Humor Quotes - Page 3

Out here, it's better safe than sorry, because generally speaking, too much of the time sorry means you're dead.

He was harassed, but still he spoke with authority. He was, in fact, characteristic of the best type of dominant male in the world at this time. He was fifty-five years old, tough, shrewd, unburdened by the complicated ethical ambiguities which puzzle intellectuals, and had long ago decided that the world was a mean son-of-a-bitch in which only the most cunning and ruthless can survive. He was also as kind as was possible for one holding that ultra-Darwinian philosophy; and he genuinely loved children and dogs, unless they were on the site of something that had to be bombed in the National Interest. He still retained some sense of humor, despite the burdens of his almost godly office, and, although he had been impotent with his wife for nearly ten years now, he generally achieved orgasm in the mouth of a skilled prostitute within 1.5 minutes. He took amphetamine pep pills to keep going on his grueling twenty-hour day, with the result that his vision of the world was somewhat skewed in a paranoid direction, and he took tranquilizers to keep from worrying too much, with the result that his detachment sometimes bordered on the schizophrenic; but most of the time his innate shrewdness gave him a fingernail grip on reality.

Robert Anton Wilson

That demon will trick you faster than a politician with a liquor license.

Erik Bundy

The problem with all politicians is that they are human.

Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur

David Halberstam quoted Lyndon Johnson saying of a staffer: “I want him to kiss my ass in Macy’s window at high noon and tell me it smells like roses.

David Halberstam

Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on.

P.J. O'Rourke

he was one of those diplomats who like and know how to work, and, despite his laziness, he occasionally spent nights at his desk.

Leo Tolstoy

He'd been an angel once. He hadn't meant to Fall. He'd just hung around with the wrong people.

Terry Pratchett

Please?” asked the girl.“I AM BUSY. I AM TRYING TO FIX CONTINENTAL DRIFT.”“I…didn’t know it was broken.”Uriel’s face became more animated, his speech faster.“IT HAS BEEN BROKEN FOR FIVE WEEKS AND FIVE DAYS. I THINK IT BROKE WHEN I RELOADED NEW ZEALAND FROM A BACKUP COPY, BUT I DO NOT KNOW WHY. MY SYNCHRONIZATION WAS IMPECCABLE AND THE CHANGE PROPAGATED SIMULTANEOUSLY ACROSS ALL SEPHIROT. I THINK SOMEBODY BOILED A GOAT IN ITS MOTHER’S MILK. IT IS ALWAYS THAT. I KEEP TELLING PEOPLE NOT TO DO IT, BUT NOBODY LISTENS.

Scott Alexander

My 'people skills' are 'rusty.' Pardon me but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent.

Castiel

Actually Gabriel’s an archangel,” I corrected. “But otherwise, yes.”“Well, that explains why he’s so hard to impress,” said Xavier flippantly

Alexandra Adornetto

I want to see the front of you.”“That’s what all the girls say.”“Do you expect me to roll you over? ’Cuz I will.”“Your mate’s not going to like this.”“As if that’s going to bother you?”“True. It actually makes it worth the effort.”With a groan, he shoved his palms into the shimmering silver pool of blood beneath him, and flopped over like the side of beef he was.“Wow,” she breathed.“I know, right? Hung like a horse.”“If you’re really nice—and you live through this—I’ll promise not to tell V.”“About my size.”She laughed a little. “No, that you assumed I’d look at you in any fashion other than professionally.

J.R. Ward

Hindoo wisdom long ago regarded the world as the dream of Brahma. Must we hold with Fichte that it is the individual dream of each individual ego? Every fool would then be a cosmogonic poet producing the firework of the universe under the dome of the infinite.

Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Beware of finding what you're lookin

Richard Hamming

To be clever in the afternoon argues that one is dining nowhere in the evening.

Saki

I visualize myself winning the Olympic Pentathlon, inventing a phone that can be controlled by brain waves, or doing the laundry. I do not actually DO these things, but I see myself doing them, and that is almost MORE satisfying, because I am also lying down.

Aisha Tyler

Satan was seen buying a cafe au lait of Friday the thirteenth in the year of the dog. He was wearing a Mexican wrestling mask and a monocle on a gold chain the color of the sun. The lights of the casino filled his good eye. Our days are numbered, our weeks are fading away.

Michael Bible

Nowhere have I ever heard of Satan taking the form of an avuncular hippie. No doubt he could. It just seems inefficient.

