Humorous Quotes - Page 10

despair all ye mortals,” he said in a voice of doom. “the mama approacheth

I just want you to know,' said the girl, coldly, 'that whoever you are and whatever you intend with me, I shall give you no aid of any kind, nor shall I assist you, and I shall do whatever is in my power to frustrate your plans and devices.' And then she added, with feeling, 'Idiot.

A rainy day is like a lovely gift -- you can sleep late and not feel guilty.

Elizabeth Jane Howard

Holy paranormal activity, Nightingale - to the Jag mobile.

Ben Aaronovitch

I haven't devoured a soul in...What month is this? March?

To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German.

Emperor Charles V

A massage is just like a movie, really relaxing and a total escape, except in a massage you're the star. And you don't miss anything by falling asleep!

Elizabeth Jane Howard

I'm not lazy. I'm just really gifted, only instead of being good at music or math I'm good at sleeping late.

Elizabeth Jane Howard

Mad Rogan: "Resistance is futile."Nevada: "You are not assimilating me!

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Sam was waiting for her,his gaze sweeping over her. "Looks great." "I look like a geek," Lucy said. "I smell like a brewery. And I need a bra.""My dream date.

Forgive my asking you to use your mind. It is a thing which no novelist should expect of his reader...

- You gave me a dead frog for my birthday!- To remind you we all die and end up rotting underground eaten by maggots so we should enjoy our birthdays while we have them. I found it thoughtful.

The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped.

Amy Goldman Koss

I hope I know my own unworthiness, and that I hate and despise myself and all my fellow-creatures as every practicable Christian should.

Charles Dickens

A writing day is like any other day. Except I live in my pajamas, I forget to eat, and I suddenly look up, wondering when day turned into night.

A goatee is to beards what diamonds are to ornaments.

Many a time, you may not even have to speak, however difficult the situation; your goatee speaks for you.

It's a good thing, right, when an author gets turned on by the dirty scenes they write?!

Life's a crapshoot, Sam. At least you filled the cheap seats.

Robert Bruce Cormack

When life gives you lemons, find a friend whose life has given them tequila and have a party.

Nefertiti Faraj

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.

Stewart Lee Beck

The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club.

He didn't give a shit if Shakespeare didn't have glitter back in his day.

Tiffany Ferentini

Everyone loves a goddamned trainwreck, after all.

Thank God it wasn’t beef jerky, or I might’ve ended up dead." "The President's Neighbor" a comedy script by Brett Bacon.

Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.

Ifra Asad

He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,’ said the Runner. ‘I am here in the execution of my dooty.

Georgette Heyer

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. (Dark City Lights)

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights)

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.

Stephanie Bramson

The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)

I notice being noticed immediately – I’m a freeway goddess! In the past five minutes of gridlock, I have been checked out by a bald man in convertible Mustang, a cowboy in an F-150, and a body-builder in a Lincoln Navigator. Watch out road warriors! I don’t want to be responsible for any accidents. If only I had a car decal that advertised: Available – if you meet my eligibility criteria!

The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone.

I sneak quietly up the stairs and toward my door. It’s not very late, but I don’t want to arouse Cyclops Eye next door. I’ve stopped looking as I walk past, but it’s difficult not to notice her window open just a few inches and her sitting right next to it, ready at a moment’s notice to give me her big one-eyed look. Maybe I should get her a monocle for Christmas, so she can make more of a statement.

He stares at me, not saying a word. I stare right back, lost in his eyes and determined to get my point across. If he wants to have a staring contest, he’ll lose, hands down. I know a good thing when I see it.

I could feel the spring in my step as I walked up one flight of stairs from the parking garage into the company’s lobby. Although I wore my old blue suit, a remnant of all my previous job interviews, I felt the day had new possibilities. After all, I was interviewing at a company that made something I loved – movies!

Truth: last week I online shopped too much. Then I ate 2 pounds of jelly beans to feel better about that. In fact, while I was trying to read soul-nourishing things all I could think about was shopping and jellybeans. Points to the monkey mind.

Don't you understand how Cho's feeling at the moment?" [Hermione] asked."No," said Ron and Harry together.Hermione sighed and laid down her quill."Well, obviously, she's feeling very sad, because of Cedric dying. Then I expect she's feeling confused because she liked Cedric and now she likes Harry, and she can't work out who she likes best. Then she'll be feeling guilty, thinking it's an insult to Cedric's memory to be kissing Harry at all, and she'll be worrying about what everyone else might say about her if she starts going out with Harry. And she probably can't work out what her feelings toward Harry are anyway, because he was the one who was with Cedric when Cedric died, so that's all very mixed up and painful. Oh, and she's afraid she's going to be thrown off the Ravenclaw Quidditch team because she's been flying so badly."A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode.""Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," said Hermione nastily, picking up her her quill again.

It’s a vampire cabal and I’m feeling like the odd human out…or lunch.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?

Leonard Wibberley

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

Matshona Dhliwayo

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Today was the introduction, and introductions were important. The girl had to meet the boy in an equal setting – if they met any other way there’d always be a question about whether it was True Love or a more financially motivated desire that awakened the passions.

F.D. Lee

There exist no new mistakes anywhere. The same mistakes people committed are the same mistakes people are committing and the same mistakes shall people commit

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

if anyone comes into my domain without explicit permission, I’m going to impale you in a way that will give you the very best idea of what it feels like to be a corn dog.

My favorite quote in the world is this one.

Richelle E. Goodrich

Don't ignore me. I only get more annoying.

Richelle E. Goodrich

I bet she thought she was getting into a fight with a vanilla wafer on roller skates but little did she know she was getting into a fight with a spider sandwich.

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

It's more like how some people can't help but bring out the not necessarily righteous parts of your personality. Like how you meet someone and instantly know they're a full-time professional victim, and no matter how hard you try, something takes over and you can't help needling them.

A grayeyard is not a democracy, and yet death is the great democracy..

I am grateful for hands to tickle with. Not so grateful for that process in reverse, however.

Richelle E. Goodrich

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