Funny Quotes - Page 2

Self-publishing a shitty book doesn't make you an author any more than singing in the shower makes you a rockstar or squeezing your pimple makes you a dermatologist.

Oliver Markus

Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

Criss Jami

There is this common notion that people are shallow and ignorant until they go out and see the world. I, on the other hand, went out and in comparison realized I was in pretty good standing.

Criss Jami

Bitch, if I ain't a G, I'm an OG

Genereux Philip

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

Genereux Philip

I'm a Baroque person. More than Baroque, I'm a Rococo person. I don't draw straight lines.

Nuno Roque

Growing up I sometimes imagined that for Christ's return perhaps He would appear as 'Black Jesus' to white people and 'White Jesus' to black people just to screw with the racists.

Criss Jami

When guys try to get a good job and make a lot of money, it's so that they can find a good mate, because they know women like guys with money. Big tits are to men, what big wallets are to women. A sexy woman can have almost any man she wants. And a rich guy can have almost any woman he wants.

Oliver Markus

The real purpose of the opposition is to minimize the amount of money the ruling party will have stolen from the people at the end of its term.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some mistakes are worse than others: wearing your underwear inside out isn’t as uncomfortable as wearing it back to front.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We human beings regard ourselves as (or compare ourselves to) animals only when it suits us.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Being HIV positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to die before each and every person who is HIV negative.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Not everyone who has killed themselves because they were HIV positive would have been killed by AIDS.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Many a woman would not be in a relationship with or married to her man, if he earned half of what he earns; and many a man would not be in a relationship with or married to his woman, if he earned twice as much as he earns.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some men are so indoctrinated that they sincerely believe that other than cooking and cleaning the only thing that a woman can do better than them is being a woman.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The answer to the question ‘How many children do you have?’ and the one to the question ‘How many children are you raising?’ are not identical in all cases: some men are not taking care of their own children, some are knowingly or unknowingly raising other men’s children, and some do not even know that they each have a child, another child, or other children.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Your relationship or marriage is dead or dying, if you almost always have to remind your partner to miss you (and/or they almost always have to remind you to miss them).

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as beautiful as she is).

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If we had to earn our age by thinking for ourselves at least once a year, only a handful of people would reach adulthood.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The only real reason that some relationships and marriages have not yet been ended is because in each case one of the partners has not yet found their ideal partner or someone they love or at least like.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people would not have remained with their partners, if the unfortunate things that have happened to them had happened to their partners, or if the fortunate things that have happened to their partners had happened to them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people wouldn’t still be sane, if they were not religious or superstitious; some wouldn’t be disabled or dead.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Death would not surprise us as often as it does, if we let go of the misbelief that newborns are less mortal than the elderly.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I thought the trees down in Lady Zelana’s country were about as big as a tree could get,” he said, “but the ones around here are so tall that they probably tickle the moon’s tummy when she goes by.

David Eddings

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

Matshona Dhliwayo

The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.

Matshona Dhliwayo

To evade arrogance, remind yourself (from time to time) that your talent or success could have been better. To be thankful, remind yourself (every now and then) that your illness or failure could have been worse.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There are always messages, even enigmas to be searched, mysteries to be solved in all of my books. I like to puzzle readers, but I do not make so to the point of being so complex that they will lose interest in the plot. And that for me is the essence of every great literature around the world, and that’s been so for ages.(....)Some were inpired by real life characters, some other books I wrote are hybrid fiction/non-fiction, so I pretty much get inspired by people who have lived, and even who are still breathing among us… so don’t get discouraged if I didn’t mention your personality traits yet. I might even have your name over my books, I must some day…

Ana Claudia Antunes

My maid never sweeps under the bed so I asked her to do so today. Found a pen, three pairs of shoes and the man I had lost two years ago.

Sanhita Baruah

I’ve got money!” Eve exclaimed in a frantic frenzy of hope, her eyes dancing wildly with the notion that there was some way out of this. “I mean, I don’t know what use money is to the Grim Reaper, but I’ve got a ton of cash! It’s in a hat box under my bed! I’ve got a bright red Lexus in the garage, I’ve got my engagement ring upstairs, it’s real gold… there must be something we can trade off with…”“You can’t bribe me away, I’m afraid,” said Mr. Azrael. “Money means nothing where I come from.

Rebecca McNutt

Yeah, that’s what Jeffrey said too. Oh, wait … Jeffrey said something about a Sacred Abil and the Trophy of Stavlini, or Stavriti, or Stav … something.”“Staviti?” The hysteria in Emmy’s voice was definitely becoming prominent now. “The Trophy of Staviti? You stole the Trophy of Staviti?”I clapped a hand over her mouth, trying to muffle her shriek. “No!” I answered reflexively. “Or yes. Kind of. Maybe. Why?”She gave a muffled answer, and I realised that I was still holding my hand over her mouth. I pulled away, allowing her to speak again.“You don’t know who Staviti is, Willa? Seriously? You couldn’t pay attention in class even for that much?”“I knew it sounded familiar,” I grumbled, feeling defensive. “Is it the god of … um … food or something?

Jaymin Eve

You’re not mending anything, remember, Sand? The hedge.” He paused and shook his head at himself. “And Perrotte’s away for a few minutes, and you’re talking to yourself again.

Merrie Haskell

Saint Melor’s father was Saint Meliau.”“Was everyone in Bertaèyn a saint, back in the day?”“Everyone who didn’t murder anyone, maybe,” Perrotte said.

Merrie Haskell

The truth is . . . Well, the truth is the truth, and thus worth telling, but sometimes truths are so complicated that it’s exhausting to get them out in the right order.” He glanced up at her. That sounded like an evasion if ever she’d heard one. She raised an eyebrow.

Merrie Haskell

Perrotte frowned. “I’d like to turn a plowshare into a sword ,” she said. “I’d cut our way out of those thorns, and then use it to run my enemies through—” She bit off her next words and swallowed them. Sand stared at her, aghast. She met his eyes, defiant. “What? You don’t like bloodthirstiness?” she asked. “Pardon? No. I’m horrified that you would dull a sword on that thorn brake. I could make you some pretty good hedge shears.

Merrie Haskell

I’m alive,” he groaned. “But I’m not doing a very good job of it.

Merrie Haskell

The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature.

Gail Honeyman

Previous 1 2 3 4 Next

Funny Quotes - Page 2

Related Topics