Humor Quotes - Page 94

Am I on your walk of shame? You did sleep with the right MacGregor, didn’t you?

'Didn't realize Matty was so scary,' Chris said. 'She's maybe five two and can't make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison my coffee.' 'Sounds like someone I'd like to meet.'

Kim Fielding

One of these days, I would doubt the Gardeners a little too much and Zach was going to play handball with my head.

Aron Christensen

Nice work," I commented drily. "How old was that littlest one? Five? Did she put up a terrible fight?""I feared for my life," Zach said with a perfectly straight face. "You must be bored, Julia. You usually have a sharper sense of humor than that.""Eat thorns.""Well, it is about lunch time. Let's go grab a bite.

Erica Lindquist

You’re impossible.” I sighed. “And really weird. No wonder Jared likes you.”“Is that a good thing or not?”I shrugged. “You two have bittersweet panty-dropping connection.”“Gross.

Rea Lidde

you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose.

John Green

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

Ryan Lilly

Caitlyn (telling a story of her friend): So. [She] grew up and left Neverland for the distant planet called College...And made a bunch of new friends. So. There was the one guy who was there since the beginning basically...Zechariah: Since the beginning?

Zechariah Barrett

You should find something better to do with your time,” Mandy told him. “I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up.”“…Come again?” Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. “I take photographs and develop them myself, I’ve got my own darkroom… it was a joke,” Mandy laughed. “I love photography and I’m gonna be a photojournalist someday.”“Really?” Alecto asked. For the first time since she’d met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. “…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs, it’s fun.

Rebecca McNutt

I know this sounds very Neanderthal but I want a man that would just take me, ravage me, and do what he pleases with me. I frankly don’t care what he does or how he does it. I just want it to be fucktastic. I want some bodies slamming, head banging, and wild animalistic beastie craze sex. You Jane, me Tarzan kind of sex.

Dee Dinh

The thing about friends is, you never know when you might need them. It's always best to keep them imprisoned nearby.

Heidi Schulz

Get out of my chair, dillhole!

A.A. Milne

Some of our friends are our friends only because we used to be friends.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

He’s more how Satan would look if he needed to seduce you into drowning a baby.

Eve Dangerfield

Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve!

Mercedes Lackey

Bill was wrestling with his undercooked chicken. "Wow," I remarked while examining my own plate. "I don't think I can eat this." "I know. It's gross," he conceded. "But it's free, so I scarf down seconds each night." "As a dog returneth to his vomit," I said, while making the sign of the cross in the air in front of me. "Amen," he agreed with his mouth full, and toasted me with his 7Up can.

Hope Jahren

Aleks opened his mouth to reassure his friend when he heard something that chilled him to the bone.“Aleksander Aaron Arkadion! What in the hell is wrong with you! Why are you dragging that mangled corpse through town? You traumatized an entire first-grade class on a field trip to the town center,” Ma said, striding up to them pointing down to the body that Aleks still had a hold of.He looked down at the ankle he was holding.“Fuck my life.” Aleks looked behind his ma at the trail of blood heading back to the ice cream parlor.Liam laughed, his arms wrapped around his waist holding his sides.

Alanea Alder

I'd rather be a friendless loser than have a bunch of friends who secretly hated me. (spoken by Massie Block)

Lisi Harrison

If someone breaks your best friend's heart, you should break their face

Abby Shanley

I started to think of friends I could lean on for some help, but, as always happened when I attempted this kind of social audit, I realised that far too many of them were abroad, dead, married to people who disapproved of me, or weren't really my friends, now that I came to think of it.

Hugh Laurie

She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. "Vlad, no offense, but look at you. If you're not a vampire, you're clearly the most anemic goth I've ever seen."... "We believed you. Because that's what friends do."pg267 October to Vlad

Heather Brewer

As we reached the wooded hill that led to the pipe, Cheater said, "Uh-oh.""What's wrong?" I asked."Is anyone here thinking about kicking the crap out of me?" he asked."Not me," I said."Me either," Lucky said."Maybe tomorrow," Flinch told him. "But not at the moment." hidden talents

David Lubar

Watch over Honoria, will you? See that she doesn’t marry an idiot.

Julia Quinn

Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father, Father...' You don't talk to you friends like that. 'Ed, Ed, come over, Ed, Ed, Ed, you are, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, ooh, Ed, Ed, Ed' - he wouldn't be your friend anymore if you did that! Like, 'You keep saying Ed...my name's Joe!

Tim Hawkins

We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.

George W. Bush

You need a place just a click over middle range. Don’t want to go all-out first time, but you don’t want to run on the cheap either. You want atmosphere, but not stuffy. A nice established place.”“Bob, you’re going to give me an ulcer.”“This is all ammunition, Cart. All ammo. You want to be able to order a nice bottle of wine. Oh, and after dinner, if she says how she doesn’t want dessert, you suggest she pick one and you’ll split it. Women love that. Sharing dessert’s sexy. Do not go on and on about your job over dinner. Certain death. Get her to talk about hers, and what she likes to do. Then—”“Should I be writing this down?

Nora Roberts

Here's to our enduring sisterhood. May it bind us together more tightly that the Lycra in my Spanx underpants.

Susan McBride

That wasn't Josh Hartnett; that kid was eighteen years old," Kate said.I told you, they age slower out here. It's all the fresh California air," Val re

Julie James

I got bored," he says. "Besides, you know what's creepier than walking around your dead brothers' apartment? Sitting alone in a hearse in front of his apartment.

