Humour Quotes - Page 22

There would be fewer absent fathers, if straight men were turned on only by women with whom they would not mind having children.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

He created waterfalls for her out of the morning dew, and from the colored pebbles of a meadow stream he made a necklace more beautiful than emeralds, sadder than pearls. She caught him in her net of silken hair, she carried him down, down, into deep and silent waters, past obliteration. He showed her frozen stars and molten sun; she gave him long, entwined shadows and the sound of black velvet. He reached out to her and touched moss, grass, ancient trees, iridescent rocks; her fingertips, striving upwards, brushed old planets and silver moonlight, the flash of comets and the cry of dissolving suns.

Robert Sheckley

What use is of an eye to be open if it's not there to see! Shouldn't it rather be gauged or closed for it deceives?

Hecate dresses in all black, is extremely pale, unearthly beautiful and has the most chilling eyes I’ve ever known. All in all, she comes across as one of ‘The Walking Dead’ – except alive and far prettier!

The library could be summed up in three words – enormous, ancient and dusty – extremely dusty. It was exactly like those magnificent libraries you more or less see in every gothic movie. What’s more, I was thankful that I was not an asthmatic, for this was most definitely their form of hell.

So much for a “Happy Halloween!” I thought sarcastically. I should wear a huge sign around my neck from now onwards that reads: ‘Stay clear of me if you want your party to survive the night’!

Soon, they actually began to titter on their toes as they glared at me, looking more like an army of angry wasps than ever before. All they needed now were matching yellow and black jumpers and pretend stingers!

Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

But tonight I'll go alone. You're about as stealthy as a lame elephant. See you later." She patted me on the shoulder and took off down the path, leaving me behind, both charmed and insulted. The side effects of hanging around Charlotte Holmes.

Brittany Cavallaro

Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people, on waking up, accelerate through a quick panicky pre-consciousness check-up: who am I, where am I, who is he/she, good god, why am I cuddling a policeman's helmet, what happened last night?And this is because people are riddled by Doubt. It is the engine that drives them through their lives. It is the elastic band in the little model aeroplane of their soul, and they spend their time winding it up until it knots. Early morning is the worst time -there's that little moment of panic in case You have drifted away in the night and something else has moved in. This never happened to Granny Weatherwax. She went straight from asleep to instant operation on all six cylinders. She never needed to find herself because she always knew who was doing the looking.

Terry Pratchett

Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Sir William was also startled, but when Vicky smiled at him, rather in the manner of an engaging street-urchin, his countenance relaxed slightly, and he asked her what she was doing with herself now that she had come home to live."Well it all depends," she replied seriously.Sir William had no daughters, but only his memories of his sisters to guide him, so he said that he had no doubt she was a great help to her mother, arranging flowers, and that kind of thing."Oh no, only if it's that sort of a day!" said Vicky.Sir William was still turning this remark over in his mind when the butler came in to announce that dinner was served.

Georgette Heyer

Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

(on learning Westlife had beaten Oasis, U2 and The Beatles in an album chart battle in November 2006): There is no God.

Why, how much did you tip him?'Ford named a figure again.'I don't know how much it is,' said Arthur. 'What's it worth in pounds sterling? What could it buy you?''It would probably buy you, roughly... er...' Ford screwed his eyes up as he did some calculations in his head. 'Switzerland,' he said at last.

A laugh a day does you more good than an apple – read a humours book ...

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the bloody penis wander. ~ Heartbreak's A Bitch!

Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not know it or them anymore.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Death would not surprise us as often as it does, if we let go of the misbelief that newborns are less mortal than the elderly.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

How could they have forgotten the importance of today’s date? My brain screamed at me as, with shaking fingers, I climbed the stairs to the bus, before making my way to the back, out of sight. My birthday, like the norm, happens on the same date every year. Therefore, the confused part of my brain argued, how could they have all simply forgotten this fact and acted so “normal” when I entered the kitchen this morning? They may have been abducted by aliens in the night? This was a voice from the incomprehensible area of my mind. Consequently, their behaviour would make complete sense then! Furthermore, answered another voice from the same ridiculous compartment, they could’ve simply gone to bed last night fine and then awoken the next morning with amnesia? Sometimes, these things happen unexpectedly. Adele Rose, Awakening.

