Humour Quotes - Page 10

I'm so sorry. I think I'm just tired." The socially accepted excuse for being mental.

In real life, Snow White stays dead and Rapunzel grows old, alone in her tower. In real life, you gotta have enough sense to stay away from ugly bitches offering you shiny apples and have enough balls to cut off your own hair and use it as a ladder if needs be. In real life, you gotta save yourself and the only happy endings are the ones paid for in massage parlors.

The Americans have perfected weather forecasts: a model presents a model of the Earth, a map, and jabs at it with her pointer – here and here, this is going to happen. Voodoo.

If I had followed every urge I ever had, I would have had much more sex and killed a lot more people

I remember calling the council's cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.

Elizabeth Eulberg

Here is a story in the worst way. I have no business being anywhere in it. It comes between me and the life I have coming.

Gary Lutz

I suppose you’re young,’ she conceded, managing once again to make youth sound like impetigo

But now the train had finally begun to move, and Albie had switched the fearless truth-telling eye of his camera lens from his untied laces to the walls of the tunnels under east London, because you can never have enough pictures of dirty concrete.

Its done.' Penteluck announced and scooped some onto a spoon for Zayne to drink.'No chance, you first. You're already dead it won't kill you if you drink it.'Penteluck frowned. 'Zayne I'm already dead, how will you know if it will kill you in the first place?'She shrugged, 'it helps i guess.

Keisha Keenleyside

In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you.""Fight or flight.""Yes.""Only half of that is flight.

Adam Rex

He was definitely taking his bodyguard duties seriously tonight. He gave off a take-one-step-closer-and-I-will-show-you-Armageddon vibe.

Christina Henry

If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I don’t reckon it’s allowed, going round setting fire to people,” said Adam. “Otherwise people’d be doin’ it all the time.”“It’s all right if you’re religious,” said Brian reassuringly. “And it stops the witches from goin’ to Hell, so I expect they’d be quite grateful if they understood it properly.

Terry Pratchett

If heaven was created only for the most stupid clown, then Mr Bean could have been the only righteous man on earth.

Michael Bassey Johnson

I suddenly realise that it doesn't matter how far I go, or how lost I am, or how lonely I feel. I fit in here. I always will.That's how I know I'm home.

New becomes stale and old becomes fresh. The impractical, ageing estate long ago left behind to Singapore's pioneers and their homemade tofu stalls takes on a certain irreverence and originality; an anarchic streak even. It goes against the architectural grain. It stands out in a crowd, a rebel with curves. The reclusive behaviour only adds to the appeal. So the old place becomes "hip".

The residents blamed the "Gahmen", naturally. Since the explosion of social media, those "Gahmen" guys have been blamed for everything from HDB flat prices to the price of oil, climate change, the shortage of Hello Kitty dolls and kids not clearing their trays away at hawker centres.

Haw Par Villa is the nutty exception. It's mad, slightly unhinged and overwhelmingly rubbish. Without a doubt, Haw Par Villa is the Louis Tussaus House of Wax of Singapore. There is no higher compliment (...) For it's own sake, Haw Par Villa still had to be terrible, macabre, distasteful and offensive.

Always dip your toe in the past before stepping into the future

Benny Bellamacina

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

Benny Bellamacina

Anyone who says "Trust me" is the last motherfucker you should ever trust.

Yefgenii said, "The Americans spent millions of dollars designing a pen that would work in space. What did we do?" Gevorkian's head was down, his eyes were down. "What did we do?"Gevorkian lifted his head "We used pencils.""We used pencils.

Life makes fun of us and we should help it.

The wind was against them now, and Piglet's ears streamed behind him like banners as he fought his way along, and it seemed hours before he got them into the shelter of the Hundred Acre Wood and they stood up straight again, to listen, a little nervously, to the roaring of the gale among the treetops.'Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?''Supposing it didn't,' said Pooh after careful thought.

Milne

I am an optimist and when I am too sure of something or someone, well, of course it turns out that I am wrong .. at other situations, I imagine the worst and needless to say, I am again wrong

Have a selective optimistic sight, transform the bitch glitch "in stitches.

Facing the backside of the future is the only way to move forward

Benny Bellamacina

David had left her,taking his insane jealousy with him.

Are you sure I can't mend a shirt or darn a sock for you in trade? Anything?""You can quit your yammerin' and carry this table downstairs so I can get back to minding my own business instead of messing around in yours.

Karen Witemeyer

So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase... I merely obliged her by running.

