Humorous Quotes - Page 11

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

God doesn't send atheists to Hell -- there's no room with all the Christians down there.

My parents had drinks and there were crudités for us- although they were not called crudités at the time, they were called carrots and celery.

Nora Ephron

If someone lied to you, and you positively know this is true, you may find delight in telling them they are the most honest person you know; continue flattering them, giving them the most wonderful compliments, including how you're so thankful to have such an honest person in such a deceptive world. But, then again, this may very well make you a liar too.

K.R. Royal

Science and discovery, especially in the field of non-abnormal pediatric mysteries, is built on the work of those who have been sneezed on before us. Causation and rationale may someday be reached, but until then it is the heartwarming and parental nature of the journey that drives us on; well, that and a fresh box of Kleenex.

Spuds Crawford

For every person who rides with a moral high-horse, they also have a dead horse that they haven't fed lying somewhere out of sight.

Zack W. Van

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I love to laugh. Specially at myself. Sometimes I spend hours doing it.

Nuno Roque

Time may be defined as " dimension governed by activity." Dimension diminishes with inactivity so does the value of time.

Moutasem Algharati

The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.

Douglas Adams

I was sitting on the couch in the living room, pouring through an old sci-fi novel I’d found in one of the ruins, and I could hear the water bubbling as he cooked. The spaghetti smelled good, but I knew he’d probably put something crazy in it like popcorn or marshmallows, so I ignored my rumbling belly.

Ash Gray

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.

Scott B. Pruden

Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones.

Scott B. Pruden

By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the place wasn't the prepackaged, old-shit-on-the-wall nostalgia that came with so many chain restaurants. The cafe was just old, and everything about it said old. But Jon liked it that way, if only because it kept the tourists away and spared him from hearing imported ignorance when there was plenty of local ignorance to go around.

Scott B. Pruden

Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren’t careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast.

Alan Kinross

You saw what I saw, right? Adrienne doing something nice for Xarissa of her own free will. I think I did, said G.ALunette stared into the unknown. This has to be a sign of the coming apocalypse We are all going to die.

Emily Kirby

What if everything about me is totally made up? What if I’m actually…I don’t know. A wanted fugitive in the States.”“Julia.” He reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “Nobody makes up being a high school math teacher.”“That’s why it’s the perfect disguise!”He shook his head. “Nobody.

Rebecca Brooks

I've been coerced into free will.

Brian Spellman

Wilbur looked at the list glumly. "Are you sure you need all this stuff?""Yep.""The ax?""The ax is critical.""The c

Ursula Vernon

Forget your past,Use your pain;Accept that pain,And Achieve the gain.

Nitesh Nishad

I realized that I was okay with myself. I was quirky and withdrawn and loud, but I liked that. I smiled at strangers without thinking they were going to attack me and drag me into their cars. I went to doctors’ offices and touched magazines that had been touched by sick people.

Anna White

To be depressed or neurotic is passive. It has happened to all of us; we are its victims, are we have no control over it.

William Glasser

Prestidigitation? You've got to be joking. No one says that.

Les Lynam

Unicorns aren't magical and beautiful. They're just predatory horses that have horns and love to eat virgins.

Delilah S. Dawson

Two things never mix: one is enchantments and the other is meddling with them.

Lloyd Alexander

Oh, y'know, magic stuff is full of weird vibrations!" said Dane. "Makes your palm sweat, gives you that pins and needles sensation when you hold it! Maybe something running up your arm." He paused. "Something that isn't a spider or a bug. Something running up your arm that's an invisible sensation. But not an invisible spider. Like an invisible feeling that's pins and needly. Maybe more needles than pins.""Are you sure that's not a heart attack?" said Jaya.

Dennis Liggio

In all of the possible scenarios Kian had envisioned, encountering a lunatic had not been one of them. It just showed him that he could never be completely prepared.

D.A. Rhine

He pulled out a dagger from ... she wasn't sure where. Did he have that in his loin cloth? What else does he have in there? (Amy's thoughts, The Witching Pen)

Dianna Hardy

I'm hoping you end up happily married to the man of your dreams and have a hoard of beautiful kids that'll keep you on your toes by turning your neighbours into various types of pond-life." He then shot her his signature grin. "But if it happens to be me, then I wouldn't say no."(Karl to Elena in The Witching Pen)

Dianna Hardy

Today is a season for tomorrow's harvest

Andrew-Knox B Kaniki

... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.

E.A. Bucchianeri

He will work off his crudities in time. I rather mistrust young men who slip into life gracefully.

E.M. Forster

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man".

Russell Beland

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?”“Gentleman may still wear them, but I’m afraid the problem is that there aren’t many left.

