Humour Quotes - Page 19

Mary, we met in a pub. As you weren’t banging a tambourine, I understand you weren’t selling the word of God.

I saved a man's life once,' said Granny. 'Special medicine, twice a day. Boiled water with a bit of berry juice in it. Told him I'd bought it from the dwarves. That's the biggest part of doct'rin, really. Most people'll get over things if they put their minds to it, you just have to give them an interest.'She patted Esk's hand as nicely as possible. 'You're a bit young for this,' she said, 'but as you grow older you'll find most people don't set foot outside their own heads much.

Terry Pratchett

It's hard to sleep when you have thirty two million quids worth of stolen jewellery hidden under the mattress.

Peter Houston

I have a face for radio and a voice for writing.

Grant McLachlan

If it’s taking to long to get up the career ladder, get a career lift.

Benny Bellamacina

Ouch! What are you doing, Karl, you broke my skull!

Marjane Satrapi

I truly believed that a man should not be seen to be out front on feminism. That would be just like a man to try to take over the women's movement. We'd taken over everything else in history, in society, in the world, why not feminism, too? No, I don't think so.

Terry Fallis

Number 1 is perhaps not the ideal. It is there for the one behind, the number 2. Mr 2 would learn a whole lot more being who he is than ever being Mr 1. Perhaps there is more to the phrase ‪#‎OddOneOut‬.

Nikhil Sharda

Mom Voice - A mother's vocal range when even the neighbours will clean their rooms and eat their veggies.

Olive Hunter

Spike: Bloody hell, woman, you're cutting off my circulation!Buffy: You don't have any circulation.Spike: Well, it pinches

Joss Whedon

Sit Down - What to do if a parent wants to get their child's attention.

Olive Hunter

Love is like chickenpox. It's much worse when it comes late.

Neel Burton

I leave the outdoors to you. It is too warm out there to read comfortable, and summer, like many uncomfortable things, is as welcome as a dim woman. It is tolerable to look at, but after being made to interact with it, nobody wants anything to do with it.

Michelle Franklin

After Rep. Martin Sweeney of Ohio delivered a scathing attack on the Roosevelt administration for allegedly using conscription as a way to get the United States into the war, Rep. Beverly Vincent of Kentucky, who was next to Sweeney, loudly muttered that he refused “to sit by a traitor.” Sweeney swung at Vincent, who responded with a sharp right to the jaw that sent Sweeney staggering. It was, said the House doorkeeper, the best punch thrown by a member of Congress in fifty years.

Lynne Olson

You're prettier than I imagined you", Raphael said. "Uh... thank you," I said. "But I don't really...""Wait,wait, I've got one," he interrupted. "Somebody better call God. Because Heaven's missing an angel!

Alexandra Adornetto

But how do we know it's working properly?''The green light is on.' said Jack.

Anna Moore

If You Get Accidentally Locked, In the loo - Would you ‪#‎KnockYourSelfOut‬?

Nikhil Sharda

We were full of righteous anger and dreams of vengeance when we got here, and a couple of blowjobs and hangovers later it's like nothing ever happened

James S.A. Corey

Believe me, Dirk; I've been in this game a long time and I know what I'm talking about. I've seen it all; wife swapping during a coach tour of Norfolk churches, orgies at a pensioners' whist drive in Somerset; a mystery weekend where the real mystery turned out to be, what was Mr Preston doing hanging upside down in the wardrobe with an apple in his mouth.

Stuart Bone

He was the kind of teacher every child hated, and they suspected most of the staff did not like him too.

Jay Haughton

The the glow become brighter: a holographic golden sickle with a few sheaves of wheat, rotating just above Meg McCaffrey.A boy in the crowd gasped. 'She's a communist!'A girl who'd been sitting at Cabin Four's table gave him a disgusted sneer. 'No, Damien, that's my mom's symbol.

