Humour Quotes - Page 50

I do not wait till i am in trouble till i can call on God. I have learned to speak the way God speaks, I have learned to see things the way God sees and I have also learned to handle it the way God handles it. Christ is the daily language of my mouth and faith is my daily talk and my actions have become the language of my life.
Patience Johnson
While studying my bible, I noticed that all the miracle Jesus did was never magical, the people that received their healing call it the blind man, the woman with the issue of blood, lazarus, the man they threw through the ceiling to him etc, had one thing in common. I didn't call it faith but I call it action. ...they made a move and was ready to make a shift and a change.Lessons to learn from here; faith without work better put without action is dead. Secondly, miracle will never find you in your sitting room, you need to make a move in order to find it. Third, God can only start the work in your life only with what you have left not what you do not have. Fourth, do your own part and then allow God to do the one you cannot do. Fifth, always be ready for a change. Sixth, when you have done everything and nothing seems to work....Call on JESUS...I am a living withness, He always starts when we are tired.
Patience Johnson
Christians believe in a big God but do small things and this is a big insult to God.
Patience Johnson
Christianity is not for seasonal use, it is for daily use. Make the word of God your daily Language.
Patience Johnson
Take anything that is above you to God, lift it, bless it and release it and see what God will do.
Patience Johnson
I believe that to be kept from evil is better than to be healed from sickness.
Patience Johnson
Any prophet who does not refer you to christ is not a true prophet.
Patience Johnson
What you need to succeed is already there, just lean on God. For your faith's sake, God can still disappoint the devil.
Patience Johnson
You can't stop satan from doing his job; his job is to steal, kill and destroy but don't let him stop you from doing your own job; and your job is to bind and lose his stronghold. His job is to destroy you and your job is to destroy him too. Cast him out.
Patience Johnson
When you go nearer to God, He shows you what to do, He tells you when to do it and He backs whatever He promised.
Patience Johnson
There must be a demand, there must be an urge and there must be a will and where there is a demand and a will, there will also be a way.
Patience Johnson
If you are looking for bad news ask new york times or CNN, if you are looking for good news ask me. I am an ambassador of good news.
Patience Johnson
I do not need to grow up or train in the gym in order to beat the devil, when I know that my God can beat him for me.
Patience Johnson
Nobody is too holy for the devil's attack, even your tithes and offerings won't stop him either but God rebukes the devourer through your giving.
Patience Johnson
When you leave where God is sending you to somewhere else, your star will varnish. A lesson to learn here....don't go to Herod's house when you are looking for Jesus.
Patience Johnson
You can win war without fighting and you must not fight a war in order to win. The battle is of the Lord.
Patience Johnson
Some people are in church but not in christ because if you are in christ, the first sign of true christianity is peace.
Patience Johnson
Man may change, government may change, people may change but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.
Patience Johnson
If the word of God cannot do it in your life then your Pastor must be wasting his time.
Patience Johnson
It is not your duty to run from the devil but resist him and he will flew from you.
Patience Johnson
You can prophecy without going to the bible school. If you acknowledge Jesus, you receive the gift of prophecy and you can prophecy. The holy spirit is always there for you.
Patience Johnson
Cheap food always requires expensive treatment.
Patience Johnson
When next the devil attack you apply your break resist the devil and he will flew from you. The bible didn't say you should run from the devil but resist him.
Patience Johnson
When last did you thank God? When last did you appreciate him? Some people are just busy praying for more things they need God to do. The best way to pray is by thanking God first for the things He has already done in your life. For the remaining job in your life, He knows how to finish it.
Patience Johnson
Stop telling God what you want to have , He is going to use what you have left to give you what you need.
Patience Johnson
I have lived long enough to see God make my enemies my footstool not even footsteps.
Patience Johnson
The task is not in getting the healing the task is in what will you do with your healing. The task is not in seeing the light the task is in what will you do with the light. It is when you have choices that God can see who you really are not when you are without.
Patience Johnson
Question: when you picture Jesus ministering to others, how do you see Him? Certainly not with the stressed-out, hurry-up attitude we often have. Don’t you get an image of Him ministering in a quiet, tranquil peace? That’s a trait you need to develop too. As ambassadors of Christ we need to become more like our Master in dealing with others. Paul writes, ‘Live in peace, and [then] the God of love [Who is the Source of affection, goodwill, love, and benevolence toward men] and the Author and Promoter of peace will be with you.’ When you resort to force, argument, intimidation, anger, and coercion, you’re on your own. But when you demonstrate affection, goodwill, love, and benevolence towards people, God has promised to be with you
Patience Johnson
Unless you acknowledge your vulnerability for sin, you won’t pray against it and you’ll end up experiencing defeat. The most effective weapon the enemy has against you - is you
Patience Johnson
Satan can’t prevail against you when you know God’s Word and stand on it. So have your ‘It is written’ armour ready. Build yourself up on the Word of God before the attack comes.
Patience Johnson
If you are landing it doesn't really matter who is sitting beside you but while you are taking off, it is very important you know who is around you. Eagles don't flock with pigeons.
Patience Johnson
Any bridge you refuse to burn gives Satan an invitation and re-entry point into your life.
