Humor Quotes - Page 13

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

Bauvard

Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless flat than the floor."Owww!" he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it."If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought.

Where did you meet?” he pressed on.I shrugged and considered a little rephrasing. “I was out for a run.”“From who?”I leaned back to take a long, very long, slow sip of that beer.Knox leaned forward. “I think we’re both bullsh*tting here, you ever play that card game?”“With my grandma, every Sunday after church.

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

Terry Pratchett

I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.- Simon Hunt

I'm jealous of your hooks," Kevin replied. "Having no hands is better than having two equally strong hands."Don't be ridiculous," one of the white-faced women replied. "Having a white face is worse than both of your situations."But you have a white face because you put makeup on," Colette said, as Sunny climbed back out of the trunk and knelt down in the snow. "You're putting powder on your face right now.

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh.

Stick your dick in’?” I asked, my brows probably touching. “Did you actually just say that?” “Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks. It would be beautiful, pumpkin. There’d be little angels, and birdies, and you know … all just hanging around, watching. Perverts.

Good plan," Freddy was saying. "Let's get some decent sleep. Tomorrow we can shake our gravy asses into town and do some sluething.

The moment seemed endless, but it was probably only half that.

Wise is the fool who becomes a master at laughter.

Curtis Tyrone Jones

Closure /klōZHər/ Noun1. The thing women tell you what they want, but secretly they really want you to tell them why you don’t want them again, so they can try one last time to convince you that you were wrong. 2. The warped mentality that having someone tell you honestly why they don’t want you is going to somehow make you feel peace, so you can move on.3. The neat packaging of finishing conversations because you have been stewing over it insecurely about the length of what a stalker does. 4. The one thing women don’t give themselves because if they didn’t care about the jerk they wouldn’t still be hanging onto another conversation that tells them what they already know: He just isn’t that interested in you.5. The anal retentive art of perfecting every ending with meaning, rather than just excepting you went through something rather sucky and he doesn’t care.6. The act of closing something with someone, when in reality you should slam the door.

Shannon L. Alder

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you.

..I find it incredible impossible not to cry when I hear Stevie Nicks's "Landslide," especially the lyric: "I've been afraid of changing, because I've built my life around you." I think a good test to see if a human is actually a robot/android/cylon is to have them listen to this song lyric and study their reaction. If they don't cry, you should stab them through the heart. You will find a fusebox.

I was trying to decide if you still had free will as a wolf. If I was a terrible person for planning to drug my girlfriend and drag her back to my house to keep in the basement.

Maggie Stiefvater

When you are unemployed, weekends are seven days long.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Hey, Geekoid!" yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV?

Pure wisdom is the 'fruit of life' banal platitudes are the 'bane of existence'.

It sometimes requires ignorance and arrogance to know something for sure.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Senses of humor define people, as factions, deeper rooted than religious or political opinions. When carrying out everyday tasks, opinions are rather easy to set aside, but those whom a person shares a sense of humor with are his closest friends. They are always there to make the biggest influence.

All trademarks, company names, registered names, products, characters, mottos, logos, jingles and catchphrases used or cited in this work are the property of their respective owners and have only been mentioned and or used as cultural references to enhance the narrative and in no way were used to disparage or harm the owners and their companies. It is the author's sincerest wish the owners of the cited trademarks, company names, etc. appreciate the success they have achieved in making their products household names and appreciate the free plug.

E.A. Bucchianeri

I'm the first to admit that I don't write right. Now, relax and enjoy the show! The sideshow, that is.

What are you going to do? "Can't say - run for president, write -" "Greenwich Village?" "Good heavens, no - I said write - not drink.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir.

Charles Dickens

With right fashion, every female would be a flame.

Fashion doesn't make you perfect, but it makes you pretty.

Dresses won't worn out in the wardrobe, but that is not what dresses are designed for.

Dresses don't look beautiful on hangers.

It's time to shop high heels if your fiance kisses you on the forehead.

Hands can cook, hands can create, hands can kill. There is no better tool than our hands.

True friends chop the onions and cry together.

Ljupka Cvetanova

He was stretched out like he was her own personal playground and she wanted to ride on his equipment for a bit longer.

Why do men always have such high opinions of their cock?

Stop smiling as if I’ve been acquainted with you for ages!

Olga Goa

Everyone thinks to the extent of their own depravity.

Olga Goa

I'm afraid that if we move on to such topics, I won't be able to let you go safe and sound.

Olga Goa

I swear I won't touch you even with a finger until you ask me yourself.

Olga Goa

If you go on touching me, I’ll catch fire before your eyes.

Olga Goa

We seldom learn much from someone with whom we agree.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most adults are knowledgeable to a child, but ignorant for their age.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most women would each be left with fewer dreams or without a dream, if the institution of marriage were to be abolished.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some writers write to forget. Some forget to write.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Hey, Doc, we better back up. We don’t have enough road to get up to eighty-eight,” I quoted as I slid into the passenger seat.“‘Roads?’” he replied in an excellent impression of Christopher Lloyd’s eccentric scientist. “‘Where we’re going, we don’t need roads!’” The call-and-response rituals of geeks were a thing of beauty, and allowed said geeks to identify each other across time and space.

Atom Yang

When it comes to their love lives, some people do not really have high standards; they merely have low sex drive.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people would instantly start feeling ten years older if someone were to convince them that they were actually born a decade before their birthdate.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some of the best things that have ever happened to us wouldn’t have happened to us, if it weren’t for some of the worst things that have ever happened to us.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people will insult your intelligence by suddenly being nice or nicer to you once you make it … or they think you have.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Being a bad parent is a sign of not having learned from experience.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

He who is jealous is better off not dating someone who is bisexual.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There is no such thing as a boring person when you are lonely or extremely bored.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There is so much woman in many a girl and too much boy in many a man.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Life curses some poor people with the love of luxury, while it blesses some with the very same thing.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

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