Rick Riordan

What do you mean Ronan's a magical entity? Is he a demon? Because this all makes sense if so.

Maggie Stiefvater

Kaz reached into his coat pocket. "Here," he said and handed Jesper a slender book with an elaborate cover."Are we going to read to each other?""Just flip it open to the back."Jesper opened the book and peered at the last page, puzzled. "So?""Hold it up so we don't have to look at your ugly face.""My face has character. Besides - oh!""An excellent read, isn't it?""Who knew I had a taste for literature?

Leigh Bardugo

Nobody ever drowned in their own sweat.

Veronica Rossi

4:15. Not 4 not 4:30 but 4:15. She thought to intimidate me with the use of quarter hours.

Muriel Spark

Maybe the one real advantage to getting older is that you have the time to pull your head a little bit farther out of your ass.

Scott Lynch

You—“ Mr Bellstrode began, and then leaning forward and sinking his voice, “You would kill for money?”“Is there any other reason to? Well, I suppose there is revenge, but that, you know, never makes one feel as well as it should when it is all said and done. Money is a much better reward than retribution. Something substantial by way of compensation for emotional wrongs is much the best cure for an injured spirit. I do provide fatal retaliation for nothing when it is deserved, but as you are neither a poor helpless wretch nor the victim of national injustice, full payment is expected.

Michelle Franklin

Good isn't obsessed to win ButBad is destined to lose

Hemdiva Dev

There was a steady throng of people in the market square now and a distinct buzz in the air with the sound of excited chatter alongside the clamour of heels on cobbles and the raised voices of the stallholders advertising their wares. Upon entering we bumped straight into Josie."All on your own?" Angela asked her."I've left Sooz looking round the antiques shops," Josie said, "I went in the first one with her but that was enough for me. I'm not into knick-knacks like she is. I much prefer a good book.""Something classical," I suggested."Oh yes, definitely," Josie replied, "I love the classics. I did have a look at the ones on sale in the shop.""But nothing took your fancy?""Not really. I was fingering 'Howard's End' for a while.""I bet that brought the colour back to his cheeks," I told her, "We'll see you at the coach later on."I grabbed Angela's arm and we walked off before Josie could ask what I meant.

Stuart Bone

I'm a post-menopausal woman who's lived in a man's world for twenty years. A more cynical, cruel creature it's hard to find.

Mo Hayder

I always pick a gorgeous time to fall over a suitcase or something.

J.D. Salinger

My mum always said you get more fun at a Glasgow stabbing than an Edinburgh wedding.

Caro Ramsay

Drelmere and sons, fine outfitters for the discerning magician!” he was shouting, his voice barely carrying over the hubbub. “Robes! Pointy hats! Beard grooming supplies! Yes, you sir, how can OH GOD HURRAAARRGLAB.”I waited patiently for him to finish decorating the pavement with his stomach contents. “Sorry,” he said, bent double and gulping. Impressively, he immediately continued his sales pitch from that position. “Looking for a new robe?”“Yes, this one’s starting to whiff a bit.”“Yes, I . . . gathered that, sir.” He took a few deep, groaning breaths into a star-patterned hanky and seemed to gather himself.“What sort of price range were you OH GOD YOUR EYES HURRAAARRGLAB.”I tapped my now bile-sodden foot. “Shall I come back later?

Yahtzee Croshaw

There is so much ignorant prejudice against bees in a dining-room.

Patrick O'Brian

No. I just like dabbing girls' faces with napkins. It's a fetish of mine. Don't worry - my shrink says it's harmless.

Zoe Sugg

You are a mousetrap of a friend, all soft cheese and hard springs

Chris Cleave

Miss Climpson," said Lord Peter, "is a manifestation of the wasteful way in which this country is run. Look at electricity, Look at water-power. Look at the tides. Look at the sun. Millions of power units being given off into space every minute. Thousands of old maids, simply bursting with useful energy, forced by our stupid social system into hydros and hotels and communities and hostels and posts as companions, where their magnificent gossip-powers and units of inquisitiveness are allowed to dissipate themselves or even become harmful to the community, while the ratepayers' money is spent on getting work for which these women are providentially fitted, inefficiently carried out by ill-equipped policemen like you.