Nick Harkaway

one day Satan himself visits, along with his great-grandmother—who is, not surprisingly, a total fucking bitch.

David Rakoff

I’m doing boy detox. Like a diet, only for my emotional health.

Becca Fitzpatrick

Why is Santa an anagram for Satan? I mean, besides the fact that both have the same amounts of the same letters. Just consider the many other similarities between the two figures: both of them are red, both of them like to laugh, both of them give presents to children and both of them are kings of an ungodly underworld of unspeakable horror and suffering. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

Sam Logan

But I didn't. I didn't say anything, if only because I had no idea how to respond to such an overture. If my experience with friends was sparse, what I knew about boys- other than a competitors for grades or class rank- was nonexistent

Sarah Dessen

It was not very long afterwards that Michael woke up one morning with a curious feeling inside him. He knew, the moment he opened his eyes, that something was wrong but he was not quite sure what it was. "What is today, Mary Poppins?" He enquired, pushing the bedclothes away from him. "Tuesday," said Mary Poppins. "Go and turn on your bath. Hurry!" she said, as he made no effort to move. He turned over and pulled the bedclothes up over his head and the curious feeling increased. "What did I say?" said Mary Poppins in that cold, clear voice that was always a Warning. Michael knew now what was happening to him. He knew he was going to be naughty.

P.L. Travers

Boys are found everywhere- on top of, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging from, running around or jumping to. Mothers love them, little girls hate them, older sisters and brothers tolerated them, adults ignore them and Heaven protects them. A boy is Truth with dirt on its face, Beauty with a cut on its finger, Wisdom with bubble gum in its hair and the Hope of the future with a frog in its pocket. A boy is a magical creature- you can lock out of your workshop, but you can't lock him out of your heart. You can get him out of your study, but you can't get him out of your mind. Might as well give up- he is your captor, your jailor, your boss and your master- a freckled-faced, pint-sized, cat-chasing bundle of noise. But when you come home at night with only the shattered pieces of your hopes and dreams, he can mend them like new with two magic words- 'Hi, Dad!

Alan Beck

A nonhot boy stares at you and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy...well.

John Green

High time he had another tutor,' said Larry. 'You leave the house for five minutes and come back and find him disembowelling Moby Dick on the front porch.' 'I'm sure he didn't mean any harm,' said Mother, ' but it was rather silly for him to do it on the veranda.

Gerald Durrell

Dill was in hearty agreement with this plan of action. Dill was becoming something of a trail anyways, following Jem about... He only grew closer to Jem. (Lee 55)

Harper Lee

I glanced over, he was still looking at me. ''Uh... do you need something?''''No.''''Oh, okay.''''It's just...'' he leaned in, ''...you have an onion ring taped to your back.''''...Excuse me?''''There is a ring of onion applied to you back with an adhesive strip.''I searched his eyes, he seemed amused, but sincere.My hand flew to my back with a look of horror and there it was, with ketchup and everything.

Maddie Hample

The thought of Peter and John Ambrose McClaren in the same space together again is discomforting. Where would I even look?

Jenny Han

He told me once that he didn't fear conscription as much as everyone else because the dozen bloodthirsty girls he was leaving behind were far more dangerous.

Victoria Aveyard

He hadn’t said a word to me until we had been roommates for eight months. And even then it had only been, “You’re wearing my socks.

Melody J. Bremen

Only a very careless father would be inclined to tell you what I'm going to tell you. I suppose I'm about to act like the disreputable uncle who everyone fears to leave the boys with because he encourages them to drink distilled spirits, stay up late, and do more than merely kiss girls." "Uh... what?" Mags replied, utterly bewildered now."I am going," Jakyr said, leaning toward Mags, his eyes dancing with laughter, "to tell you how to please a woman."Max thought for a moment his face that caught fire, because surely it couldn't burn like that without some outside help.

Mercedes Lackey

I was told very sternly at the hospital to avoid boys at all costs. Mess up your levels.""Oh, they do that!" Amy laughs. "Probably best to leave them alone for a while. The secret, though, is to start with one you're not that bothered about."What is the point in that?

Teri Terry

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.

SIERRA

I would not trade any of these features for anybody else’s. I wouldn’t trade the small thin-lipped mouth that makes me resemble my nephew. I wouldn’t even trade the acne scar on my right cheek, because that recurring zit spent more time with me in college than any boy ever did.

