Humor Quotes - Page 116

Aren't we all a bunch of weirdos?

Err, sorry Father Abbot. I tripped y'see. Trod on my Abbot, Father Habit. Oh dear, I mean....

So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast."This is death toast sweety.

Christopher Moore

Are you familiar with that play?In fact, we're almost living it!

Michael Buckley

No hard feelings about that time in the Crucible when you mixed my salts and I was nearly blind for a day. No. No, really, drink up!

Patrick Rothfuss

My name's Jean Tannen, and I'm the ambush.

Horses are of a breed unique to Fantasyland. They are capable of galloping full-tilt all day without a rest. Sometimes they do not require food or water. They never cast shoes, go lame or put their hooves down holes, except when the Management deems it necessary, as when the forces of the Dark Lord are only half an hour behind. They never otherwise stumble. Nor do they ever make life difficult for Tourists by biting or kicking their riders or one another. They never resist being mounted or blow out so that their girths slip, or do any of the other things that make horses so chancy in this world. For instance, they never shy and seldom whinny or demand sugar at inopportune moments. But for some reason you cannot hold a conversation while riding them. If you want to say anything to another Tourist (or vice versa), both of you will have to rein to a stop and stand staring out over a valley while you talk. Apart from this inexplicable quirk, horses can be used just like bicycles, and usually are. Much research into how these exemplary animals come to exist has resulted in the following: no mare ever comes into season on the Tour and no stallion ever shows an interest in a mare; and few horses are described as geldings. It therefore seems probable that they breed by pollination. This theory seems to account for everything, since it is clear that the creatures do behave more like vegetables than mammals. Nomads appears to have a monopoly on horse-breeding. They alone possess the secret of how to pollinate them.

Diana Wynne Jones

It takes real planning to organize this kind of chaos.

Mel Odom

Reality is shaped by the forces that destroy it.

D. Harlan Wilson

When did you suddenly become Mister Maturity?

Michael Buckley

It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch."- Valek to Yelena

Maria V. Snyder

As for you, Private, if you mention a word of this to anyone, I'll feed you to the cat thing here. Understand?""Yum," said Mogget."Yes, sir!" mumbled the telephone operator, his hands shaking as he tried to smother the burning wreckage of his switchboard with a fire blanket.

Garth Nix

The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

She's a girl after my own heart. Food first, conversation later.

You’ve jerked my heart more than your dick.

Many have balls but only a few have heart.

Oh my…!Love can be troubled somber,mournful and yet subtle and precise. Love is a chaotic thing, my dear!

The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.

When your heart starts to feel full again. I love FREE refills, and if a restaurant tries to double charge me, I refuse to write a love poem on their Yelp page.-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz

In high school, she’d been the loner fat girl and I’d been the asshole jock. There had always been something between us; we had gotten on so easily. I remember being both confused and upset that when I’d finally experienced that thing everyone called chemistry, it had been with her of all people.

Rose Fall

Don't trust the heart, it wants your blood.

Stanisław Jerzy Lec

Take care of your car in the garage, and the car will take care of you on the road.

Among all the machines, motorcar is my favorite machine.

I am so obsessed with the cars that sometimes I feel like my heart is not a muscle, it's an engine.

I love the wheels, I mean steering wheel.

He aimed at the lawyer's heart but missed it. It was a mistrial.

Natalya Vorobyova

Oh, well, faint heart never won so much as a scrap of paper

Dorothy L. Sayers

*Prostitution* is a euphemism for rape incidents that the victim and the economy profits from.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

And now that I have been scammed once, I felt like it could not happen to me again.

Vann Chow

If money is a curse, may God smite me with it, and may I never recover!

Fiddler on the Roof

Stocks may come and stocks may go, but food goes on forever.

Beatrice Fairfax

Truth is like poetry.And most people fucking hate poetry.

When someone doesn't want to change then there is nothing you can do to change them. And, when someone wants to change there is nothing you can do to stop them.

Restraining, saving, assuring your checkbook balance...what does all taht amount to? If I go broke one day I'll just take out loans

Novala Takemoto

(Regarding check-cashing places):It's hitting me how poor this really is: I'm standing in a long line to pay someone to give me my pay. So, technically, they get paid before I do, and it's my damn check.

Nothing, save the hangman's noose, concentrates the mind like piles of cash.

Tim Wu

I cannot afford to waste my time making money.

Max would conclude, "that's who I want to be. The pope. And I'll do the same thing he does. I'll keep all the goddamn money.

They do say money is the root of all evil."I thought that was supposed to be the love of money."There's neat for you. 'Tis them without it that loves it best.

Seriously. Poor little me can deal with having mated a millionaire.”“Oh, you found someone else? With less money?

There’s no such thing as free kittens.

Brian P. Cleary

Daughters can spend ten percent more than a man can make in any usual occupation. That’s a law of nature, to be known henceforth as ‘Harshaw’s Law.

Robert A. Heinlein

Businesspeople are like sharks, not just because we're gray and slightly oily, or because our teeth trail the innards of those we have eviscerated, but because we must move forward or die.

The ideas of debtor and creditor as to what constitutes a good time never coincide.

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.

The Duke of Dunstable had one-way pockets. He would walk ten miles in the snow to chisel an orphan out of tuppence.

What a pair they were - a Mistborn who felt guilty wasting coins to jump and a nobleman who thought balls were too expensive.

Brandon Sanderson

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got lots of numbers in it.

In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?

Terry Pratchett

AC/DC is very easy to miao along to!

Jean Lowe Carlson

I took a break, stretched, tried again, failed, kicked over the music stand (I am not proud of that), and wonder whether I had reached the limits of my musical ability. Maybe I'd never had any. Surely someone with a modicum of talent wouldn't have to work this hard.

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine.

Benny Bellamacina

I have been thinking about what might happen if they installed clappers to turn on and off the lights in a concert hall. Maybe they could spare the cost of hiring some people for the next rock concert.

Fee-fi-fo-fum, you better run and hideI smell the blood of a petty little coward

Attracting musicians is rather like inviting flies over to tea: they are tolerable for half an hour, but when they begin to touch the food, you either wish they would go home or die.

Michelle Franklin

Classic of '43. Don't knock it. A Vintage year.

Keith Richards on change—"It's gotta go up and down. Otherwise, you won't know the difference. It would be just a bland, straight line, like lookin' at a heart machine. And when that straight line happens, baby, you're dead.

Jessica Pallington West

One of the Keith Commandments is that nothing is secret.

Jessica Pallington West

Self-publishing a shitty book doesn't make you an author any more than singing in the shower makes you a rockstar or squeezing your pimple makes you a dermatologist.

I'm gonna go put my earplugs in and practice piano for hours until my fingers bleed. I practice the piano with the focus of Helen Keller—and nothing can distract me from the scent of the music.-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz

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