Humour Quotes - Page 49

It struck me as pretty ridiculous to be called Mr. Darcy and to stand on your own looking snooty at a party. It's like being called Heathcliff and insisting on spending the entire evening in the garden, shouting "Cathy" and banging your head against a tree.

Helen Fielding

Just because you said dragon demons were extinct—""I said mostly extinct."Alec jabbed a finger toward him."Mostly extinct," he said, his voice trembling with rage, "is NOTEXTINCT ENOUGH.""I see," said Jace. "I'll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from 'almost extinct' to 'not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.' Will that make you happy?

Cassandra Clare

You're not very nice," I say, grinning."You're one to talk.""Hey, I could be nice if I tried.""Hmm." He taps his chin. "Say something nice, then.""You're very good-looking."He smiles, his teeth a flash in this dark. "I like this 'nice' thing.

Veronica Roth

Short cuts make long delays.

J.R.R. Tolkien

No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it

Fernando Pessoa

Do you hate people?”“I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around.

Charles Bukowski

We have buried the putrid corpse of liberty

Benito Mussolini

Another atrocity of summer is soccer. When the Euro Cup is on, it brings out the worst in people. It turns them into ravaging beasts who complain when a team they like, which they have done nothing to deserve, slips from grace and loses the match.An old man sitting beside me at the cafe was watching the men watch the soccer rather than watch the soccer himself. He found their reactions more entertaining than the game."All this stuff and nonsense over men kicking a ball," he groused. "And they don't do any of the work themselves."I told him, "We should just have wars. Then we would not need sports."He laughed and quite agreed with me.

Michelle Franklin

And how should we behave during this Apocalypse? We should be unusually kind to one another, certainly. But we should also stop being so serious. Jokes help a lot. And get a dog, if you don't already have one.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

North Korean troops gathering… inside North Korea.That is unheard of.""They were massing very close to the border.""North Korea is the size of Ohio. It would be geographically challenging for them to gather very far from the border.

Sylvain Neuvel

Her mother set to with the hairbrush again. “But would that be so awful, darling? To be the prettiest thing in Brimscombe-and-Thrupp?”“I should rather die.”“You nearly did.”“Yes, but I tend to blame the Germans.

Chris Cleave

As he grew older, which was mostly in my absence, my firstborn son, Alexander, became ever more humorous and courageous. There came a time, as the confrontation with the enemies of our civilization became more acute, when he sent off various applications to enlist in the armed forces. I didn't want to be involved in this decision either way, especially since I was being regularly taunted for not having 'sent' any of my children to fight in the wars of resistance that I supported. (As if I could 'send' anybody, let alone a grown-up and tough and smart young man: what moral imbeciles the 'anti-war' people have become.)

Christopher Hitchens

Lebedev: France has a clear and defined policy... The French know what they want. They just want to wipe out the Krauts, finish, but Germany, my friend, is playing a very different tune. Germany has many more birds in her sights than just France...Shabelsky: Nonsense! ...In my view the German are cowards and the French are cowards... They're just thumbing their noses at each other. Believe me, things will stop there. They won't fight.Borkin: And as I see it, why fight? What's the point of these armaments, congresses, expenditures? You know what I'd do? I'd gather together dogs from all over the country, give them a good dose of rabies and let them loose in enemy country. In a month all my enemies would be running rabid.

Anton Chekhov

You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you’re smart, you’ll end up as a comedian. If you’re not, you’ll end up as a clown.

Ljupka Cvetanova

My uncle would have about ten pints some nights and then drive us all home. I guess the feeling was that we weren't going to crash into anyone, because barely any fucker lived there.

Frankie Boyle

People are good because they are good in hiding their bad.

Ratish Edwards

Friday night was the night most people thought they were supposed to have fun. Trouble was most people didn't know what fun was or how to have it, so things usually ended up pretty ugly.

Kinky Friedman

People don't deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them.

Louis-Ferdinand Céline

Tommy and Scootie locked eyes. Only minutes ago, he wouldn't have believed that he could ever have felt such a kinship with the Labrador as he felt now.

