Joke Quotes

Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..

This two quotes make me laugh"Andre Linoge: Born in lust, turn to dust. Born in sin, COME ON IN." (Stephen King on Storm of the Century)"We are on location, not on vacation"(Unnatural 2015 Film)Everyday when I read it or I repeat it makes me laugh it's kind a joke. The first one is a killer joke, the second one is...(you guess from who is this joke!)

Deyth Banger

I never stopped joking around long enough to realize you weren't laughing anymore.

Alexandra Potter

He who makes fun of a short and fat man’s weight is much less cruel than he who makes fun of his height.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.

Ziad K. Abdelnour

The inmates made jokes about the chair, the way people always make jokes about things that frighten them but can't be gotten away from.

Stephen King

Someone once told me a joke," he said. "I'd like to be a pacifist, but people keep getting in the way.' I made a decision to fight for my friend in prison. It was a deliberate decision. It isn't the only way-it's just something I decided.

Edeet Ravel

If you were to ask Jarod Kintz‬‬‬ what his personal favourite joke was, he'd say the one with the island. The big one next to New Zealand.-Stefan D and Jarod Kintz

Stefan D

Being a Muslim is not a joke but a challenge. If you think it is, come and live in Pakistan where you will know about Muslims' enemies around the globe

Faisal Nawaz Maitlo

If you have a problem with me, it is OK, because Mullah Omar does too.

M.F. Moonzajer

I hear sweets help these kind of things, too…” -Jared“What kind of things is that?” -April“I don’t know.” He shrugs before adding, “Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

Sheena Hutchinson

What did the zombie say to the whore? Keep the tip!

Diana Rowland

Life as a private investigator, slash bounty hunter wasn’t all Gary Beck wanted it to be. There weren’t any big mansions on a palm beach owned by an affluent writer generous enough to let him live rent-free and use his spare Ferrari. But then you have to ask yourself, what could you expect living on a planet like Deanna? As a third-rate colony in the Terran Empire, Deanna had more than its fair share of dull moments. It orbits a star called Ramalama. If you think that’s funny, Deanna’s two moons are called Ding and Dong, respectively (this is a local joke) and one of them falls down occasionally.

Christina Engela

Alecto… what do you think would happen if people found out about you? Your abilities, your life, Mearth’s super 8 films, those powers of yours… how would they react?”“I don’t know,” said Alecto, “but ordinary people like a show, especially when it’s a disturbing one. They enjoy seeing misery… probably because it allows them to pretend that they themselves are not so miserable, too. Also, they would probably find out about you, how you know about Personifications, how you saw the films… they would put us in cages and throw peanuts at us, I guess.”“All joking aside, Alecto.…”“Who is joking, Mandy Valems?

Rebecca McNutt

On Mars, the joke went, a man’s hole was his castle where values of castle approached dorm room.

James S.A. Corey

At my urgent request the Curie laboratory, in which radium was discovered a short time ago, was shown to me. The Curies themselves were away travelling. It was a cross between a stable and a potato-cellar, and, if I had not seen the worktable with the chemical apparatus, I would have thought it a practical joke.(Wilhelm Ostwald on seeing the Curie's laboratory facilities.)

Wilhelm

I'm the most famous person, problem is people don't know it yet…

Kevin Focke

When I go to the bathrooms, I cannot take off my pants as before; because there is a light continuously blinking like a camera, everyone says it is just an environmental friendly lighting. Well, I cannot really trust it and I am not taking the risk of circulating my naked photos around.

M.F. Moonzajer

There is a somewhat time-worn joke about people taking up library work because they like to read : the joke consisting of the fact that librarians have so little time to read. But, I tell you, those who do not, and there are some, are in the wrong profession.

Mary Virginia Provines

Do you know why they call this place the Rookery?" Elodin asked. I shook my head."Because it's where you go if you're a-ravin'." He smiled a wild smile. He laughed a terrible laugh.

Patrick Rothfuss

If a black black cat crosses your path, it suggests that the animal is going somewhere.

M.K. Bhutta

You, Stan, are covered with dirt and leaves.''''I just applied for a job as a tree,'' I said. It made so little sense, he didn't even bother responding.

Sean Beaudoin

Damn it. What are we exactly calling a 'masculine problem'? Did he have trouble running the flag up? Or did it fall to half staff?"Do we have to speak about this metaphorically or-""Yes," Leo said firmly."All right. He..." Poppy frowned in concentration as she searched for the right words, "... left me while the flag was still flying.

Lisa Kleypas

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

Marcus Brigstocke

I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.

Gustave Eiffel

The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.

Friedrich Schiller

It's unpleasantly like being drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water.

Douglas Adams

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.

honeya

Even if it’s a really funny joke, don’t laugh if the devil’s the one telling it!

Sean Patrick Brennan

What do you have in mind? Rebuild the city?" Eric asks. "Or should we skip to the repopulating part?""Shut up," Jost commands. "You aren't funny.""Why? That's the nice part of getting stuck on a completely forsaken piece of dirt.""You better hope that you find someone to help you do it then, because she's taken. I'm sure there's a nice dog around here somewhere. Maybe you should stick to your own species," Jost says.

