Funny Quotes - Page 2

Mr Moss's courtyard is railed in like a cage, lest the gentlemen who are boarding with him should take a fancy to escape from his hospitality.
William Makepeace Thackeray
I had heard of offices feeling like prisons, but in this case our prison felt, rather anticlimactically, like an office.
William Ritter
The only furniture in the dank space was a flimsy cot. Water dripped steadily in one corner. A hole in the floor appeared to serve as a latrine. What most caught Kendra's eye were the messages scratched on the wall. She roamed the cell, reading the crudely inscribed phrases."Seth rules!Welcome to Seth's House.Seth rocks!Seth was here. Now it's your turn.Seth Sorenson forever.Enjoy the food!If you're reading this, you can read.All roads lead to Seth.Is it still dripping?Seth haunts these halls.You're in a Turkish prison!Seth is the man!Use the meal mats as toilet paper." And so forth.Cold, hopeless, and alone, Kendra found herself giggling at the messages her brother had scrawled. He must have been so bored!
Brandon Mull
From: Beth Fremont To: Jennifer Scribner-Snyder Sent: Thurs, 09/30/1999 3:42 PM Subject: If you were Superman … … and you could choose any alter ego you wanted, why the hell would you choose to spend your Clark Kent hours — which already suck because you have to wear glasses and you can’t fly — at a newspaper? Why not pose as a wealthy playboy like Batman? Or the leader of a small but important nation like Black Panther? Why would you choose to spend your days on deadline, making crap money, dealing with terminally crabby editors?
Rainbow Rowell
I briefly consider keying her precious BMW, but quite frankly, I don't have the energy to go all Carrie Underwood on her ass. I still have over an hour drive ahead of me. -Jackson 'Blame It on the Pain
Ashley Jade
The point of the list wasn't just to tick items off and forget about them, it was to learn something new.
Lindsey Kelk
But have you ever seen one?....They shook their heads. "Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage - "Man, she liked that Bible. I'd read it and could definitely understand it's appeal, but I didn't have time for this.
Darynda Jones
Kevin", his father began, "I've been thinking about it – I guess I was kind of carried away. It's just that I've waited so long for my old school to make it to the Regionals... I suppose I was living it vicariously through you. Keith says you're not going to fail, after all. Is that right?""Looks like I'll make it. I know it's hard to believe...""Yes, it is. I was hoping you could get a football scholarship, you know. Something to waive the entrance requirements, because I don't know what college would take you-""Yeah. Thanks a lot Dad," Kevin said sarcastically. He already knew what his father thought of him and didn't need to be reminded yet again."Oh, come on. You know perfectly well that you're too stupid to-""That's not what my boyfriend says. Oh, by the way, Dad – I'm a faggot. Did I mention that?""... Kevin – get your stuff, and get out.""Gladly.
Failte
(…) Trying to think of how to take the least crowded ways to class, so the least amount of people will stare at the hole in my neck. Sometimes it feels like it has a beacon in it, flashing for the entire world to see, except it's not cool like the Bat signal.
Keary Taylor
She’s like a cross between an onion and donkey,” Farah said.“Why?” Jason and Connor asked simultaneously.“Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.
Mark A. Cooper
He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent.
James Dashner
He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.
Derek Landy
Thomas was sick of being accused of knowing things.
James Dashner
There was a few seconds' pause. Then Amit said: I meant, what were you thinking just now.When? said Lata.When you were looking at Pran and Savita. Over the pudding.Oh.Well, what?I can't remember, said Lata with a smile.Amit laughed.Why are you laughing? asked LataI like making you feel uncomfortable, I suppose.Oh. Why?--Or happy--or puzzled--just to see your change of mood. It's such fun. I pity you!Why? said Lata, startled.Because you'll never know what a pleasure it is to be in your company. Do stop talking like that, said Lata. Ma will come in any minute.You're quite right. In that case: Will you marry me?Lata dropped her cup. It fell to the floor and broke. She looked at the broken pieces--luckily, it has been empty--and then at Amit.Quick! said Amit. Before they come running to see what's happened. Say yes.Lata had knelt down; she was gathering he bits of the cup together and placing them on the delicately patterned blue-and-gold saucer.Amit joined her on the floor. Her face was only a few inches away from his, but her mind appeared to be somewhere else. he wanted to kiss her but he sensed that there was no question of it. One by one she picked up the shards of china.Was it a family heirloom? asked Amit.What? I'm sorry--said Lata, snapped out of her trance by the words. Well, I suppose I'll have to wait. I was hoping that by springing it on you like that I'd surprise you into agreeing......Do stop being idotic, Amit, said Lata. You're so brilliant, do you have to be so stupid as well? I should only take you seriously in black and white.And in sickness and health.Lata laughed: For better and for worse, she added.
