Humorous Quotes - Page 2

Hey!” Mena exclaimed “Don’t knock Jeopardy. I love that show”“So do I” Max admitted.“I like it when I know the answers.” Logan added.Trent turned to Logan, “Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so.

Amanda Kelly

If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)

Melissa Mercer

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

Henry David Thoreau

I'm turning into an old man. I own four pairs of oxfords, my stories get a little long winded, and my neighbors play their music too loud.

Christy Hall

She meant to write: "Is Christy here yet?"Auto Correct turned it into: "Is crazy here yet?"For once Auto Correct got it right.

Christy Hall

I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time.

Christy Hall

You know you're officially an adult when you finally understand WHY Miss Hannigan was drinking bath water.

Christy Hall

Q: Best part about being a musical theatre book writer?A: Explaining what that is.

Christy Hall

Just because I have shoes on is no sign that I am walking.

Eugene Blase

If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.

Christy Hall

Let me see,” Opal said.She quickly slurped up the rest of her lunch and thentook the collar. She examined it very closely. Sure enough,she could see bits of evergreen fur pinched along the buckle strap. As she looked closer, she noticed something else. Several pieces of black onyx were sewn into the back of the collar, and they started glowing.“Well look at that,” Jack said. “Somebody’s put a spider in this biscuit.

Mark Caldwell Jones

Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

Erma Bombeck

I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.

Justin Halpern

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.

Erma Bombeck

She would thump them both, and she would apologize to neither.

Kristin Cashore

You should see the murderous stares I get on the street. Though I think that has less to do with seeing a man carrying a purse and more to do with paisley. Paisley makes everyone cranky.

Lisa Henry

Learn more and Know more.

Steve Jobs

Podtyagin considers whether to take offence or not -- and decides to take offence.

Anton Chekhov

While a kind man was working up the nerve to ask me on a date, I was working up the nerve to kill him with my bare hands

Amy McAuley

It's not a luxury if you can't do without it!

Elizabeth Jane Howard

The main difference between a lawyer and a prostitute is that a prostitute won't screw you after you're dead.

Mark R. Jones

My goal is to do something outrageous every day.

Maggie Kuhn

You know your life is completely screwed up when you have to look up the mythological figures who talk to you in the bathroom mirror.

Maurissa Guibord

Some girls have a real sexy giggle, but whenever I laugh it always comes out somewhere between a bellow and a snort!

Elizabeth Jane Howard

Common sense is only irritating in other people

Martyn V. Halm

And watch your tongue. I happen to be partial to humans - most, anyway. Clowns, not so much. Those evil bastards never stop smiling."Niccolo didn't know what these "clowns" were, but he made a mental not to stay away if he ever encountered one. Sounded unpleasant.

Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

If dat ghost have money, I tells him never to haunt you less'n he wants to lose it!

Eugene O'Neill

Sir Humphrey looked like a sleepy old hippo -- and when he yawned in that big, big, hippopotamus way Charity couldn't help doing likewise.

Elizabeth Jane Howard

If you constantly make it clear that you are unwilling to budge, don't get upset when no one is around who's willing to give you a push.

Mark W Boyer

It was [Hugh's] omnipresent fear that some woman might be foisted on him who would turn out to be an adventuress and would blackmail him. This preoccupation made it almost impossible for him to engage a secretary.

Anthony Powell

You pay for that,” he told Ian as he hopped off the hood. “You pay for that, now.”Ian and Peter ignored him, circling around the car. The passenger jumped out and ran off at a sprint, as if the very hounds of hell were nipping at his heels. The taxi driver watched him go and stamped his foot in rage. “You pay for him, too,” he yelled at the men, seething in anger.

Rose Wynters

you'll accomlish more with a kind word and a gun, than you will with a kind word alone.

Al Capone

Consistently sporadic and sporadically consistent. That's me.

Denise Mansfield Bradberry

Do not argue with a spuse who is packing your parachute.

Anonymus Autor

The closest I ever came to a near death experience was living in LA.

Deirdra Baldwin

It ain’t whatcha write, it’s the way atcha write it.

ack Kerouac WD

I leave her to chemically combust and find Wren in the student council office, filling out extremely interesting paperwork. He’s buried behind piles of the stuff. I can barely see tufts of his blonde hair poking out. I reach into the paperwork pile and shove the two halves aside. Hundreds of them fall off the desk and to the floor. Papers drift through the air like snowflakes. Fat, boring-ass snowflakes. Wren looks up, face slack with shock. “Whatcha doing?” I ask. “Dividing up funding for the other clubs,” He whispers, clearly distraught. A paper plops onto his head and slides off dejectedly. I’m respectful for three seconds. “So anyway, I had this nightmare in which Jack was sexy and Kayla died.

Sara Wolf

Pretty?' I said, swivelling in the driver's seat to face him, 'you want to ask me out because I'm pretty?' 'Is there a problem with asking you out because you're pretty?' 'I think you blew it,' said Tiger with a grin. 'You should be asking her out because she's smart, witty, mature beyond her years and every moment in her company makes you want to be a better person - pretty of face should be at the bottom of the list.' 'Oh, blast,' said Perkins despondently. 'It should, shouldn't it?

