Humorous Quotations Quotes

A bug lies in quiet repose;when he passed no one knows.Did he suffer, was he pained?Before he died, was knowledge gained?Were all life’s pressures much too great.To put upon so small a weight?Although not one for pessimism,I think he died of journalism!

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn't be! - Governor Dewar

MJL Evans and GM O'Connor

...there occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this:"He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute.

My mind ran over everything that had happened lately, and running on such thoughts made even my feet hurt.

He was king, if he didn’t have enemies he wasn’t doing it right.

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer.

Mita Jain

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt

Laurell K. Hamilton

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Weakness is weaker when discovered by others.

Mita Jain

So, your god is the only god? Okay, but then, so is my dog.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I love you as I do all - not at all.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Wisdom of the Ages: "Ferguson Riots" They were ready to tear America to shreds over their grief-right until the TV cameras left to cover the football games.

If you fall in love with a character, then you are actually falling in love with the author that wrote the character. Therefore, you could conclude that if you are said author, you are in love with yourself.

If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)

Observation:Thanks to technological advances, avid readers seem to be replacing DTBAD (Dead Tree Book Acquisition Disorder) with an alphabet soup of more more modern-day hoarding behaviors: EBAD (E-Book Acquistion Disorder), EGAD (Electronic Gadget Acquisition Disorder), and ABAD (Audiobook Acquisition Disorder). Of course, there's also MYBAD (Movie and YouTube Acquisition Disorder: the hoarding or obsessive viewing of digital films and videos, some based on books). If any of these syndromes describes you, take heart: there's probably an app for that! - 8/9/2013

Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Rainier" A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be featuring the Seattle Seahawks and Super Bowl Topics. Tomorrow's Topic: "Tom Brady's Balls.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.

Matthew D. Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Virtual Reality" A fairly plausible explanation for the abundance of Virtual People running around these days.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Unsuccessful pick-up lines" 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

Wisdom of the Ages: "National Symbol" With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Women" Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, "Strong women make strong men.

Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

Deep down, he's shallow.

The early bird gets the worm that should have slept in.

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

Stewart Lee Beck

Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?

Stewart Lee Beck

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

Stewart Lee Beck

When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.

Matshona Dhliwayo

A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.

Matshona Dhliwayo

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

Matshona Dhliwayo

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

Matshona Dhliwayo

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.

Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.

She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.

Stewart Lee Beck

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

Matshona Dhliwayo

The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

Matshona Dhliwayo

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Oh God, my stomach must have won a medal- it's doing a lap of honour now.

His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don’t—it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

God doesn't send atheists to Hell -- there's no room with all the Christians down there.

Quentin R. Bufogle

Raising a child is a time of RAPID CHANGE! From the ages of 0 to 19, a PARENT can age over 30 years!

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment.

Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren’t careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast.

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