to create a global warming "greenhouse" effect when one is really needed.

John Harte

Historical Re-creation, he thought glumly, as they picked their way across, under, over or through the boulders and insect-buzzing heaps of splintered timber, with streamlets running everywhere. Only we do it with people dressing up and running around with blunt weapons, and people selling hot dogs, and the girls all miserable because they can only dress up as wenches, wenching being the only job available to women in the olden days.

Terry Pratchett

A sturdy hold, but I think there's something up with the material.

Pete Sortwell

While the archetype of the tinker is generally the whipping person in classical bedtimes stories, this particular individual was a tinker by trade and just happened to be economically disadvantaged.

James Finn Garner

I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.

Lauren Ambrose as Claire Fisher

Don't turn blue all over now.

Amish Tripathi

lectures broke into one's day and were clearly a terrible waste of time, necessary no doubt if you were reading law or medicine or some other vocational subject, but in the case of English, the natural thing to do was talk a lot, listen to music, drink coffee and wine, read books, and go to plays, perhaps be in plays…

Stephen Fry

I was coming down off the last painkiller left in my dresser drawer after Autumn tossed my stash. In that moment I was so groggy and happy I would have accepted a date with Oscar the Grouch - and planned to do some serious feeling up on the green furry beast too. Yeah, stooping to pharmaceutical-inspired sex fantasies about garbage can Sesame Street characters - that had to be the best Just Say No drug lecture a girl in a leg cast could ever receive to make her go cold turkey off the meds.

Rachel Cohn

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

Edward Gorey

We Slovenians are even better misers than you Scottish. You know how Scotland began? One of us Slovenians was spending too much money, so we put him on a boat and he landed in Scotland.

Slavoj Žižek

He once told me that an August evening was "as hot as three toads in a Cuisinart," a comparison that left me blinking two days later.

Dean Koontz

You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.

Jefferson Smith

Back in my day, which was about a week and a half ago, we took our lumps and we got back up and we cried like babies and quit and then put on weight.

Joss Whedon

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.

Christopher Hitchens

I'm too old to know everything

Oscar Wilde

I love you all, even those I don’t particularly like. That’s you, Beryl.

Derek Landy

CUSTOMER: I don’t know why she wants it, but my wife asked for a copy of The Dinosaur Cookbook.BOOKSELLER: The Dinah Shore Cookbook?

Jen Campbell

My aunt and overprivileged cousin only recognize two states of being: glitter and grunge. And if you weren’t glitter, well, that only left one other option.

Rachel Vincent

There was a family joke that Lucy's first words were, "Nicholas is bugging me!

Alyxandra Harvey

The man had a smooth voice, like velvet. “I’m Detective Inspector Me. Unusual name, I know. My family were incredibly narcissistic. I’m lucky I escaped with any degree of humility at all, to be honest, but then I’ve always managed to exceed expectations. You are Kenny Dunne, are you not?”“I am.”“Just a few questions for you, Mr Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?”“Sure,” Kenny said, slightly bafﬂed.“Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s important you feel comfortable around me, Kenny. It’s important we build up a level of trust. That way I’ll catch you completely unprepared when I suddenly accuse you of murder.

Derek Landy

Hey, Carrots," he says.

Cynthia Hand

But the plans were on display…”“On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.”“That’s the display department.”“With a flashlight.”“Ah, well, the lights had probably gone.”“So had the stairs.”“But look, you found the notice, didn’t you?”“Yes,” said Arthur, “yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying ‘Beware of the Leopard.

Douglas Adams

Valkyrie patted Fletcher’s arm. “Don’t worry,” she said. “If the bad man comes, I’ll protect you.”“If the bad man comes,” Fletcher responded, “I’ll bravely give out a high-pitched scream to distract him. I may even bravely faint, to give him a false sense of security. That will be your signal to strike.”“We make a great team.”“Just don’t forget to stand in front of me the whole time,” he said.

Derek Landy

I need a weapon,” Valkyrie muttered.“You’re an Elemental with a Necromancer ring, trained ina variety of martial arts by some of the best ﬁghters in the world,” Skulduggery pointed out. “I’m fairly certain that makes you a weapon.”“I mean a weapon you hold. You have a gun, Tanith has a sword... I want a stick.”“I’ll buy you a stick for Christmas.

Derek Landy

The middle class were invented to give the poor hope; the poor, to make the rich feel special; the rich, to humble the middle class.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

To evade arrogance, remind yourself (from time to time) that your talent or success could have been better. To be thankful, remind yourself (every now and then) that your illness or failure could have been worse.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people are still alive only because they find being dead more boring than being alive.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

What you need to succeed is already there, just lean on God. For your faith's sake, God can still disappoint the devil.

Patience Johnson

Cheap food always requires expensive treatment.

Patience Johnson

When last did you thank God? When last did you appreciate him? Some people are just busy praying for more things they need God to do. The best way to pray is by thanking God first for the things He has already done in your life. For the remaining job in your life, He knows how to finish it.

Patience Johnson

Satan can’t prevail against you when you know God’s Word and stand on it. So have your ‘It is written’ armour ready. Build yourself up on the Word of God before the attack comes.

Patience Johnson

Even those who want to go to heaven would rather kill than be killed.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The first step towards true enlightenment is to lighten up on yourself.

Bashar

We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.

Anissa Rafeh

...Come on let’s see the degree.” Katherine unrolled her scroll displaying a long declaration in Latin affixed with a red seal proclaiming her a Master of Art. “Imagine working for years to obtain a piece of paper we can hardly read ” Katherine joked. “And to officially declare you have talent ” Suzy returned.

E.A. Bucchianeri

... there was one new metallic monstrosity stacked in one corner that she hadn’t seen the last time she was a visitor to his strange chamber, it appeared to be a mass of hard drives all fused together, but they looked too sophisticated to be merely hard drives.“What on earth is that?” “That’s my Kung Fu,” he said proudly, patting the top of the futuristic-looking stack.“Is that what you wanted to show me?”“No, but it’s impressive, isn’t it?”“If you say so.”Steves sighed and shook his head, so few people could appreciate the intellectual complexity of an almost untraceable hacking device.

E.A. Bucchianeri

It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.

E.A. Bucchianeri

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

E.A. Bucchianeri

1. You left a multipack of Mars Bars on top of your wardrobe. Can I have one? Dad x2. I had three. Hope that's OK. Dad x3. I'm just going to have one more. Dad x4. Harriet, your Dad's made himself sick on an entire multipack of Mars Bars again. Please don't leave sweets where we can find them. A x

Holly Smale

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.

Mark Twain

Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.

Anissa Rafeh

Ah college years, those were the days. Pure freedom ... leaving home for the first time…the parties…”"What about the tutorials, the lectures, the large building with all the books called the ‘library’?”“Is that what those were?” Gerry blithely replied.

E.A. Bucchianeri

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

E.A. Bucchianeri

It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male

Keisha Keenleyside

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Humour Quotes - Page 3

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