Humor Quotes - Page 8

This squirrel is inadequately afraid of humans! Squirrel, I am a threat to you! We are enemies! Please get off my bench! Oh, god! Oh, god! Don't touch me—oh, god!

John Green

Watch out for a man whose enemies keep disappearing.

C.J. Cherryh

Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.

Eoin Colfer

Chance likes to ride in back, standing up at red lights and pounding on the roof in (what he insists is) Morse code. We won't mention that to Dad.

Kelley York

Cabel gives her a quizzical look. "I am totally not getting enough attention here.

Lisa McMann

Gilded palace of Flying BurritosExcellent Nouveau Mexican CuisineWe all got to wear Swank-Ass Nudie SuitsI should have known it was a lousy pipe dreamOhhh, Ohhh, what an awesome jobOhhh, Ohhh, what do I do now??Ohh, Ohhhhh, it's like I've been robbedSpent the last of my paychequeAnd I'm feelin' pretty downnnnn!!

Bryan Lee O'Malley

All of the people took it up and sung it over and over until it was wrung dry, and no further innovations of tone and tempo were conceivable. Then they hushed and ate barbecue.

Zora Neale Hurston

If you drive a car, I'll tax the street;if you try to sit, I'll tax your seat; if you get too cold, I'll tax the heat; if you take a walk, I'll tax your feet.

George Harrison

Not everything needed to be processed. Some things needed to be ignored and slept on.

Max Wirestone

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

Bauvard

In some stories, it's easy. The moral of "The Three Bears," for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house." The moral of "Snow White" is "Never eat apples." The moral of World War One is "Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.

Lemony Snicket

How are babies made?" Visibly startled, Jordan turned and opened his mouth, as if he intended to speak, but for some reason no words came out. At first Alexandra was puzzled by his involuntary silence, but then understanding dawned. She shook her head and sighed with sympathy for their mutual plight. " You don't know either, do you?

Judith McNaught

Time travel is awesome....And useful. That sentence had a typo when I typed it...The first time.

Craig Benzine

Solutions sometimes present themselves after a reset.

Les Lynam

In another place was a vast array of idols—Polynesian, Mexican, Grecian, Phoenician, every country on earth I should think. And here, yielding to an irresistible impulse, I wrote my name upon the nose of a steatite monster from South America that particularly took my fancy.

H.G.Wells

The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago,' continued Marvin.

Douglas Adams

Time travel? I believe there are people regularly travelling back from the future and interfering with our lives on a daily basis. The evidence is all around us. I’m talking about how every time we make an insurance claim we discover that somehow mysteriously the exact thing we’re claiming for is now precisely excluded from our policy.

Douglas Adams

Why, yes. I am a strange wonder. The most special of snowflakes! Born out of time, forever running to catch up to it!

Ryan Graudin

The body, the mind, and the spirit don't form a pyramid, they form a circle. Each of them runs into the other two. The body isn't below the mind and the spirit; from the point of view it's between them. if you reside too much in the mind, then you get too abstract and cut off from the world. You long for the spiritual life, but you can't get to it, and you fall into despair. The exercise of the senses frees you from abstraction and opens the way to transcendence.

Jane Smiley

There is nothing that I so greatly admire as purposefulness. I have an enormous respect for people who know exactly what they are doing and where they are going. Such people are compact and integrated. They have clear edges. They give an impression of invulnerability and balance, and I wish I were one of them.

Louise Dickinson Rich

You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.

George Carlin

Humor can give you the edge you are looking for.

Jeffrey Gitomer

There goes the world's wimpiest vampire.

Heather Swain

Duke to Michel: I’m fairly certain that even ifyou’d struggle in a quiz against a pigeon, you are capable enough of opening doors.

Elias Zapple

Now it was Arla’s turn for astonishment. The Boy gave Perry a wide smile as he shook his hand. “You know the land you say? Up along the promontory? Good. Well, perhaps we should take you along. Do you have a horse?”“No” Perry replied. “But I can ride.”“Arla is quite slight,” the Boy said. “Perhaps she can ride the packhorse with our gear.”Arla gave a strangled gasp, and the Boy grinned at her. She realised he was joking, and breathed a sigh of relief. But she did not trust herself to speak. What did Branguin think he was doing?

J.J. Gadd

Jacob offered Ann pot, this time from a bowl. She shook her head no.“You gotta keep doing it and eventually it will start to feel good, and your body will adapt,” he encouraged. It was the same thing her mom’s yoga instructor had said to her once and her answer was the same both times.

Sage Steadman

Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are

Josh Stern

My first kiss as a single woman. It sent a tingle sprinting down my spine like a tingle panther.

Rosen Trevithick

His gaze settled on her mouth. “Have you been kissed before, inspector?”“Why?” If he wanted virgin lips, she’d claim to have serviced an army.“If it’s your first, I’ll do it differently.”“You won’t do it at all.”“Yes, I will.

Meljean Brook

When I kissed Brooks, it was like I’d been stun-gunned. But I was still conscious.”Debbie Mae’s eyebrows had gone way up. “Awake but nobody home?”“Well, maybe awake but somebody home with really, really bad judgment.

Mary Jane Hathaway

Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process?

Melissa Landers

Does it bother you when you see Daddy kissing Josh?” he asked.Ty shook his head and made a funny face. “No, not really. I guess you really like him a lot.”“I do,” Rex agreed. “I love Josh.”“I love Josh too, and so I don’t care if you kiss him. But I thought boys only kissed girls.”Rex nodded. “Yeah, well, that’s how it is most of the time, but you know some boys kiss other boys and some girls kiss other girls.”“Well, I don’t wanna kiss no girls!” Ty said emphatically.Rex and Josh both laughed. “Maybe someday you will, though. If you do, that’s fine, and if you don’t, that’s fine too. For right now, you can just kiss Daddy.” He leaned in and kissed Ty on the forehead.

