Humour Quotes - Page 16

Most sexually adventurous women want a man who regards cunnilingus as a basic woman right.

Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies.

Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.

Lois Greiman

Trunk took a chocolate bar out an inside pocket, ripped the paper and spat it, stuck the end of the bar in his mouth, bit off a huge chunk. He chewed, cheeks bulging, then took out a small silver hip flask, tipped it and drank long. "Hell's that?"Trunk chewed fast, said, "Toblerone, vodka chaser.""Jesus," said Christ.

King Coultas

She [88yo Mrs Fitzgerald] crossed herself and patted my arm. "And you're after coming all the way from England to find out who done it? Aren't you great? God bless you, young fella." "The old heretic," I said, when we got outside. Mrs. Fitzgerald had cheered up my day immensely. "I hope I have that much zip when I'm eighty-eight

Tana French

At first, Maisie had been glad to work with a female crewmember. So much the better to fend off the sneers, leers, and veiled derision of her male majority shipmates. But now she knew better. Karen was here to make neither friends nor feminist stands. She was here to ruin Maisie’s career!

Mads Sukalikar

There's a limit beyond which one cannot progress. The differences between the limiting abilities of those on successively higher steps of the pyramid are enormous. I have not seen described anywhere the shock a talented man experiences when he finds, late in his academic life, that there are others enormously more talented than he. I have personally seen more tears shed by grown men and women over this discovery than I would have believed possible.

Luis W. Alvarez

No". Tyrion's voice was hoarse. "Sansa is no longer yours to torment. Understand that, monster." Joffrey sneered. "You're the monster, Uncle" "Am I?" Tyrion cocked his head. "Perhaps you should speak more softly to me, then. Monsters are dangerous beasts, and just now kinds seem to be dying like flies.

George R.R. Martin

And at that moment the alligators burst into the room.

Genevieve Cogman

Halt glared at his friend as the whistling continued.'I had hoped that your new sense of responsibly would put an end to that painful shrieking noise you make between your lips' he said.Crowley smiled. It was a beautiful day and he was feeling at peace with the world. And that meant he was more than ready to tease Halt 'It's a jaunty song''What's jaunty about it?' Halt asked, grim faced. Crowley made an uncertain gesture as he sought for an answer to that question.'I suppose it's the subject matter' he said eventually. 'It's a very cheerful song. Would you like me to sing it for you?''N-' Halt began but he was too late, as Crowley began to sing. He had a pleasant tenor voice, in fact, and his rendering of the song was quite good. But to Halt it was as attractive as a rusty barn door squeaking.'A blacksmith from Palladio, he met a lovely lady-o''Whoa! Whoa!' Halt said 'He met a lovely lady-o?' Halt repeated sarcastically 'What in the name of all that's holy is a lady-o?''It's a lady' Crowley told him patiently.'Then why not sing 'he met a lovely lady'?' Halt wanted to know.Crowley frowned as if the answer was blatantly obvious."Because he's from Palladio, as the song says. It's a city on the continent, in the southern part of Toscana.''And people there have lady-o's, instead of ladies?' Asked Halt'No. They have ladies, like everyone else. But 'lady' doesn't rhyme with Palladio, does it? I could hardly sing, 'A blacksmith from Palladio, he met his lovely lady', could I?''It would make more sense if you did' Halt insisted 'But it wouldn't rhyme' Crowley told him.'Would that be so bad?''Yes! A song has to rhyme or it isn't a proper song. It has to be lady-o. It's called poetic license.''It's poetic license to make up a word that doesn't exist and which, by the way, sound extremely silly?' Halt asked.Crowley shook his head 'No. It's poetic license to make sure that the two lines rhyme with each other'Halt thought for a few seconds, his eyes knitted close together. Then inspiration struck him.'Well then couldn't you sing 'A blacksmith from Palladio, he met a lovely lady, so...'?''So what?' Crowley challengedHalt made and uncertain gesture with his hands as he sought more inspiration. Then he replied. 'He met a lovely lady, so...he asked her for her hand and gave her a leg of lamb.''A leg of lamb? Why would she want a leg of lamb?' Crowley demanded Halt shrugged 'Maybe she was hungry

John Flanagan

His rapier was at his belt, glittering as he swung. He reached down, ripped the sword clear. I jumped over a slashing frond of plasm, spun round with the water bottle in my hand. I hurled it across to Lockwood. George threw his rapier to me.Watch this now. Sword and bottle, sailing through the air, twin trajectories, arching beautifully through the mass of swirling tendrils towards Lockwood and me. Lockwood held out his hand. I held out mine.Remember I said there was that moment of sweet precision when we gelled perfectly as a team?Yeah, well. This wasn't it.The rapier shot past, missing me by miles. It skidded halfway across the floor. The bottle struck Lockwood plumb in the centre of his forehead, knocking him through the window.There was a moment's pause.'Is he dead?' the skulls voice said 'Yay! Oh. No, he's hanging onto the shutters. Shame. Still, this is defiantly the funniest thing I've ever seen. You three really are incompetence on a stick

Jonathan Stroud

After all, there was something rather pleasant in knowing that you were misunderstood. It made you feel different from everyone else.