Jasper Fforde

Hopefully not another employee stealing credit cards, Brooke mused. Or any sort of headache-inducing “oops moment,” like the time one of the restaurant managers called to ask if he could fire a line cook after discovering that the man was a convicted murderer.“Jeez. How’d you learn that?” Brooke had asked.“He made a joke to one of the waiters about honing his cooking skills in prison. The waiter asked what he’d been serving time for, and he said, ‘Murder.’”“I bet that put an end to the conversation real fast. And yes, you can fire him,” Brooke had said. “Obviously, he lied on his employment application.” All of Sterling’s employees, regardless of job position, were required to answer whether they’d ever been convicted of a crime involving “violence, deceit, or theft.” Pretty safe to say that murder qualified.Ten minutes later, the manager had called her back.“Um . . . what if he didn’t exactly lie? I just double-checked his application, and as it turns out, he did check the box for having been convicted of a crime.”Brooke had paused at that. “And then the next question, where we ask what crime he’d been convicted for, what did he write?”“Uh . . . ‘second-degree murder.’”“I see. Just a crazy suggestion here, Cory, but you might want to start reading these applications a little more closely before making employment offers.”“Please don’t fire me.

Julie James

So I’m reading some poem by Louise . . . something, I forget her last name, but it’s about Hades and the underworld, and I don’t even notice that Paige has come up to my table until she says, ‘Doesn’t everyone want love?’ And I’m thinking, wow, that’s a pretty deep question, but then again Paige is really smart, and this is my chance to finally show her that I’m not just a dumb jock. So I say, ‘I heard this theory once that love means your subconscious is attracted to someone else’s subconscious.’”“Very deep,” Cade said.“Exactly. And I’m feeling proud of myself for that one, until she points to the book and says, ‘Oh, that wasn’t a question. I was just quoting a line from the poem.

Julie James

Life without risks is like a burrito without Tabasco. Bland, but you’ll still fart.

Martyn V. Halm

6 Reasons Why You Should Be A Cat: 1) Free Food. 2) Free Rent. 3) Sleep As Long As You Want. 4) Look Great With No Effort. 5) Toes Look Like Beans. 6) License to Kill!

Pusheen the Cat

Why do I write? Because I like telling stories and I don't like repeating myself (insert chuckle here).

NRN

Galen punched his brother hard. "You bastard! You married and din't tell me?"Bathymaas moved to blast him. Aricle stopped her. "I'ts alright my lady. That's his normal reaction.""He needs to find another." Bathymaas"How could you have not told me? I'm your brother! Your twin! When did you marry?" Galen"While you were all gone." Aricles"Have you any idea the shit storm you are about to unleash?" Caleb"It's why I backed down from the fighting. I didn't want anyone hurt. Least of all Bathymaas." AriclesMalphas growled. "Now I want to punch you. . . . But I understand." He rubbed his gold necklace that never left him. "The heart wants what it wants, and nothing will deny it. But damn . . ." He turned his glare to Bathymaas. "Damn.""So what does this mean?" Monokles"The gods will attack her for this. Openly. Those who hate her will say that she can no longer perform her duties because she's been corrupted by the thouch of a mortal. And they will be after Aricles with everything they have." Caleb"I still don't trust him. He bowed out when we needed him the most." Phelix"To protect his wife." Haides reminded Phelix. "Right or wrong, I doubt there's a one of us who wouldn't do whatever he had to to keep his woman safe." Haides"he's right, there's nothing I wouldn't do to protect my wife and her honor." MonoklesGalen hugged Bathymaas and then his brother. "I hate you." galen"I hate you too." AriclesBathymaas scowled. "We don't mean it, my lady. Rather, it's our way of saying that we're still mad, but are willing to forgive." Aricles"Mortals are so strange." Bathymaas

Sherrilyn Kenyon

At the best of times, Father Bain's face resembled a clenched fist.

Diana Gabaldon

Uncle Drew shouts. “You are a disgrace. Your mother should have swallowed.

Tara Sivec Love and Lists

It was the ship of dreams to everyone else.

Oshada Shashika

Anything can happen in Hollywood, even good things.

J.P. Mac

You're going to have a watermelon come out of your flap-jack and that shit will never be the same. Never. - Madison

Nicole Reed

Retirement is lie sex. Men love to talk about it, but when the time finally comes, they're good for about fifteen minutes then they're dying to put their ties back on.

Paula Wall

If life takes you long way, take a shortcut!

Baba

My life is measured into two distinct phases . . . BC is before cellulite and AC is for after cellulite. Sad but so true!

Various

Someone has opened the flood gates of stupidity...

Anthony Feinman

If you want to convince a criminal to see things your way, start by seeing things theirs.

Aubrea Summer

The real point of watching television is to forget that you have a brain.

Elizabeth Jane Howard

You can't be too careful about work. It's the most dangerous habit known to medical science.

Eugene O'Neill

You want to grab something here, Brycin?” he asked, bending over again. Um . . . yeah. Your ass.

Stacey Marie Brown

Are all men's lips as soft as yours, Ari?" Bathymaas"I suppose, goddess. But I don't make it a habit to feel the lips of other men so I don't know for certain." Aricles

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Kiss my ass." "If you’d like me to start there.

Stacey Marie Brown

Why does getting ahead always have to involve getting up early?

Elizabeth Jane Howard

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Humorous Quotes - Page 2

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