Humor Quotes - Page 5

When she walked by the two officers, they didn't recognize her. "Have you seen the luscious bonbon with the golden braids?" She grinned up at them with such impish mischief that they almost forgot their quest for the singer. "She is with her lover," Hannah said. "But she can always handle one or two more." She winked at them. "Go there, through that door." She made her escape while the uniformed hobbledehoys gawked and gaped and finally burst into the dressing room where Franz, the three-hundred-pound juggling strongman, was adjusting his loincloth. "I ought not do it," Hannah said aloud to herself as chaos erupted behind her. "I just can't seem to help myself. it is a shame, really.

Laura L. Sullivan

A palindrome,” I said the first time she told me. She looked at me, perplexed, and that’s when I knew I could never love her. What a waste of a palindrome she was, that Hannah.-Owen Gentry

Colleen Hoover

Being a Gentleman, has more to do with hiding his flaws, than exhibiting the virtues!

Ramana Pemmaraju

There was a party of well-dressed people with Gilt, and as they progressed accoss the room the whole place began to revolve around the big man, gold being very dense and having a gravity all of its own.

Terry Pratchett

In retrospect, I am very nearly as sharp as I pretend to be.

Lyndsay Faye

It was rather too late in the day to set about being simple-minded and ignorant.

Jane Austen

That's what you think of me, is it, girl?" said his lordship, a glint in his

Georgette Heyer

...it is indeed a street of so impertinent a nature, so unfortunately connected with the great London and Oxford roads, and the principal inn of the city, that a day never passes in which parties of ladies, however important their business, whether in quest of pastry, millinery, or even (as in the present case) of young men, are not detained on one side or other by carriages, horsemen, or carts. This evil had been felt and lamented, at least three times a day, by Isabella since her residence in Bath...

Jane Austen

Going to marry her? Impossible! You mean a part of her; he could not marry her all himself. It would be a case, not of bigamy but trigamy; there is enough of her to furnish wives for the whole parish. One man marry her! - it is monstrous! You might people a colony with her; or give an assembly with her; or perhaps take your morning's walk round her, always provided there were frequent resting places, and you were in rude health. I once was rash enough to try walking round her before breakfast, but only got half way and gave it up exhausted. Or you might read the Riot Act and disperse her; in short, you might do anything but marry her!

Sydney Smith

Always remember that you can explain things for people, but you can't comphrend for them.

Shannon L. Alder

Always remember that you have been called worse things by better people.

Shannon L. Alder

Snark is a fabulous defense mechanism.

Betsy Schow

Her face collapsed like a bad poem

Marge Simon

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. Once begun upon this downward path, you never know where you are to stop. Many a man has dated his ruin from some murder or other that perhaps he thought little of at the time.

Thomas de Quincey

Wit ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar. Never spread it about like marmalade.

Noël Coward

This was a lucky recollection -- it saved her from something like regret.

Jane Austen

In fact, Lig never formally resigned his editorship—he merely left his office late one morning, and has never returned since. Though well over a century has now passed, many members of the Guide staff still retain the romantic notion that he has simply popped out for a sandwich and will yet return to put in a solid afternoon's work. Strictly speaking, all editors since Lig Lury Jr., have therefore been designated acting editors, and Lig's desk is still preserved the way he left it, with the addition of a small sign that says LIG LURY, JR., EDITOR, MISSING, PRESUMED FED.

Douglas Adams

When I'm in love, I can't stand anyone.

Stefano Benni

If life is a game... I need new dice!

Jay Little

Only one English word adequately describes his transformation of the islands from worthless to priceless: magical.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it sho

Blaise Pascal

On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.

Hunter S. Thompson

Men are not nearly as evolved as women are, nor as intelligent, evidently

Sarah MacLean

Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary

Sarah MacLean

Writing a book is like sliding down a rainbow! Marketing it is like trudging through a field of chewed bubblegum on a hot, sticky day.

Betty Dravis

There is a monsterous deal of stupid quizzing, & common-place nonsense talked, but scarcely any wit.

Jane Austen

One can have a wit, but not a witless

Brandon Sanderson

Yes, I'm shallow, I don't mind admitting it. Perhaps I should admit that there's no end to the depths of my shallowness.

Franny Billingsley

I put the bra in brand, and I top it!

Natalya Vorobyova

Incidentally, am I alone in finding the expression “it turns out” to be incredibly useful? It allows you to make swift, succinct, and authoritative connections between otherwise randomly unconnected statements without the trouble of explaining what your source or authority actually is. It’s great. It’s hugely better than its predecessors “I read somewhere that...” or the craven “they say that...” because it suggests not only that whatever flimsy bit of urban mythology you are passing on is actually based on brand new, ground breaking research, but that it is research in which you yourself were intimately involved. But again, with no actual authority anywhere in sight. Anyway, where was I?

Douglas Adams

You understand Teacher, don't you, that when you have a mother who's an angel and a father who is a cannibal king, and when you have sailed on the ocean all your whole life, then you don't know just how to behave in school with all the apples and ibexes.

Astrid Lindgren

Whaaaaaat is going on?" May whispered out of the corner of her mouth."I'm sort of comforted by the fact that I can't figure it out," Jack responded.

