Humour Quotes

No one likes sarcasm, Miss Cain. I’ve merely delayed my exit to promise you something. You took my straight razor, li’l darlin’. That I view as an unforgivable offense. So when the time comes, when you have served your purpose, I swear to you I’m gonna kill you for free.” And with that, Billy-Ray Sanguine disappeared into the ground. Then he popped his head back up. “Or at least half price.” And he was gone again.

My name is Mr Bread." He began writing his name neatly on the board. "But you can call me Peter."Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred."Pita Bread!" proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the back.

Christmas comes but once a year, starts in August ends in July

Benny Bellamacina

This is supposed to be a lighthearted session of symbolic document destruction, not a political debate.

I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream. You'd be daft not to try both when there are so many different flavors.

Björk

People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane, until we invented smartphones and social media.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

i do not give a sh*t, the toilet miss me now

Mohlalefi j motsima

I tend to throw tantrums a lot. Wear a helmet in my presence.

Natalya Vorobyova

It doesn't matter what your boss thinks as long as he doesn't cry.

Some of our friends are our friends only because we used to be friends.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Technically, you cannot really own a book you bought; you can only own the sheets of paper your copy is printed on; unless, of course, you are the book’s publisher.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

You do not respond to a mosquito bite with a hammer.

Patrick L.O. Lumumba

*Prostitution* is a euphemism for rape incidents that the victim and the economy profits from.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

In some cases, it is the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that has left her man for another.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

In many cases, it was the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that fell for her man.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

Genereux Philip

Bitch, if I ain't a G, I'm an OG

Genereux Philip

The real purpose of the opposition is to minimize the amount of money the ruling party will have stolen from the people at the end of its term.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I wouldn't do that," Silk advised. "Thinking about it isn't going to help, and it's only going to make you nervous.""Nervouser," Garion corrected. "I'm already nervous.""Is there such a word as "'nervouser'?" Silk asked Belgarath curiously. "There is now," Belgarath replied. "Garion just invented it.""I wish I could invent a word," Silk said admiringly to Garion.

Some mistakes are worse than others: wearing your underwear inside out isn’t as uncomfortable as wearing it back to front.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I don't have a thing," Tengo said, "except my soul.""Sounds like a job for Mephistopheles," she said.

Haruki Murakami

But how do we know it's working properly?''The green light is on.' said Jack.

Making God a man is the consolation prize that our forefathers gave themselves for not being the ones who were each blessed with a vagina.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some of the people we feel sorry for feel sorry for us for thinking that they are the ones who should be felt sorry for.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Instead of being regarded as intelligent or knowledgeable, many a woman would rather be regarded as beautiful or good in the kitchen; many a man, as handsome or good in bed.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If there were something that Mother Nature or God could do with money, She or He would have sold immortality to the rich a long time ago.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Poverty does not always prevent a rich person from dating someone who is poor, unless the man is the one who is poor.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It is in the best interest of the rich to preserve poverty.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people do not mind dying, as long as that does not happen today.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Many a woman would not be in a relationship with or married to her man, if he earned half of what he earns; and many a man would not be in a relationship with or married to his woman, if he earned twice as much as he earns.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Not everyone who has killed themselves because they were HIV positive would have been killed by AIDS.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Being HIV positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to die before each and every person who is HIV negative.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We human beings regard ourselves as (or compare ourselves to) animals only when it suits us.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If we had to earn our age by thinking for ourselves at least once a year, only a handful of people would reach adulthood.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as beautiful as she is).

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The answer to the question ‘How many children do you have?’ and the one to the question ‘How many children are you raising?’ are not identical in all cases: some men are not taking care of their own children, some are knowingly or unknowingly raising other men’s children, and some do not even know that they each have a child, another child, or other children.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some men are so indoctrinated that they sincerely believe that other than cooking and cleaning the only thing that a woman can do better than them is being a woman.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The only real reason that some relationships and marriages have not yet been ended is because in each case one of the partners has not yet found their ideal partner or someone they love or at least like.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The innocent little girl said at the end of her prayer "Jesus, please take care of yourself because if anything happens to you, we are all in trouble

Kingsley Opuwari Manuel

Some people would not have remained with their partners, if the unfortunate things that have happened to them had happened to their partners, or if the fortunate things that have happened to their partners had happened to them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people wouldn’t still be sane, if they were not religious or superstitious; some wouldn’t be disabled or dead.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Death would not surprise us as often as it does, if we let go of the misbelief that newborns are less mortal than the elderly.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Casting a curious gaze down on planet Earth, extra-terrestrial beings could well be forgiven for assuming that we humans are programmed in every move we make, by a palm-sized, oblong, slab of glass. More perplexing than that, who on earth could convince them otherwise ?

I am strangely excited to see how snarky and sarcastic all us bookworms are going to become when we’re old. We’ll all be Mother Ogma’s with tattoos and piercings and purple WoW leggings carrying wands and staffs, and best of all everyone’s hair will finally be able to hold colour because we’ll all have white hair! We’ll all be blogging on WordPress and still waiting for Sherlock and still celebrating Christmas with Doctor Who specials while our grandchildren play quidditch…

Katelynn Hillier

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