Henry Handel Richardson

Okay, so how does this work exactly?" I ask as we walk toward his car. "Do we float down the bayou in rowboat while little critters sing 'Kiss the Girl'.

Colleen Hoover

Looking at a king's mouth, ' said an old man, 'one would think he never sucked at his mother's breast.

Chinua Achebe

Bang. You’re dead.’Gamache swung around, but had recognised the voice an instant after he’d begun to turn.‘You’re a sneak, Jean Guy. I’m going to have to put a cow bell on you.’‘Not again.’ It wasn’t often he could get the drop on the chief. But Beauvoir had begun to worry. Suppose he snuck up on Gamache sometime and he had a heart attack? It would certainly take the fun out of it.

Louise Penny

The real purpose of the opposition is to minimize the amount of money the ruling party will have stolen from the people at the end of its term.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

So what are you thinking?" I asked. I meant about the case, obviously, but Cassie was in a giddy mood--she generates more energy than most people, and she'd been sitting indoors most of the day. "Will you listen to him? A woman asking a guy what he's thinking is the ultimate crime, she's clingy and needy and he runs a mile, but when it's the other--" "Behave yourself," I said, pulling her hood over her face. "Help! I'm being oppressed!" she yelled through it. "Call the Equality Commission." The stroller girl gave us a sour look. "You're overexcited," I told Cassie. "Calm down or I'll take you home with no ice cream.

Tana French

You know for sure Jane would be annoyed she gave you all her money and you’re not even enjoying it. Should have given it to me.’ Myrna had shaken her head in mock bewilderment. ‘I’d have known what to do with it. Boom, down to Jamaica, a nice Rasta man, a good book—’‘Wait a minute. You have a Rasta man and you’re reading a book?’‘Oh, yes. Each has a purpose. For instance, a Rasta man is great when he’s hard, but not a book.’Clara had laughed. They shared a disdain for hard books. Not the content, but the cover. Hardcovers were simply too hard to hold, especially in bed.‘Unlike a Rasta man,’ said Myrna.

Louise Penny

To whomever swapped my tattoo cream for toothpaste........ well played.

R.D. Ronald

She put her hands together and Saul hoped she wasn’t about to say—‘Namaste,’ said CC, bowing. ‘He taught me that. Very spiritual.’She said ‘spiritual’ so often it had become meaningless to Saul.‘He said, CC Das, you have a great spiritual gift. You must leave this place and share it with the world. You must tell people to be calm.’As she spoke Saul mouthed the words, lip-synching to the familiar tune.‘CC Das, he said, you above all others know that when the chakras are in alignment all is white. And when all is white, all is right.’Saul wondered whether she was confusing an Indian mystic with a KKK member. Ironic, really, if she was.

Louise Penny

Why did he kill his own mother?’ Ruth asked.‘The oldest story in the book,’ said Gamache.‘Ben was a male prostitute?’ Gabri exclaimed.‘That’s the oldest profession. Where do you keep your head?’ asked Ruth. ‘Never mind, don’t answer that.

Louise Penny

A deep breath is a technique with which we minimize the number of instances where we say what we do not mean … or what we really think.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Nice hair.’ Olivier turned to Clara, hoping to break the tension.‘Thank you.’ Clara ran her hands through it, making it stand on end as though she’d just had a scare.‘You’re right.’ Olivier turned to Myrna. ‘She looks like a frightened doughboy from the trenches of Vimy. Not many people could carry off that look. Very bold, very new millennium. I salute you.’Clara narrowed her eyes and glared at Myrna whose smile went from ear to ear.

Louise Penny

She strong-armed the swinging door and walked through. Straight into an acid flashback.Clara’s first reaction was to laugh. She stood stunned for a moment then started to laugh. And laugh. And laugh until she thought she’d piddle. Peter was soon infected and began laughing. And Gamache, who up until this moment had only seen a travesty, smiled, then chuckled, then laughed and within moments was laughing so hard he had to wipe away tears.‘Holy horrible taste, Batman,’ said Clara to Peter who doubled over, laughing some more.‘Solid, man, solid,’ he gasped and managed to raise a peace sign before having to put both hands on his knees to support his heaving body.

Louise Penny

Get away from me,” she cried. “What are you?” “Death,” Lok answered menacingly. Brooke looked at him in horror. “Haha, just kidding.

Will Collins

She thinks I'm a hussy,' thought Scarlett. 'And perhaps she's right at that!

Margaret Mitchell

Today I plan to smile a lot, only so people who know me will be freaked the fuck out.

