Humour Quotes - Page 13

Oh. Well was this your first time painting a live model?”She nodded her head, with an almost guilty look on her face.“What’s it like?”“Hard,” she replied.

Zack Love

And as their penile pain began to subside, the two men were able to form more complex thoughts, resulting in a collaborative work: the development of a worldview that might be described as “penilosophy.

Zack Love

Women are almost two thirds more likely than men to believe in God, a major study of attitudes among middle aged Britons has found, says The Telegraph. Well, men are twice more likely than God to believe in women! (At least that was so in the Garden of Eden)

The official recruiting process for their posse began. Because Carlos, Narc, and Trevor each had high SQs, Heeb and Evan reasoned that adding the three to their group would raise the average SQ of each group member (much the way that colleges recruit individuals with higher test scores to increase the average test scores of their matriculated students).

Zack Love

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?”“Gentleman may still wear them, but I’m afraid the problem is that there aren’t many left.

Females and boys are the only creatures that propose others for friendship. As for the rest of us, friendship sort of just happens.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I won’t have you calling me Miss Tuttle. That’s what the doc calls me. And the lady at the bank. One takes my temperature and the other my money. Friends don’t take anything—they give.

Diane Lynn McGyver

The other day, a friend of a friend said that everyone started out as girls, but boys evolved… But don’t worry girls, I hit him.

I’ve been living on the edge for so long, my friends call me Cliff

Benny Bellamacina

One of these days, I would doubt the Gardeners a little too much and Zach was going to play handball with my head.

Aron Christensen

Nice work," I commented drily. "How old was that littlest one? Five? Did she put up a terrible fight?""I feared for my life," Zach said with a perfectly straight face. "You must be bored, Julia. You usually have a sharper sense of humor than that.""Eat thorns.""Well, it is about lunch time. Let's go grab a bite.

Erica Lindquist

Usually after a good puke you feel better right away. We hugged each other and then said good-bye and went off to opposite ends of the hall to lie down in our own rooms. There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

I hate smug people.”Ros laughed. “That you do. And so you’re using his phone. He’ll explode, you know.”“Oh, it’ll be bad. ‘Cause I made all the phone calls on my list.”There was a pause. “No. You didn’t.”“I did.”“Fifty-one phone calls on the off-limits phone?” “Yup.”“Did you fall down the stairs or something? What is wrong with you?!

Some of our friends are our friends only because we used to be friends.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

She's become a Russian again, he thought. When something works, she's grateful. When it doesn't work, it's life.

Life is a circus: you go in, bow, run around, bow again and leave.

Hopeless. Freak. Elephant. Pitiful

Waiting for a book to be published is like having a baby. It would be nine months before we heard the patter of tiny pages trotting through the letter box, and the bookcase shuffled it's shelves in boredom and I was a martyr to morning sickness.

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

Jonathan Tropper

Mark Spitz didn't ask about Harry. You never asked about the characters that disappeared from a Last Night story. You knew the answer. The plague had a knack for narrative closure.

Colson Whitehead

Another one of your quippy japes?

Technically, you cannot really own a book you bought; you can only own the sheets of paper your copy is printed on; unless, of course, you are the book’s publisher.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There is much to discover that's not on the back cover!

E.A. Bucchianeri

I BELIEVE EVERYONE IS SPECIAL . . . BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK . . . . IT'S JUST ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING NO-ONE IS

Someone will complete you some day and that day will never be late. Those nouns and verbs are above wonderful and never ending .

Bikash Bhandari

I am in a cage. I desire to be set free.

Lailah Gifty Akita

Sometimes the walk to the doctors is a better cure than the medicine you receive

Benny Bellamacina

Shit happens. You can either stand their and complain about the smell or you can wipe your shoe and keep walking.

It was supposed to say "Great Artist" on my tombstone, but if I died right now it would say "such a good teacher/daughter/friend" instead; and what I really want to shout, and want in big letters on that grave, too, is FUCK YOU ALL.

If you say it very softly, with a smile, you can get away with saying almost anything, even the truth.

One thing you'll learn when you're in the business of selling utter shite to the Great British Public is that there's really no bottom to where they'll go. Shit food, shit TV, shit bands, shit films, shit houses. There is absolutely no fucking bottom with this stuff. The shittier you can make it - a bad photocopy of a bad photocopy of what was a shit idea in the first place - the more they'll eat it up with a big fucking spoon, from dawn till dusk, from now until the end of time. It's too good.

The public thinks big, sensible, measured thoughts while people run around doing silly things

Terry Pratchett

Having had virtually no contact with the outside world for the last few weeks, Evan had temporarily forgotten the social norms governing shopping conduct or approaching celebrities in public.

Zack Love

I’m just not ready to give myself up, Sammy. I mean, there’s something perfect about virginity, and I haven’t found someone who deserves to take that perfection from me…”“You’re loco, Carlos. Insane. Totally crazy… Most guys think they’re imperfect for still being virgins past the age of seventeen.

