Humor Quotes - Page 13

An older, inebriated Scot who looked like he'd been sitting on his barstool all day looked me up and down, then smelled the air. "Heh, neebr, goat a deid an'mal in yer bac'pac, or iz it ye tha' bloody stinks?"My brain took a moment to translate. "Actually, yes, there is a dead animal in my backpack, but I probably stink, too.

Welcome to the Information Jungle.

Sheriff, are you suggestin' the victom was kidnapped?""I'm only statin' that, at this time, we have no body, only nonvital body parts...

Oh, traccy traccy ply ply bracket doints and divs

Yahtzee Croshaw

Do I really run like that?" (Kitty)"Yup," Martini confirmed. "Don't worry, I think it's sexy.""Thank God. I think I look like a cheetah on drugs.

Gini Koch

In accordance with the terms of the Clarke-Asimov treaty, the second-bestscience writer dedicates this book to the second-best science-fictionwriter.[dedication to Isaac Asimov from Arthur C. Clarke in his book Report on Planet Three]

Arthur C. Clarke

Kitty, do you have the bottle?" "In my purse. Which is in my room. Not that I think I can find my room from here." "I'll get it," Martini said. He stood up and disappeared. Ten seconds later he was back, bottle in hand."What kept you?""That purse gets worse every time I look inside.

Gini Koch

What song would lull a snake into submission? "John Mayer?""Over my dead body.""Could be, Tim, could be.

Gini Koch

He turned to Matt and gave a huge smile, one hand on her withers. James reached out and pulled Matt to him, and they stood there in a little circle. It felt disconcertingly like… a family reunion. Matt turned away from James‟s bright smile and looked at Miz in something akin to horror. Was she their… child? Miz nipped him. Hard. While snorting horse mucus all over him. Damn thing couldn‟t even blow her own damn nose. Would she ever grow up?

You ever flown something before?" (Christopher)"I hold the highest score at A.S.U. for Star Wars: Starfighter." (Kitty)"I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I'm going to regret this." (Christopher)

Gini Koch

Just my luck: My bloodthirsty killing machine was better with both kids and women than I was.

Mark L. Van Name

I was on the floor. "Um, a little help?" Christopher put his hand down. Martini cleared his throat and Christopher's hand retracted. "I can handle it, thanks." "There's nothing amorous about pulling someone off the floor," Christopher muttered. "There is when I do it.

Gini Koch

Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and had taken up composing short dolorous ditties of no tone, or indeed tune. The latest one was a lullaby.Marvin d

Share and Enjoy' is the company motto of the hugely successful Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Division, which now covers the major land masses of three medium-sized planets and is the only part of the Corporation to have shown a consistent profit in recent years. The motto stands-- or rather stood-- in three mile high illuminated letters near the Complaints Department spaceport on Eadrax. Unfortunately its weight was such that shortly after it was erected, the ground beneath the letters caved in and they dropped for nearly half their length through the offices of many talented young Complaints executives-- now deceased.The protruding upper halves of the letters now appear, in the local language, to read "Go stick your head in a pig," and are no longer illuminated, except at times of special celebration.

The story of how I left Huckleberry begins -- as do all worthy stories -- with a goat

If you've never been in a dumpster coated with industrial waste while someone stabs you with a piece of sharpened rebar, then you probably wouldn't understand.

I had a problem with commitment. I was afraid to proclaim that I had found Jesus, been saved, boarded the boat bound for eternal life. I figured it wasn't something I could announce one week and then a month or two later admit, "Oh yeah, sorry, people. That was my Jesus phase. I'm into transcendental meditation now.

Michelle DeRusha

Oh the wonders of being married. Put a gun in one hand and a woman in the other, I'm never sure who's going to kill me first.

Michael W. Grimard

How above-the-law children's books are. Hansel and Gretel (littering, breaking and entering), Rumpelstiltskin (forced labor), Snow White (conspiracy to commit murder), Rapunzel (break of contract).

Sure. If she gets mugged, she can just flute them to death.

He rarely saw a doorway without advancing through it as if he owned it. Since he owned a good many doorways, he would have pointed out that this was a reasonable assumption.

He built a tower to try and be closer to her and walled himself inside.”She stared at him for a moment as if waiting for something. “And?”He glanced at her, puzzled. “And, what?”She widened her eyes. “How does the story end? Did the sorcerer win his Moon Maid

I’m glad she’s so smitten with her new huntsman boyfriend and all, but venison-wurst? Gag me with a harpsichord.

OMG. He's a gift shop, a lamb kebab with mint,/a solar panel poetry machine with biceps. He's the path/through the dark woods, the light on the page, a postcard/from the castle and a one-way ticket there. He's the most/astounding arrangement of molecules ever!/Just look at those tights! An honest-to-God prince at last.

We're a couple of travelers!" I called up to her. "I'm Briony, and this is Ella!""Grammy said I ought not to talk to strangers!" she called back."We're not strangers!" Ella shouted. "We're with the u

Tonight was a perfect illustration of why Cinderella and the Prince get married twenty-four hours after they meet. Because when you're living with your stepmother, there is no happily ever after.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that fairy tales aren't real. I drink a potion made from magic beans every day, and it brings me back to life.

Pan took the joke good-naturedly, probably deciding it wasn't a good idea to argue with a fifteen-year-old who had just pulled two people up ten feet.

No one, I fancy, would discredit a story that the Archbishop of Canterbury slipped on a banana skin merely because he found that a similar comic mishap had been reported of many people, and especially of elderly gentlemen of dignity.

In describing a fairy story which they think adults might possibly read for their own entertainment, reviewers frequently indulge in such waggeries as: 'this book is for children from the ages of six to sixty'. But I have never yet seen the puff of a new motor-model that begun thus: 'this toy will amuse infants from seventeen to seventy'; though that to my mind would be much more appropriate.

