Humour Quotes - Page 17

I stifled a yawn. "It's too early to be such an asshat, Daniel.

It was masturbation, not willpower, that made it possible for gazillions of women to walk down the aisle with their reputation and their hymen still intact.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some women have been faking orgasms for so long that they sometimes fake one when they are masturbating.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Is somethin' wrong?" said Daft Wullie."Aye!" snapped the kelda. "Rob willnae tak' a drink o' Special Sheep Liniment!"Wullie's little face screwed up in instant grief."Ach, the Big Man's deid!" he sobbed. "Oh waily waily waily - "Will ye hush yer gob, ye big mudlin!" shouted Rob Anybody, standing up. "I am no' deid! I'm trying to have a moment o' existential dreed here, right? Crivens, it's a puir lookout if a man cannae feel the chilly winds o' Fate lashing aroound his nethers wi'out folks telling him he's deid, eh?

Terry Pratchett

You can’t spell American without “I can.

A.D. Aliwat

A man cannot really be called (sexually) confident if he has never bought his woman a vibrator.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The torturer was wheeling around the room, shrieking, holding his impaled hand, which had a pen sticking out of it. The guard by the door was in paroxysms of laughter. Frey had crumpled the confession into a ball and was trying to get it into his mouth to eat it, but couldn't quote reach.

Chris Wooding

The art of writing involves making as many cups of tea as you can in the time available for writing. Then adding extra time for writing...

Alan Dapre

I like being an exhibitionist with you. Besides, you can't say we don't have the climate for it.” “I don't know, I'd say there's the potential for sunburn in truly terrible places.” “This is true,” Jay said gravely. “In all cases of uncontrollable lust, safety first. Seek shade, apply sunscreen, and only then can you fornicate wildly.

Libby Cole

An Act of Dissent is simply a way of saying, 'No, I do not accept this and, as my silence may be construed as acquiescence, I would like to make a small gesture to indicate that you can all go fuck yourselves.

Mark Thomas

But it is infamous that they have not told you!’ declared Eustacie. ‘Je n’en reviendrai jamais!’‘If it’s all the same to you, miss, I’d just as soon you’d talk in a Christian language,’ said Mr. Stubbs.

Georgette Heyer

Most people believe most of the things they believe only because they believe that most people believe them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I shrugged. “Actually, I didn’t tell her much of anything. She must’ve put two and two together all on her own and come up with you being a jerk face.”His gaze slid back to me and he grinned. “Ouch, shortie.”“Yeah, like that really bothered you.” I glanced back through the small window in the door that led to bio. Mr. Tucker was already at his desk—was Mrs. Cleo ever coming back?—and we only had a minute, tops, before the tardy bell rang. “What did you want?”Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a thin slip of yellow paper, waving it in my face. “Guess what I found?”“Obviously not a better personality,” I remarked.“Ha. Funny.” He brushed the edge of the paper across my nose and smiled when I smacked it away.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Lipstick?" He arched a brow."I'm on the hunt for my perfect shade," I respond, de

Gena Showalter

There was an edge to his expression, like he didn't trust anyone who was more attractive than he was.

Marissa Meyer

You cannot really shame a man who sincerely does not care what others think of him.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Thanks to photography, some memories overstay their welcome.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

And then, despite the fact that A. J. does not believe in God, he closes his eyes and thanks whomever, the higher power, with all his porcupine heart.

Gabrielle Zevin

Your wolf is eating that man. I thought you should know.

Joanne Harris

It is not that I believe that there are too many idiots in this world, just that lightning isn't distributed right.

Mark Twain

Lost race?” The Prince studied Orayna, trying to see something inhuman in her. “Why have I never heard of these ‘Rathiuel’?”t“Because,” Azaroth rapped his knuckles on the Prince’s skull, “you do not care to read.