It may take a village to raise a baby, but hell! it takes an army to produce a book.

So I picked the book up and did my usual 123 test. I don't bother reading the blurb on the back, or the first page - the writer's obviously going to be trying their hardest there, aren't they? It's how they're getting on by page 123 that's the real test. If they're crap at writing or bored with their story then you can bet they won't be making any effort at all by that point.

Are you an evolutionist? I’m an absurdist, ma’am. But let’s suppose evolution is true; what about the monkeys today? Why can’t we see them evolving? Are they still evolving?

Harrison Wheeler

...and specimens like this confirmed there had been some kind of divine rule in the universe because no natural selection process was up to the task of creating something like him. This was some god’s, somewhere’s, handiwork.

Nicole Williams

Try jogging when following your heart, it's healthier

Benny Bellamacina

When the only exorcise you get is running for a bus, get more buses!

Benny Bellamacina

A sneeze can never be to far away

Benny Bellamacina

Never look in the mirror when your stressed it’s contagious

Benny Bellamacina

I don't know who you are; you could be an axe murderer for all I know. How am I supposed to trust you and follow you? For that matter, follow you where?" Gabe inquired."Search yourself, what do your instincts tell you?" Uri asked."That you're a crazy nut job and freaking me out!" Gabe snapped back.

He jokingly thought that this guy fancied himself some kind of Jedi knight, waiting for him to say, 'these are not the droids you're looking for.

You feel like you're cursed. Death follows you wherever you go and you feel completely abandoned. You wish it would all end for you. You think that death would be a release, yet something compels you forward."The blood drained from Gabe's face as he listened to Uri speak. "You're not alone, Gabe, there are many more like us and we want to help you.

Life wasn't too bad. The trouble with Man was, even while he was having a good time, he didn't appreciate it. Why, thought Milligan, this very moment might be the happiest in me life. The very thought of it made him miserable.

... a man aint so different from a horse or a mule, come long come short, except a mule or a horse has got a little more sense.

William Faulkner

Holly girl, you are all too human, I can assure you. Prickly and awkward and human, because that's what witches are - human, that is, not necessarily the prickly and annoying bit. That's just you.

The choices that women make sometimes seems provoking and at the same time amusing. I once met a lady who said she liked my amusing facial expression.

Michael Bassey Johnson

Without desire, one is a walking cadaver.

I'm on a roller coaster which only goes up my friend

Augustus Waters The Fault in Our Stars

Those that know, do not need explanations, and those that do not, would not understand any explanations.

You seem to like helping, taking care of people," he said. "That is admirable.""You enjoy being nurtured?""Well, that isn’t all you promise. When you touch me, I feel a fire at my center. You want me to grow and find my true story, my purpose. You seem to want to be there when I see new things. You want to share and enjoy my discoveries.

Greg Bear

And there shall come a kingdom in which the lion shall lie down with the lamb. Unfortunately for the lamb it shall be inside the lion!

I think this goat must have been fed on old boots,' Stubble complained as he chewed the last scraps of flesh from the bones littering his stew.

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

Tell me what you do with the food you eat, and I’ll tell you who you are. Some turn their food into fat and manure, some into work and good humor, and others, I’m told, into God.” - Zorba.

Nikos Kazantzakis

D’yer see it? This finger, laddie, could send ye to meet yer Maker!”Sgt. Deisenburger stared at the black and purple nail a few inches from his face. As an offensive weapon it rated quite highly, especially if it was ever used in the preparation of food.

Terry Pratchett

My philosophy in life is to eat, drink and investigate - in that order.

Mel Healy

He had to be nice to me at the moment because he had to be surrounded by people. This was because boys like him were, essentially, pasta. Everyone thought they loved him because they had never been forced to experience the true blandness of him on his own.

Mrs Guinea answered my letter and invited me to lunch at her home. That was where I saw my first finger-bowl.The water had a few cherry blossoms floating in it, and I thought it must be some clear sort of Japanese after-dinner soup and ate every bit of it, including the crisp little blossoms. Mrs Guinea never said anything, and it was only much later, when I told a debutant I knew at college about dinner, that I learned what I had done.

Have a chocolate-covered raisin,” he said.“They look like rat droppings,” said the Chair.The Dean peered at them in the gloom.“So that’s it,” he said. “The bag fell on the floor a minute ago, and I thought there seemed rather a lot.

Terry Pratchett

Savour life's pleasures in abundance

Ginger Sullivan

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