Humorous Quotes

Charity knew she had to begin looking for a job soon. Definitely tomorrow, or the next day. Or perhaps the day after that. Charity didn't believe in procrastination. She just needed to plan her strategy. She was sound asleep on the sofa when Lady Margaret got back from London.

Elizabeth Jane Howard

The main difference between a lawyer and a prostitute is that a prostitute won't screw you after you're dead.

You want to grab something here, Brycin?” he asked, bending over again. Um . . . yeah. Your ass.

Stacey Marie Brown

Why does getting ahead always have to involve getting up early?

Elizabeth Jane Howard

You can't oversleep if you don't make plans to wake up early.

Elizabeth Jane Howard

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven't found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

I've found that all it usually takes to draw out an engineer is to ask a couple of technical questions and then remain calm while listening to the answers. Most people tend to take on a blank, frightened look as soon as they realize that a technical explanation is under way; if you can resist giving this reaction and simply listen, your engineer will open up and tell you everything you ever wanted to know.

Margaret Lazarus Dean

Just forget for a minute that you have spectacles on your nose and autumn in your heart. Stop being tough at your desk and stammering with timidity in the presence of people. Imagine for one second that you raise hell in public and stammer on paper. You’re a tiger, a lion, a cat. You spend a night with a Russian woman and leave her satisfied. You’re twenty five. If rings had been fastened to the earth and sky, you’d have seized them and pulled the sky down to earth

Noronha's Laws1. No man works harder than he must.2. The joy of living, lies in making little things big.3. Try never to do what you do not want to do. The secret of a happy old age is in never doing what you do not want to do.

C'mon. We can turn it into a fun game - What's Scarier, The Basement Or The Attic?

I could be a morning person -- but only if morning started at noon!

The Cubists are entitled to the serious attention of all who find enjoyment in the colored puzzle pictures of the Sunday newspapers. Of course there is no reason for choosing the cube as a symbol, except that it is probably less fitted than any other mathematical expression for any but the most formal decorative art. There is no reason why people should not call themselves Cubists, or Octagonists, or Parallelopipedonists, or Knights of the Isosceles Triangle, or Brothers of the Cosine, if they so desire; as expressing anything serious and permanent, one term is as fatuous as another.

Theodore Roosevelt

I'm not lazy. I'm just really gifted, only instead of being good at music or math I'm good at sleeping late.

Elizabeth Jane Howard

He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,’ said the Runner. ‘I am here in the execution of my dooty.

Georgette Heyer

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?

Leonard Wibberley

There exist no new mistakes anywhere. The same mistakes people committed are the same mistakes people are committing and the same mistakes shall people commit

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

If you call yourself an "authoress" on your Facebook profile, you suck at life. You are stupid and your children are ugly. It doesn't matter if you're just trying to be cute and original. You're not. You are about as original as all those other witless twits "writing" the one millionth shitty Fifty Shades clone. Or maybe you're trying to show your 2000 fake Facebook "friends" that you are an empowered feminist who will not stand for sexist terminology. But you're not showing people that you are fighting the good fight, you're showing people that you are a sheep, who's trying just a little too hard to ride the current wave of idiotic political correctness. The word "author" is no more gender-discrimination than the word "person." Do you call yourself a personess? No, of course not, because then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, "Hello, I'm a retard.

You'll let me put a total stranger's piss hose in my mouth while my knees scream in agony on the hard floor? Right here in from of everyone? Gosh, such a hard thing to pass up. But you know, I'd rather eat Ebola pudding than let your sad little dick near me." She wiggled her fingers as she slipped past him. "Toodles" Oh, he needed to tap that.

When reality and your dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs.

Ljupka Cvetanova

His boat sank. They were all on his side.

Ljupka Cvetanova

Of all the things in the world, I'm particularly amazed at, is the conviction with which the MIND, endorses an Idea, which is phenomenal, as it differentiates the Genius from Mediocre, or not to forget the human stupidity in particular!

Ramana Pemmaraju

Without hope we fail to exist.

Lailah Gifty Akita

And now that I have been scammed once, I felt like it could not happen to me again.

Vann Chow

Self-publishing a shitty book doesn't make you an author any more than singing in the shower makes you a rockstar or squeezing your pimple makes you a dermatologist.

Stop explaining to others, people will only understand from their level of discernment.

Abhysheq Shukla

All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The only real reason that some relationships and marriages have not yet been ended is because in each case one of the partners has not yet found their ideal partner or someone they love or at least like.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

After a certain point, all natural bodily changes are for the worst.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people would not have remained with their partners, if the unfortunate things that have happened to them had happened to their partners, or if the fortunate things that have happened to their partners had happened to them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people are each envious of the person they used to be.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We the living are to blame for the painfulness of being dead.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people wouldn’t still be sane, if they were not religious or superstitious; some wouldn’t be disabled or dead.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There probably was a time when the idea of having a toilet inside a house was repulsive.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There would be fewer absent fathers, if straight men were turned on only by women with whom they would not mind having children.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

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