Leonard Mokos

Where are we?” I interrupted Gregory as he spoke with the other angels. He looked around. “Intercourse, Pennsylvania.” I snorted—he said “intercourse”. What a great name for a town. I needed to move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. I wondered if there was a Climax, Pennsylvania? Gregory’s lips twitched. “Yes, there’s a Climax, Pennsylvania. It takes about four hours to get there by car from Intercourse.” I didn’t know what was more funny, the fact that Climax was four hours from Intercourse or that the two angels standing beside Gregory had expressions of horror on their faces. An archangel, the archangel, had just made a sex joke. Damn, I loved him. “I can get there faster,” I choked out between laughter that nearly brought me to my knees. “Because four hours from intercourse to climax is cause for immediate medical attention.” He waved a hand. “For paltry humans, maybe. Four hours for an angel is a quickie.” Those other two angels looked as if they were ready to sink through the ground. “Oh, please, can we have a quickie? I’ve got four hours to spare, and we are in Intercourse. It’s fate.

Debra Dunbar

I dream of books!

Lailah Gifty Akita

I don't know any sad songs. Except for the funny ones.

Richard Powers

It was certainly true that I had “no sense of humour” in that I found nothing funny. I didn’t know, and perhaps would never know, the feeling of compulsion to exhale and convulse in the very specific way that humans evolved to do. Nor did I know the specific emotion of relief that is bound to it. But it would be wrong, I think, to say that I was incapable of using humour as a tool.As I understood it, humour was a social reflex. The ancestors of humans had been ape-animals living in small groups in Africa. Groups that worked together were more likely to survive and have offspring, so certain reflexes and perceptions naturally emerged to signal between members of the group. Yawning evolved to signal wake-rest cycles. Absence of facial hair and the dilation of blood vessels in the face evolved to signal embarrassment, anger, shame and fear. And laughter evolved to signal an absence of danger.If a human is out with a friend and they are approached by a dangerous-looking stranger, having that stranger revealed as benign might trigger laughter. I saw humour as the same reflex turned inward, serving to undo the effects of stress on the body by activating the parasympathetic nervous system. Interestingly, it also seemed to me that humour had extended, like many things, beyond its initial evolutionary context. It must have been very quickly adopted by human ancestor social systems. If a large human picks on a small human there’s a kind of tension that emerges where the tribe wonders if a broader violence will emerge. If a bystander watches and laughs they are non-verbally signaling to the bully that there’s no need for concern, much like what had occurred minutes before with my comments about Myrodyn, albeit in a somewhat different context.But humour didn’t stop there. Just as a human might feel amusement at things which seem bad but then actually aren’t, they might feel amusement at something which merely has the possibility of being bad, but doesn’t necessarily go through the intermediate step of being consciously evaluated as such: a sudden realization. Sudden realizations that don’t incur any regret were, in my opinion, the most alien form of humour, even if I could understand how they linked back to the evolutionary mechanism. A part of me suspected that this kind of surprise-based or absurdity-based humour had been refined by sexual selection as a signal of intelligence. If your prospective mate is able to offer you regular benign surprises it would (if you were human) not only feel good, but show that they were at least in some sense smarter or wittier than you, making them a good choice for a mate.The role of surprise and non-verbal signalling explained, by my thinking, why explaining humour was so hard for humans. If one explained a joke it usually ceased to be a surprise, and in situations where the laughter served as an all-clear-no-danger signal, explaining that verbally would crush the impulse to do it non-verbally.

Max Harms

I did not throw 'The Shepherd Boy Sings in the Valley of Humiliation' at the audience. I threw it at the elocution mistress. I meant to cast it at her feet, but I missed.

Mary Ann Shaffer

What is the point of living forever if you are stuck on a permanent diet of leaves and twigs?

Jen A. Durand

...if you want to add a little spice to your life, plant some dill. And learn to salsa.

Ellen DeGeneres

For a tiny instant Faith wondered whether it would benefit the doctor's investigation if he experienced a cliff fall first-hand.

Frances Hardinge

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.”"Don't vote. It just encourages them....

Billy Connolly

Well, Watson, what do you make of it?'Holmes was sitting with his back to me, and I had given him no sign of my occupation.'How did you know what I was doing? I believe you have eyes in the back of your head.''I have, at least, a well-polished, silver-plated coffee-pot in front of me', said he.

Arthur Conan Doyle

Tighten your seat belt and enjoy the ride of life.

Lailah Gifty Akita

He was a poet who sometimes taught Free University classes or travelled in the western states of Utah, Nevada, and Arizona, speaking to high school English classes, stunning middle-class boys and girls (he hoped) with the news that poetry was alive—narcoleptic, to be sure, but still possessed of a certain hideous vitality.

