Humour Quotes - Page 23

Fifty grand for a paper bucket? Well it was all about context, you see.

Clearly, she hadn’t heard of the two words ‘social’ and ‘life’.

With every step, I cursed the person who had ever invented the saying: “Speak of the devil”. Clearly, they had no sympathy for me!

Adele Rose

Hecate smelt the odour of death as clearly as she might smell the wonderful, scented fragrance of blooming flowers in springtime or the delicious smell of dinner wafting down the hallway.

Adele Rose

The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Don't go getting offended my friend, I have much worse things to say to you.-Ad'Dam, Journey from Atremes

Riley Amos Westbrook

An avalanche is just a snowflake that got pissed off.

Andi James Chamberlain

two Lesbian Agents with glazed faces of grafted penis flesh sat sipping spinal fluid through alabaster straws

William S Burroughs

Then I think, fuck it, this bit of floor looks nice.

Jay Stringer

I wanted to make at least an effort to impress, so I found my best suit, a Primark special that looked like it had been ironed by a blind man

Jay Stringer

No, he didn’t come to me for a gun. I only said that because of you, thought maybe you’d want one, with being shot and everything.’ ‘Why the fuck would I want a gun? Would you ask a man who’s just been bitten by a shark if he wants to buy a shark?

Jay Stringer

The two of them kept an eye open for every tree or temple we passed by, and turned to me for a reaction of piety which I gave them, of course, and with growing elaborateness: first just touching my eye, then my neck, then my clavicle, and even my nipples. They were convinced I was the most religious servant on earth.

Aravind Adiga

We ran both the courier service and a detective agency from the same office, and had phone apps for both. Basically, we're Uber for parcels and mysteries.

Jay Stringer

The bullets are gun-eggs,” Collingswood said to Baron, looking at Vardy. Farmers squeezing their holy metal beasts to percussive climax, fertilisation by cordite expulsion, violent ovipositors. Seeking warm places full of nutrients, protecting baby guns deep in the bone cages, until they hatched.

China Miéville

I like it subdued and tepid, with far to much milk

Andi James Chamberlain

The rest of the evening passed agreeably: the crew had their games on the main deck, resigning themselves to Sirs and dice now that dancing was out, those who would go ashore to enjoy the dining halls and tea houses went after their matches were lost, and those who remained either took themselves off to an early rest or remained with the musicians, to sing out the remainder of the evening by way of a few round songs, calling out verses in melodic dissonance, singing the history of Good Marrie the Whore and though there were “Ten hands in her purse, there was still room for one more!”,

Michelle Franklin

It’s a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean

F.D. Lee

Daddy loved his son. Daddy believed his son walked on water. Daddy, Mike had long ago decided, was an idiot.

Nicholas Sparks

Sometimes You Need To Do The Wrong Thing For The Right Reason.

Mensah Samuel

Jack picked a piece of mint from his glass and chewed on it for a second. “I’m curious,” he said,“is telling someone to relax ever helpful? It’s like saying ‘breathe’ to someone who ishyperventilating or ‘swallow’ to a person who’s choking. It’s a completely useless admonition.

Cynthia D'Aprix Sweeney

The worst part of being a driver is that you have hours to yourself while waiting for your employer. You can spend this time chitchatting and scratching your groin. You can read murder and rape magazines. You can develop the chauffeur's habit it's a kind of yoga, really of putting a finger in your nose and letting your mind go blank for hours (they should call it the "bored driver's asana").

Aravind Adiga

I wondered: if I was so hell-bent on chaos, why would I adopt a military rank? Perhaps there was a part of me that needed rules, needed regulations and order.

Steven Poore

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Chic Murray (1919-1985).

Not just one way to describe ourselves, but two ways, at least.Not just one way to hunt for a job, but two ways, at least.Not just one kind of job to hunt for, but two kinds of jobs, at least.Not just one size company to go after, but two sizes, at least.Not just one place we really would like to work at, but two places, at least.

Richard N. Bolles

I'm not stupid... I'm just too lazy to show you the extend of my knowledge!

Oreki Houtarou

Minimalism is a girl's best asset, blend tones, smudge hard outlines; if all else fails; Photoshop it.

Judith Chambers

God gave you brain so that you can give him rest.

Wheto Joseph Seyon

The raven settled back. “Dog is Cordi.” “Said that.” Percy took flight from Kate’s shoulder and landed next to the raven. “First.” Copernicus swatted the parrot with a wing. Percy ducked his head, feathers fluffing, and twisted, bumping the other bird with his rear. David intervened before a bird brawl broke out in earnest. “Enough, you two.

Gayla Drummond

Giving up drinking for life is easy.I've done it loads of times.

Peter James West

Laugh and the world laughs with you.Fart and you're on your own.

Peter James West

You only get one life.Too bad you already made a mess of it.

Peter James West

. . . Mrs. Arcanum considered foreign parts only marginally less unspeakable than private parts. . .

Terry Pratchett

The day you start accepting that life is a bitch and laughing over it, is the day you won't seem to mind how many puppies she gives.

Manmeet Singh Narang

Dawson!” Ash yelled from below. “What are you doing? Stop! Do something, Adam!”Adam’s laugh followed. “Someone needed to put Andrew in his place. I always figured it would be Daemon. Who knew.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

You're sure?' I asked. 'I mean, the Lord of the Sword is great. But you could also be, I don't know, the Slammer of the Hammer'.

