Humor Quotes - Page 7

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

People who worry that nuclear weaponry will one day fall in the hands of the Arabs, fail to realize that the Islamic bomb has been dropped already, it fell the day MUHAMMED (pbuh) was born.

Joseph Adam Pearson.

I feel no grief for being called somethingwhichI am not;in fact, it's enthralling, somehow, like a goodback rub

Charles Bukowski

Never presume to know a person based on the one dimensional window of the internet. A soul can’t be defined by critics, enemies or broken ties with family or friends. Neither can it be explained by posts or blogs that lack facial expressions, tone or insight into the person’s personality and intent. Until people “get that”, we will forever be a society that thinks Beautiful Mind was a spy movie and every stranger is really a friend on Facebook.

Shannon L. Alder

She's on the stairs, ma'am, getting her breath,' said the young servant, who had not been long up from the country, where my mother had the excellent habit of getting all her servants. Often she had seen them born. That's the only way to get really good ones. And they're the rarest of luxuries.

Marcel Proust

Here she tossed her foot impatiently, and showed an inch or two of calf. A sailor on the mast, who happened to look down at the moment, started so violently that he missed his footing and only saved himself by the skin of his teeth. 'If the sight of my ankles means death to an honest fellow who, no doubt, has a wife and family to support, I must, in all humanity, keep them covered,' Orlando thought. Yet her legs were among her chieftest beauties. And she fell to thinking what an odd pass we have come to when all a woman's beauty has to be kept covered lest a sailor fall from a mast-head. 'A pox on them!' she said, realizing for the first time what, in other circumstances, she would have been taught as a child, that is to say, the sacred responsibilities of womanhood...

Virginia Woolf

If you call yourself an "authoress" on your Facebook profile, you suck at life. You are stupid and your children are ugly. It doesn't matter if you're just trying to be cute and original. You're not. You are about as original as all those other witless twits "writing" the one millionth shitty Fifty Shades clone. Or maybe you're trying to show your 2000 fake Facebook "friends" that you are an empowered feminist who will not stand for sexist terminology. But you're not showing people that you are fighting the good fight, you're showing people that you are a sheep, who's trying just a little too hard to ride the current wave of idiotic political correctness. The word "author" is no more gender-discrimination than the word "person." Do you call yourself a personess? No, of course not, because then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, "Hello, I'm a retard.

Oliver Markus

It always pisses me off when I’m calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what—probably this book, so get ready, I’m comin’—when the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: “So Kath, I don’t know what you chicks are always complaining about.” To which I respond: “Really? Why don’t you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.

Kathy Griffin

My cat mocks me frequently. It's the universe's way of keeping me from getting too big of an ego.

Michelle M. Pillow

His cell-phone rang. Dominic fumbled for it on the nightstand next to the couch, the dim lights not helping his endeavour. He had piercing, generic, banal fluorescent lights on his face all the time at work and at University, it was so bad it made him loathe even natural sunlight. Lucky this apartment’s living room light had a dimmer. He flipped open his phone and said hello. ‘Hey Dom, how you doin’?’ a voice boomed. It was Ben. They proceeded to talk about the upcoming exams, which were deceptively close as it was week 10 at the moment. Yes, they would be alright. Yes, they would meet up afterwards. No, he hadn’t studied more than Ben had. As he clapped the phone closed after the genial conversation reached its natural nadir, he had forgotten most of what had been said

T.P. Grish

He plunged into the foliage, and was swept into a humid, wet world of towering trees, animal chirps and thick ferns. After a few steps, he turned, and could barely make out the village. He walked a few more steps. He could see nothing now except for the thick trees and long ferns and grasses that surrounded him. He was enveloped into the confined space between trees, surrounded by the jungle heat and staccato chirps. He turned in the direction of the village, but could only see thick, dense trees. Hoping his sense of direction had not been muddled, he turned back around to the direction of the alleged ocean, and kept walking.Now the calls he heard sounded more and more strange. How far had he walked by now? The jungle, or rain forest, whatever it was, did not relent, and he kept on weaving into narrow gaps between the sturdy ferns and towering trees, pressing onwards. This continued for a seemingly oppressive amount of time, and he began to doubt his decision. To come to this place. To take a chance with his life, which was going in the right direction. Why couldn’t he be happy with the normal and mundane, he cursed, scolding his own stubbornness

T.P. Grish

...we haven't had any accidents for months now...Everything on that island is perfectly fine.

