Humor Quotes - Page 7

Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.

Jenny Lawson

One of my father's RULES FOR LIFE was to marry a woman who was smarter than you. "I did this," he would say to me, "and you should do it, too. I say, why do all the thinking?

Nicholas Sparks

RULES OF FAIRYLAND-BELOWBEWARE OF DOGANYTHING IMPORTANT COMES IN THREES AND SIXESDO NOT STEAL QUEENSA GIRL IN THE WILD IS WORTH TWO IN CHAINSNECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF TEMPTATIONEVERYTHING MUST BE PAID FOR SOONER OR LATERWHAT GOES DOWN MUST COME UP

Catherynne M. Valente

Don't be afraid to make an ass of yourself. I do it all the time, and look what I got." (Spoken at a graduation ceremony while holding aloft an honorary doctoral degree from McGill University)

William Shatner

[Will Turner] "You didn't beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement."[Captain Jack Sparrow] "...that's not much incentive for me to fight fair then is it?

Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio

I hate when I break my own rules. What’s the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown?

Jesse Ball

I stepped forward as commanded, wondering which of the many rules I had broken now.

Georg Rauch

3) Saturday night is the official meeting night of Penny Lane's Lonely Hearts Club. Attendance is mandatory. Exceptions are for family emergencies and bad hair days only.

Elizabeth Eulberg

Ricewind had always relied on running away. But somerimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight, if only because there was nowhere left to run.

Terry Pratchett

A stab had clearly once been made at de-uglifying these public spaces by painting a corridor a jaunty yellow. This was because, it turned out, babies come here to have their brains tested and someone thought the yellow might calm them. But I couldn’t see how. Such was the oppressive ugliness of this building it would have been like sticking a red nose on a cadaver and calling it Ronald McDonald.

Jon Ronson

Taking a dump...blackout

Batuhan Ibal

Waldo was not alone by any means in trembling over an unjust plight. With the recent uproar over drunk driving, arrests had skyrocketed and detention centers all around the country were overflowing with bewildered motorists. Many of these dumbstruck, inebriated souls had been transferred and thoughtfully placed behind the same bars that held back murderers and rapists. Unfortunately for our heroes, they now joined the ranks of these luckless citizens.

Donald Jeffries

Never underestimate the fury of an angry mother, Caspar. They're the most vicious creatures in the world.

Elizabeth Hunter

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.

Brian Spellman

If I had still been an immortal, I might have flirted with her myself. But I was now a sixteen-year-old boy. My mortal form was working its way upon my state of mind. I saw Sally Jackson as a mom—a fact that both consternated and embarrassed me. I thought about how long it had been since I had called my own mother. I should probably take her to lunch when I got back to Olympus.

Rick Riordan

My mother was either telepathic or she had secret cameras in my apartment, and I hoped for the latter.

Atom Yang

I'm a mother," said her mother, in her foodless flat where the dust did not dare to settle, "and I know what I know.

Neil Gaiman

Breakfast was the full whammy: eggs, rashers, sausages, black pudding, fried bread, fried tomatoes. This was clearly some kind of statement, but I couldn't work out whether it was See, we're doing just grand without you, or I'm still slaving my fingers to the bone for you even though you don't deserve it, or possibly We'll be even when this lot gives you a heart attack.

Tana French

That's your mom, right?" Pathik smiled. "She looks nicer than she did when she was dragging you away the other night.

Teri Hall

Is Lisa going to the prom?'I shelved my worries for the moment. 'I don't know, Mom. We don't talk about the You-Know-What. We made a pact.'You could go together, if you didn't want to mess with dates and things.'I don't want to mess with the prom at all, Mom.'She ignored me, placidly eating popcorn, piece by piece.'Some girls in my high school class did that and had a wonderful time. They weren't lesbians or anything. Not that it would matter if they were.'That's nice, Mom. I'm glad you're so open-minded.' I grabbed my Coke and the popcorn bowl and headed for the stairs, because I could go my whole life without ever hearing my mother talk about lesbians again.Maybe you could take Justin to the prom,' she called after me, laughter in her voice. 'He is such a hottie.'Shoot me now.

