Humor Quotes - Page 92

If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only people like stockbroker's do that, and then merely at dinner parties.
Oscar Wilde
I have a business appointment that I am anxious... to miss.
Oscar Wilde
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.
John M. Gottman
Men are most virile and attractive between the ages of 35 and 55. Under 35 a man has too much to learn, and I don't have time to teach him.
Hedy Lamarr
I have never seen a wrestling match or prize fight, and I don't want to. When I find out a man is interested in these sports, I drop him.
Hedy Lamarr
I think I know why you never married, Sarah.""Well, and I reckoned if I wanted something that'd come and go as he pleased, take me for granted, and ignore me when he chose, I'd get a cat. And if I wanted something I'd always have to be picking up after, getting into trouble, but slavishly devoted, I'd get a dog.
Mercedes Lackey
If he's like any other man I've ever met, it's not my smile he's going to be looking at.
Brad Thor
The wild women in his lap,' my father enthused, 'laying their breasts on his head.'There was a moment of stunned silence. Then my mother spoke slowly, with an edge to her voice. 'I think you mean "wild beasts laying their heads in his lap".''Do I?
Patrick Rothfuss
Seriously, Jack, I think you might be the only guy in this city who hasn’t read his stuff. Collin McCann is like the Carrie Bradshaw of Chicago men.”“You mean Terry Bradshaw,” Jack corrected.“No, Carrie,” Wilkins repeated. “You know, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sex and the City.”A silence fell over the room as Collin and Jack stared at Wilkins, seriously fearing for the fate of men.
Julie James
Quaint and picturesque, though I didn't voice my opinion out loud. Keirran and Annwyl were faeries, and Kenzie was a girl, so it was okay for them to notice such things. as a card-carrying guy club, I wasn't going to comment on the floral arrangements.
Julie Kagawa
When we first got married, we made a pact. It was this: In our life together, it was decided I would make all of the big decisions and my wife would make all of the little decisions. For fifty years, we have held true to that agreement. I believe that is the reason for the success in our marriage. However, the strange thing is that in fifty years, there hasn’t been one big decision.
Albert Einstein
Okay, guys. Stop it. Are you going to start peeing on me to mark your territory?
Maegan Lynn Moores
Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.
Bauvard
Men and the pursuit of them are strongly intertwined with my mental health. I would say, in my defensive defense, that the problem with being a serial monogamist is, there isn't anybody random or unimportant: everybody you sleep with really means something, which is to say each of them is on your public record. At some point I wake up thinking, Fuck this! I don't want another man in my bed ever again. What I really want is a cat.
Emma Forrest
In hindsight, I have no idea why he was ever with me. He thought highly of my breasts. And . . . that's it, I think.
Emma Forrest
It wasn’t because you weren’t beautiful, talented, funny, creative or had everything in common. It was because some men prefer plain vanilla ice cream. It’s predictable and a safe choice. Confident and adventurous men prefer the complexity and layers of a sundae, even the ones sprinkled with a little bit of nuts on top.
Shannon L. Alder
Chase? He actually said that to you?” She frowned. “Yes.” “When?” “When we were in bed.” “Great timing,” Dee muttered. “Just like a man. We’ll just file him away under D for dumb ass and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Or better yet, S for sicko.
Lindsey Brookes
They sounded like intestines, only on the outside, and the men in the Bible were always having them cut off and not being able to go to church. Horrid.
Jeanette Winterson
They are friends because they are both beautiful specimens of maledom.""Beautiful specimens of maledom?""That's right. And there are very few of those species in existence presently, so they need to stick together in order to survive.
Krista McGee
Don't get mad about the infestation of fleas if you keep shopping at the dog pound.
Valerie J. Lewis Coleman
Men are so easy to manipulate, poor things.
Elizabeth Peters
(On differences between men and boys) Men know what they want. Men make concrete plans. Men own alarm clocks. Men sleep on a mattress that isn't on the floor. Men tip generously. Men buy new shampoo instead of adding water to a nearly empty bottle of shampoo. Men go to the dentist. Men make reservations. Men go in for a kiss without giving you some long preamble about how they're thinking of kissing you. Men wear clothes that have never been worn by anyone else before.
Mindy Kaling
... Good gracious, Jerry, you'll probably have to marry the girl.'Joanna was half serious, half laughing.It was at that moment that I made a very important discovery.'Damn it all,' I said. 'I don't mind if I do. In fact - I should like it.'A very funny expression came over Joanna's face. She got up and said dryly, as she went toward the door, 'Yes, I've known that for some time...'She left me standing, glass in hand, aghast at my new discovery.
Agatha Christie
Stop looking for your better half! You need to be whole to attract your better whole, if you expect to have a flourishing relationship.
Valerie J. Lewis Coleman
If you only attract Mr. Wrong or Ms. Crazy, evaluate the common thread in this diversity of people: YOU!
Valerie J. Lewis Coleman
It was a needless precaution, I felt sure, but men always enjoy marching around with weapons and flexing their figurative muscles, and I saw no reason to deny them this harmless exercise.
Elizabeth Peters
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man".
Russell Beland
A pair of great heels was much more satisfying than a man. They lasted longer, and better yet, they didn’t leave me for someone prettier.
Cindi Madsen
He then departed, to make himself still more interesting, in the midst of an heavy rain.
