Humor Quotes - Page 87

Debt is always negative, no matter how positively you try to look at it. The “minus” sign in front of your bank balance is a dead giveaway, despite what you might think about leveraging or whatever. It’s even worse when it’s a credit card or a student loan, and you can’t even remember what you’ve bought or learned with it. Sure, the minimum repayments will eventually cancel it out, but by that time you will most likely have dentures and be peeing anywhere you damn well please.

Ana Spoke

To each his own, I supposed, and I had more important things, like my impending death, to worry about.

Sage Kafsky

Wilbur looked at the list glumly. "Are you sure you need all this stuff?""Yep.""The ax?""The ax is critical.""The c

Ursula Vernon

This is the Rock, sweetheart,” the owner added. “There’s no tragedy you can’t profit from.

Henry Mosquera

There’s no tragedy you can’t profit from.

Henry Mosquera

The only thing altruism will get you here is a boot stomping on your head.

Henry Mosquera

May they run free forever and grow back their limbs!

Henry Mosquera

I don't have a command for 'stop wagging your tail'.

Elle Saverini

Yes, I could stop writing... But only after I shoot myself.

David Lucero

For white people, nothing makes them appreciate the gift of life more than voluntarily trying to end it.

Christian Lander

Give to the world the best you have and the best will come back to you.

Myrna Ericksen

They hammered on the outer gate and called, but there was at first no answer; and then to their surprise someone blew a horn, and the lights in the windows went out. A voice shouted in the dark: 'Who's that? Be off! You can't come in. Can't you read the notice: No admittance between sundown and sunrise?' 'Of course we can't read the notice in the dark,' Sam shouted back. 'And if hobbits of the Shire are to be kept out in the wet on a night like this, I'll tear down your notice when I find it.

J.R.R. Tolkien

Make everything an adventure. Otherwise, it will suck.

Nita Morgan

I am Orafoura, but you can call me Jarod Kintz. I’m fairly proud to proclaim that Dora J. Arod has me on her short list of “World’s worst writers.” The list couldn’t get any shorter, because I’m the only name on it. I should tell her to stop calling it a list, and change the title to “World’s worst writer.” If you’re wondering why I rate all my work one star, it’s because the rating system doesn’t have a zero star option, or better yet, go into negative numbers.

Orafoura

I don't know why anyone would be scared of a homeless person. The truly scary people are all the murder mystery writers. They spend all day thinking of the perfect plot on how to kill someone and get away with it.

Shannon L. Alder

...hanging out does not make one an artist. A secondhand wardrobe does not make one an artist. Neither do a hair-trigger temper, melancholic nature, propensity for tears, hating your parents, nor even HIV - I hate to say it - none of these make one an artist. They can help, but just as being gay does not make one witty (you can suck a mile of cock, as my friend Sarah Thyre puts it, it still won't make you Oscar Wilde, believe me), the only thing that makes one an artist is making art. And that requires the precise opposite of hanging out; a deeply lonely and unglamorous task of tolerating oneself long enough to push something out.

David Rakoff

Writing isn’t necessarily a gift it is a passion. You can write a one page masterpiece to 99 pages of crap. What keeps you coming back is that Zen moment when you enlightened your own self with a few cleverly arranged words and saved yourself a $200 trip to the shrink, by simply buying a #2 pencil.

Shannon L. Alder

To call yourself an author takes publishing one book. To call yourself an inspirational author is the work of a lifetime that requires being constantly kicked in the stomach, only to get back up on your feet and show the world how you survived it each time.

Shannon L. Alder

A writer’s brain is full of little gifts, like a piñata at a birthday party. It’s also full of demons, like a piñata at a birthday party in a mental hospital. The truth is, it’s demons that keep a tortured writer’s spirit alive, not Tootsie Rolls. Sure they’ll give you a tiny burst of energy, but they won’t do squat for your writing. So treat your demons with the respect they deserve, and with enough prescriptions to keep you wearing pants.

Colin Nissan

There are certain common privileges of a writer, the benefit whereof Ihope there will be no reason to doubt; particularly, that where I am notunderstood, it shall be concluded that something very useful and profoundis couched underneath; and again, that whatever word or sentenceis printed in a different character shall be judged to contain somethingextraordinary either of wit or sublime.

Jonathan Swift

Don’t ever trust anyone who’s writing a book. They make up lies for a living.

Rosemary Clement-Moore

I sometimes think if I did not write I would be a madwoman. Now I am a sane woman with a lot of mad pages.

Kendall Hailey

Assuming what people want is about as controlled as using fireworks to start a fire.

Criss Jami

Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them

Josh Stern

(…) my money guy Richard is going without a tie now, like a politician who wants to appeal to the suffering common man (or perhaps every morning his firm takes the ties and shoelaces away from the brokers and financial planners to keep them from offing themselves)

Jess Walter

Get real. They’ll try to kill us no matter what. I can find out how to open the files from Mickey. You may be impressed with this genius shit but you should really find out what a mess his head is. The right drugs, he’ll cut his own throat and forget why he’s bleeding." That was an interesting choice of metaphor.