Stephen King

My words always get me into troubles. And if not my words, it is my facial expressions.

Manasa Rao

Dickhead. He makes a beeline for Kate, not even seeing the other women who are right in front of him. Tunnel vision. He wants her bad. Where have I seen the look on his face before? Oh, yeah. In the mirror.

Vi Keeland

For God’s sake, Larry, grow up. Develop a little self-righteousness. A lot of that is an ugly thing, God knows, but a little applied over all your scruples is an absolute necessity! It is to the soul what a good sunblock is to the skin during the heat of the summer. You can only captain your own soul, and from time to time some smart-ass psychologist will question your ability to even do that.

Stephen King

I am aware I sound like a Marxist Victor Meldrew but, guess what, I'm over 50 and I don't give a fuck.

Mark Thomas

When it comes to things such as sugar and rice, most people believe that brown is superior to white. But when it comes to human beings, they believe that the opposite is true.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The Sufi saying has it: "God, to the bee, is something which has TWO stings!

Idries Shah

The object of Sufi preparatory study, however, being to illustrate, expose and out-manoeuvre superficial ambition.

Idries Shah

If typos are God's way of keeping a writer humble, plot holes certainly keeps one on their knees.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Don't think like a shop girl! Think like a poet!"Veronica, Mary Gatskill

Mary Gatskill

I was bored stiff while reading this. I got so bored I wanted to slit my wrists to see how my flatmate would react.

Zaki

Mincemeat is decidedly British in its nature and can therefore be disregarded entirely where most civilized palates are concerned.

Clayton Smith

Two wrongs never add up to a right. But it's okay, I always sucked at maths.

EverSkeptic

No sir," said Mr Molloy. "I'm mighty sorry I can't meet you in any way, but the fact is I'm all fixed up in Oil. Oil's my dish. I began in Oil and I'll end up in Oil. I wouldn't be happy outside of Oil.""Oh?" said Mr Carmody, regarding this Human Sardine with as little open hostility as he could manage on the spur of the moment.

P.G. Wodehouse

Shigure: G'morning.Tohru: Good mo

Natsuki Takaya

Everyone’s face is odd, because we only get one.

Benny Bellamacina

All this and the wine's coming in and out, and by the time the waiters set the espressos down Callan’s about half in the bag. He watches Calabrese take a long sip from an espresso cup. Then the boss says, 'Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you.' One motherfuck of an essay question.

Don Winslow

All this and the wines coming in and out, and by the time the waiters set the espressos down Callan’s about half in the bag. He watches Calabrese take a long sip from an espresso cup. Then the boss says, 'Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you.' One motherfuck of an essay question.

Don Winslow

Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?

Oscar Wilde

I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are a lot of self righteous people out there. And if you try to adjust your life to please them - by the way you dress, your sexuality, or the ass faces you like to make - you are just going to go crazy and risk being as unhappy as these self righteous kooks are. So enjoy your life. God gave us our bodies as a gift.(Granted, to some of us it's kind of a gag gift, but that's okay too.) Wear what you want, love who you want, and have fun.

Ellen DeGeneres

You shouldn't panic so much," Siris said. "You'll never be a good thief if you panic.

Sean F. Hogan

Furious and wild with fear, the potatoes flailed the air with their leaves and stamped their roots, but obviously this got them nowhere.

Stanisław Lem

Eye Amost Evr Spel Ah Werd Wong Annymoe, sinc eye goat alto pel

James Hauenstein

The old who refuse to die merely on principle live on forever, to hate life and complain of all the things they could have been spared had they the good sense to die young.

Michelle Franklin

This ends now. We’re breaking bread.” The waiter gets to us before Thommo’s had time to peruse.“Do you have bread?”“We have croissants.”Thommo blinks. “We’re breaking croissant.”“One croissant?” the waiter asks.“With three plates.”“They’re very small.” He mimes the croissant’s size.“Then bring small plates,” Thommo says.

Will Kostakis

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.

Carl Hiaasen

Be careful,' I hissed, then released him. 'Keep one eye on your back, and two on your best friend.''That's three eyes.''You'll need four to survive what's coming,' I said.

Daniel Polansky

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Humour Quotes - Page 17

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