Patience Johnson
Unanswered prayer is God’s gift … it protects us from ourselves. If all our prayers were answered we’d abuse the power … use prayer to change the world to our liking, and it would become hell on earth. Like spoiled children with too many toys and too much money, we’d grab for more. We’d pray for victory at the expense of others … intoxicated by power we’d hurt people and exalt ourselves. Isaiah said, “The LORD longs to be gracious to you … therefore He waits” (Isaiah 30:18 NASB). Unanswered prayer protects…breaks…deepens and transforms. Past unanswered prayers which left us hurt and disillusioned, act like a refiner’s fire to prepare us for future answers.’ Bottom line: pray with the right motives!
Patience Johnson
God sends the best to those who deserves it.
Patience Johnson
Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Even those who want to go to heaven would rather kill than be killed.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
After another long silence, bit by bit, realisation dawned upon Edmund and he became even paler than Hecate herself which was, in itself, a fantastic achievement. Adele Rose, Awakening.
Adele Rose
Jeese, I thought, fear choking me. I was being targeted by a ‘tangoed’ psychopath!
Adele Rose
I think I’ll give the Cage of Death a miss too,” I said. Crocodiles were fascinating creatures, like living dinosaurs, but they could do their living over there somewhere, far away from me.
Renee Conoulty
He hated being filled with terror. It was embarrassing.
Rick Riordan
Could be. I’m a pretty dangerous dude when I’m cornered.”“Yeah,” said the voice from under the table, “you go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel.
Douglas Adams
The first step towards true enlightenment is to lighten up on yourself.
Bashar
We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We also wish to make it absolutely clear that Librarians should not attempt to use the Library to transport dinosaur eggs. And if they do disregard this rule, under no circumstances should they draw official in-world attention while doing so. In fact, we wish to remind all Librarians that they are here to collect books, not dinosaurs. Those Librarians who have problems distinguishing between the two should take a refresher course in Library basics.
Genevieve Cogman
Archie Henderson has won no awards, written no books and never played any representative sport. He was an under-11 tournament-winning tennis player as a boy, but left the game when he discovered rugby where he was one of the worst flyhalves he can remember. This did not prevent him from having opinions on most things in sport.His moment of glory came in 1970 when he predicted—correctly as it turned out—that Griquas would beat the Blue Bulls (then still the meekly named Noord-Transvaal) in the Currie Cup final. It is something for which he has never been forgiven by the powers-that-be at Loftus. Archie has played cricket in South Africa and India and gave the bowling term military medium a new and more pacifist interpretation. His greatest ambition was to score a century on Llandudno beach before the tide came in.
Archie Henderson
Vanity's contribution to Fiction in general was an abundance of cheap labour and the occasional blockbuster, which was accepted into Fiction with an apologetic 'gosh, don't know how that happened'.
Jasper Fforde
No matter how strong you are, you cannot hold open the jaws of a great-white shark with your bare hands... that can do your brain.
Ivan Stoikov
And when the firemen turned off the hose and were standing in the wet, smoky room, Jim's Aunt, Miss. Prothero, came downstairs and peered in at them. Jim and I waited, very quietly, to hear what she would say to them. She said the right thing, always. She looked at the three tall firemen in their shining helmets, standing among the smoke and cinders and dissolving snowballs, and she said, "Would you like anything to read?
Dylan Thomas
Never did she find anything so difficult as to keep herself from losing her temper when she was suddenly disturbed while absorbed in a book.
Frances Hodgson Burnett
Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand.
Robert Clark
One of the poets, whose name I cannot recall, has a passage, which I am unable at the moment to remember, in one of his works, which for the time being has slipped my mind, which hits off admirably this age-old situation.
P.G. Wodehouse
One of the disadvantages of almost universal education was the fact that all kinds of persons acquired a familiarity with one's favorite writers. It gave one a curious feeling it was like seeing a drunken stranger wrapped in one's dressing gown.
Stella Gibbons
It looked like the sort of book described in library catalogues as 'slightly foxed', although it would be more honest to admit that it looked as though it had been badgered, wolved and possibly beared as well.
Terry Pratchett
Will I have to use a dictionary to read your book?" asked Mrs. Dodypol. "It depends," says I, "how much you used the dictionary before you read it.
Alexander Theroux
We're all a genius, but If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
Albert Einstien
If one cannot see gravitation acting here, he has no soul.
Richard Feynman
Fatigue fatigue is when you're tired of being tired.
Michael McGirr
People with jutting jaws are more likely to have open throats and hence be less susceptible to snoring and sleep apnoea. Chris Worsnop points out that superheroes such as Superman and Batman are often drawn with strong jutting jaws, a feature which, since the time we lived in caves, has been seen as attractive to women. The reason women may be attracted to jutting jaws may have nothing to do with jutting biceps or jutting anything else; it simply makes it less likely they will have to put up with snoring.
Michael McGirr
He’s going to kill me,” Peppone murmured, his jaw drooping, “or at least send out the order to have someone take care of me. Well,” with a sigh, “might as well get rid of this body before the others wake up.” He canted his head and mused to himself. “Maybe I should carve it up first.”t“At long last,” Bartleby cried, raising his eyes and wringing his hands, “somebody who has no regard for collective conscience and general morality. Oh, happy, happy morning!”t“Take care, Peppone,” Danaco laughed, “if you have so little regard for life and the creatural condition, Bartleby will attach himself to you and never leave you for a moment.
Michelle Franklin

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