Humour Quotes - Page 18

A sword needs a sheath, heh, and a wedding needs a bedding.

George R.R. Martin

Right, times up,” Annie declared as she not so graciously stood from the table. “On to Hot Steppers, where naked men are waiting to grind upon thy lap. Come along my trusty wenches!

Lailah Gifty Akita

I wish you all the best in life. Hell, I will even write your obituary for free.

Fakeer Ishavardas

When life gives you lemons ask it for sugar and water too. Otherwise your final product would be some acidic lemon juice!

priyavrat gupta

Some people respect some people only because some people respect them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Did god make man too perfect,So that a piece has to be removedthrough circumcision?

So I needed to be womanised. I was losing my sheen.

She wore a lot of gray-green corduroy. She had been under the impression that it brought out her eyes, those shy stars.

The turkeys I eat are raised on farms. They're different. They've signed on the dotted line.

Bucks, doe — thank God everything boils down to money, I always say.""During mating season the doe constructs a bed for herself, and then she urinates all around the outside of it. That's how she gets her mate.""So that's it," murmured Odette. "I was always peeing in the bed.

Life is a windowless room in the Hotel Bellevue.

Honestly, if you're looking for love and you're not too choosy, hang around a hardware store fingering screws.

Yes. She’s correct. We’re not friends. We are lufenes actually. But she’s had an overdose of magic, which has seemingly rendered her empathetically impotent.

Jessica O'Toole

Exceed expectations" is such a lispy term. I hope that it never infiltrates the bedroom or sport.

Grant McLachlan

How was your afternoon?"“No one died, so it was a big improvement on my morning.

Don’t know if it’s good or bad that a Google search on “Big Bang Theory” lists the sitcom before the origin of the Universe

Neil deGrasse Tyson

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me that I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells.

Charlie Brooker

Once upon a time,there was a Zen signat every small railway crossing in AmericaStop. Look. And listen.

I don't have a thing," Tengo said, "except my soul.""Sounds like a job for Mephistopheles," she said.

Haruki Murakami

People who say you can't do something should be ignored. They're probably talking to themselves.

You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.

And then this happened. And then this other thing happened. Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you about the time this happened. I should've had this book over for a cup of coffee and a chat.

On the other hand, she was disproportionately indulgent towards the failings of men, and was often heard to say that these were natural.

It is much harder than you might think to show people your bottom.

So I'm cruising down the road and the object of my thoughts is racing down the street, screaming that her father is a cop. A public servant, very flattering" " I like a man in uniform" He laughed. 'Do you like pizza?' 'What a ridiculous question. I suppose you're going to ask me if I like pasta next?

Melina Marchetta

Her hair was matted to her head, glistening dark red, like wine through a murky bottle. Her torn shirt hung loose, a breast carelessly exposed, and her breeches were taut against the lean muscles of her legs. She treaded through the waves, never swaying in the current, until she stood before him, face concealed in shadow. “You swim faster with one arm than I with two,” she said.Nathan laughed. “You frightened me.

Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe...Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks.

Let me put it more artistically, with greater sophistication:They left us in the toilet. In the deepest pile of shit. And we're coated in the crappy residue of their desicions. But that does not mean we are the one who pooped, Moritz. And neither are we the poop.Never think that. We're not the poop.

You ask me why I write. You might as well ask me why I breathe. I need oxygen to feed my body and ink to feed my soul.

I’m subject to occasional theological nightmares. The one that leaves me in a cold sweat every time is, I arrive at the pearly gates and the first thing I’m asked is where I went to college.

To steel yourself against mangoes showed a degree of iciness that was almost inhuman.

Ah, if only we were born roaring with laughter and took that emotional template through life with us! Whoever's in charge seriously messed up somewhere. I can only hope that right now, that selfsame Whoever is wryly relating their cock-up to some celestial colleague, who responds: 'Hey, you should put that in a book. LOL!

Soroya:“Where are we going? I need to know what to wear.”Graham: “Wear whatever you’re wearing right now.”I looked down. Soraya: “A hot pink lace bra and G-string? Where are you taking me, a strip club?

vi kieland penelope ward

Of all funny things, truth is the funniest.

Zilpah had little use for men, whom she described as hairy, crude, and half human. Women needed men to make babies and to move heavy objects, but otherwise she didn't understand their purpose, much less appreciate their charms.

Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drown in a book. Whatever works.

it seems politicians projected the powerful brand called Ambedkar, rather than his ideologies. Like the ad says 'name is enough.

If you were given the chance to be reborn after your death, buy you could only come back as a squirrel, would you complain?

Peter James West

They were Siamese twins, joined at the groin by a traitorous piece of meat.

Nancy A. Collins

And she gave him a melting smile, the glutinous sweetness of which he devoured with the avidity of a diabetic who swallows a fatal spoonful of jam.

My cock has been hiding since the day she arrived," Bjarni had said, but only when he was sure she was out of earshot, which was a full day after she left. "You worry for nothing brother," Bjorn had said, "for even a seiðr-wife (witch) cannot put a spell on something she can't see. It would be like trying to hit a louse with a spear-throw.

Consider the simple hedgehog, and his neighbor, the opossum...do they waste their energy trying to throw one another into chasms when they face a common enemy, the winter? No!

Turning things over and over in isolation had led me to a certain point, but I knew that to get any further I'd have to voice some ideas aloud, just to see how they sounded. But I certainly didn't go to Ellie expecting any kind of constructive input on her part. It was more that I'd hit a wall and needed someone to talk around the subject with - like when you come up against a problem that's just immune to normal logic.

The main causes for divorceare marriages.

On the sixth day god created man,on the seventh day man created god.Now we are even.

Bad habits have brought me this far: why change such a tried-and-true formula?

Christopher Hitchens

What a shabby lot of highbrows have turned out tonight," he said, when he saw us. "It makes me ashamed to be one.

Seuls les poissons morts suivent le courant' - Only dead fish follow the current

I have never met a politician who has exceeded my low expectations of them.

Grant McLachlan

What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

Ana Claudia Antunes

But then he put aside the awkward encounter, which his mind allowed him to do quite easily. He could compartmentalize at an astonishing level. It came from not giving a shit.

Right,” Thatcher said, “let’s have a look at her.”Katherine hesitated. The kitten was fast asleep in her arms and she was afraid to wake her. “Something amiss?” Thatcher asked.Katherine giggled at her capricious emotions and shoved the kitten into the surgeon’s arms. The animal woke up as Thatcher examined it. He set the kitten on the deck and watched as she wobbled around on clumsy paws. “Yes,” Thatcher nodded conclusively. “This is indeed a cat.

What’s gotten into you?” he wondered, blinking in sudden frustration.“Not you, that’s for a certainty.

Failure is something you experience on your way to success - unless you're a skydiver.

Peter James West

From the beginning, when something was wrong I've been saying: 'Dilly-ding, dilly-dong, wake up, wake up!' So on Christmas Day I bought for all the players and all the staff a little bell. It was just a joke.

Claudio Ranieri

No one has the ability to laugh at their misfortunes like the women of the East End.

You will try to improve me, Captain, but I tell you it cannot be done. I am resigned to moral apathy and corporeal decrepitude, and have done with projections. No, Captain,” with a pining sigh, “I think I will simply sit in the shade and wait for either a customer or death, the latter I might prefer, at such a point.

Michelle Franklin

The prerequisite for a banker is Strait As and no talent.

Grant McLachlan

Not one of the boys like me. I’ve put their noses out of joint.”“Well, they were never good-looking lads.

Luggs

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