Humour Quotes - Page 20

Ascott scrambled for his dive knife, he and waved the four- inch blade between himself and the octopus. The floating sack of tentacles hesitated and then all eight of its arms snapped forward. Curled in the tip of each was a variety of sharpened implements, from swords and dive knives to a fishing spear. The large unblinking eyes seemed to be saying, Your move.

Paul Mannering

It was an interesting night. I’d never been to a non-Jewish wedding, and Phelan assured me that this one was not the norm. The bride and groom got pissed as newts—he ended up passed out, sprawled face down in his own vomit, while she did the cancan on the bridal table, flashing something old, which apparently was nothing new.

Paula Houseman

O Great Swami of the East, your wisdom has pierced the miasma.

Jonathan Kellerman

The house in the story is based on my friend Tori's house in Kinsale, Ireland, which is obviously not actually haunted, and the sound of people upstairs moving wardrobes around when you are downstairs there and alone is probably just something that old houses do when they think they are unobserved.

Neil Gaiman

Back when I was a devout Pharisee, I scowled at those who talked about grace, assuming they wanted both salvation and permission to do whatever they pleased. And when I came to discover grace as a biblical concept, it frightened me at first. The old idea of being saved by works has its benefits. It's a system where God owes you. You've been helping him out with all your good deeds. He can't very well put you through difficulty, since you're a taxpayer. You've paid your dues, you have your rights. But the beyond-belief teaching of grace is that we get what we can never pay for and more, including joy and hope and the desire to please him. I like living by God's grace a lot better than relying on my own efforts.

Phil Callaway

Teaching a man how to clean barnacles from a keel is an amazing useful talent, one any child should be fortunate to learn. Magochiro is our champion barnaclebully at present. String him under a keel, and he will bring back dinner enough for ten.

Michelle Franklin

Old Enochian running on neural wetware is not the fastest procedural language ever invented, and it’s semantics make AppleScript look like a thing of elegance and beauty

Charles Stross

The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is of course as it should be.

Bill Bryson

While the Saint, when it was necessary to play the part, could assume an aspect of proud or unprincipled poverty that would evoke a responsive twang from any normal heartstring, his usual appearance, fortunately or unfortunately, suggested a person who was so far on the other side of having been born with a silver spoon in his mouth that he must have been seriously shocked when he first learned that gold spoons were not standard issue.

Leslie Charteris

She didn't tear him a whole new one for having fucked up the scene by walking all over it so much as she pointed out where, exactly, the new one would be torn if he messed it up again.

Michael G. Williams

To me she said, "It's this stupid gotcha thing, they've been doing it for weeks now. Leaping out at each other and us, scaring the hell out of everyone.""It's a game of wits," Bert said to me."Half-wits," Kristy added.

Sarah Dessen

So no get out of jail free card huh?” Ingra doesn't say a word I hear groaning behind me it's Tria she slowly gets up “How did we get here?!” Tria tries to keep her voice calm

Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Canada is the place where maple syrup is its own food group.

Jenny McWha

No one needs Independence. We all just need tea and air conditioners.

Michelle Franklin

Oh Lass, I’m not going full out R rated for Alex, trust me,” he emphasized and rolled his eyes. “No, no. I’m doing this for you, so you feel luscious, and if it should jolt Raf out of his comfort zone, bonus!

Melanie Bennett

When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied: “I wish no gifts, only presence.

Unknown

Ingra just kept a straight face he hoped Vilenthe was joking. “Anyway.” Ingra tried to bring the topic full circle

Charon Lloyd-Roberts

I was distracted, thinking about what she'd said, until she got to this last part. "Sherman?" I said.She nodded. "That's John and Craig's friend. He's visiting from Shreveport.""Sherman from Shreveport?" I said. "This is the guy you're determined I go out

Sarah Dessen

He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armour shouting 'All the Gods are bastards.

Terry Pratchett

The harder I work, the luckier I become.

Terry Pratchett

There have been times on this trip I’ve been convinced that GPS was wrong.

Chris Robb

There is no more thrilling sensation I know of than sailing. It comes as near to flying as man has got to yet - except in dreams.

Jerome K. Jerome

Five hundred years ago the notoriously savvy Henry VIII discovered an elegant way to solve both his theological problems and his personal liquidity crisis —he dissolved the monasteries and nicked all their land.

Ben Aaronovitch

Basically what Ingra is saying is trust him he knows what to do despite us probably dying soon.” Tria chimed in “Right...” Pantiel replied

Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Most people do not mind dying, as long as that does not happen today.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Immediately after a divorce or a breakup, your mind whispers that there are plenty more fish in the sea, while your heart shouts that there is only one whoever-you-just-divorced-or-broke-up-with.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Many a woman is in a relationship with or married to her man not because she loves him but only because she likes men like him.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I do prefer being alive. Most days.