Michael Crichton

Your hair is like butterflies,” Sebastian said, giggling like a child.“That’s nice,” Firen said impatiently. “Keep moving.”“Fantastic. I always like my days better with a touch of insanity,” Gabriella quipped.

Laura Kreitzer

I went to say no, but I winced as I pulled my tooth out of my lip.I was absolutely hopeless. In a two minute period my front curls hadstarted to go straight due to my constant brushing them behind my earsand I was pretty sure my lip was bleeding. Frustrated I pushed myself off ofthe couch with a huff and walked around the glass coffee table to head forthe kitchen.“I've made you angry.”“No.”Darren got up and cut me off in the middle of the room. “Yes, I did.You're angry with me.”“No, not with you.”“Then what's wrong?”“I'm angry with myself.

Kaitlin Scott

My whore of a brother has done it again." "Then, as always, orders me to clean up the mess." "I think I hate him." Poseidon to his brother, Zeus.

Yelle Hughes

Normal life is presentable. In normal life, you clean up the kitchen and keep your balcony tidy and take care of your children. It's hard work--harder than one might think.

Fredrik Backman

I am the Captain of my own life.

Lexis De Rothschild

We call them grunters. They're ghost hunters but grunters is more appropriate because most of them are pigs.

Wendy Milton

Tiddlywinks, tiddlywinks, I want to play tiddlywinks," chanted Ramona, shaking her head back and forth.

Beverly Cleary

What is the meaning of "APPARENT "...? You will know the meaning when you become one...

kjforce

New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi.

Bill Maher

I'm an elephant today. I will need to have lots of room and also a bowl of water on the floor.

Jesse Ball

Remember when only a few people had mobile phones. Generally regarded as an object of derision, you would occasionally see business types clutching those ridiculous grey bricks to their faces and mutter to yourself 'what a prick.' Nowadays, an eyebrow hardly even flutters when we see a ten-year-old child happily texting away. You probably wouldn't notice anyway; you'd be too busy downloading an app that could definitively pinpoint who it was that had just farted in your tube carriage.

Simon Pegg

You and I both know that love is for children,'' he said. ''We're adults. Compatibility is for adults.''''Compatibility is for my Bluetooth and my car,'' Teresa replied. ''Only they get along just fine, and my car never makes my bluetooth feel like shit.

Maggie Stiefvater

the pen is as wise as the mind that speaks through it

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

No mountain is too high, but so many people can't climb even a hill. There is always a way to the top, but so many people can't even get the mid and many miss the way. Life is real and the journey of life comes with rules. Mind the real and distinctive rules that lead to success and you shall get to the very peak of the mountain of success surmounting all barriers, challenges and puzzles along the journey to success with a great degree of ease!

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

Laughter is the only medicine, without side effects.

Shannon L. Alder

I pray this new year will be greater, smooth and brings best aroma to our smelling, normal burning for toothpicks, blue colours for great celebration, unlimited joy from nw, then and beyound in JESUS name ★FEYIKOGBON★

oladosu feyikogbon

Solus walked over to the young brown-haired man and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, ignoring the look of panic he received in return. "You can call me Solus." His golden eyes trailed meaningfully down the mortal's body before he added, softly, "I've been told it's easier to scream.

Nenia Campbell

Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.

Jacob M. Appel

Anger is like sex urge, once gratified, the inner voice calls you a stinking fool.