Dorothy L. Sayers

What can I say? I'm Irish, I love a good potato.

Sophia Tallon

I have a bad habit of wolfing down things that catch my eye.

Katze Snow

It's not my fault, that I'm flat chested and a midget!

Cassandra Clare

Child, if such folks awe you, then picture them on the lavatory, straining, constipated. They will at once seem small, pathetic, manageable." And she whispered to me a great, universal truth: "THE BOWELS ARE GREAT LEVELLERS.

Angela Carter

State your HURRAAARRGLAB,” went the monarch.“Mr. Wonderful,” said the advisor, daintily wiping the king’s mouth with a hanky. “What do we keep telling you about your interrogation methods? The information’s never reliable and it really hurts our image.”“It’s all right,” I sighed. “This is my actual face.

Yahtzee Croshaw

I don't talk ill about people I don't know," said Bartleby. "I only disparage them in silence and hope they die.

Michelle Franklin

Candide, who trembled like a philosopher, hid himself as well as he could during this heroic butchery.

Voltaire

Well! marriage is like death, it comes to all.

Robert Louis Stevenson

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Jack Handy

US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army.

Mary Roach

Making God a man is the consolation prize that our forefathers gave themselves for not being the ones who were each blessed with a vagina.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some of the people we feel sorry for feel sorry for us for thinking that they are the ones who should be felt sorry for.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Roger was like the Edgar Allen Poe of stupid people. He'd been making movies about women who were dead or dying, who didn't have much to say, for as long as his stringy hair had been ponytailed into a cliché.

Alison Umminger

Sometimes when a father has an ugly, loutish son, the love he bears him so blindfolds his eyes that he does not see his defects, or, rather, takes them for gifts and charms of mind and body, and talks of them to his friends as wit and grace. I, however—for though I pass for the father, I am but the stepfather to "Don Quixote"—have no desire to go with the current of custom, or to implore thee, dearest reader, almost with tears in my eyes, as others do, to pardon or excuse the defects thou wilt perceive in this child of mine. Thou art neither its kinsman nor its friend, thy soul is thine own and thy will as free as any man's, whate'er he be, thou art in thine own house and master of it as much as the king of his taxes and thou knowest the common saying, "Under my cloak I kill the king;" all which exempts and frees thee from every consideration and obligation, and thou canst say what thou wilt of the story without fear of being abused for any ill or rewarded for any good thou mayest say of it.

Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

Instead of being regarded as intelligent or knowledgeable, many a woman would rather be regarded as beautiful or good in the kitchen; many a man, as handsome or good in bed.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

What did I hope to gain from my game and from putting my parents through all this? The truth is that I loved to play. My body was fit and my mind raring to go. But I also hoped that I would get a government job through the sports quota.

M.C. Mary Kom

To take away a man’s sanity, answer all his prayers and solve all his problems. Or give him everything and everyone he wants.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It is as difficult for most poor people to truly believe that they could someday escape poverty as it is for most wealthy people to truly believe that their wealth could someday escape them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If there were something that Mother Nature or God could do with money, She or He would have sold immortality to the rich a long time ago.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Poverty does not always prevent a rich person from dating someone who is poor, unless the man is the one who is poor.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Back in the day, it was either both a mother and her daughter had pubic hair, or the daughter didn’t. Today, in many a case, the mother is the one who doesn’t.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It is in the best interest of the rich to preserve poverty.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people will each start investing more of their salary on ‘their’ house and spending less of it on ‘their’ car or cars only when they start being able to take ‘their’ house to work, funerals, weddings, etc.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

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Humour Quotes - Page 19

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