Humour Quotes - Page 52

Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.

This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you hang up. Or your penis claims wrong number or misdial or no hablo Ingles. It's infuriating, and it's called genital call me maybe.

Penny Reid

Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

101 Reason why its its great to be a woman : Since the advent of feminism, we can publicly ogle male bodies and not be called sexist. If a man indulges in this behavior over a picture of naked woman, he is a sexist pig, and recompense must be demanded for this slight on womankind.

Summersdale Publishers

Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk.

Anna White

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.

Terry Pratchett

How are we going to get out of here?""Oh, escape is easy once you have the right

Derek Landy

What happened?" he asked brusquely, interrupting me. "What do you mean, what happened?""I sensed your fear, heard you call out my

Kristi Cook

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.

Brett Tate

The brain can be a dangerous thing. Even more so if you haven't got one.

Dave Courtney

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

Hannah Harrington

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does. "How's it hanging?" Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez!

Barry Lyga

don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male

Keisha Keenleyside

It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something.

Catherine Gilbert Murdock

I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish.

Jerome K. Jerome

Tag opened the door to his knock, and with a look of disappointment, peered behind Wade."You got someone better coming over?" Wade asked him."Pizza," Tag said.

Jill Shalvis

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Rodney Dangerfield

Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I’dmet them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.“Hindenburg,” I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. “Walt, why in the world—?”“Sorry!” he yelled. “Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.I moved to Walt’s side and tried to get my bearings.

Rick Riordan

He's all right. His hair is cute."Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in love.""I'm not in love.""'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call."" I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank.""Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you!"" Will you simmer. I certainly am not.

MaryJanice Davidson

Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?""Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth.""Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms.

MaryJanice Davidson

Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent." Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. "You should have resisted. That's like blaming someone who was struck by lightning for getting in the way.

Richard Paul Evans

What the hell am I doing...? Escape holding myself as a hostage...? I won't be able to make it like that...

Tsugumi Ohba

May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.

Roman Payne

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

Rick Riordan

Pops added,"you know, they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve.""And if you do, you never get the results you expected," (Katherine) replied.

E.A. Bucchianeri

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.

Libba Bray

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.

Charlotte Perkins Gilman

The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge f

Tara Janzen

If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.

Rick Riordan

It's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the garden, whichever's nearest) with the sole intention of tormenting humankind.

Charlie Brooker

The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.

Roman Payne

There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.

Charles Dickens

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once.

Brett Tate

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

Molly Harper

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.

Darynda Jones

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.

James Hetfield

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose."Where?"In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically.

Roald Dahl

I've been thinking of installing a train in my house. It could bring me shrimp crackers from the kitchen.

Cassandra Clare

That's your solution? Have a cookie?

Michael Grant

I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

Hannah Harrington

I'm a whore!"Miki hit the brakes...her hands.. gripping the steering wheel, glanced at Sara. "You're not wearing any underwear, are you?"Sara let out a strangled squeal...

Shelly Laurenston

All I could determine was that it must have been a nice thing to see if it was a house you were thinking about moving into. But not so nice if it was the house you were moving out from. I could practically hear Mr Collins, who had taught my fifth-grade English class and was still the most intimidating teacher I'd ever had, yelling at me. "Amy Curry," I could still hear him intoning, "never end a sentence with a preposition!" Irked that after six hears he was still mentally correcting me, I told the Mr. Collins in my head to off fuck.

Morgan Matson

Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.

J.A. Saare

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.

E.A. Bucchianeri

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

J.A. Saare

Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.

Doug MacLeod

When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each

Simone Elkeles

You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull.

MaryJanice Davidson

He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)

Noel Gallagher

You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF.

- Jordan Kyle Cassandra Clare

I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

Libba Bray

I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.

Fran Lebowitz

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go.""You just got here.""Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.""You're making that up.""I'm not.""So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?

Rick Riordan

Say, ‘Thank you, Phin.’ ”“Oh, please.”“Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. ”“I don’t think so.”“Say, ‘You are a great lover, Phin.’ ”“I’m out of here.

Jennifer Crusie

I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big."His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.""What?"The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Otis," I said."Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis.""I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.

Rick Riordan

1. You left a multipack of Mars Bars on top of your wardrobe. Can I have one? Dad x2. I had three. Hope that's OK. Dad x3. I'm just going to have one more. Dad x4. Harriet, your Dad's made himself sick on an entire multipack of Mars Bars again. Please don't leave sweets where we can find them. A x

Holly Smale

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

Honoré de Balzac

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Humour Quotes - Page 52

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