He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Surely, if my parents and older brother were awake now, that would mean that they would have remembered such an important date and, as soon as they saw me, congratulate me on living another year? Adele Rose, Awakening.

Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I have tremendous respect for anyone who can control his palate enough to learn not only to drink beer but to enjoy it too.

Eknath Easwaran

Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We are sometimes depressed by our failure to convince people who strongly believe that we are that we are definitely not depressed.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I guess that the goddess Venus wasn’t on my side with this fine specimen of the male gender!

Although he was undeniably handsome, at the end of the day, he was still some random stranger, who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, wanted to talk to me and who knew my name. The term ‘Stranger Danger’ flashed before my eyes! Therefore, no matter how hot he was, I wasn’t going to let my guard down…yet.

Make a run for it! A voice in my head commanded me. Make a run for it, before it’s too late! This voice was clearly sensible. However, sometimes I wasn’t sensible, especially when intrigue was involved.

PE! This word was comprised of two single letters, which would normally not cause anyone any trouble. They were two single letters that were usually associated with the further words of “health” and “extended life” and therefore, had a positive reputation. However, for me, the P and the E put together was the worst possible combination. Every time they were mentioned, I would sigh in displeasure, my heart rate would increase and I would feel lightheaded. After all, in my mind, PE = exercise and exercise = torture!

I was in my element, excuse the pun.

His tricks had raised the temperature of the room considerably, although I was pretty sure his presence alone had that effect.

How could I suddenly go from a person who had struggled to dissect an already dead mouse, to someone who was willing to murder a human being? There was no logic to it!

It his mind, they reminded him of ‘Tweedle Dee’ and ‘Tweedle Dum’, with an extra emphasise placed on the ‘Dum’!

Life is difficult and those who make us laugh are angels.

Wayne Gerard Trotman

One minute he stood transfixed, the next he uttered a crushing oath, and took a hasty stride forward. Mr Ringwood, recovering from his own stupefaction, closed with him, just as George, flushing vividly, sprang to his

Georgette Heyer

Sadly, like many times in life, including winning the lottery, we don’t always get what we wish for.

Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it. I would punch your life in the face.

Brian Lee O'Malley

I'm starting to think you like prisons," "And that you have the worst taste in men.

Victoria Aveyard

Oh poor Octave, no luck at all, as usual," said Madame Rocher, "he is still with his regiment, still only a captain. Of course, if it hadn't been for this wretched war, he would be at least a colonel by now.

There isn’t anything I can tell you that you don’t already know,” Melly answered.“Yes, but if we already know it then you’re not telling us anything new,” Bea said, thinking her way through the carriages of fear on the witch’s train of thought, “and if we don’t tell you what we know and what we don’t know, then you won’t know if you’ve actually told us something we don’t know, and what you don’t know we don’t know won’t hurt you.”Melly stared at Bea, her cigarette hanging from her lip in defeat.“Did that make sense?” Joan asked.“Yes,” Melly said slowly, “but it probably shouldn’t have done.

F.D. Lee

I can always make up my mind better when there's a man around, because I know the thing to do is just the opposite to what he says.

What does she even eat, do you think?""Tea fungus,"Ruth says. "Unsweetened. From an eye dropper. Is what I picture. either that or some sort of sea vegetable.""Sad," I say."It is," Ruth muses.We decide to order two skim milk cappuccinos and split a gluten-free carrot cake cupcake.

Mona Awad

And who among the company at Monseigneur's reception in that seventeen hundred and eightieth year of our Lord, could possibly doubt, that a system rooted in a frizzled hangman, powdered, gold-laced, pumped, and white-silk stockinged, would see the very stars out!

Charles Dickens

Well, now you can see how sensible it is not to start your day by guessing what might happen... After all, how long would I have had to go on guessing before I guessed this?

There are a number of rules that should be observed when one meets royalty, ranging from what one can say and when, to where one should stand, when one can sit, even where one should look. Sindy bobbed a nervous curtsy and, before being introduced, blurted out an invitation to come inside whilst looking John directly in the eye.

F.D. Lee

I m not funny, really m not !!! I just tell people the truth, and then they start laughing and say haha you are funny...but seriously m not!!!

Our family car was the antithesis of designs and desirability. It was like driving Hitler's moustache.

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