Ashley Capes

One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Many a woman would not be in a relationship with or married to her man, if he earned half of what he earns; and many a man would not be in a relationship with or married to his woman, if he earned twice as much as he earns.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

Steven Wright

Oh, is that my report, father?' said Mike, with a sort of sickly interest, much as a dog about to be washed might evince in his

P.G. Wodehouse

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Charles H. Duell (1899)

Death is number one on the list of things that we wish were possible to leave behind when we escaped barbarism.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Had a cold hummus with pita bread, Under a delicious food, yellow or red. Might just have the appetite to cook Urgent dinner by hook or crook.So that's just a humus humor spread.

Ana Claudia Antunes

Not everyone who has killed themselves because they were HIV positive would have been killed by AIDS.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Being HIV positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to die before each and every person who is HIV negative.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.

Carl R White

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With my knives.

Sarah J Maas

Dont act like you are walking around with a Tshirt that says "I give Up!" on the front and on the back saying "I never started trying!"People can bring you down, situations happen, YOU can feel like Life is the shittiest thing to deal with. BLAH BLAH BLAH..If you're walking through Hell, keep going! Everyday there's a new challenge. Face it! Deal with it! Move on! To every problem there is a solution or a way around it.. Stop being a sour mongral and think life owes you something..No one will do anything for you these days. Start fighting. Get rid of ALL the shit people in your Life. Grow some balls of steel and work progressively through everything. Step by Step or what ever mad method you have to get you back in line again.Who cares, if people don't like you, BURN that mother of a bridge down. It was never meant to be.. Build New ones! Many roads to cross and new paths on life to Explore..It starts with YOU.. And if people want to judge you, tell them to F/O and look in the mirror. Time for a new game.. It's called "Take over the World" WHOOOP WHOOOP!!

Timothy Padayachee

O woman, father says natural is beautifulso why do you redden your cheeks and blacken your eyes?Why do you remove the hair on your legsand draw them into your brows?Why do you hold your breathlest your stomach showand hold your fartlest they knowthat you’re a human? O woman, father says natural is beautifulso why do you straighten your hairto curl it nextand pretend to orgasm so they think you enjoyed the sex?Why do you dumb yourself downand push your breasts up?Why do you smile when you’re told toand love when you don’t want to?When? When will you stop, woman? Father says natural is beautifulbut that is doubtfulfor what does father knowhe’s only a fellow.

Kamand Kojouri

In the still of the night, when you are serenely falling asleep and an epiphany suddenly hits you. Roll your ass off that bed and start typing because that fleeting moment will never pass by you again...You can sleep when your dead!!!

Racheal Lachman

We human beings regard ourselves as (or compare ourselves to) animals only when it suits us.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If you don’t like your appearance, then change it, but don’t keep doing nothing and then complaining about it, because it’s bo

Sharon Kendrick

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt.

S.K. Tremayne

If Porter crawled into bed with me, I wouldn’t flee the scene right away. I probably wouldn’t even kick him out. I might kick him in the gonads and then rub my cheek against his chest because that’s the kind of girl I am. Beat them and then treat them.

Meghan Quinn

Funny how you never hear novelists or painters say they work in the 'creative industries', but only squalid little advertising people. How could this be? (.....)If you listen to advertisers, you'd think they're the fucking Oracle and that for a fee they'll slip you the Answer. They are obsessed with being seen as 'creative', but what they do seems rather to be 'parasitical' : pinching cultural innovations and using them to persuade people that they want stuff. So there's a dilemma for us all to think 'creatively' about.

Steve Lowe

She looked utterly betrayed, as betrayed as the most betrayed person in Shakespeare.

Miranda July

If we had to earn our age by thinking for ourselves at least once a year, only a handful of people would reach adulthood.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Just follow my lead,’ I said. ‘It’ll be fun.’‘Please,’ Sam begged, ‘don’t let those words be carved on my tombstone.

Rick Riordan

Busty’ Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.

Spike Milligan

Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as beautiful as she is).

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people live a nothing life: the most important thing they ever do is die. Thank God for eccentrics! Take Gunner Octavian Neat. He would suddenly appear naked in a barrack room and say, “Does anybody know a good tailor?”, or “Gentlemen – I think there’s a thief in the battery.” He was the bane of the Regiment.

Spike Milligan

Your relationship or marriage is dead or dying, if you almost always have to remind your partner to miss you (and/or they almost always have to remind you to miss them).

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The answer to the question ‘How many children do you have?’ and the one to the question ‘How many children are you raising?’ are not identical in all cases: some men are not taking care of their own children, some are knowingly or unknowingly raising other men’s children, and some do not even know that they each have a child, another child, or other children.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

...Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.

Spike Milligan

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Humour Quotes - Page 20

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