Humour Quotes - Page 57

We could all use the power of prayer now and then, but it seems to me that the people who are sure they have a direct line to heaven are most often calling collect with bad news.

Mark Abramson

Look!" Hawkeye said. Duke looked where Hawkeye was pointing. In one corner, kneeling on the dirt floor with his elbows on his cot, a Bible in front of him, his lips moving slowly, and oblivious to all about him, was Major Jonathan Hobson."Jesus," Hawkeye said."It don't look like Him," Duke said.

Richard Hooker

Hundreds of hysterical persons must confuse these phenomena with messages from the beyond and take their glory to the bishop rather than the eye doctor.

James Thurber

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

During the Bosnian war in the late 1990s, I spent several days traveling around the country with Susan Sontag and her son, my dear friend David Rieff. On one occasion, we made a special detour to the town of Zenica, where there was reported to be a serious infiltration of outside Muslim extremists: a charge that was often used to slander the Bosnian government of the time. We found very little evidence of that, but the community itself was much riven as between Muslim, Croat, and Serb. No faction was strong enough to predominate, each was strong enough to veto the other's candidate for the chairmanship of the city council. Eventually, and in a way that was characteristically Bosnian, all three parties called on one of the town's few Jews and asked him to assume the job. We called on him, and found that he was also the resident intellectual, with a natural gift for synthesizing matters. After we left him, Susan began to chortle in the car. 'What do you think?' she asked. 'Do you think that the only dentist and the only shrink in Zenica are Jewish also?' It would be dense to have pretended not to see her joke.

Christopher Hitchens

A halo is a cock ring for the soul.

Corey DuFour

I'm as religious as the next man - which is to say I'll keep in with the local parson for form's sake and read the lessons on feast-days because my tenants expect it, but I've never been fool enough to confuse religion with belief in God. That's where so many clergymen... go wrong

George MacDonald Fraser

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!

Kathy Griffin

On peut rire de tout mais pas avec n'importe qui.

Coluche

And so Mort came at last to the river Ankh, greatest of rivers. Even before it entered the city, it was slow and heavy with the silt of the plains, and by the time it got to The Shades even an agnostic could have walked across it. It was hard to drown in the Ankh, but easy to suffocate.

Terry Pratchett

Heaven. The biggest waste of our time we ever invented, outside jigsaws.

Caitlin Moran

When asked why I don't believe in God I reply, quite simply, "vaginas".

Robert Clark

I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don't know quite what I've done. I've tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I'm sorry.

John Lennon

If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards!

Terry Pratchett

I'd rather teach you how to make BREAD than give you a SLICE from my BREAD.

Genereux Philip

It is the most fun I’m ever going to have. I love to write. I love it. I mean, there’s nothing in the world I like better, and that includes sex, probably because I’m so very bad at it. It’s the greatest peace when I’m in a scene, and it’s just me and the character, that’s it, that’s where I want to live my life.

Joss Whedon

Sometimes the body gets out of bed an hour before the brain.

Peter James West

The awful part of the writing game is that you can never be sure the stuff is any good.

P.G. Wodehouse

No, she laughed." How on earth could that be done? If you try to laugh and say ‘No’ at the same time, it sounds like neighing — yet people are perpetually doing it in novels. If they did it in real life they would be locked up.

Hilaire Belloc

While an author is yet living we estimate his powers by his worst performance, and when he is dead we rate them by his best.

Samuel Johnson

All trademarks, company names, registered names, products, characters, mottos, logos, jingles and catchphrases used or cited in this work are the property of their respective owners and have only been mentioned and or used as cultural references to enhance the narrative and in no way were used to disparage or harm the owners and their companies. It is the author's sincerest wish the owners of the cited trademarks, company names, etc. appreciate the success they have achieved in making their products household names and appreciate the free plug.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Polysyllables obfuscate a preponderant ignorance with so much more style and panache.

John Patrick Lowrie

Eating was still a sore point with Smriti.She failed to understand,when interesting options like mango juice or chocolates were available,why was she forced by her stupid mother to eat boring regular meals?After much contemplation,Nikhil came up with a suggestion'Don't give her food till she herself asks for it'.His idea'starve-to know-the-worth-of -food'made sense to Abhilasha,though it took her a great deal of resolve before she could actually try it out. So on a sunday,the'lady with an iron will'took over from'the soft and kind hearted mother'.she did not give her anything to eat and waited for the golden moment,expecting a hungry Smriti to beg for food.But the much awaited moment never came.Smriti was not at all bothered about her meal and kept playing happily. The day turned into evening and still there was no trace of hunger in her."Aren't you feeling hungry?' now a worried mother had no option but to eat the humble pie and ask the daughter."No Maa. My friend Pinky had brought wafers and chocolates. Those were so yummy that I ate them all......"And that was the end of her'starve-to -know-the-worth-of-food-mission.

Chitralekha Paul

I am a drinker with writing problems.

