Humour Quotes - Page 15

Peace and gladness in every home is a peace for the society, nation and the world.

Lailah Gifty Akita

Humour sustains us during failure; more so after success, when we're prone to fail that much more, daring abyss, pumped up with success.

Fakeer Ishavardas

You do not respond to a mosquito bite with a hammer.

Patrick L.O. Lumumba

Staying relaxed was helping him cope with the drug induced juddering vision that could be best described as being like a Hitchcockian visual effect operated by a hyperactive squirrel that shook the whole universe closer and farther away. If you went with it, it was quite pleasant, as long as you didn't introduce any lateral movement like turning your head or the car. This caused the universe to try and slide away from underneath you. The other side effect was the constant feeling you ought to try to twist your head off, in a good way.

Curious about these new entities, the elementals asked why the gods were in the shape they were."We are bipedal," Erebus said. "We wish to be distinguished from the animals.""What are animals?" an elemental asked."We're not sure yet, but they will have more than two legs. Unless we give them less than two... or maybe not. Anyway, it's just a concept we're playing with at the moment.

Ready?" Aeron called over.Michael span to see him giving a thumbs up to the booth. His eye was drawn down to the huge war hammer hanging from his other hand."How about we start with a chase? Try to touch the far wall and get back here before I cripple you." He smiled as if he'd said 'tag you', not 'cripple you'.

Corvid looked up at her. "Oh, hello Doris.""Gertie, dear," she said. "They call me Gertie.""You used to be Doris," Corvid said as a matter of fact."Who?" She seemed unsure of what she was being told."Doris, daughter of Oceanus and Tethys?" Corvid carried on when he saw her blank expression. "You must remember Nereus? Your husband?"Nothing."You gave birth to fifty sea nymphs. I guess sea nymphs come out slippy and hydrodynamic, but even so, fifty of them? That must stick in the memory as the day before you felt really sore for a month or so?"Doris thought about it for a moment. "It does ring a bell. Sorry, who are you?

I've done this sort of thing before. Not prophecies so much, but you'd be surprised how many people want to realign their ancestral lines to seem nobler, or rewrite their family history to remove more morally questionable episodes." He paused to recall a recent rewrite. "One lord wanted the murderers removed from his family line. His family was so corrupt, he ended up with three virgin births, two generations removed entirely and a lady who gave birth at the age of two. Still, no one questions it as there is evidence in the archives." Bubo smugly tapped a book. "There is one thing though, faking a prophecy in the past is easy, you already know the result. How will you make this come true in the future?""I have someone in mind for it, but I'm not sure he'll go for it. But then prophecy is all optional anyway." Corvid looked up as if a thought had occurred to him. "I'd best go check on my man, I've not met him yet.

I don't understand humans." Caradoc shook his head. "It takes their brightest minds decades to plan an unmanned voyage to the nearest planet, which can take a year to travel each way. Yet they expect there to be aliens travelling distances it takes light decades to reach us, just for a weekend of bum fun with a total stranger without asking their permission, before dropping them off where they found them. They're just dying to believe the weirdest, least plausible things possible.

In an ideal world, he’d simply scrape the surface of his bottomless courage, carelessly slip off his horse, scratch his massive balls, and then stroll over to the Lair in his own good time. But this wasn’t an ideal world, Rawley’s courage reservoir was barely a puddle, and at that particular moment he had precious little below the belt worth scratching!

Mick reached backwards without breaking eye contact and ran his hand across the door behind him, “See this?” he said. “This is my door. And no-one is touching my door today.” He shook his head slowly as if the issue wasn’t even up for debate.Surle said nothing, just stared.Mick swung his sword lazily, pointing towards the floor between himself and the infamous Marshal, “See this floor here? This floor is my porch,” he said. “And no-one is welcome on my porch today, especially you.”Still nothing from Surle, just silence.“So why don’t you just sod off like a good little lackey?

Rotten, dirty, back-slapping, wine-quaffing, haemorrhoid-hosting, goat-shagging, fart-sniffing, Crispin-loving, gold-snatching bastards!!!

It wasn’t like that at all!” argued the Sleuth, looking around for support. “It was a heroic, selfless act of spectacular bravery! I should be worshipped like a god! Immortalised in song!” He struck a dramatic pose, “One man, alone and outnumbered, sacrificed himself for the greater good…”“Immortalised in song, eh?” chuckled Mick. “How about ‘ridiculed in nursery rhymes’?

I just think the world ought to be more sort of organized.''That's just fantasy,' said Twoflower.'I know. That's the trouble.' Rincewind sighed again.