Gennifer Albin

I tell the squad a joke: "Stop me if you're heard this. There was a Marine of nuts and bolts, half robot--weird but true--whose every move was cut from pain as though from stone. His stoney little hide had been crushed and broken. But he just laughed and said, 'I've been crushed and broken before.' And sure enough, he had the heart of a bear. His heart functioned for weeks after it had been diagnosed by doctors. His heart weighed half a pound. His heart pumped seven hundred thousand gallons of warm blood through one hundred thousand miles of veins, working hard--hard enough in twelve hours to lift one sixty-five ton boxcar one foot off the deck. He said. The world would not waste the heart of a bear, he said. On his clean blue pajamas many medals hung. He was a walking word of history, in the shop for a few repairs. He took it on the chin and was good. One night in Japan his life came out of his body--black--like a question mark. If you can keep your head while others are losing theirs perhaps you have misjudged the situation. Stop me if you've heard this...

Gustav Hasford

If someone loves sweet things and constantly eats angel´s hair tartlets should this be diagnosed as having some sort of heavenly trichotillomania?

Ana Claudia Antunes

- I'm a Neuroscientist.- What's that? What do you study?- I study your brain!

Vardan Hambardzumyan

You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is.

Santosh Kalwar

Creating a complete picture of a company financial health, by looking at periodic financial statements, is like turning a hamburger into a cow

Don Tapscott

. . . I still wouldn't be able to control myself around him, and I'm math geek enough to know that equation doesn't work out.

Robin Brande

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!

Ana Claudia Antunes

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

Matshona Dhliwayo

The biggest irony in the history of India is the term, "Muslim Personal Law."Law of the land could never be personal.

Ketan Waghmare

You said "Hi", I to be polite will say "Bye"!

Deyth Banger

Trying to be offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive should always deem one the least offensive of offenders.

Criss Jami

A good joke doesn’t necessarily need appreciation from others. One can freely laugh at one’s own deserving jokes.

Pawan Mishra

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.

Lemony Snicket

I'm financially ugly.

Rea Lidde

I'll only go if there's cake.~Tobias "Four

Veronica Roth

Then she called Gansey.It rang twice, three times, and then: "Hello?"He sounded boyish and ordinary. Blue asked, "Did I wake you up?"She heard Gansey fumble for and scrape up his wireframes."No," he lied, "I was awake.""I called you by accident anyway. I meant to call Congress, but your number was one off.""Oh?""Yeah, because yours has 6-6-5 in it." She paused. "Get it?""Oh, you.""6-6-5. One number different. Get it?""Yeah, I got it.

Maggie Stiefvater

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shouting, whoa! while a good many of the rest are busy strewing banana peels along the line of march.

Elbert Hubbard

Have you heard the joke about the chemist, physicist and economist who get wrecked on a desert isle, with a huge supply of canned baked beans as their only food? The chemist says that he can start a fire using the neighbouring palm trees, and calculate the temperature at which a can will explode. The physicist says that she can work out the trajectory of each of the baked beans, so that they can be collected and eaten. The economist says "Hang on guys, you're doing it the hard way. Let's assume we have a can opener.

Steve Keen

And what if the other kids laugh at me?” Kerry complained to her parents as she nibbled on a piece of toast that morning. “I have a Cape Breton accent! They’ll know I’m from Canada and they’ll start asking me if I lived in an igloo or ate maple syrup, bacon and seal meat every day!”“You’re really overreacting,” Susan chuckled, sipping on a glass of orange juice. “Canada is a lot like the States and the only thing separating both countries is an imaginary boarder! If anyone laughs at you, tell them it doesn’t snow year-round, you got free health care while you were there and that you never rode a polar bear to school. Besides, do you know how many popular movies and TV shows from the States were filmed in Canada?”“It’s not just the Canada stuff mom,” Kerry sighed worriedly. “I’m from Dym, it’s an industrial dump!”“Yeah, and have you looked at Pittsburgh lately?” Susan asked. “Full of coal mines and steel mills, just like Sydney was when we lived there! I actually rather came to like the pollution, I don’t think I’d ever want to leave it.

Rebecca McNutt

When we perceive aliens as a joke to be laughed at,they feel so pity for us on the success of their plans.

Toba Beta

Ugh!' snarled the Wolf, as he limped through the brushwood with his tail between his legs, 'this is perfectly monstrous weather. Why doesn't the Government look to it?

Oscar Wilde

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

Jon Stewart

My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.

Randy Kagan

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

S.A. Tawks

Everybody laughed for a long time, for it was the kind of joke that seemed to grow on you. You would laugh and eventually stop. But after a few minutes you would think of the joke again, and you would burst out laughing all over again.

Zakes Mda

Dat's a some joke, Hey Boss.

Chico Marx

Don't stop there. I suppose there are also, what, vampires and werewolves and zombies?""Of course there are. Although you mostly find zombies farther south, where the voudun priests are.""What about mummies? Do they only hang around Egypt?""Don't be ridiculous. No one believes in mummies.

Cassandra Clare

I recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian... The two were engaged in disputation and the theologian used the old quip about a philosopher resembling a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat — which wasn't there. ‘That may be,’ said the philosopher, ‘but a theologian would have found it.

Julian Huxley

I’m relieved to seethat even brilliant physicists make mistakes.”Kohler looked over. “What do you mean?”“Whoever wrote that note made a mistake. That column isn’t Ionic. Ionic columns are uniform in width. That one’s tapered. It’s Doric—the Greek counterpart. A common mistake.”Kohler did not smile. “The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them.

Dan Brown

Sometimes you feel as though you've slandered yourself, but the joke's on them.

Criss Jami

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