Dean Koontz

Because the first time they met...Y-da: "You know, Y-naga-san, the more makeup you put on, the more you look like a guy in drag. So I'm going to call you F-mio!"Y-naga: "I-I like this person!"The moment she fell in love.

Fumi Yoshinaga

I should explain — in view of my last letter, you may find it slightly surprising — that Daphne and I are now bosom friends. That is to say, she seems to think we are; and I do not feel that I know her well enough to dispute it.

Sarah Caudwell

There! Now we're friends!" declared the minx. "Say you're sorry about my sister -""I am desolated!""That's a good boy!

Agatha Christie

If we had more reliable systems of law and governance perhaps our friendship would be shallower.

Kamila Shamsie

We never actually have serious conversations about anything for more than 20 seconds. So there’s a beautiful superficiality to our relationship which sometimes gets covered up by all the genuine affection flowing back and forth.

Kamila Shamsie

Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of guy I'd rather be. So do my friends.

Spider Robinson

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,There's always Pooh and Me.Whatever I do, he wants to do,"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.Let's go together," says Pooh, says he."Let's go together," says Pooh.

A.A. Milne

She told me later that her parents had told her to steer clear of me at school. "My mum said that nobody really knew where you came from. And that you might be dangerous." "Why didn't you listen to her?" I asked. "Because nobody knew where you came from, Simon! And you might be dangerous!" "You have the worst survival instincts." "Also, I felt sorry for you," she said. "You were holding your wand backwards.

Rainbow Rowell

the only way Bex would miss this would be if she were unconscious. And tied up. And in a concrete bunker. In Siberia.

Ally Carter

Luke diagnosed himself to be in love, and sought no cure for the disease.

Sarah Perry

The middle class were invented to give the poor hope; the poor, to make the rich feel special; the rich, to humble the middle class.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Like alcohol and poverty, a heartbreak has the power to make a man do something he wouldn’t normally do and to make a woman do someone she wouldn’t normally do.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

To evade arrogance, remind yourself (from time to time) that your talent or success could have been better. To be thankful, remind yourself (every now and then) that your illness or failure could have been worse.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

All I had was a dream and six million pounds.'Denholm, The IT Crowd

G. Linehan

No man's advice can change you unless you speak to yourself. Bible school or seminars can't change you, going to church can't change you except you decide to change.Psalm 139:23 - 24

Patience Johnson

We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people are still alive only because they find being dead more boring than being alive.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Dear Lord I am tired of forgiving people that offended me. Is there anyway you can fix this people's mind to do the right thing? Dear Lord I am tired of loving those that hate me, can you please replace their hateful heart with a lovng spirit. Dear Lord I am tired of hearing people complaining about the world not being peaceful, no money, so much wars and no love. Can you please open their eyes to see that there will be no peace for a wicked man. Remind them that you promised to supply all their needs and that with you all things are possible but it is possible to only those that believe just as I believe that only you can fix any hurting soul and situations.

Patience Johnson

You are created to be a creator. God does not give anyone a finished product. God did not create the telephone, car, computers, Facebook, amazon, ebay, God did not make a chair, He created a tree for you to produce the chair. He gave you the raw materials to look at and ask yourself what can I do with this?Are you a producer or a consumer? .....ponder

Patience Johnson

There is nothing good in the devil and there is nothing bad in God and with God all things are possible . And all things are possible to those that believe.

Patience Johnson

God didn't call me to kill me. He called me to glory and virtue. My body has dropped on His feet to follow me home no more. Who the son of God set free is free indeed.

Patience Johnson

If God give you a status, don't turn yourself to a statue. Don't become a monument. God still want to reside inside you but not in a monument.

Patience Johnson

The people that loves God, do they also have troubles? Yes but the troubles never have them. They can have pain but pain can't have them. Paul was in prison but prison was not in him. Don't let what you have, have you. Have money and time but don't let them have you. Have good name and title but don't let name and title have you but let God get glory out of it.

Patience Johnson

Any day God removes His hand from you, you are finished. Your hope and trust is only in Him. Your confidence, your strength, your power and your life is in God. There is no better life without Him. Look around the world and you will understand me.