Terry Pratchett

- "Surely you have considered terrorist activity?"There was another pause. Then the spokesman said, in the quiet tones of someone who has had enough and who is going to quit after this and raise chickens somewhere, "Yes, I suppose we must. All we need to do is find some terrorists who are capable of taking an entire nuclear reactor out of its can while it's running and without anyone noticing. It weighs about a thousand tons and is forty feet high. So they'll be quite strong terrorists. Perhaps you'd like to ring them up, sir, and ask them questions in that supercilious, accusatory way of yours."-- The BBC interviews a nuclear spokesperson (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

Terry Pratchett

He continued to attack the gate. His arm started to ache. The hammer was designed for neither brute nor force. "Are you all right up there?" asked Eleanor. "Want me to go see if I can find a small child to give you a lift?" "Maybe if we swapped positions and you condescended at the gate, we'd get through faster?

Matt shrugged. It was a good shrug, too. All it was missing was a beret, a stripy shirt and a Gauloise cigarette.

Where was his knife, upon which he relied? He had cut cheese for their noonday meal, and had packed the knife away with the cheese.Aillas said: 'Sir, before we continue with this matter, may I offer you a bite of cheese?''I care for no cheese, though it is an amusing concept.''In that case, allow me a moment while I cut a morsel or two for myself, as I hunger.''I have no time to spare while you eat cheese; prepare instead for death.

It‘s quite simple, actually.”‖ He thought of a way to explain things to his friend in a language that Dez could understand. “Imagine that Khevala‘s a girl you fancy…”‖“Oh, now that I do understand!”‖“But she‘s put you in the friend zone,”‖ he resumed, unable to stop a little smirk from appearing on his face. “With no benefits of any kind, besides.”‖ The smirk turned into a dry chuckle as he watched the disappointed look that his explanation had put on Dez‘s face. “Only friends, Dez, that‘s it. You can go out with her, enjoy her company all you like, but you‘ll always have to keep your hands to yourself.”‖“I can look but I can‘t touch? Not even a little kiss, every now and then?”‖

Tito Barberi Martinez

You want fantasy? Here's one... There's this species that lives on a planet a few miles above molten rock and a few miles below a vacuum that'd suck the air right out of them. They live in a brief geological period between ice ages, when giant asteroids have temporarily stopped smacking into the surface. As far as they can tell, there's nowhere else in the universe where they could stay alive for ten seconds. And what do they call their fragile little slice of space and time? They call it real life.

Terry Pratchett

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly.

By the time Albie is my age I will be long gone, or, best-case scenario, barricaded into my living module with enough rations to see out my days. But outside, I imagine vast, unregulated factories where workers count themselves lucky to toil through eighteen-hour days for less than a living wage before pulling on their gas masks to fight their way through the unemployed masses who are bartering with the mutated chickens and old tin-cans that they use for currency, those lucky workers returning to tiny, crowded shacks in a vast megalopolis where a tree is never seen, the air is thick with police drones, where car-bomb explosions, typhoons and freak hailstorms are so commonplace as to be barely remarked upon. Meanwhile, in the literally gilded towers above the carcinogenic smog, the privileged 1 per cent of businessmen, celebrities and entrepeneurs look down through bullet-proof windows, accept coktails in strange glasses from the robot waiters hovering nearby and laugh their tinkling laughs and somewhere, down there in that hellish, stewing mess of violence, poverty and desperation, is my son, Albie Petersen, a wandering minstrel with his guitar and his keen interest in photography, still refusing to wear a decent coat.

If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, “You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now!

Fear of new ideas breeds angry head spiders that have been known to attack.

There exists a microscopic breed of brain beetle, commonly known as an ‘idea’. An idea desires only one thing: To catch the perfect brain wave.

*Prostitution* is a euphemism for rape incidents that the victim and the economy profits from.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine.

Benny Bellamacina

The shades of colours are splendid.

Lailah Gifty Akita

I know about dance, like the creationist knows about science, and typically treat it with a similar contempt

Eilian J. Richmond

And one day Amber takes her troll’s dinner down to the cave and finds him—” Rock waved his hands in vague yet thoroughly descriptive motions “—with another lady troll. So she go home and get her club and come back and beat him to death, thump, thump, thump. ’Cos he was her troll and he done her wrong. Is very romantic song.

Terry Pratchett

Attracting musicians is rather like inviting flies over to tea: they are tolerable for half an hour, but when they begin to touch the food, you either wish they would go home or die.