What Grimm fairy tale featured apiarian morphing humans?

Crew up, Nailer!" Lucky Girl shouted. "You think I'm going to pull your ass up here like a damn swank?

Paolo Bacigalupi

Even more blood welled up and spilled down his arm, splattering onto the ground.“Camille’s carpet,” Magnus protested.“It’s blood,” said Will. “She ought to be thrilled.

Cassandra Clare

But then, even with cuts, bruises and blood all over him, he looked like his jackass self again."- Alex Gold

What’s with savage humans always wanting to cannibalize us?” Jaden asks as she runs past Summer to check for any more of the Tainted around the corner.“They want to suck your blood,” Rob says in a Romanian accent.Jaden snorts. Too bad humor won’t help them out of this mess.

She raised a brow as she inspected the blood bag. "I wouldn't exactly call it my favorite. Somewhere along the lines of a V8 is more toward my favorite." Chloë grunted in protest. "So my file didn't mention my fondness for cheeseburgers? Because that's a big miss from The Bureau. Makes me kinda question the accuracy of my dossier." - From Tall, Dark & Deadly

I must confess that most modern mysticism seems to me to be simply a method of imparting useless knowledge in a form that no one can understand

Love has an enormous spectrum of expression and impact. At the far end, it begins to unravel and move away from subjective experience and personal preference. It becomes pure intent, something that no longer tickles our desires, but fulfills the deeper needs of each circumstance we’re in.

Darrell Calkins

I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it’s a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

When Eve upon the first of MenThe apple press’d with specious cant,Oh! what a thousand pities thenThat Adam was not adamant!

Thanks liver... you are a champ!

Siddhant R. Shinde

If we run into any legionnaires we'll say we're out hiking and show them our forged imperial identity papers.""What is hiking?" Alain asked. "Walking for fun," Mari explained. "I mean, you're walking long distances, but not because you have to. For fun."Alain gazed steadily at her. "Walking long distances, for fun. Are you saying a joke?"Mari shook her head. "I know it sounds like that, but people really do it.

I don't have any babies or ambition. I have it all!

Treat your career like a bad boyfriend. Here's the thing. Your career won't take care of you. It won't call you back or introduce you to its parents. Your career will openly flirt with other people while you are around. It will forget your birthday and wreck your car. Your career will blow you off if you call it too much. It's never going to leave its wife. Your career is fucking other people and everyone knows but you. Your career will never marry you.

If I don't keep this job, then my only future career-options are working in Argos, or being a prostitute,' I say, w

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying what you bought yesterday.

Robert Morrissette

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying off what you bought yesterday.

Robert Morrissette

The general consensus seemed to be that if prayer didn't take care of the problem, a belt to the ass and the threat of reform school would.

It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.

Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good.

PHI is one H of a lot cooler than PI!

Dan Brown

...I guess I can put two and two together.""Sometimes the answer's four," I said, "and sometimes it's twenty-two...

Dashiell Hammett

So they rolled up their sleeves and sat down to experiment -- by simulation, that is mathematically and all on paper. And the mathematical models of King Krool and the beast did such fierce battle across the equation-covered table, that the constructors' pencils kept snapping. Furious, the beast writhed and wriggled its iterated integrals beneath the King's polynomial blows, collapsed into an infinite series of indeterminate terms, then got back up by raising itself to the nth power, but the King so belabored it with differentials and partial derivatives that its Fourier coefficients all canceled out (see Riemann's Lemma), and in the ensuing confusion the constructors completely lost sight of both King and beast. So they took a break, stretched their legs, had a swig from the Leyden jug to bolster their strength, then went back to work and tried it again from the beginning, this time unleashing their entire arsenal of tensor matrices and grand canonical ensembles, attacking the problem with such fervor that the very paper began to smoke. The King rushed forward with all his cruel coordinates and mean values, stumbled into a dark forest of roots and logarithms, had to backtrack, then encountered the beast on a field of irrational numbers (F_1) and smote it so grievously that it fell two decimal places and lost an epsilon, but the beast slid around an asymptote and hid in an n-dimensional orthogonal phase space, underwent expansion and came out fuming factorially, and fell upon the King and hurt him passing sore. But the King, nothing daunted, put on his Markov chain mail and all his impervious parameters, took his increment Δk to infinity and dealt the beast a truly Boolean blow, sent it reeling through an x-axis and several brackets—but the beast, prepared for this, lowered its horns and—wham!!—the pencils flew like mad through transcendental functions and double eigentransformations, and when at last the beast closed in and the King was down and out for the count, the constructors jumped up, danced a jig, laughed and sang as they tore all their papers to shreds, much to the amazement of the spies perched in the chandelier—perched in vain, for they were uninitiated into the niceties of higher mathematics and consequently had no idea why Trurl and Klapaucius were now shouting, over and over, "Hurrah! Victory!!

You’re probably better at math than I am, because pretty much everyone’s better at math than I am, but it’s okay, I’m fine with it. See, I excel at other, more important things—guitar, sex, and consistently disappointing my dad, to name a few.

Really, there was only one problem with Mr. Davis, as far as Gregory was concerned; He taught math.

See appendix A for a proof that Winston Churchill was a carrot.

If you plug in a number and the math starts getting creepy (anything involving fractions or negative numbers is creepy)...

Some people believe in imaginary friends. I believe in imaginary numbers.

R.M. ArceJaeger

He spoke in a trembling voice that didn’t seem to be entirely in sync with the movement of his lips. That’s because sound travels slower in halitosis.

Sometimes, I wondered if I might speed up his words by grabbing his wrists and finishing his gestures for him.

Previous 1 … 11 12 13 14 15 … 222 Next