Dan Ahearn

I would have killed myself years ago if it weren't for the fact that I’m pretty sure death is the only thing more terrible than life.

Alex Sargeant

If your success is not amazing to your critics, it disturbs, infuriates, and frustrates them, and if they're not careful; may go hang themselves and go to hell.

Michael Bassey Johnson

Camus said there is only really one serious philosophical question, which is whether or not to commit suicide. I think there are four or five serious philosophical questions:The first one is: Who started it?The second is: Are we going to make it?The third is: Where are we going to put it?The fourth is: Who's going to clean up?And the fifth: Is it serious?Out Of Your Mind (2004), Audio lecture 1: The Nature of Consciousness: A Game That's Worth The Candle.

Alan W. Watts

It is customary, in England at least, for Coroners' courts to give the verdict 'Suicide while the balance of his mind was disturbed'. This insult automatically puts the victim in the wrong and reassures Society that all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. Have you ever noticed that Socialist governments have a particular horror of the individual's suicide? It is a direct criticism of their basic tenets.

Nanavira Thera

Talking of suicide, it is perhaps noteworthy that both of Dostoievsky's characters kill themselves: Stavrogin out of indifference and self disgust; Kirilov, after years of planning the gesture, in order to demonstrate to mankind that there is no God and that men are free to do as they please. My suicide will be less didactic.

Nanavira Thera

It was suicide, wasn't it?""In an involuntary sort of way," said Vorob'yev. "These Cetagandan political suicides can get awfully messy, when the principal won't cooperate.""Thirty-two stab wounds in the back, worst case of suicide they ever saw?" murmured Ivan, clearly fascinated by the gossip."Exactly, my lord.

Lois McMaster Bujold

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It's really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself.

Will Christopher Baer

Never second guess yourself. Or do, maybe. Whatever you feel good about.

Dan Florence

I don’t even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.

Shannon L. Alder

It's not that I can't express myself,it's that I still feel present when I'm not expressing myself.

Kim Myungsoo

Be confident because the odds are in your favor.' He clears his throat, like talking this much hurts him. 'Not because you're a special snowflake.

Hannah Moskowitz

Some women are built by the fire. Yet, there are some that are the FIRE!

Shannon L. Alder

Never speak unless you can improve upon the stupidness of people's silence.

Shannon L. Alder

In life we have our trophy people. These are the ones we work hard for, we are proud of. We want to show them off to our family, our friends, we want them on our arm at company functions. We take pictures with them to let everyone know we feel like a winner and we are happy.Then you have your participation ribbons, the ribbons you get just for simply showing up. You didn't have to earn it, it was just given to you. These things usually end up in a drawer somewhere, maybe you pick them up again when you are bored and say "that was a fun night, I wonder if they are still handing out these things?" but you don't tell people about it, nothing to be proud of.

Brittany Williams

I don't mind people talking about me behind my back. It means they know me, and I'm out in front.

David Lucero

He just wasn’t into flaunting his awesomeness, but sometimes a person’s awesomeness simply flaunts itself, even when you politely ask it not to.

Sage Steadman

I don't get it. I'm sexually attractive to a remarkable degree-""And humble.""It's not bragging if it's true. And I'm his-which means, this is in the bag. Or should be.

Kresley Cole

At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control

Josh Stern

Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the Midol.

Denise Jaden

Nothing builds confidence like live ammo.

Tim Dorsey

He thinks himself rather an exceptional young man, thoroughly sophisticated, well adjusted to his environment, and somewhat more significant than any one else he knows.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Once past the comfort zone in either direction, humans soon lost the ability to discriminate bad from worse.

Roger Zelazny

A woman without a past is like a fruitcake without brandy—insipid!

Nancy Atherton

Why are we learning about the past, when this is History?

Galinda Glinda

That's when it hit me. I had to go through a lot of bad relationships first, but I'd finally found him. My very own Prince Charming. Turns out they do exist.Touché, Cinderella. Touché.

Cindi Madsen

If you're stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

Josh Stern

It’s not easy remembering the good times.

Cecelia Ahern

I naively believe that self-love is 80 percent of the solution, that it helps beyond words to take yourself through the day as you would with your most beloved mental-patient relative, with great humor and lots of small treats.

Anne Lamott

When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.

Rosen Trevithick

I realized that I was okay with myself. I was quirky and withdrawn and loud, but I liked that. I smiled at strangers without thinking they were going to attack me and drag me into their cars. I went to doctors’ offices and touched magazines that had been touched by sick people.

Anna White

If you're stressing over happiness, you're doing it wrong!

Shannon L. Alder

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

Heather Hill

I’m creating a self help show called Self Talk. I’ll insult myself for an hour then open phone lines to a fitness coach & my mother-in-law.

Ryan Lilly

If I had a daughter, here's what I'd tell her: One day, when you've worked hard for what you want, when people see that you are confident and intelligent and that you recognize your own self-worth, when you take care of yourself, support yourself, and stand up for yourself, that is the day that the world will call you "a cruel and selfish bitch." It's a tough title to earn and you should be and proud of it.

Patricia V. Davis

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Humor Quotes - Page 87

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