R.D. Ronald

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of the evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and goodwill, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper, and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

Ezekiel 25:17

Peabody pursed her lips. "You're really mean today." "Yes. Yes, I am." Eve took a deep gulp of hideous air, and smiled. "I feel good about that.

J D ROBB

I stifled a yawn. "It's too early to be such an asshat Daniel.

Michelle Hodkin

Our parents would not be ‘The best parents in the world’ (to us) if they were not our parents.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Telescopes and bathyscapes and sonar probes of Scottish lakes, Tacoma Narrows bridge collapse explained with abstract phase-space maps, some x-ray slides, a music score, Minard's Napoleonic war: the most exciting new frontier is charting what's already here.

Randall Munroe

It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

[Lou]: “I’m not talking about the angioplasty. I mean the stuff you’re pumping into me. What is it? Something serious?”[Nurse]: “Oh. This is nothing. You’re not going under the knife today, so you don’t get the good shit. This is a blood-thinning agent. Also, it’ll mellow you out. Got to keep the mellows going.”[Lou]: “It’ll put me to sleep?”[Nurse]: “Faster than a marathon of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Joe Hill

There's our excuse... we'll blame everything on the round-headed kid!

Charles M. Schulz

See, because being Cool is obviously the most important thing on earth. It's more important than getting a job, or having a girlfriend, or political power, or money, because all those things are predicated by Coolness. They happen because of it. They depend on it.

Ned Vizzini

Some men do not know the father of 'their' children.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The primary goal of a righteous parent who has a daughter is to minimize the number of boys and men for whom their daughter will have willingly opened her legs come her wedding day; the closer to zero, the more righteous they will seem.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Stolen oranges also have Vitamin C. Likewise, a stolen salmon, too, has omega-3 fatty acids.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people are so sexually unattractive that the thought of masturbating turns them off.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

You're upset, you're cold, and you're wet, wouldn't you rather discuss all this over a pot of hot tea?" Yes, but I wasn't going to say so.

Ransom Riggs

What is this place?’‘Heaven.’ She laughed, ‘with better drinks!

Tan Redding

The longest piece of literature I've read lately was a tattoo on this biker I picked up last night. It said, If you're this close, you've gotta suck it.

Eric Arvin

Coco Chanel is said to have said that a girl should be two things: who and what she is. I say a girl should do two things: what and who she wants.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

So a good man can be a bad Christian?""I suppose so.""Then a bad man," I said, "can be a good Christian?

Bernard Cornwell

Here! Turn left, I know a short cut through Barons Court."We spend the next twenty minutes mired in roadworks in Barons Court with a bunch of other people who know Edie's short cut.

Mark Mills

I flinch. Maybe you have to be male to understanding that castration can't be reduced to finger-scissors and some onomatopoeia.

Mark Mills

It was a red-flannel chest-protector, one of those large quasi-hygienic objects that with pills and medicines take the place of beneficial relics and images among the Protestant peoples of Christendom.

H.G.Wells

I wouldn't do that," Silk advised. "Thinking about it isn't going to help, and it's only going to make you nervous.""Nervouser," Garion corrected. "I'm already nervous.""Is there such a word as "'nervouser'?" Silk asked Belgarath curiously. "There is now," Belgarath replied. "Garion just invented it.""I wish I could invent a word," Silk said admiringly to Garion.

David Eddings

Some mistakes are worse than others: wearing your underwear inside out isn’t as uncomfortable as wearing it back to front.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Shit, I have already read this....

Michael Pollack

My grandma said to me, Lailah; ‘You laugh while sleeping

Lailah Gifty Akita

Every single living thing is food to at least one living thing.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

You talk like we're in open warfare." "Aren't we?" The man blew on his tea. "You're pointing a gun at something." "I'm annoyed.

Emma Jane Holloway

Liers cannot be lied to because they know everything can be a lie.

Jackson Taviri

The pressures of business relationships: so I tell the guy I usually have my tea time at 10 o’clock every morning. He calls me at noon (very upset) because I didn’t meet him on the golf course.

Eric Christopher Jackson

The difference ‘twixt poet and coxcomb is precisely that the latter stops gaps like a ship fitter caulking seams, merely to keep the boat afloat, while the former doth his work as doth a man with a maid: he fills the gap, but with vigor, finesse, and care; there’s beauty and delight as well as utility in his plugging

John Barth

Tea was the great arbiter of many things, and for Pastaddams, his morning cup meant the difference between expressing rational thought and succumbing to the ineptitude that occupied recesses of his dormant mind. Merely having the cup in his hand facilitated the flow of ideas, and upon tea, the great nourishment of the tailor’s life, rested all his claims to rational dependence.

Michelle Franklin

What is Gornite? Why can't you heat it? Will it make you laugh? - I hope so

Lucas Riddle

Oh, good. Okay, I'd like to get more sleep before I have to figure out how we find a Sith Lord in Washington.

Gini Koch

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Humour Quotes - Page 16

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