Humour Quotes - Page 2

His cell-phone rang. Dominic fumbled for it on the nightstand next to the couch, the dim lights not helping his endeavour. He had piercing, generic, banal fluorescent lights on his face all the time at work and at University, it was so bad it made him loathe even natural sunlight. Lucky this apartment’s living room light had a dimmer. He flipped open his phone and said hello. ‘Hey Dom, how you doin’?’ a voice boomed. It was Ben. They proceeded to talk about the upcoming exams, which were deceptively close as it was week 10 at the moment. Yes, they would be alright. Yes, they would meet up afterwards. No, he hadn’t studied more than Ben had. As he clapped the phone closed after the genial conversation reached its natural nadir, he had forgotten most of what had been said

T.P. Grish

He plunged into the foliage, and was swept into a humid, wet world of towering trees, animal chirps and thick ferns. After a few steps, he turned, and could barely make out the village. He walked a few more steps. He could see nothing now except for the thick trees and long ferns and grasses that surrounded him. He was enveloped into the confined space between trees, surrounded by the jungle heat and staccato chirps. He turned in the direction of the village, but could only see thick, dense trees. Hoping his sense of direction had not been muddled, he turned back around to the direction of the alleged ocean, and kept walking.Now the calls he heard sounded more and more strange. How far had he walked by now? The jungle, or rain forest, whatever it was, did not relent, and he kept on weaving into narrow gaps between the sturdy ferns and towering trees, pressing onwards. This continued for a seemingly oppressive amount of time, and he began to doubt his decision. To come to this place. To take a chance with his life, which was going in the right direction. Why couldn’t he be happy with the normal and mundane, he cursed, scolding his own stubbornness

T.P. Grish

Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.

Katie McGarry

My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone," Reverend Jones said. "Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.

Mark Jackman

My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone," Revernd Jones said. "Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man Upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.

Mark Jackman

Teaching kids is like a 5 year old box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be good.

Zany Madcap

The meaning of sex is illustrated by two eponymous heroes of British history, King Edward VII (who flourished in the years before the First World War) and the King Edward variety of potato which has fed the British working class for almost as long). The potato, unlike the royal family, reproduces asexually. Every King Edward potato is identical to every other and each on has the same set of genes as the hoary ancestor of all potatoes bearing that name. This is convenient for the farmer and the grocer, which is why sex is not encouraged among potatoes.

Steve Jones

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

Ryan Lilly

Peace and gladness in every home is a peace for the society, nation and the world.

Lailah Gifty Akita

You do not respond to a mosquito bite with a hammer.

Patrick L.O. Lumumba

*Prostitution* is a euphemism for rape incidents that the victim and the economy profits from.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

In some cases, it is the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that has left her man for another.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

In many cases, it was the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that fell for her man.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Reframing your past painful experiences and seeing them in a humorous light takes away the power and emotional charge attached to the memory of the hurtful event.

Miya Yamanouchi

We are, or rather our natural desire to evade pain and to attain pleasure is, the primary reason we do or say every single thing we do or say.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

Karl Pilkington

These Hoes Just Gon Fuck Who Ever Poppin , You Better Be Careful, When you fuck em' Raw!

Genereux Philip

If an Artist falls in love with you, you will live forever.

Genereux Philip

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

Genereux Philip

Bitch, if I ain't a G, I'm an OG

Genereux Philip

I'm the G when you spell OG

Genereux Philip

The hardest part about walking away from someone is the part where you realize that, no matter how slowly you go, they will never run after you.

Genereux Philip

Most sexually adventurous women want a man who regards cunnilingus as a basic woman right.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The real purpose of the opposition is to minimize the amount of money the ruling party will have stolen from the people at the end of its term.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Our parents would not be ‘The best parents in the world’ (to us) if they were not our parents.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some men do not know the father of 'their' children.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The longest piece of literature I've read lately was a tattoo on this biker I picked up last night. It said, If you're this close, you've gotta suck it.

Eric Arvin

Coco Chanel is said to have said that a girl should be two things: who and what she is. I say a girl should do two things: what and who she wants.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I wouldn't do that," Silk advised. "Thinking about it isn't going to help, and it's only going to make you nervous.""Nervouser," Garion corrected. "I'm already nervous.""Is there such a word as "'nervouser'?" Silk asked Belgarath curiously. "There is now," Belgarath replied. "Garion just invented it.""I wish I could invent a word," Silk said admiringly to Garion.

