Humor Quotes - Page 5

Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. "Oy!" yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. "There's a fackin' q

David Mitchell

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?

Leonard Wibberley

When I pass the bar, you'll be barred from bars but put behind them.

Natalya Vorobyova

Mankind's biggest blunder, ignorance. Mankind's second, infallible.

M.T. Dismuke

Food," I suggested. "Sleep. That's what I need. To get the hell away from here."Cole frowned at me, as if I'd suggested "ducks" and "yoga".

Maggie Stiefvater

Of course I love you. For real. I will sure come and personally meet you myself. Just to make sure you're well. When is your funeral?

Fakeer Ishavardas

There was a seminar for advanced students in Zürich that I was teaching and von Neumann was in the class. I came to a certain theorem, and I said it is not proved and it may be difficult. Von Neumann didn’t say anything but after five minutes he raised his hand. When I called on him he went to the blackboard and proceeded to write down the proof. After that I was afraid of von Neumann.

George Pólya

Hypotheses like professors, when they are seen not to work any longer in the laboratory, should disappear.

Henry Edward Armstrong

An ordinary man can enjoy breakfasting on juice and rye bread.But when you are underfed, scorned, miserable or just plain bored, you don’t want to eat dull wholesome food.You want something a little more colourful, exciting, tastier, meatier and juicier.

R.S. Vern

All right,” she said a little sarcastically. “I was going to assume you liked eating babies and sacrificing virgins, but I might as well ask, what do you do for fun?”“I languish in sin,” I replied in the same tone. “I take my babies rare, and my virgins over easy.

Nenia Campbell

He’s in a side room alone with her and it’s far too fucking hot.

Carla H. Krueger

Not very tall, not very dark but very...very handsome,’ was his way of describing himself.

Anurag Shourie

Murderous thieves make their home here." She failed to keep the tremor from her voice. "Absolutely," Jonas replied."Dangerous animals too.""Without a doubt."She slanted a look toward him. "Perfect place for you."He repressed a snort. "Oh, such compliments, your highness. You're going to make me blush.

Morgan Rhodes

What is love when it's not for dopamine?

Saurabh Sharma

Abbey relaxed, grateful not only that someone had thought to throw a party for her, but that she had been able to escape attending.

Emily Ann Benedict

Database Management System [Origin: Data + Latin basus "low, mean, vile, menial, degrading, ounterfeit."] A complex set of interrelational data structures allowing data to be lost in many convenient sequences while retaining a complete record of the logical relations between the missing items. -- From The Devil's DP Dictionary

Stan Kelly Bootle

It criticizes me,but my 2nd quest give me deserve a second chance but it is my own survival,My friend.

Kurt Reiner Suarez

He cracked his crooked smile that made all women swoon except the ones who wanted to slap him. Faye was a fence-sitter on the subject.

Sarah Scheele

No violence, gentlemen — no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!

Arthur Conan Doyle

Every couple of months or so, some boundary breaking article comes out in a nationally published magazine. The article makes a big thesis statement about relationships. Like say how, women don’t need men anymore, or how if you’re a woman over thirty-five, you should just settle with whatever guy is half-way nice to you, or how monogamy is not feasible, or plausible, or enjoyable, for any human. And we should all be swingers, or a study is released that say’s, you don’t have to love your kids anymore or something. They’re the kind of articles that are e-mailed everywhere and I get them forwarded to me about eight times. I will read one of these articles and immediately afterward I’m so swept up in it, I can’t help but think Yes, Yes, that is one-hundred percent right. Finally! Someone has confirmed that little voice in the back of my mind that has always not loved my kids, or I’m so happy I’m that much closer to my swinging lifestyle I’ve always secretly been craving. I’m normal and now it’s a national discussion and others agree and I can feel normal now. But then, a week later I’m thinking, I hate this. I feel awful. This wretched little magazine article has helped convinced more open minded liberal arts graduates that, the nuclear family doesn’t exist without some hideous twist, like the dad is allowed to go to an S & M dungeon once a week or something. It makes me cry because it means that fewer and fewer people are believing it’s cool to want what I want, which is to be married and have kids and love each other in a monogamous, long-lasting relationship.

Mindy Kaling

Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part of

Josh Stern

I was struck by the image of Daddy still dressed in that same plaid shirt and undershirt with the bloodstains below the neck, the one I had first seen him wearing in the jail the previous day.

Earl B. Russell

I have read of a gentleman who owned a so fine house in London, and when he went for months of summer to Switzerland and lock up his house, some burglar came and broke window at back and got in. Then he went and made open the shutters in front and walk out and in through the door, before the very eyes of the police. Then he have an auction in that house, and advertise it, and put up big notice; and when the day come he sell off by a great auctioneer all the goods of that other man who own them. Then he go to a builder, and he sell him that house, making an agreement that he pull it down and take all away within a certain time. And your police and other authority help him all they can. And when that owner come back from his holiday in Switzerland he find only an empty hole where his house had been. This was all done en règle; and in our work we shall be en règle too. We shall not go so early that the policemen who have then little to think of, shall deem it strange; but we shall go after ten o’clock, when there are many about, and such things would be done were we indeed owners of the house.

Bram Stoker

Life showed my her back and I touched it's ass

Xevi Castellà Tubert

People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane, until we invented smartphones and social media.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Women!” he muttered. “Can't live with 'em, can't escape even by killing 'em.

Naomi Kramer

when you have the reasons, reason!

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock and they say "the kitchen is closed." For years I would hear this, and think, "damn, just a little too late, oh well, thank you, I guess it's Denny's ag

Bill Maher

Clearly it's not all that pacific on the Pacific Ocean

Ilya Ilf

I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

George Carlin

She is so tiresome. ‘Am I a vampire, am I a wolf, am I a vampire, am I a wolf, I cannot decide, so I’ll be both!