Vikram Seth
The important question is, what will your wear for a wedding dress, Alexia? You look horrible in white.
Gail Carriger
Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you'll have all the foul black misuse of water you can drink.
Scott Lynch
He things we think he's a double agent, working for them but secretly working for us. He doesn't know we know he's a triple agent, working for them but secretly working for us but really he's secretly working for them. Dexter, how's your brain?""Hurting.
Derek Landy
As it 'appens, I am Arthur's right-hand man," said Suzy. "Or left-hand girl, I can't remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least the thumb and the little finger. I mean, I'm his top General, and all. So if I say you're in, you're in.
Garth Nix
Nevermind nomenclatures, boy! What a serendipitous situation this is!
T.T. Faulkner
Please don't arrest me.""Listen to me, I'm not going to arrest you, ok? I'm not a cop.""Are you sure?""Am I sure I'm not a cop? yes, I'm sure.""You could be undercover.
Derek Landy
You promise?""I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now.
Derek Landy
The Black Pit of Despair is temporarily closed for renovations. We apologize for any inconvenience.
David C. Holley
This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability.""Who was the test subject?" asked Aurora."I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field."She stared at him. "You zapped your own brain?""And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't.
Derek Landy
What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our
Derek Landy
Your--ah--intervention, shall we say, has simplified things in the palace enormously. We no longer have to worry about Salmissra's whims and peculiar appetites. We rule by committee, and we hardly ever find it necessary to poison each other anymore. No one's tried to poison me for months.
David Eddings
It's not so bad."Melancholia looked at her. "You're lying.""I'll get used to it. So will you.""I... I don't think I'll be able to.""I'll be there to help when you need it.""But I hate you."Valkyrie smiled. "No you don't.""No, I do. I want to kill you and stuff.""We actually became friends in those caves.""That's not what happened, " said Melancholia."We're pals. We're buddies.” "If my wrists weren't in shackles, my hands would be round your throat.""You want to hug my throat because we're friends.
Derek Landy
Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense."There is a vegetable-plant hybrid we've been working on, modifying the genes and receptors, mutating the proteins and acids so that they are, in effect, neurotransmitters. Our work on the synapses alone has been quite illuminating."Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.
Derek Landy
The queen sighed. "What am I going to do with all of you now!" "You're going to let us continue our journey," Belgarath replied calmly. "We'll argue about it, of course, but in the end that's the way it'll turn out."She stared at him. "You did ask, after all. I'm sure you feel better now that you know.
David Eddings
You're impossible," she told him. "Of course I am," he answered. "It's part of my charm.
David Eddings
I'd say," the Ranger answered after a few seconds' deliberation, "that he'll be heading south now that he has the chance. Back into Araluen.""How do you know that?" Horace asked. He was always impressed at the two Rangers' ability to read a situation and come up with the correct answer to a problem. Sometimes, he thought, they almost seemed to have divine guidance."I'm guessing," Halt told him.
John Flanagan
And why would I be hiding from Master Chubb in his own kitchen?" Halt challenged. Again, Horace shrugged innocently. "Well, there was a tray of freshly made pies airing on the windowsill, wasn't there? And you're quite fond of pies, aren't you, Halt?" Halt drew himself up very straight in the saddle. "Are you accusing me of sneaking into that kitchen to steal the pies for myself? Is that it?" His voice and body language simply reeked of injured dignity."Of course not, Halt!" Horace hurried to assure him, and Halt's stiff-shouldered form relaxed a little."I just thought I'd give you the opportunity to confess," Horace added.
John Flanagan
You'll want something mid-range. A 5.56 all right?""I suppose.""AR-15?""Ugh. AR-15? I'd rather not have my gun break down on me every second week." Besides, every wannabe and their dog had an M16 or M4 variant these days."G7.""Not accurate enough.""FAL?""A 7.62? Maybe," I said. "Though I hate the triggers.""As picky as a woman with her shoes," Abraham grumbled."Hey," I said. "That's insulting." I knew plenty of women who were pickier with their guns than they were with their shoes.
Brandon Sanderson
... sentiments which Feliks had already come to recognise as being characteristic of The Times, which would have described the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as strong rulers who could do nothing but good for the stability of the international situation.
Ken Follett
Ear demons are totally real," Cody said. "They're what make microphones like these ones work. They're also what tell you to eat the last slice of pie when you know Tia wanted it.
Brandon Sanderson
I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman.
Alex Potvin
Hyperbolic statements will be the death of us all
William McGregor Robson
Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile.