David Eddings

Some mistakes are worse than others: wearing your underwear inside out isn’t as uncomfortable as wearing it back to front.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Every single living thing is food to at least one living thing.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some women have been faking orgasms for so long that they sometimes fake one when they are masturbating.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

But it is infamous that they have not told you!’ declared Eustacie. ‘Je n’en reviendrai jamais!’‘If it’s all the same to you, miss, I’d just as soon you’d talk in a Christian language,’ said Mr. Stubbs.

Georgette Heyer

You cannot really shame a man who sincerely does not care what others think of him.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Thanks to photography, some memories overstay their welcome.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If typos are God's way of keeping a writer humble, plot holes certainly keeps one on their knees.

E.A. Bucchianeri

I don't have a thing," Tengo said, "except my soul.""Sounds like a job for Mephistopheles," she said.

Haruki Murakami

What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

Ana Claudia Antunes

Not one of the boys like me. I’ve put their noses out of joint.”“Well, they were never good-looking lads.

Luggs

Mary, we met in a pub. As you weren’t banging a tambourine, I understand you weren’t selling the word of God.

Luggs

I saved a man's life once,' said Granny. 'Special medicine, twice a day. Boiled water with a bit of berry juice in it. Told him I'd bought it from the dwarves. That's the biggest part of doct'rin, really. Most people'll get over things if they put their minds to it, you just have to give them an interest.'She patted Esk's hand as nicely as possible. 'You're a bit young for this,' she said, 'but as you grow older you'll find most people don't set foot outside their own heads much.

Terry Pratchett

Number 1 is perhaps not the ideal. It is there for the one behind, the number 2. Mr 2 would learn a whole lot more being who he is than ever being Mr 1. Perhaps there is more to the phrase ‪#‎OddOneOut‬.

Nikhil Sharda

But how do we know it's working properly?''The green light is on.' said Jack.

Anna Moore

I always pick a gorgeous time to fall over a suitcase or something.

J.D. Salinger

Miss Climpson," said Lord Peter, "is a manifestation of the wasteful way in which this country is run. Look at electricity, Look at water-power. Look at the tides. Look at the sun. Millions of power units being given off into space every minute. Thousands of old maids, simply bursting with useful energy, forced by our stupid social system into hydros and hotels and communities and hostels and posts as companions, where their magnificent gossip-powers and units of inquisitiveness are allowed to dissipate themselves or even become harmful to the community, while the ratepayers' money is spent on getting work for which these women are providentially fitted, inefficiently carried out by ill-equipped policemen like you.

Dorothy L. Sayers

Making God a man is the consolation prize that our forefathers gave themselves for not being the ones who were each blessed with a vagina.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some of the people we feel sorry for feel sorry for us for thinking that they are the ones who should be felt sorry for.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Instead of being regarded as intelligent or knowledgeable, many a woman would rather be regarded as beautiful or good in the kitchen; many a man, as handsome or good in bed.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It is as difficult for most poor people to truly believe that they could someday escape poverty as it is for most wealthy people to truly believe that their wealth could someday escape them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If there were something that Mother Nature or God could do with money, She or He would have sold immortality to the rich a long time ago.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Poverty does not always prevent a rich person from dating someone who is poor, unless the man is the one who is poor.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It is in the best interest of the rich to preserve poverty.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people will each start investing more of their salary on ‘their’ house and spending less of it on ‘their’ car or cars only when they start being able to take ‘their’ house to work, funerals, weddings, etc.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armour shouting 'All the Gods are bastards.

Terry Pratchett

Most people do not mind dying, as long as that does not happen today.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Immediately after a divorce or a breakup, your mind whispers that there are plenty more fish in the sea, while your heart shouts that there is only one whoever-you-just-divorced-or-broke-up-with.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Many a woman is in a relationship with or married to her man not because she loves him but only because she likes men like him.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Many a woman would not be in a relationship with or married to her man, if he earned half of what he earns; and many a man would not be in a relationship with or married to his woman, if he earned twice as much as he earns.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Death is number one on the list of things that we wish were possible to leave behind when we escaped barbarism.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

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Humour Quotes - Page 2

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