Melika Dannese Lux

Okay, okay, okay … go to your corners, boys. This is a nice Aubusson carpet you’re standing on. You get blood on it and I’ll have Fritz so far up my ass I’ll be coughing on his hankie.

J.R. Ward

This,” Alaric explained to Sarah in what he thought was a kindly voice, “isn’t love you’re feeling. Only dopamine. Because Felix isn’t like anyone else you know. Being a creature of the night, he’s new and exciting and activates a neurotransmitter in your brain that releases feelings of euphoria when you’re around him…especially because you know you can never actually be together, and he seems complicated, and perhaps even sensitive and vulnerable at times. But I can assure you: he’s anything but.”“How dare you?” Sarah demanded hotly. “It isn’t dopa…whatever! It’s love! Love!

Meg Cabot

Vampire politics make the very complicated dance of manners that is werewolf protocol look like the Hokey Pokey.

Patricia Briggs

Snug pants, bandeau-type corset, and trim, motorcycle jacket. It was a fabulous outfit, but it was so urban-fantasy book cover

Chloe Neill

The Boogeyman,' he said, just to be sure. 'The Boogeyman killed an employee of the President of the United States.'The president nodded.Some days, Zach thought, I really hate this job.

Christopher Farnsworth

Something you killed didn't stay dead? Wow. That must have really put some termites in your coffin.

Christopher Farnsworth

The Lone Ranger of vampires. Did that make me Tonto?

Robin McKinley

Je me rends parfaitement compte du desagreable effet que produit sur la majorite de l'humanité, tout ce qui se rapporte, même au plus faible dègré, á des calculs ou raisonnements mathematiques.I am well aware of the disagreeable effect produced on the majority of humanity, by whatever relates, even at the slightest degree to calculations or mathematical reasonings.

Hiram Stevens Maxim

Why hasn't someone lassoed a few teenagers and had them sit down and write out all the supposed answers they have so we can solve the world's problems already?

Richelle E. Goodrich

Jean-Baptiste Say may have coined the term 'entrepreneur' but he totally missed the opportunity to put it on a t-shirt and sell it.

Ryan Lilly

Opportunities are like night owls. They like to streak naked and howl at the moon. A lot of success in life comes down to luck. So put yourself in a position to get lucky. Because you know what happens if you don't go out? Nothing.

Ari Gold

It’s not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy.

Jonas Eriksson

Thank you, Deke. You are very good to me.” “I know,” he smirks. “Can I get back in your bed now?

Alison Kemper

Teeth were created to be shown.

Lydhia Marie

Did I mention how cute you look in my clothes?"Blushing I just look at what I'm wearing and laugh. "Chicks Dig me? And Sponge Bob boxers?""Chicks do dig me! And Sponge Bob is a great cartoon in your world.

Sara Daniell

If you're not writing, you're wronging.

Kevin James Breaux

Let’s just say that once the party was over, the Tribe had the decency to put most of the things back into place with the possible, and otherwise notable, exception of the platypus and a moronic drinking game that later evolved into the imperial measurement system.

Sorin Suciu

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

Ryan Lilly

Where did the stereotypical image of the reclusive author in a bathrobe and slippers, indulging in vices and spending hours before a typewriter, even come from? I don't know about you, but most writers don't have the luxury of doing any of this. Otherwise we'd have no life experience and nothing to write about, anyway.

Rebecca McNutt

The simple act of sitting here sipping this cappuccino is its own testament to my commitment to living the writer’s life. Which is to say: doing nothing but doing it exceedingly well.

Sol Luckman

When writing, I uncage KAT: Keep Adding Tension. Even if I don't know where the story's going, petting the KAT keeps it purring.

Don Roff

When you are standing in the middle of a storm you have two choices: Pray to God that it goes away. Or, start praying to God that he gives you the wisdom to figure out why you're standing in the middle of a storm.

Shannon L. Alder

Phones with numerical keypads worked best for dialing phone calls. Incidentally, phone calls tend to be the primary function of a phone. 'Smartphones' completely ignore these basic facts, resulting in some of the least intelligent devices I've seen yet. Oh the irony.

Ashly Lorenzana

His Majesty, may he live forever and prosper greatly...His Majesty, may sun finches warble sweet melodies in his ear...His Majesty, may orchids bloom in the wake of his passing...His Majesty, may minstrels compose epics at the sound of his glorious name...His Majesty, may his magnificent sword shatter the breasts of his enemies...

Rae Carson

Simon laughed heartily. “I’m afraid the rest of us have to find talents to get our women into bed. Of course once they’re there, I have other talents that keep them right where they are.”“Handcuffs hardly count,” Christian said offhandedly.“If you mean the ladies cuffing me to the bed so they can explore Hunt Island,” he said, rubbing his chest, “…then point taken. These hands are capable of making any female climax by the mere brush of a pinky across her bare breast.”“I must have gone to the wrong island,” I said with a private laugh.

Dannika Dark

Herbs, vials, and crap," I grumble. "Where are the massive weapons and spirit fighting spears?" "So impatient," Cooper says, mocking, and goes to pick up a tube filled with powder. "You know, these herbs and vials and crap are important.""Yes, because crap always sounds necessary.

Brandy Nacole

Where are you going?” Wesley asked in a semi-sleepy voice.“Home.” I pulled on my jeans. “I’ve gotta take a shower and get ready for school.”He pushed himself up on one elbow to look at me. His hair was a mess, brown curls falling into his eyes and sticking up in the back. “You can shower here,” he offered. “I might even join you if you’re lucky.

Kody Keplinger

A paradox is a storm that rains on itself.

Shannon L. Alder

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Humor Quotes - Page 5

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