Michael Bassey Johnson

A man's love for a woman is not defined by his availability in bed, but by every ingredient he adds to improve the taste of the relationship.

Michael Bassey Johnson

When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.

Jimmy Carr

So, if there are any couples here this evening having a secret extramarital affair, I encourage you to breed.

Alison Larkin

No. I can’t have sex with you today because there aren’t enough spoons.

Jenny Lawson

They have been having sex for eighteen months now (he realizes he has to make himself stop counting, as if his sexual life is a prison term, and he is working toward its completion).

Hanya Yanagihara

The man kisses me and I just hop right on him like he's the hottest new ride at Disneyland.

Karen Marie Moning

I wondered how a man ever got an English girl into bed. What did they do with her hockey stick?

James A. Michener

I used to think that looking across a pillow into the fabulous face of Buster Keaton would be a more thrilling destiny than any screen career.

Anita Loos

You think he has some bomb defusing MacGyver contraption cooked up that involves lube, condoms, and a paper clip?

Stephani Hecht

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm". At the time this was the last thing on my mind...

Terry Pratchett

When reality and your dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.

Crystal Woods

The troops and their ladies had first drunk champagne. There were also remains of sandwiches, and I stepped on one, which I think was either cucumber or watercress. I scraped it off on the curbing, left it there for germs. I'll tell you this, though: No germ is going to leave the Solar System eating sissy stuff like that.Plutonium! Now there's the stuff to put hair on a microbe's chest.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

You can take a dog outside, but you can't make it pee

Micah Amyx

Because words have deep meaning, Tweets have power.

Germany Kent

Come forward as servants of Islam, organize the people economically, socially, educationally and politically and I am sure that you will be a power that will be accepted by everybody.

Muhammad Ali Jinnah

Never give up hope! If you do, you be dead already.

Rose in The Inspired Caregiver

Quotes are echos of voices transporting wisdom, humor, and love. Returning again to the human condition, fleeting once more as a dove.

Ryan Lilly

Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs.

Ljupka Cvetanova

His boat sank. They were all on his side.

Ljupka Cvetanova

Simple minded people do things like gossip, lie, spread rumors, and cause troubles. But, I know you're more intelligent.

Amaka Imani Nkosazana

One day, we will live in a world without salads. It is a dream I have.

Carl ''Cal'' Tuohey

Ya were going to turn me into a rat? Had I known that I wouldn’t have tried to turn ya into a snake.

Michelle M. Pillow

Do not pay attention to my cousins. Every family needs a couple idiots and we keep them around for entertainment.

Michelle M. Pillow

Lydia had been fantasizing about him to the point she nearly drove him insane with it. It had taken four days for his energy to weaken inside her enough that he could go and visit her without fear she would throw him across the town in a gust of wind, and thus cause a scene. Although, getting run out of town after one day would be a new MacGregor record.

Michelle M. Pillow

But in this case,” he continues, tracing the line of the plasterwork with one finger, “I feel that there is one cliché that sums up my position so admirably that it would be pure egotism to attempt a more interesting periphrasis. Plain speaking, therefore, there is to be.“There is undoubtedly a strong possibility, notwithstanding the vagaries of contingency and misfortune, that my son mighthave fallen—or might, we could say, have voluntarily jumped, in accordance with the ethical codes with which he has been brought up—for a play you have made with some success, although, as I am persuaded you would concede, very little originality.”Plain speaking if you’re Henry James, perhaps.

Deborah Meyler

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

Criss Jami

I treat my thoughts like an old person treats their valuables: I cannot for the life of me proceed to throwing them out.

Criss Jami

My mind is like clay, but thank goodness God knows how to mold it!

Mary Kate

You can't fight hatred with hatred and expect anyone to listen to you. You can only try to lessen it with humor, wit, truth and commonsense. If that doesn't work run like hell, while they throw rocks at you.

Shannon L. Alder

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Humor Quotes - Page 7

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