Holly Black

After an awkward pause, Bast extended his hand. Chronicler hesitated for a bare moment before reaching out quickly, as if he were sticking his hand into a fire. Nothing happened, both of them seemed moderately surprised."Amazing, isn't it?" Kvothe addressed them bitingly. "Five fingers and flesh with blood beneath. One could almost believe that on the other end of that hand lay a person of some sort.

Patrick Rothfuss

Friends don't menace friends with giant terrifying swords, okay?

Sarah Rees Brennan

I used to give X-ray vision a lot of thought because I couldn’t see how it could work. I mean, if you could see through people’s clothing, then surely you would also see through their skin and right into their bodies. You would see blood vessels, pulsing organs, food being digested and pushed through coils of bowel, and much else of a gross and undesirable nature. Even if you could somehow confine your X-rays to rosy epidermis, any body you gazed at wouldn’t be in an appealing natural state, but would be compressed and distorted by unseen foundation garments. The breasts, for one thing, would be oddly constrained and hefted, basketed within an unseen bra, rather than relaxed and nicely jiggly. It wouldn’t be satisfactory at all—or at least not nearly satisfactory enough. Which is why it was necessary to perfect ThunderVision™, a laserlike gaze that allowed me to strip away undergarments without damaging skin or outer clothing. That ThunderVision, stepped up a grade and focused more intensely, could also be used as a powerful weapon to vaporize irritating people was a pleasing but entirely incidental benefit.

Bill Bryson

That's Third Thoughts for you. When a huge rock is going to land on your head, they're the thoughts that think: Is that an igneous rock, such as granite, or is it sandstone?

Terry Pratchett

My imagination was running amok again. Twice in one night. This never happens when I’m sitting in front of a typewriter.

Gary Reilly

He imagines Owens' body dotted with saltwater reservoirs just below the skin. An entire wetland, populated with tiny fish and birds, thriving in his agitation. A species of dwarf crocodile lazing beside an artery.

Lisa Lang

In Ruth's view, they looked 'like a couple' because they seemed to possess some terrible secret between them - they appeared stricken with remorse when they saw her. Only a novelist could ever imagine such nonsense. (In part, it was because of her perverse ability to imagine anything that in this instance Ruth failed to imagine the obvious)

John Irving

People will say,"there's heaven and hell", and they take it so serious that they look so sorrowful with penitence. I would rather ask them to show me the route that leads to heaven or hell.

Michael Bassey Johnson

Writing a story is like ruling the world. Except it's even better. How many rulers out there that you know can tell people what they say?

VanillaCreamPie8888

Everything you can imagine,is real.

Sujayendra

Laughter and imagination can overcome any ill-felt sensations.

Stanley Victor Paskavich

She held up the pen and gave him a lazy grin. "It's a rose."He came close. "It's a pen." He tried to pluck it from her hand."You are seriously lacking in imagination.

Ronie Kendig

Why is it, I wonder, that Sigmar felt compelled to burden you with such poor imaginations? Very well. Judicate me, if you can.

David Guymer

Stab me if you can enjoy it - but not if it feels like a duty. Stab me vertically if I’m lying down and horizontally if I’m running

Steve Aylett

Do people ever climb the demon towers? Like, for any reason?" Aline looked up. "Climb the demon towers?" She laughed. "No, no one ever does that. It's totally illegal, for one thing, and besides, why would you want to?" Aline, Isabelle thought, did not have much imagination. She herself could think of lots of reasons why someone might want to climb the demon towers, if only to spit gum down on passerbys below.

Cassandra Clare

He was a glass half full kind of person and she was...what? The glass is going to break before you can even pour kind of person. Yikes.

Erin McCarthy

They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.""Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.""We need more special effects and dance numbers.

Bill Watterson

But who is ever fair in an argument?

A.B. Shepherd

Keep your head high and your skirt down.

Marie Rudisill

What doesn't kill you makes a good story.

Mary Morony

I don’t believe we should carry backupplans in life’s suitcase—they’re too easy to unpack like living a life in yoga pants, so comfortable our hips spreadinto new timezones...

Kelli Russell Agodon

What I have been asking myself for years is: WHY?!Why kill yourself in the gym? Why try to avoid a little bit of a gut? Why feel bad for eating half of a cake? This doesn’t mean that I killed somebody, plus I left the other half of the cake for tomorrow, I didn’t finish all of it!

Sara Anzellotti

Life is short unless agony is long.

Brian Spellman

If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

Brian Spellman

Nobody knows what is life and still alive

Rahul Bodkhe

Your smile can becomes a quote for a change

Mohammad Azeem

When life stops you making progress, don't see it as a step backwards.Think of it as doing the Moonwalk.

Ben Chapman

I'm a writer. I write stuff.

Kevin J.J. Carpenter

Hope is a cancer. One of two things happens. Either you never learn the truth, in which case it gnaws down to the bone until there's nothing left, or worse, you do, and you go through that windshield at ninety because hope told you it was okay to make the drive without a seat belt.

Matthew FitzSimmons

Similar to theory of relativity, view towards life changes with passage of time!

Malik Pommy

Tomorrow looked a lot better yesterday

Sabrina the Teenage Witch

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Humor Quotes - Page 94

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