Jane Austen
A domesticated man makes my lady parts beep!
Tanya Masse
Love Is How You How You Dress
Maurys Gaucho
A Beautiful Woman Is A Baggage. Thank God Yours Is A Suit Case
Maurys Gaucho
Penn is the brains behind this event. On behalf of my brothers, and all of the kids in the program, I’d like to say thank you.” Neil winked. “It seems that the four of us just can’t function without a strong, focused woman telling us what to do.
Gina Gordon
The massive lump of flesh that has created you, me, and maybe, animals, everything that has life will forever live.
Michael Bassey Johnson
Love Is How You Dress
Maurys Gaucho
The men had scattered in all directions, which men are inclined to do when women leave them to their own devices for any length of time. I believe they are easily bored.
Elizabeth Peters
Emerson has what I believe is called a selective memory. He can recall minute details of particular excavations but is likely to forget where he left his hat.
Elizabeth Peters
Men like to create unnecessary organizations and give them impressive or mysterious names; this usually ends in increased confusion, and should therefore be ignored.
Elizabeth Peters
If asked for an opinion we’ll say what we think. And by “what we think” I mean the answer that comes to our mind first, seems most logical and requires the least amount of effort to articulate, while getting us in the least amount of trouble. Really that’s what our communication boils down to.
Aaron Blaylock
...the word “fine”. As in “I’m fine”, “it’s fine”, “that looks fine”, etc. For a man the word fine has, tops, three or four meanings and that’s only because of the fairly recent edition of “Dang, girl! You look fine!” Otherwise “fine” would range somewhere between satisfactory and of superior quality. For a woman the word “fine” has like seventy meanings and depending on voice inflexion can actually mean ‘If I’m questioned again I’ll stab you in your sleep’.
Aaron Blaylock
Finding a proper husband is rather like selecting a hound. They all have more bark than bite, my girl. One day you'll look across the breakfast table and realize the only option is obedience training. -Grandmamma Holmes
Emma Jane Holloway
I see why our little Braith likes you.”“Does she?”“Can’t you tell?”“I’m male. I have no idea what you females are thinking.
G.A. Aiken
Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy
Josh Stern
I had a dream that boys would act like men for once…then I woke up.
Starley Ard
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.
o.henry
I had a dream about you last night. You set a timer on in the bathroom to prove how long it takes me to get ready. So I shaved your legs, made up your face and gave you lashes. An hour later you thanked God for not making you a woman.
Crystal Woods
Women divided by ego and united by gossip ,Men divided by women and united by beer
Yash Gupta
The higher the testosterone, the lower the maturity level.
Jennifer DeCuir
No man can ever admire a woman the way she admires herself.
Meeta Ahluwalia
If you have to worry about a man, he's not worth worrying about.
Bill Mego
Can't we make a blusterer ourselves? asked Jón Hreggviðsson. Can't we scratch that damned sign with the ax-point onto the chopping block and get a beautiful, chubby woman in here tonight, right now-or preferably three? It was no easy matter to create such a sign, because in order to do so the two men required much greater access to the animal kingdom and the forces of nature than conditions in the dungeon permitted. The sign of the Blusterer is inscribed with a raven's gall on the rust-brown inner side of a bitch's skin, and afterward blood is sprinkled over the skin - blood from a black tomcat whose neck has been cut under a full moon by an unspoiled maiden. Where'd you find an unspoiled maiden to cut a black tomcat's neck asked Jón Hreggviðsson.
Halldór Laxness
At twenty years old, Michael had vague plans to make changes in his life, but turning blue whilst stood in a walk-in bath in an old people's home wasn't one of them. Usually boys of his age might consider changes along the lines of smoking less grass at home, at college or at work, to be a good idea. Or maybe spending less time on that solitary pursuit common to men of his age across the globe. Enjoyable though he found it, he was going to cut back on the procrastination, but that was going to have to wait.
Dylan Perry
But what's the use of arguing with a man? You belong, Mr. Smith, to a sex devoid of a sense of logic. To bring a man into line, there are just two methods: one must either coax or be disagreeable. I scorn to coax men for what I wish. Therefore, I must be disagreeable.
Jean Webster
Men. They don't ask for directions, but they'll ask a demon for a favor.-Nina
Karen Greco
The Fool held his breath. On long nights on the hard flagstones he had dreamed of women like her. Although, if he really thought about it, not much like her; they were better endowed around the chest, their noses weren’t so red and pointed, and their hair tended to flow more. But the Fool’s libido was bright enough to tell the difference between the impossible and the conceivably attainable, and hurriedly cut in some filter circuits.
Terry Pratchett
I'm going to treat myself to one of these as a reward for not knocking himself unconscious with a skillet.
Nora Roberts
It's because his wife left him. That's why he's acting funny. She left him the other night. While she was putting her bags into the taxi he was outside on the footpath begging her to stay. On his knees! Why are men so embarrassing?Bev
Louis Nowra
A bit of sniffles and men are more work than a brood of babies.
Nora Roberts
The words, I love you, are empty without clarification. Women prefer to be told what they can expect. It is measurable like a Weight Watcher’s diet, with extra points at the end of the week if you don’t cheat.
Shannon L. Alder
There was so much testosterone in the air, I felt like I needed a gas mask.
Richelle Mead

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