Tina Fey

Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!" Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer

Mark Twain

Did you read the part that says, 'Your hair is like a flock of goats'? How romantic is that? Or that other line, 'Your neck is like the tower of David.' Oh, now, that sounds real attractive! If some guy tried those lines on me, I'm sure I'd fall instantly in love with him.

Robin Jones Gunn

Is there some kind of rule for when Sam should be a boy and when he's a Wolf?""A Wolf lifts his leg and yellows up the snow. A boy has to use the toilet.""And that will work?""Only if he needs to pee.

Anne Bishop

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I ain't afraid of no leaves.

Jimmy Fallon

Its easy to fall for someone that will find humor in every situation.

Nicholas Sparks

It was one of those perfect New York October afternoons, when the explosion of oranges and yellows against the bright blue sky makes you feel like your life is passing through your fingers, that you've felt this autumn-feeling before and you'll probably get to feel it again, but one day you won't anymore, because you'll be dead.

Sarah Dunn

I like your opera - I think I will set it to music

Ludwig van Beethoven

It is only about things that do not interest one, that one can give a really unbiassed opinion; and this is no doubt the reason why an unbiased opinion is always valueless.

Oscar Wilde

Isn’t Hollywood a dump — in the human sense of the word. A hideous town, pointed up by the insulting gardens of its rich, full of the human spirit at a new low of debasement.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Perhaps the difference between a professor and a bus driver is that the professor can say stupid things with complete authority while the bus driver is not authorized to make brilliant insights.

Les Back

Nobody actually ever does this—escaping through a window.

Kevin James Moore

Once we were alone, Imogen unfolded her hand. In it, she held the key to the chains. I had passed it to her while we were in the embrace. Roden noticed it and scowled. "You gave her the key and not me? I could be free already."I smiled at him. "Yes, but I wasn't going to kiss you.""Fair enough

Jennifer A. Nielsen

Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

The three species of pine native to Wisconsin (white, red and jack) differ radically in their opinions about marriageable age. The precocious jackpine sometimes bloom and bears cones a year or two after leaving the nursery, and a few of my 13-year-old jacks already boast of grandchildren. My 13-year-old reds first bloomed this year, but my whites have not yet bloomed; they adhere closely to the Anglo-Saxon doctrine of free, white, and twenty-one.

Aldo Leopold

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Bill Vaughn

I just managed to go around with one of the Great Spells in my head for years without going insane, didn't I?' He considered the last question form all angles.'Yes, you did,' he reassured himself. 'You didn't start talking to trees, even when trees started talking to you.

Terry Pratchett

Storming was one of her main modes of transportation." In reference to teenager Heather in "Carry The One

Carol Anshaw

Pray calm yourselves. I have eleven children, and I am twenty-six times a grandma, and I have seen them all through their silly seasons, and when it come on them they will run the Devil bowlegged keeping up with their mischief. I think she'll wake when she tires of it. A child's spirit is like a child, you can never catch it by running after it; you must stand still, and, for love, it will soon itself come back.

Arthur Miller

They're really into it, laughing and teasing each other, and I am looking at Pam and thinking once again how she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen and that if we were back in the olden times she might have been made into a goddess because she is so beautiful. Sometimes I cannot stop my mind. It's scary.

James Howe

Her youngest daughter shrugged. “Ain’t got no money, do we?” “I don’t understand. Why aren’t you pillaging like the rest of your kin?” “It was the Northlands, Da. Ain’t nothin’ to pillage but the crows in the trees.” “And snow,” their eldest added. “Lots and lots of snow.” Bram motioned to his study. “You know where I keep the gold coin.” As if on fire, their offspring made a desperate run for their father’s study, climbing over the table and fighting each other through the door. It wasn’t pretty.

G.A. Aiken

Now they seemed to be in a contest over who could irritate her more, and she sometimes had to remind herself that teenagers had souls

Amy Tan

I thought you were just typical teenagers.”No one has ever called me typical. I can’t say I like it.

Sarah Nicolas

Web analytics is like teenage sex:- Everyone talks about it.- Nobody really knows how to do it.- Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it, so everyone claims they are doing it.

Marcus Österberg

You're staring," Lana said."Yes. I am. I'm a teenage boy. Beautiful girls in wet underwear have a tendency to cause staring in teenage boys.

Michael Grant

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Humor Quotes - Page 3

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