Zack Love

Dating someone exclusively for four months in New York is like four years in Anchorage.

Zack Love

Ten thousand women marched through the streets shouting, 'We will not be dictated to,' and went off and became stenographers.

G.K. Chesterton

You remind me of an old cat I once had. Whenever he killed a mouse he would bring it into the drawing-room and lay it affectionately at my feet. I would reject the corpse with horror and turn him out, but back he would come with his loathsome gift. I simply couldn’t make him understand that he was not doing me a kindness. He thought highly of his mouse and it was beyond him to realize that I did not want it.You are just the same with your chivalry. It’s very kind of you to keep offering me your dead mouse; but honestly I have no use for it. I won’t take favors just because I happen to be a female.

Sofia the kind of woman no matter what she have in her hand she make it look like a weapon.

If Beyoncé Knowles and Miley Cyrus represent the latest branch of feminism, then surely the male-dominated power elite must be aroused with concern.

Mitchell Rhodes

Women in love are patheticand I cannot be bothered, for now,I am back to metaphysicsand my armpits gather hair.

His cell-phone rang. Dominic fumbled for it on the nightstand next to the couch, the dim lights not helping his endeavour. He had piercing, generic, banal fluorescent lights on his face all the time at work and at University, it was so bad it made him loathe even natural sunlight. Lucky this apartment’s living room light had a dimmer. He flipped open his phone and said hello. ‘Hey Dom, how you doin’?’ a voice boomed. It was Ben. They proceeded to talk about the upcoming exams, which were deceptively close as it was week 10 at the moment. Yes, they would be alright. Yes, they would meet up afterwards. No, he hadn’t studied more than Ben had. As he clapped the phone closed after the genial conversation reached its natural nadir, he had forgotten most of what had been said

One word came to mind: pee-yew. Evan tried to place the odor; it wasn’t a heap of decayed garbage or that of a spoiled fish. Truth be told, he smelled like rotten cheese.

He plunged into the foliage, and was swept into a humid, wet world of towering trees, animal chirps and thick ferns. After a few steps, he turned, and could barely make out the village. He walked a few more steps. He could see nothing now except for the thick trees and long ferns and grasses that surrounded him. He was enveloped into the confined space between trees, surrounded by the jungle heat and staccato chirps. He turned in the direction of the village, but could only see thick, dense trees. Hoping his sense of direction had not been muddled, he turned back around to the direction of the alleged ocean, and kept walking.Now the calls he heard sounded more and more strange. How far had he walked by now? The jungle, or rain forest, whatever it was, did not relent, and he kept on weaving into narrow gaps between the sturdy ferns and towering trees, pressing onwards. This continued for a seemingly oppressive amount of time, and he began to doubt his decision. To come to this place. To take a chance with his life, which was going in the right direction. Why couldn’t he be happy with the normal and mundane, he cursed, scolding his own stubbornness

Evan ran his finger across the faded leather spines. He laughed at how silly some of the names were: Paint Your Roses Red, Edelweiss and Me, World of Mushrooms and Fungi, The Toadstool Diaries, Daffodils Unseen and Exotic Plants Unleashed, to name but a few.

If you want the extra-ordinary, you've got to be willing to forsake the ordinary' - Annie Grimes in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots

D.M. Lee

Our friend Chewy doesn’t speak much, but he chews a lot of tobacco so we call him Chewbacco.

Foolish potato, talking to her like that won’t work. You’ve got to be mean and show off your foil-wrapped rigidity.

Bear with me G-Harrison because this is going to be a long speech. I’ve always had this feeling that the world is not enough and I won’t be happy in life unless I hold hands with a girl who has a golden eye and a gold finger; I beat the living daylights out a guy called Dr No; I get a postcard from my friend who lives in Russia which reads ‘From Russia with love’; I spend some time working for her majesty’s secret service; I play the Thunderball Super Spud lottery; I meet a guy called Moonraker; I finally get a licence to kill, which I applied for months ago; I buy a house with a view to kill for and I get a pet octopus called Octopussy. If only I lived twice and tomorrow never died, maybe then I would get a chance to fulfil my dreams.

Nonsense, this is my home and I must defend it. It’s time for Santa to get serious.

The Professor is coming...

I don't know if you've ever been covered head to toe in prickle bush, but let me tell you, it's not a pleasant experience, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Elizabeth Newton

Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.

Shocked my old friend from China, Deja Vu, when I turned up at his door without notice.

The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.

Erica Sehyun Song

Does bad luck come in 3's...or is it multiples of 3?

Tara Ford

Nanny Ogg was an attractive lady, which is not the same as being beautiful. She fascinated Casanunda. She was an incredibly comfortable person to be around, partly because she had a mind so broad it could accommodate three football fields and a bowling alley.

Terry Pratchett

To write you dreams of fantasy, is to create fantasy in another's dreams.

To write your dreams of fantasy, is to create fantasy in another's dreams

Life is the courier of the universal brilliance." Elysse

My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone," Reverend Jones said. "Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.

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