Humorous Quotes

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

A secretary must think like a man act like a lady look like a girl and work like a dog.

Anonymous

Before I started working here I drank smoked and used bad language. Thanks to this job I now have good reason.

Anonymous

If you talk to God you are praying if God talks to you you have schizophrenia.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

B.I.B.L.E. = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

Anonymous

I didn't want to pray to God 'cause I didn't want him to know where I was.

My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.

Hal Roach

Leisure time is when your wife can't find you

Anonymous

Golf and sex: Two things you can really enjoy without being that good at them.

Anonymous

I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school everybody hated me.

Anonymous

There are no perfect people - except of course my wife's first husband.

Anonymous

Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

When people ask me if I have any spare change I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex she objects.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

My health is good it's my age that's bad.

Roy Acuff

He's so old his social security number is two digits.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

E. Joseph Cossman

She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.

Anonymous

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.

Anonymous

If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.

My wife loves Europe but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.

Jay Leno

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

It is possible to live in San Francisco for $35 000 a year. Obviously that doesn't include food or lodging.

Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger.

Anonymous

You’ve got to give the door something?’‘Yes,’ said Dumbledore. ‘Blood, if I am not much mistak

How bad could things be if my hair was neat?

The thought of my mother talking to me about sex makes me want to stab my eyes out with a fork, gouge even deeper and scramble my brains to prevent the conversation from ever happening.

Among wilderness survival tips, punching a wild animal in the face probably isn’t on a checklist.

I apply for a new job twice a week, every week. I am applying for the position of millionaire but so far my numbers haven't come up.

Are you on crack? Or did I take a righteous bong hit before coming here?

Charity knew she had to begin looking for a job soon. Definitely tomorrow, or the next day. Or perhaps the day after that. Charity didn't believe in procrastination. She just needed to plan her strategy. She was sound asleep on the sofa when Lady Margaret got back from London.

Elizabeth Jane Howard

Instead of hopping around like a wild in'jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot".

Sharks to not eat Chinese people because they get hungry thirty minutes later".

[Showing the apartment to Tiziano ]MARLEEN WALKER: “Let me alert you that animals are banned in this building.”TIZIANO CONTI: “Am I breaking the law right now?

I’m looking for mushrooms. Giant ones, specifically of the deadly poisonous variety.”“How come?”“Monday is Teacher Appreciation Day, and I was thinking of making a nice quiche for Miss Keener.

P.J. Bracegirdle

What's more, he was going to have a full American breakfast with bacon and eggs, none of this continental bullshit.

Gish Jen

When you fall asleep after a big lunch you're really just saving up energy to work off all the calories later on.

Elizabeth Jane Howard

If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century.""You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.

Stop crying. You're giving archangels everywhere a bad name.

Becca Fitzpatrick

Kope!” the other guy yeled. “What the frick?! You got some cheetah blood in you or what?”“Seriously!” insisted Blake. “How did you run so fast?”“I am African.” Without taking his eyes from mine, Kopano eased himself off me, and I sat up.

You would more probably have gone to the guillotine,' replied Sir Tristram, depressingly matter of

Georgette Heyer

Do you like him? Ty asked. "Not that I care." "I do," I said, because it was true. Even though it didn't matter anymore. "Not that I care you don't care. Though you clearly do care, and I don't care about that either." "Well, I don't care that you don't care that I don't care. In fact i'm glad. Because, um, if I were seeming someone that I liked, I'd want you to be happy for me.""Are you seeing someone?" I asked, pretty sure he wasn't. "Not that I care.

Sarah Rees Brennan

This country would get along much better if people learned how to suffer in silence.

I may not be perfect, but God knows I'm trying . . . and God knowing should count for something.

Karen E. Quinones Miller

When a guy says,'I'll call you,' and he doesn't say when-that means he won't call you." Kit pulled his phone out of his pocket and pressed a couple buttons. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I fished it out, smiling. "Madness," Kit whispered softly into his phone. "I meant I'd call you. This is me calling you.

Sarah Rees Brennan

Eternity is a ham and two people” (also given as “Eternity is two people and a ham") is an old quip from the days when a ham was huge—far more than two people could finish. Irma Rombauer mentions this line in her famous cookbook, The Joy of Cooking.

Macho and manly and stern and, oh man. Sam sighed. Guys like this were never gay. They were always the ones chasing the homos.

We need to mask your scent.” If stranger words had come out of his mouth, she hadn’t heard them. But then it clicked. “The thing can smell me.”And it did get a good whiff at the house

This book is visceral like how your small intestine is visceral

J.E. Duah

They want your sons.”“My–? But I don’t… ew!

Lena was going down the list of John's attributes in her mind, a list I was hoping wasn't too long. "He could see and hear and smell things I couldn't."Link inhaled deeply, then coughed. "Dude, you really need a shower.

But Vivien wasn't being given the chance to sow her wild oats. Speaking from a point of authority, it's best to get that shit out of the way when you are young.

Lisa Lutz

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer

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