Rosemary Clement-Moore

This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there's someone else to do the housework.

Ben Aaronovitch

Dr. Pervy-PantsDr. DepravityDr. Ain't-Puttin'-OutDr. Bossy-as-FuckDr. Obsessive-CompulsiveDr. KinkybonesDr. DeviantDr. Oh-So-Proper-I-Iron-My-JeansDr. Lick-My-BootsDr. Smug-as-ShitDr. Love-Me-Love-My-Butt-NozzleDr. Damn-Your-Dick-is-Motherfucking-BigDr. Full-of-ShitDr. Smack-a-LotDr. Ruined-Me-For-Anyone-Else

Finn Marlowe

Master, don’t. Please.”“Please is a great word–and I intend to please. Me, for sure. Maybe even you.” Lindsey and deVries

Cherise Sinclair

It’s not funny. How would you like it if your balls fled in fear? My balls haven’t been this frightened since I dove into the icy water at the Polar Bear Plunge my first year of high school.

K.C. Faelan

A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it is now quite literally the cornerstone of one of America’s greatest ballparks.(Fenway)

Nicole McKay

I've never seen Star Wars or The Godfather, so that would be a good excuse for us to spend a bunch of time together.

Lena Dunham

The TV shouted an old black-and-white film he didn't recognize, wheelchairs facing it like church pews.

Seré Prince Halverson

[on Martin Freeman playing Bilbo Baggins] It was great. I got to hang out with him, and I kept a straight face for a bit and then I started giggling because I know Martin, I don't know Bilbo. For Martin to be sitting there playing Bilbo is amazing. He's going to be amazing, he's going to be fantastic in this film.

Benedict Cumberbatch

Film lovers are sick people.

François Truffaut

Ever director has at least 10 bad films in them.

Robert Rodríguez

This bastard was in a self-help program? For what? Square-jawed, cleft-chin sufferers? Handsome Bastards Anonymous?

Susan Juby

Some folks rail against other folks, because other folks have what some folks would be glad of.

Henry Fielding

When I envied a man's spurs then they were indeed worth coveting.

Zane Grey

I hated puberty. It had been that horrible stage from child hood, to pre teen, and my stage from ugly, to ugly with menstrual cramps.

Melissa Grijalva

To the attention of the New Fiddleham Police Department: You've got my middle-C, and I would like it back....Please return Jackaby's tuning fork. He's getting even more obnoxious than usual.

William Ritter

It’s not an ordinary cash wash, Jake,” Jean smiled. “C’est très spécial... et il a un secret!”“I understood special and secret,” Jake said. “That’s about it.

Zechariah Barrett

Sometimes I think I'm an alien that accidentally fell off the mother ship, destined to wander among clueless earthling parents for all eternity.

Sarah Ockler

There was nothing I could say in retaliation except something that would confuse her.

E. Lockhart

What is your definition of skank?' I ask.'A skank fucks skeezas she barely knows.

Megan McCafferty

What’s the biggest problem facing teenagers today? Ourselves. We’re a generation of lazy underachievers who need to learn that hard work pays off. What’s your town known for? Cow manure! Hold for laughs... Actually Irondale is the setting of Fannie Flagg’s famous novel Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café. Why’d you enter the Junior Miss Birmingham pageant? To win... to go to State... then Nationals... maybe get the hell out of Alabama.

Nadria Tucker

They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!!

Neil Leckman

Anyway, it was Oscar who called me to remind me that our nephew, Lydia's son Garnett, was turning eleven years old. Fuck my life. I hated that kid. He smelled like asparagus, and he sweated way too much for a healthy child; but then Garnett, given his propensity for biting teachers and catching chipmunks in the backyard only to bury them alive, was no normal kid. He was a case study for sociopathic behavior in the making. A walking, talking, farting, sweaty, odorous, chipmunk-burying cry for help.