Zane Stumpo
When she walked by the two officers, they didn't recognize her. "Have you seen the luscious bonbon with the golden braids?" She grinned up at them with such impish mischief that they almost forgot their quest for the singer. "She is with her lover," Hannah said. "But she can always handle one or two more." She winked at them. "Go there, through that door." She made her escape while the uniformed hobbledehoys gawked and gaped and finally burst into the dressing room where Franz, the three-hundred-pound juggling strongman, was adjusting his loincloth. "I ought not do it," Hannah said aloud to herself as chaos erupted behind her. "I just can't seem to help myself. it is a shame, really.
Laura L. Sullivan
My name is Mr Bread." He began writing his name neatly on the board. "But you can call me Peter."Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred."Pita Bread!" proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the back.
David Walliams
I wonder now how we got by when you weren't here.""I have no doubt the devastation was widespread, the suffering universal.""Indeed, it was the Dark Ages in the annals of Mrs. Dawlish's house. Ignorance was thick on the ground, and unenlkghtenment befogged all the windows.
Sherry Thomas
I think out of seven billion people, there is probably more than just one soul mate. Surely, the paid employee in charge of each person's love life has taken into account the possibility of fatal snake bites and heavy falling objects.
Augusten Burroughs
Why don't you wear those tiny shorts when you run, like they do in the movies?" His voice was low and sexy, and he knew it."Because I'm not in a movie. I know it's confusing, since you obviously live 'The Saxon Show' day and night, but some of us want to live a boring, old, normal high school life, you know?
Liz Reinhardt
But a movie doesn't have to be good if it has Hugh Jackman.
Jesse Andrews
We're dying of boredom, Corporal, that's the problem.' [Blend] 'If boredom was fatal there wouldn't be a soldier alive on this whole world, Blend.' [Picker]
Stephen Erickson
Moreover, grandmothers of students who aren't doing so well in class are at even higher risk - students who are failing are fifty times more likely to lose a grandmother compared with non-failing students. In a paper exploring this sad connection, Adam speculates that the phenomenon is due to intrafamilial dynamics, which is to say, students' grandmothers care so much about their grandchildren that they worry themselves to death over the outcome of exams.
Dan Ariely
Only dead fishes go with the flow.. I guess that make me a dead fish!
Shanai Campbell
If you want to live a life free of regret, there is an option open to you. It’s called a lobotomy.
Kathryn Schultz
Honor is kind of what you get when you weaponize manners ...
Jasper Fforde
Heat radiated off Henry's face. Salty snot ran down his upper lip. A majestic fart propelled him to the top of Section 12, just at the springing of the stadium's curve. He slapped the sign as if high-fiving a teamate. It gave back a game shudder. He was crusing now, darkness be damned, stripping off his sweatshirt and his long underwear top without breaking stride.
Chad Harbach
The doctor's wife ate two apples a day, just to be safe. But her husband kept coming home.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
I hate when I break my own rules. What’s the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown?
Jesse Ball
We do not propose any rules; we offer observations. "No right on red" is a rule. "Driving at high speed toward a brick wall usually ends badly" is an observation.
Howard Mittelmark
Wait!" she cried, and she yanked away from him and gathered her heels and her ruinedpurse. She slid the shoes on and straightened her shoulders. "I will go as a lady should," she claimed bravely. "In patent leather heels.
Abigail Roux
Ricewind had always relied on running away. But somerimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight, if only because there was nowhere left to run.
Terry Pratchett
Even her pink bunny slippers seem to prick up their ears.Diary of a Penguin-napper (p. 15)
Sally Harris
All mothers are slightly insane.
J.D. Salinger
You, lass, have a self-image problem.”Well, that might be a little true, but she also had a mirror.
Cherise Sinclair
A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it is now quite literally the cornerstone of one of America’s greatest ballparks.(Fenway)
Nicole McKay
What’s going on?� Ingrid asked. “Listen, nothing bad today, please.� She pulled a chair out and sat down. Faye stared at her and said the words as quickly as she could. “I’m just going to give it to you straight as I can. Mila is a witch.� Ingrid busted out with a laugh. “I wouldn’t call her that,� she said. “That’s a little harsh, isn’t it?� She poured the juice into her glass and took a drink. “What did the brat do this time?� She set her glass down.
Taylor Keys
But that was last year,” I protested as we walked through school on Tuesday, three days beforeHalloween. “I’m serious, you know how people are. They forget about things.”“Oh, really?” Roux said, then turned and smiled at a brunette passing us. “Hey, Julia, what’s up?How are things?”“Slut,” Julia responded, and kept walking.Roux just looked back at me knowingly. “You were saying?
Robin Benway

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