Camilla Isley

When men cry, real men, we cry Man Tears. Those are tears made up of actual meat. We basically cry pork chops and steaks. Imagine a steak tearing its way out of your eye. It hurts like hell, which causes more tears. It's a vicious cycle

Larry Gent

Of course, thousands of years of traditional masculinity weren't going away without a fight. They lingered in the vestigial memories of men, occasionally challenging a decision to read the directions or wear argyle, hoping for a day when a hurtling piece of space rock will send the world back to a time before the advent of styling gels.

Matt K. Turner

Stop teasing you two,” Suzy jumped in, “not all of Kathy’s ideas are wacky.”“Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a compliment?

E.A. Bucchianeri

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

Ryan Lilly

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'damn, we fucked up'.

Rotten eCards

I am never one to judge others; I am so eccentric myself that I have no right to cast aspersions. A person may or may not like a thing, and I have little to say other than I love it too or how could you dare not like it please die promptly, but I leave everyone to find their own niches in time. We are all avid about certain things; I happen to rave over many subjects, all of which have a place in the Kingdom of Nerdonia, and whenever I hear someone unjustly disparage a thing I consider sacred, I lay it down that the person is either mistaken or a dunderwhelp, the latter being the likeliest of the two. There is a great difference between knowledge accompanied by bias and ignorance accompanied by gallantry, and while all tastes may be what they are, there are bare necessities that will immediately define a character and relationship, these things usually being how many Monty Python lines one knows and whether or not they know what Iocaine is.The strength of lasting friendships rests on whether one can sing the theme to Neverending Story.

Michelle Franklin

Be brave to share your story! Each of our stories, have a golden treasure for a specific need.

Lailah Gifty Akita

Sobs force their way out of my throat. I feel like I’m trapped in a disaster movie where everything is shriveling into darkness and ash. Sunflowers are being uprooted. Puppies are being trampled. Whole cities are crumbling to dust.

Paula Stokes

I laugh when i'm hurt.I laugh when i'm confused.I laugh when i'm angry.I laugh because others will laugh as well, and while we are laughing, I feel okay for a while.

Damien Buerger

Adventures of Lailah Gifty Akita, the wonder woman!

Lailah Gifty Akita

I am a trembling mess from hip to knee. There is a terrible heat, a looseness in my innards that makes me want to dig my fists between my thighs. It is a confusing feeling - somewhere between diarrhoea and sex - this grief that is almost genital.

Anne Enright

I’m sure she didn’t mean what she said. Life’s too short to hold grudges.” “No, you just have to organize your time better,” Elaine said. “I believe in grudges. They help you survive.

M.J. Mandrake

So where does the name Adam's apple come from? Most people say that it is from the notion that this bump was caused by the forbidden fruit getting stuck in the throat of Adam in the Garden of Eden. There is a problem with this theory because some Hebrew scholars believe that the forbidden fruit was the pomegranate. The Koran claims that the forbidden fruit was a banana. So take your pick---Adam's apple, Adam's pomegranate, Adam's banana. Eve clearly chewed before swallowing.

Mark Leyner

I’ve got more faith in my shotgun than any man, that’s for sure.

Kerrelyn Sparks

That's a good attitude. You should hate me more, curse me more, and detest me! Then you should take the power of that hatred and use it to survive this rotten world.

Hideaki Sorachi

Oh, you know what bloggers are like, they write and write and write. I don't know why, because they're not being paid.

Jon Ronson

He says he'd like to kiss the ground you walk on-reminds me, did you wash them yesterday?- and after that you're his skivvy.

Bertolt Brecht

If you call yourself an "authoress" on your Facebook profile, you suck at life. You are stupid and your children are ugly. It doesn't matter if you're just trying to be cute and original. You're not. You are about as original as all those other witless twits "writing" the one millionth shitty Fifty Shades clone. Or maybe you're trying to show your 2000 fake Facebook "friends" that you are an empowered feminist who will not stand for sexist terminology. But you're not showing people that you are fighting the good fight, you're showing people that you are a sheep, who's trying just a little too hard to ride the current wave of idiotic political correctness. The word "author" is no more gender-discrimination than the word "person." Do you call yourself a personess? No, of course not, because then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, "Hello, I'm a retard.

Oliver Markus

Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.

Shomprakash Sinha Roy

Probably your biggest mistake was doing funk-dance to Unchained Melody,” the dog offered earnestly. “It’s a ballad, Alf, and to be honest, it’s one of the slowest songs I can think of. You’d have been better off doing a slow waltz to something with that tempo. The other factor may have been the large amount of beer you consumed beforehand.

Mark Jackman

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

Mark Jackman

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen, when in an uncharacteristic error of judgement he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

Mark Jackman

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,” the inventor said. “The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

Mark Jackman

Many great people had been considered to be boring, like Nigel Mansell, but anyone who had read the racing driver’s autobiography, "Clutch Down, Dick Out", would know that perception was way off the mark.

Mark Jackman

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Humorous Quotes - Page 11

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