Patience Johnson

So long as you are in God's hands, He will not throw you away. God cannot drop you for you to be ashamed.

Patience Johnson

I have lived long enough to know that wherever there is crisis there is always Christ. Look for Jesus in the middle of all your crisis. Whenever He comes the whole storm goes down.

Patience Johnson

Is your wife the devil? That is the reason the bible says we should cast out devil. Is your husband the devil? The bible still repeat cast out the devil. How can you reach your world if you can't reach your home? How do you expect to win the whole world if you can't win in your house.

Patience Johnson

Spiritual life is not mystic; when you decide to work with God, you have stepped to mystery, God can intervene at any time, God can come down even when you are not ready. From the minute you know and understand that God is interested in your marriage, job, business, health, the minute you know that God is interested in what you are doing for Him, the job will take a new turn, your business will take a new course, your life will have a new direction.

Patience Johnson

Is there anything in your life trying to slip off? Is your health threatening to leave you? Is your joy threatening to go? Is your job in jeopardy? Is your marriage shaking? Is there anything that you have been looking for in life? Is there anything near you that is about leaving you? Is there anything that you ever lost that was so dear to you? Jesus asked me to tell you that whatever that is gone out of your hand will come back again. Whatever that has gone out of your hand that you need to stay back with you will come back again.

Patience Johnson

What you need is not too big for God to supply.

Patience Johnson

In your roughest time, when everything looks so cloudy and deserted, don't look to man, don't look to a woman, don't look to government, don't look to Obama, don't look to Merkel, don't look to wall street, don't look to your family, don't look at your situation either, take off your eyes away from all those things that are so close to you; take it to Him that is bigger than your problem.

Patience Johnson

Why should sinners prosper and sins suffer? It is ignorant; don't think that the poorer you are the quicker you will see God, sorry no unclean thing shall see heaven. Poverty is a disgrace to God. The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof. You can be free, you can perform a miracle if you are a born again. I do not mean Church goers.

Patience Johnson

Poverty I am too beautiful to be like you. Sickness from the crown of my head to the sole of my feet, I belong to God.

Patience Johnson

You can never experience peace until you tell the devil that you are a child of God. CNN or BBC won't do that for you. My bible says if I should say to this mountain, let thou be removed. It didn't say if I should fall, cry or fail but if I should say.......

Patience Johnson

You don't wait till your case become terminal before you ask for a doctor. If you wait till it becomes incurable you will die without knowing your right. Spiritually put; you don't wait until you have problem before you pray. Pray without ceasing for you do not know when the problem will come. If you can bind headache you can bind cancer. If you can bind fever, you can equally bind ulcer. If you can loss a mentally dreaded man, you can loss and raise the dead.

Patience Johnson

Nothing is over in my life when Christ is above it. Anything higher than me is still below the feet of Christ. I am not born again to be burnt, I am born again to be born again so that I may live in peace and joy that comes only from God.

Patience Johnson

Your mouth can correct what is wrong. Your eyes can see evil and your mouth can speak righteousness. Your body can say I am sick while your mouth can say I am healed. Your eyes can say I am blind but your mouth can say I can see, Your pocket can say I am empty while your mouth can say I am swimming in abundance. Your Doctor can say that you are HIV Postive and Cancer but your mouth can say my body is a holy temple of God and by His stripes I am healed. Your womb can say that you are barren while your mouth can say "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward." Don´t live by sight, live by faith. Put it in practice.

Patience Johnson

See it (your situations) with your eyes but direct it to God

Patience Johnson

Anything that doubt me can´t doubt my God. Any situation that is too high for me can never be too high for my God.

Patience Johnson

What you say about your situation matters a lot in life than what you do to it. It helps when you know what to say. When things are not going the way they are supposed to go, God does not keep quiet, He always say something. Do the same, change your situation with the words of your mouth.

Patience Johnson

Faith to challenge equals recovery. When you learn to challenge your situation God speaks.

Patience Johnson

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Humour Quotes - Page 49

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