Humor Quotes - Page 9

Laughter is the only medicine, without side effects.

Shannon L. Alder

I pray this new year will be greater, smooth and brings best aroma to our smelling, normal burning for toothpicks, blue colours for great celebration, unlimited joy from nw, then and beyound in JESUS name ★FEYIKOGBON★

oladosu feyikogbon

Solus walked over to the young brown-haired man and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, ignoring the look of panic he received in return. "You can call me Solus." His golden eyes trailed meaningfully down the mortal's body before he added, softly, "I've been told it's easier to scream.

Remove God from the world of ideas. Remove government, politics from society. Keep sex, humor, utilities. Let private property go.

John Cage

Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.

Anger is like sex urge, once gratified, the inner voice calls you a stinking fool.

Michael Bassey Johnson

In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?

A man's love for a woman is not defined by his availability in bed, but by every ingredient he adds to improve the taste of the relationship.

Michael Bassey Johnson

When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.

My sub doesn't pay for me,” he says, pulling me to my feet. “That just doesn't happen.”“But we ordered so much,” I say helpl

So, if there are any couples here this evening having a secret extramarital affair, I encourage you to breed.

No. I can’t have sex with you today because there aren’t enough spoons.

They have been having sex for eighteen months now (he realizes he has to make himself stop counting, as if his sexual life is a prison term, and he is working toward its completion).

Hanya Yanagihara

The man kisses me and I just hop right on him like he's the hottest new ride at Disneyland.

Karen Marie Moning

I wondered how a man ever got an English girl into bed. What did they do with her hockey stick?

James A. Michener

I used to think that looking across a pillow into the fabulous face of Buster Keaton would be a more thrilling destiny than any screen career.

You think he has some bomb defusing MacGyver contraption cooked up that involves lube, condoms, and a paper clip?

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm". At the time this was the last thing on my mind...

Terry Pratchett

When reality and your dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.

The troops and their ladies had first drunk champagne. There were also remains of sandwiches, and I stepped on one, which I think was either cucumber or watercress. I scraped it off on the curbing, left it there for germs. I'll tell you this, though: No germ is going to leave the Solar System eating sissy stuff like that.Plutonium! Now there's the stuff to put hair on a microbe's chest.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

You can take a dog outside, but you can't make it pee

It’s like returning to a familiar room and noticing objects had been moved while you were gone—a chair here, a picture frame there. Items that were once brand new were suddenly broken in and worn from age. It was all very subtle, but enough to suspect paranormal activity or a cruel practical joke. When no one else saw what you saw, the freak factor really kicked in, because you were singled out and left questioning reality." ~Ellia

Because words have deep meaning, Tweets have power.

Come forward as servants of Islam, organize the people economically, socially, educationally and politically and I am sure that you will be a power that will be accepted by everybody.

Muhammad Ali Jinnah

Never give up hope! If you do, you be dead already.

Rose in The Inspired Caregiver

Quotes are echos of voices transporting wisdom, humor, and love. Returning again to the human condition, fleeting once more as a dove.

Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs.

Ljupka Cvetanova

His boat sank. They were all on his side.

Ljupka Cvetanova

I watched you undress. Shame on you!

Ljupka Cvetanova

Simple minded people do things like gossip, lie, spread rumors, and cause troubles. But, I know you're more intelligent.

Amaka Imani Nkosazana

One day, we will live in a world without salads. It is a dream I have.

Carl ''Cal'' Tuohey

He kissed the corner of her lips before whispering by her ear, “And that was just my hand, love.

Michelle M. Pillow

Ya were going to turn me into a rat? Had I known that I wouldn’t have tried to turn ya into a snake.

Michelle M. Pillow

Do not pay attention to my cousins. Every family needs a couple idiots and we keep them around for entertainment.

Michelle M. Pillow

Lydia had been fantasizing about him to the point she nearly drove him insane with it. It had taken four days for his energy to weaken inside her enough that he could go and visit her without fear she would throw him across the town in a gust of wind, and thus cause a scene. Although, getting run out of town after one day would be a new MacGregor record.

Michelle M. Pillow

Ly-di-ah! I sit beneath your window, laaaass, singing ’cause I loooove your a—”“For the love of St. Francis of Assisi, someone call a vet. There is an injured animal screaming in pain outside,” Charlotte interrupted the flow of music in ill-humor.

Michelle M. Pillow

A stóirín, ya are a handful of trouble, but I kind of like it.

Michelle M. Pillow

But in this case,” he continues, tracing the line of the plasterwork with one finger, “I feel that there is one cliché that sums up my position so admirably that it would be pure egotism to attempt a more interesting periphrasis. Plain speaking, therefore, there is to be.“There is undoubtedly a strong possibility, notwithstanding the vagaries of contingency and misfortune, that my son mighthave fallen—or might, we could say, have voluntarily jumped, in accordance with the ethical codes with which he has been brought up—for a play you have made with some success, although, as I am persuaded you would concede, very little originality.”Plain speaking if you’re Henry James, perhaps.

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

I treat my thoughts like an old person treats their valuables: I cannot for the life of me proceed to throwing them out.

My mind is like clay, but thank goodness God knows how to mold it!

Mary Kate

You can't fight hatred with hatred and expect anyone to listen to you. You can only try to lessen it with humor, wit, truth and commonsense. If that doesn't work run like hell, while they throw rocks at you.

Shannon L. Alder

But family connections are weird. Even if your relatives aren't good to you, they're still your blood. You can't lose that connection completely. And believe me, I've got a few relatives on my dad's side I'd love to lose.

Hermes gazed up at the stars. "My dear young cousin, if there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it. It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the Internet-""You invented the Inte

The greater the pain, the greater the fun.

You do not respond to a mosquito bite with a hammer.

Patrick L.O. Lumumba

Sometimes, how others look at it must not be how you should see it! Sometimes, how it means to others must not be how it should mean to you! Sometimes in life, things must have a different meaning to you, but positively; then you may be able to understand people and the mission, and accomplish the vision, with a good sense humor, seriousness and understanding, insight and wit, tenacity and distinctiveness, to the very end of your true strength!

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

I could not recall the last time I had been so flagrantly insulted.Don't make enemies, I told myself.Swallow your pride.Hold your tongue.But the fact was, I had real difficulty with those particular virtues.

Jen Crane

Hindsight isn’t a super power.

A female dragon’s tail is of the utmost importance to her. Male dragons find them irresistible. After all where do you think the term ‘Getting some tail’ came from?

Shut the front door!” Jenna exclaimed.Andrew disappeared into the foyer, and when he returned, his eyebrows were furrowed in confusion. “The door is shut?

When a Dragon, an Elf, and a Human walk into a bar, the Human is always going to be the punch line.

Toads are to dragons what carrots are to unicorns.

Take care of your car in the garage, and the car will take care of you on the road.

Among all the machines, motorcar is my favorite machine.

I am so obsessed with the cars that sometimes I feel like my heart is not a muscle, it's an engine.

I love the wheels, I mean steering wheel.

*Prostitution* is a euphemism for rape incidents that the victim and the economy profits from.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

And now that I have been scammed once, I felt like it could not happen to me again.

Vann Chow

There’s no such thing as free kittens.

Brian P. Cleary

Previous 1 … 7 8 9 10 11 … 19 Next