Richard J. O'Brien

I think we should wean Grandma.

Renata Suerth

Fiction is the poor persons travel agent.

L.Douglas Muncy

The hardest thing about talking to teenagers, I had discovered, was that whatever you said inevitably came across like something an elderly aunt would say at a wedding.

Jojo Moyes

You mustn't stand about. Come home with me to dinner.’‘No.’ More shakes his head. ‘I would rather be blown around on the river and go home hungry. If I could trust you only to put food in my mouth – but you will put words into it.

Hilary Mantel

Which meant it was time for the centerpiece of the celebration, the reason they were all gathered on Saturday, the weekly episode of what, as far as many of the Davidsons including Jody were concerned was the greatest television show ever made. Hee Haw. While Roy and Buck sang the opening song, everyone would bicker and talk back and forth, what was better about the show, the music or the humor, what have you, the natural result of 40 people crowded around one rabbit eared television set. But once Hee Haw started, the talking was over. After that, it was all about the love. And so was everything before, really.

Brian Holers

I didn’t think it was possible — but this situation has managed to get worse.” “But you’re so calm,” she observed.“That’s usually when you can tell everything has gone to shit.

G.A. Aiken

There should be a device which can detect when the person is getting angry and should not let that person speak till he/she calms down. This will solve so many problems.

Nauman Khan

..."There’s really no way I can explain it to her without *still* sounding like scum," I complained to Sinter."The 'sympathy shack-up' doesn’t score many points," he agreed.*

Molly Ringle

PREFACE PROBLEM: Nobody reads prefaces.SOLUTION: Call the preface Chapter 1.NEW PROBLEM CREATED BY SOLUTION: Chapter 1 is boring.RESOLUTION: Throw away Chapter 1 and call Chapter 2 Chapter 1.

Gerald M. Weinberg

What a moron I was to think you were sweet and innocent, when it turns out you were actually college-educated the whole time!

Margaret Atwood

College is a different scene than it was ten years ago. It used to be all about sex and drugs. Now it’s all about texting and fast food.

Aaron B. Powell

Think I have made a terrible mistake going to college. Have decided to become a shepherd and spend my days tending to flocks of goats

Scott Frost

He's a cocky SOB. He knew the Nick Adams Stories. Probably a frustrated English major who graduated from college qualified to drive a cab.

Peter Heller

College stirred in her a certain contempt for virtues like kindness and persistence. She would have appeared to have been a kind and persistent person herself, but a steady diet of Antonioni films and an introductory course on existentialism had awakened her to the fact that she wanted more.

Garth Risk Hallberg

And by the way, I know my title said “10 Reasons” and I only listed “6”. I didn’t learn to count in college.

James Altucher

Hey, Pedro, could you get your shopping cart out of my faculty parking space? Yes, I know you live on the street. But you know how hard it is to find a parking spot on the Upper West Side. After all, you used to be one of my best students! So how's that Columbia degree working out for you? Not so good, huh? Sorry about that. Really! But you know, a college degree isn't like some cheap used car. There's no warantee. Right, there's no Lemon Law either. Buyer beware! Look, Pedro, I don't want to call security again. Yes, I know they're your cousins. What's that? You'll wash my car for a dollar? Well, I guess that's a good deal. Where's your sponge bucket? What's that? You've got a hose? What do you mean, it's tucked in your pants? Hey Pedro -- no, no, no don't -- aw, Pedro!

Eric Foner

Look, Mrs. McGillicuddy, it's not my fault your son jumped out a dorm room window on Christmas eve. I've written over fifty books as a Columbia professor, all right? You don't do that by holding hands with every at-risk undergraduate who says he's homesick, or he's turning gay, or the dog ate his term paper. I write about Lincoln, and freedom, and great ideas. I don't always have time for students. It's like Dean Martin used to say: if you want to talk, go to a priest. Hey -- what's the gun for?

Eric Foner

Christ, seven years of college, down the drain.

John Belushi

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Humor Quotes - Page 7

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