Brendan Behan

I love Sherlock Holmes. I've got all his books, leather-bound. What I thought was great about Sherlock Holmes was that not only was he a supersleuth, he was also a hard worker. Not only did he go out and solve the crimes, he came home and wrote it all down. Fantastic. That's why I admire him.

Steve Coogan

Everywhere I go, I am asked if I think university stifles writers. My opinion is that it doesn't stifle enough of them.

Flannery O'Connor

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

Gustave Flaubert

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

Joss Whedon

Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.

Christopher Hitchens

So it's off with the shellsuit and on with the Armanis,Bring out the champagne and the caviar sarnies

Roger McGough

Parent-Teacher ConferenceAt the parent-teacher conference,my father made a scene.He scared my fifth-grade teacher,with his mask from Halloween. She showed him all my science gradesand said she was concerned,but he just stuck his tongue outwhen my teacher’s back was turned. He drew a monster on the boardand claimed it was her twin.He even shook her soda,which expolded on her chin. My angry teacher crossed her armsand said, “This meeting’s done!I now see where he gets it from—you act just like your son!

Darren Sardelli

Memang sulit menulis puisi. Dan untuk apa mempersulit diri sendiri.

Danarto

Higgledy piggledy, my black hen,She lays eggs for gentlemen.Gentlemen come every dayTo count what my black hen doth lay.If perchance she lays too many,They fine my hen a pretty penny;If perchance she fails to lay,The gentlemen a bonus pay.Mumbledy pumbledy, my red cow,She’s cooperating now.At first she didn’t understandThat milk production must be planned;She didn’t understand at firstShe either had to plan or burst,But now the government reportsShe’s giving pints instead of quarts.Fiddle de dee, my next-door neighbors,They are giggling at their labors.First they plant the tiny seed,Then they water, then they weed,Then they hoe and prune and lop,They they raise a record crop,Then they laugh their sides asunder,And plow the whole caboodle under.Abracadabra, thus we learnThe more you create, the less you earn.The less you earn, the more you’re given,The less you lead, the more you’re driven,The more destroyed, the more they feed,The more you pay, the more they need,The more you earn, the less you keep,And now I lay me down to sleep.I pray the Lord my soul to takeIf the tax-collector hasn’t got it before I wake.

Ogden Nash

Oh! That was poetry!" said Pippin. "Do you really mean to start before the break of day?

J.R.R. Tolkien

I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it

Terry Lander

Morning, noon & bloody night,Seven sodding days a week,I slave at filthy WORK, that mightBe done by any book-drunk freak.This goes on until I kick the bucket.FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT

Philip Larkin

I was trying to do you a favor, you silly woman. A few more hours in the fire, and your baby boy would have been immortal! He would’ve grown into a fine young god and brought you eternal honor. Now you’ve ruined the magic. He will simply be human—a great hero, yes, strong and tall, but doomed to a mortal life. He will only be Demophoon, when he could have been Fully Phoon! Phoon the Great!

Rick Riordan

Flirting with random women in a tavern? That sounds like Helios. Well, it sounds like most of the gods, actually.

Rick Riordan

With right fashion, every female would be a flame.

Amit Kalantri

Fashion doesn't make you perfect, but it makes you pretty.

Amit Kalantri

Dresses won't worn out in the wardrobe, but that is not what dresses are designed for.

Amit Kalantri

Dresses don't look beautiful on hangers.

Amit Kalantri

It's time to shop high heels if your fiance kisses you on the forehead.

Amit Kalantri

Women strive to be the change they want to see in the mirror.

Ljupka Cvetanova

We seldom learn much from someone with whom we agree.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most adults are knowledgeable to a child, but ignorant for their age.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most women would each be left with fewer dreams or without a dream, if the institution of marriage were to be abolished.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some writers write to forget. Some forget to write.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

When it comes to their love lives, some people do not really have high standards; they merely have low sex drive.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most of the very few people who would choose a good heart over riches would eventually use that to either make a lot of money, or attract men or women who are rich.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people would instantly start feeling ten years older if someone were to convince them that they were actually born a decade before their birthdate.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some of the best things that have ever happened to us wouldn’t have happened to us, if it weren’t for some of the worst things that have ever happened to us.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There’s no such thing as a good or bad person: there are just people who have each been or seem to have been good or bad to you, someone, or some people, thus far.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people will insult your intelligence by suddenly being nice or nicer to you once you make it … or they think you have.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Being a bad parent is a sign of not having learned from experience.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

He who is jealous is better off not dating someone who is bisexual.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There is no such thing as a boring person when you are lonely or extremely bored.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There is so much woman in many a girl and too much boy in many a man.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Life curses some poor people with the love of luxury, while it blesses some with the very same thing.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We call talking about other people’s personal lives ‘gossip’ only if we aren’t or weren’t part of the conversation.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

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Humour Quotes - Page 57

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