James Riley

I can't name just one example. Then there's only one.

Brian Spellman

But now he felt as if the whole world were tipping backwards over his head, and this, he couldn’t help feeling, was a very worrying thing for the world to do.

Douglas Adams

Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas—only I don’t exactly know what they are!

Lewis Carroll

Presumably, a confused person would be too addled to recognize that he was confused. Ergo, if you know that you are not confused then you are not confused. Unless, it suddenly occurred to me--and here was an arresting notion--unless persuading yourself that you are not confused is merely a cruel, early symptom of confusion. Or even an advanced symptom. Who could tell? For all I knew I could be stumbling into some kind of helpless preconfusional state characterized by fear on the part of the sufferer that he may be stumbling into some kind of helpless preconfusional state. That's the trouble with losing your mind; by the time it's gone, it's too late to get it back.

Bill Bryson

So, Mr. Mandrake, what is it you plan to do with me this evening?” I asked haughtily. “I presume,” he said, playing along, “that I will start with feeding you proper and then proceed with more…pestiferous acts.”I smiled through the confusion. I’d have to look up that word later.

Brandi Salazar

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

Chelsea Handler

Before I came here, I was confused about this subject. Having listened to your lecture, I am still confused -- but on a higher level.

Enrico Fermi

Oh-my-Father-and-oh-the-delight-of-my-eyes," began the young man, muttering the words very quickly and sulkily and not at all as if the Tisroc were the delight of his eyes.

C.S. Lewis

Just bear a passing resemblance to a fictional romantic trope I like and I will love you forever. We're all just trying to find the Mark Darcy of our workplace, aren't we?

Mindy Kaling

In New York I'd go to the movies three or four times a week. Here I've upped it to six or seven, mainly because I'm too lazy to do anything else. Fortunately, going to the movies seems to suddenly qualify as an intellectual accomplishment, on a par with reading a book or devoting time to serious thought. It's not that the movies have gotten any more strenuous, it's just that a lot of people are as lazy as I am, and together we've agreed to lower the bar.

David Sedaris

I hope that's a good thing,' I said, thinking he might say I reminded him of a film star- then we'd actually have something in common. I was hoping for Anne Hathaway or Julia Roberts, and not the obvious Vivien Leigh. Even Angelina Jolie would have done, though I'd never quite forgiven her for stealing Brad's heart. Talking of Brad, was Sean starting to resemble him too? No, he could never be a Brad, a Matthew McConaughey maybe at a push, but never a Brad Pitt.

Ali McNamara

I rein myself in. I’m already breaking up with the guy. I don’t have to ruin his favorite movie.

Philip Siegel

Anytime I button my coat, I'm packed.

George 'Gabby' Hayes

Prose before hoes, muthafucka! I’ll be right over.

David Louden

Oh, right. She doesn’t know your secret identity.” Andy unzipped his sweatshirt and tossed it on a chair. “So, Meg Ryan just sent Tom Hanks a book but…”t“No, Meg Ryan just sent NY152 a book, which was then overnighted to Tom Hanks, who lives above Meg Ryan and knows she’s Shopgirl, while she has no idea he’s NY152.”t“I’m a little disturbed you know that movie so well.”t“It was actually a remake of a 1937 play called Parfumerie by Miklós László.” Paul blew out a breath. “And it’s really not as fun as they made it sound.”t“But hey, at least you can say you’ve got mail,” Andy said, chuckling.

Mary Jane Hathaway

A new adaptation of Jane Eyre came out every year, and every year it was exactly the same. An unknown actress would play Jane, and she was usually prettier than she should have been. A very handsome, very brooding, very 'ooh-la-la' man would play Rochester, and Judi Dench would play everyone else.

Catherine Lowell

The movie was kickass, which was appropriate, because tonight it was called Kickass: The Movie.

Daniel Handler

Our first point of discussion is the hunt. (...) My idea is to start the film with an image of the vixen locked out of her lair which has been plugged up. Her terror as she's pursued across the country. This is a big deal. It means training a fox from birth or dressing up a dog to look like a fox. Or hiring David Attenbrorough, who probably knows a few foxes well enough to ask a favour.

Emma Thompson

Does anyone here speak English? Or even Ancient Greek?— A very lost Marcus Brody

Rob MacGregor

I always find that if I sit down, a solution presents itself!

Rob MacGregor

The brains of members of the Press departments of motion-picture studios resemble soup at a cheap restaurant. It is wiser not to stir them.

P.G. Wodehouse

Henry Jones: I didn't know you could fly a plane!Indiana Jones: Fly -- yes, land -- no.

Rob MacGregor

Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature.

Stephen King

I made that up. You know Marcus. He got lost once in his own museum.

Rob MacGregor

Moderation is the key to old age and the doorway to boredom

Benny Bellamacina

And besides, I couldn't stay at the party. It was too dangerous. I nearly died.""From what?""Boredom.

Jennifer Donnelly

He exhaled in disgust. “High school is boredom punctuated by humiliation.

Katie Kennedy

You've already said you were going to kill me," Alex said, "but I didn't think that meant you were going to bore me to death.

Anthony Horowitz

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Humor Quotes - Page 5

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