Rick Riordan

Then he started his period.One week in bed.Two doctors in.Three painkillers four times a day.And later a letter to the powers-that-bedemanding full-paid menstrual leave twelve weeks per year.

Carol Ann Duffy

The sky's gone blue: azure, the ocean bluer: cerulean, the trees are swirls of every hella freaking green on earth and bright thick eggy yellow is spilling over everything. Awesome. Doomsday's most definitely been cancelled. Landscape: When God Paints Outside The Lines

Jandy Nelson

Mission accomplished' I said.Pudge my friend we are indefuckingstructable.

John Green

Pardon me if, reading that, I want to laugh, because you want to relieve me of a fear I've never had. I've never thought that, as they say, you eat little children.

Jeanne D'Albret

He plugged the phone into the outlet.It rang. Roman stared at it as if it were a viper. The phone rang again. He unplugged it. “There.” “It can’t be that bad,” I told him. “Oh, it’s bad.” Roman nodded. “My dad refused to help my second sister buy a house, because he doesn’t like her boyfriend. My mother called him and it went badly. She cursed him. Every time he urinates, the stream arches up and over.

Ilona Andrews

You're Missing a hand." And you're missing a brain!

Nadine Brandes

I do not encourage early morning chirpiness, even in those whom I know and love. It is generally a sign of a sloppy mind, and is not to be encouraged.

Alan Bradley

Indeed, it may most verily be saidThat only death and taxes certain are.

Ian Doescher

You can't conceive the perverse ingenuity he could put into hiding his affections.

May Sinclair

You want them to give Batman counselling sessions?""It's genius. Just make Bruce Wayne get over his shit, then, presto, no more Batman. The baddies win by default.

Jay Stringer

…you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridiculous and the absurdity of life…We are all crazy and crazed.

Joan Rivers

Alys," he exclaims happily. "I think this might work out. You're going to be excellent in getting rid of unwanted visitors.""I'm not a fucking Rottweiler," I say indignantly.

Lily Morton

On growing peonies:The fact that a flower as gentle and delightful as the peony should be so exacting and dictate such harsh terms hits me with the force of a cold shower. It's just like my girlfriends when I was a teenager, it was always the loveliest and most yielding ones who ran everything...[and] According to the English gardening book, peonies are so fussy that you might as well not bother. You'd need to go back generations to discover the composition of the soil, you'd have to go right back to the Big Bang to find out how the elements are distributed in your garden.

Bodil Malmsten

After my parents were dead, I found in a box and in two chests of drawers nothing but hundreds of bright red Alpine caps, I said, nothing but bright red Alpine stockings. Every one of them knitted by my mother. My parents could have gone into the High Alps with these bright red caps and bright red stockings for thousands of years. I burnt every one of those bright red caps and bright red stockings, I said. I put on one of my mother's hundreds of bright red Alpine caps and in this costume burnt all the others, laughing, laughing, continuously laughing, I said.(Goethe Dies, p.65)

Thomas Bernhard

I can't believe there's a part of you that grows when you need it. You're like a mutant.""I'm a vampire," Baz says, "and can you hear yourself?

Rainbow Rowell

Casting a curious gaze down on planet Earth, extra-terrestrial beings could well be forgiven for assuming that we humans are programmed in every move we make, by a palm-sized, oblong, slab of glass. More perplexing than that, who on earth could convince them otherwise ?

Alex Morritt

A man should never miss an opportunity to keep his mouth shut.

David Eddings

The decker these ***holes brought with them is top tier, but I'm going to stomp his jelly beans so hard his kids will be born crooked.

Amie Kaufman

Dez cringed as her boss slammed his door closed. But before she could walk away, he snatched it open again. “And I better not see your ass until after the New Year!” He slammed it again.Dez glared at Bukowski as she headed back to her desk. “I didn’t even do anything.”“You did ask her if she killed Petrov. I think your exact words were, ‘You whacked him, didn’t you? You sadistic bitch.

Shelly Laurenston

Yeah, that sure was Mace Llewellyn staring at her from the other side of her desk. Just staring. Like he used to. Like he knew where she’d buried the bodies of all her goldfish after their unfortunate “accidents” or what she did with her sisters’ toothbrushes on more than one occasion.

Shelly Laurenston

This is Trenicia, the queen of the warrior women of the Isle of Akalla. Different places have different traditions and different customs. On the Isle of Akalla, the women rule, and the women do the fighting.""What do the men do?" the horseman Ekial asked curiously."As little as they possibly can," the warrior woman said in a sardonic tone. "Over the years, they’ve foisted just about everything off on us. We have to grow the food, hunt the meat, and fight the wars. The men sit around getting fat and arguing with each other about something they call 'philosophy' - most of which is pure nonsense.

David Eddings

The men sit around getting fat and arguing with each other about something they call “philosophy” - most of which is pure nonsense.

David Eddings

C is for coffee. Coffee would always be there for her.

Cassandra O'Leary

It keeps him happy, Dahlaine, and happy people are nicer than gloomy ones. Haven't you noticed that before?

David Eddings

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Humour Quotes - Page 23

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