Jeff Erno

This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table my life will be sour grapes and ashes without you.

Daisy Ashford

Olivia sat back and propped her half-boots on the table. 'So far it's working. He has to return to me because I have his sister hostage.' She briefly put her fingertips to her lips. 'Did I just say that? I mean I'm protecting the baby sister and earning his trust

Kresley Cole

It was February sixth: eight days until Valentine's Day. I was dateless, as usual, deep in the vice grip of unrequited love. It was bad enough not having a boyfriend for New Year's Eve. Now I had to cope with Valentine datelessness, feeling consummate social pressure from every retailer in America who stuck hearts and cupids in their windows by January second to rub it in.

Joan Bauer

There were some days that deserved to be drowned at birth and everyone sent back to bed with a hot brandy, a box of chocolates and a warm, energetic companion. Today was without question one of those days.

Diana Pharaoh Francis

Also not the kind of place to hide a server.""Is that another pun?" She asked."No! I swear! I didn't mean that one."~Shell Game, Kingdom Keepers #5

Ridley Pearson

I was into third guesses with Theo and Maddy. Anyway, that's one of the reasons I opted to buythe van and drive cross-country instead of dumping us all in a plane. It gave us some time. Nothinglike a three-thousand-mile drive in an enclosed vehicle to cement a family unit—if you live throughit.""It was very brave of you.""You want to talk courage?" He drove easily up the lane to the villa. "I've been chief taste-testeron this wine experiment Maddy's conducting. It's brut

Nora Roberts

I said that additionally, since I was planning to nurse, it be best if you were off the breast before I came back to work. My boss just looked at me dreamily and said, 'That won't be for sixty years, at least.

Suzanne Finnamore

I've never, ever, ever -- in my entire life -- fought over a man. I've fought women who've hit me because of a man, but then I was fighting to bust her ass, not defend his.

Karen E. Quinones Miller

After you are here, I will try not to become one of those parents who brag incessantly about their children, who force them to recite the alphabet backward or sing the Lord's Prayer in German to horrified dinner guests. One of those parents who tell people who aren't interested and haven't askd what their progeny's grade-point average is, what school they go to, how handsome and brilliant and psychic they are. If something goes awry and I do become one of those parents, you have my permission to sneak into my bedroom while I am sleeping and pinch my nostrils shut.

Suzanne Finnamore

There's a Drunk Midget in My HouseAh, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Like most people who have had one baby, I am an expert on everythiing and will tell you, unsolicited, how to raise your kid!

Tina Fey

I kept trying to explain and he kept shouting until I began to cry from frustration. Then he felt remorseful, which was so unlike him and endearing that I almost changed my mind and said yes. But then I imagined a lifetime of having to cry to get him to be kind, and I went back to no again.

Mary Ann Shaffer

Regardless of what others may tell you, you only need two Mexican-Americans for a Mexican standoff.

Alejandra Díaz Mattoni

A knight can fight. As you well know, I fight about as well as a pillow.""That's an insult to pillows. At least they can take a beating.

Eli Brown

The answer to enemies who heal annoyingly fast is always, always decapitation. That is why swords will never go out of style.

Kevin Hearne

Well, at first I was thinking we could challenge them to a few rounds of Scattergories, but then I realized fighting would be way more emotionally satisfying." -Buffy

Brian K. Vaughan

Where in the nine hells did you ever find the notion that I would fight fair?”-Drizzt Do'Urden

R.A. Salvatore

Shoot faceless, white blobs. Roger that Menace, Gamma Kitten One over and out.

Alanea Alder

Do you know what I think?" Marcone said."You think we should shoot Nicodemus in the back at the first opportunity and let Michael dismember him.""Yes."I drew my gun. "Okay.

Jim Butcher

In a fair fight, the don's man would almost certainly paint the walls with Locke and Calo's blood, so it stood to reason that this fight would have to be as unfair as possible.

Scott Lynch

Great idea," I said. "Call the police. Call the fucking police.

Ava Gardner

Then, aided by the booze, like a fool I tossed off one of those throwaway lines that would have been better thrown away. "Ah, Frank! I thought you were going to be down here fucking Lana.

Ava Gardner

If they look as though they're worried, we'll move in.''And do what exactly?' said Polly.'Threaten to shoot them,' said Maladict firmly.'And if they don't believ

Terry Pratchett

Stefan spat. "Oh, aye, he fell. O' course, Master Ralon helped him fall, several times. Poor li'l tyke didn't have a chance.

Tamora Pierce

I must do whatever I can to find the best partners possible." "Did you kick their butts?" He frowned. "The buttocks are among the least sensitive places to hit someone." I laughed. "It's a figure of speech." "To kick butts. Interesting.

Allison van Diepen

The next time somebody announces that he plans to get Medieval on your ass, tell him you're going to get Renaissance on his gonads.

James K. Morrow

The "Wet Tongue Gets Stuck To A Frozen Flagpole" attack!

Hiromu Arakawa

Dealing with jackasses on every front today. Good thing I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. (Charlie Sheen Reference)

Greg Campbell

Wraith snorted. "Cowards. Seriously. Who brings a gun to a knife fight? That's cheating.""You don't have a gun?" Kynan asked.Wraith made a face of digust. "It's not very sporting to shoot people.""So you're saying that you didn't shoot the people who shot you?""Hell, yeah, I shot them.

Larissa Ione

Previous 1 … 6 7 8 9 10 … 222 Next

Humor Quotes - Page 8

Related Topics