Michelle Franklin

We stopped and listened. Just on the cusp of hearing I detected a rhythmic pounding, more a vibration in the concrete than a sound.'Drums,' I said and then because I couldn't resist it. 'Drums in the deep.''Drum and Bass in the deep,' said Kumar.

Ben Aaronovitch

I smiled, knowing that Elizabeth, even in the worst of her humours, was far better suited to my own disposition. She would scold me, quarrel with me, torment me, tease me and laugh at me as often as may be.I was the happiest man in the world.

For me to forgive my ex, he would have to sign a marriage contract with his tears and seal it with his blood.

Natalya Vorobyova

Shame on you. Don't tell me you've been married for an hour and you've already got eyes for another woman.

Mordecai Richler

In some cases, it is the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that has left her man for another.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

In many cases, it was the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that fell for her man.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Reframing your past painful experiences and seeing them in a humorous light takes away the power and emotional charge attached to the memory of the hurtful event.

Miya Yamanouchi

Can we just be grateful for beauty & joy, fascination & tolerance, humour & love, nature & grace, and simply release any anger and pains?

We are, or rather our natural desire to evade pain and to attain pleasure is, the primary reason we do or say every single thing we do or say.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

a brief history of artCave paintings. Clay then bronze statues. Then for about 1,400 years, people painted nothing except bold but rudimentary pictures of either the Virgin Mary and Child or the Crucifixion. Some bright spark realised that things in the distance looked smaller and the pictures of the Virgin Mary and the Crucifixion improved hugely. Suddenly everyone was good at hands and facial expression and now the statues were in marble. Fat cherubs started appearing, while elsewhere there was a craze for domestic interiors and women standing by windows doing needlework. Dead pheasants and bunches of grapes and lots of detail. Cherubs disappeared and instead there were fanciful, idealised landscapes, then portraits of aristocrats on horseback, then huge canvasses of battles and shipwrecks. Then it was back to women lying on sofas or getting out of the bath, murkier this time, less detailed then a great many wine bottles and apples, then ballet dancers. Paintings developed a certain splodginess - critical term - so that they barely resembled what they were meant to be. Someone signed a urinal, and it all went mad. Neat squares of primary colour were followed by great blocks of emulsion, then soup cans, then someone picked up a video camera, someone else poured concrete, and the whole thing became hopelessly fractured into a kind of confusing, anything-goes free for all.

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

Karl Pilkington

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

Karl Pilkington

These Hoes Just Gon Fuck Who Ever Poppin , You Better Be Careful, When you fuck em' Raw!

Genereux Philip

BLACK IS SO FUCKIN' BEAUTIFUL

Genereux Philip

We didn't do anything illegal, All we ever did was be black.. #BlackLivesMatter

Genereux Philip

Fake is the new real,You gotta keep a lot a shit to yourself.

Genereux Philip

If an Artist falls in love with you, you will live forever.

Genereux Philip

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

Genereux Philip

If ur laptop doesnt smell like fire then ur losing.

Genereux Philip

Don't fuckin' sleep on yourself

Genereux Philip

Bitch, if I ain't a G, I'm an OG

Genereux Philip

I'm the G when you spell OG

Genereux Philip

The hardest part about walking away from someone is the part where you realize that, no matter how slowly you go, they will never run after you.

Genereux Philip

Quiet,â€� she hissed at me, her voice shockingly aggressive for such a small person. â€œOtherwise, Iâ€™ll shut you up myself.

I was just thinking that it would be nice if, for once in a while, life made things easier,â€� I told him, feeling annoyed. â€œWhy does life have to throw impossible tasks at us all the time for crying out loud?â€� At hearing my debate, Luna huffed.â€œBecause lifeâ€™s a bitch,â€� she growled under her breath, sulking. â€œThatâ€™s why.

Clearly, this was another thing I needed to add to the: â€˜repetitive cycle of things that were constantly happening in my lifeâ€™ list, which currently contained fainting and my ability to find trouble.

Of course they were eaten,â€� he retorted, his eyes flashing in cold humour. â€œTrolls generally arenâ€™t exactly renowned for being vegetarians.

Wellâ€¦itâ€™s whether you want to face certain death by taking a risk on the other route or almost certain death by scaling the walls?â€� she replied. â€œTherefore, for me, considering our options, itâ€™s a no brainer.

Man Iâ€™m hot,â€� I exclaimed, fanning myself. The combination of climbing out of the cave and the sun meant that I was perspiring like crazy. â€œWhy thank you,â€� retorted Blaine, smirking. â€œIâ€™m pleased that my presence causes that kind of reaction.

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