Humor Quotes - Page 78

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?

Jim Gaffigan

We’re gonna do like Posh and Becks and call it after the place it was conceived.”“Where’s that?” I asked.“King of Prussia.

Henry G. Radcliff

When a child reaches puberty, parents become so curious about their sex lives and whereabouts, put them behind bars to their own detriment. When such a child breaks free, don't be surprised to see him/her in porn movies.

Michael Bassey Johnson

When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.

Jim Gaffigan

I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them.

Jim Gaffigan

He was afraid to pick up the baby. If he touched it, it might bond with him or something. Or he might leave fingerprints all over it.

Judith Arnold

If you raise a daughter to be both independent and an excellent marksman, you have to accept the fact that your control over her actions is at an end.

Martha Wells

too much alcohol hampers people's ability to parent. That's why I've chosen to remain childless.

Kyra Davis

Maggie had learned a long time ago that each day with a child was filled with two kinds of battles: those that won the war, and those that did not.

Sydney Strand

If your kids are the generation Y there are only two things you parents are worried about..What your daughters are uploading on the internet and what your sons are downloading from the internet

Joshua Siranjofu

Over time, parents have barnacled the most routine activities in infancy with their own preoccupations. It's sometimes hard to see the baby for all the barnacles.

Nicholas Day

There are many things the Chinese do differently from Westerners. There’s the question of extra credit, for example. One time, Lulu came home and told me about a math test she’d just taken. She said she thought it had gone extremely well, which is why she didn’t feel the need to do the extra-credit problems.I was speechless for a second, uncomprehending. “Why not?” I asked. “Why didn’t you do them?”“I didn’t want to miss recess.”A fundamental tenet of being Chinese is that you always do all of the extra credit all of the time.“Why?” asked Lulu, when I explained this to her.For me this was like asking why I should breathe.“None of my friends do it,” Lulu added.“That’s not true,” I said. “I’m 100% sure that Amy and Junno did the extra credit.” Amy and Junno were the Asian kids in Lulu’s class. And I was right about them; Lulu admitted it.“But Rashad and Ian did the extra credit too, and they’re not Asian,” she added.“Aha! So many of your friends did do the extra credit! And I didn’t say only Asians do extra credit. Anyone with good parents knows you have to do the extra credit. I’m in shock, Lulu. What will the teacher think of you? You went to recess instead of doing extra credit?” I was almost in tears. “Extra credit is not extra. It’s just credit. It’s what separates the good students from the bad students.""Aww - recess is so fun," Lulu offered as her final sally. But after that, Lulu, like Sophia. always did the extra credit. Sometimes the girls got more points on extra credit than on the test itself - an absurdity that would never happen in China. Extra credit is one reason that Asian kids get such notoriously good grades in the United States.Rote drilling is another. Once Sophia came in second on a multiplication speed test, which her fifth grade teacher administered every Friday. She lost to a Korean boy named Yoon-seok. Over the next week, I made Sophia do twenty practice tests (of 100 problems each) every night, with me clocking her with a stopwatch. After that, she came in first every time. Poor Yoon-seok. He went back to Korea with his family, but probably not because of the speed test.

Amy Chua

Like I tell our kids, 'Your Mom isn't always right and I'm not always right. But together, WE'RE ALWAYS right!

J. Thomas Steele

But my personal favorite words of wisdom came from Gulley during the last thirty minutes of the trip, when she broke up a backseat scuffle by declaring, 'When you lick the person sitting next to you, there's a good chance you're going to get punched.'I believe the only reason that gem is missing from the book of Proverbs is because Solomon must never have traveled with three kids in the back of his chariot.

Melanie Shankle

You and Dad are really the wrecking ball of all of our teenage runaway fantasies. Why couldn't you jerks go and be crack addicts or religious fanatics so we could have excuses to live on the wide open road? - email from Lily

Candace Allan

I need to work on developing a new, less irritable personality. though I suspect that an empty nest would be at least a partial cure, today I resorted to substance abuse.

Eloisa James

I know my kids will be incredible, just not as great as me.

A.D. Aliwat

My rugrats give me gifts that say "#1 Mom" on them and I'm like, bwhahahahaha, joke's on you, I'm more like the #1,297,279 Mom. But they truly think I'm the best mom on earth. And that's all that matters.

Karen Alpert

Looking with his eyes? Seriously? What else would he look around with?”Trish nonchalantly uses her middle finger to scratch her temple. “Toddlers learn by making connections between the body part and the action.”Vince blinks. “Oh, so talking to a kid like that’s normal?” “Someday I hope to have a conversation where I don’t sound like a character from Star Wars.”“I can see how you’d look forward to that.

Jess Molly Brown

Why did you throw sand when I just told you not to?"What child says, "Hmm, why did I? I guess there's no good reason. Thanks for pointing that out. It won't happen again.

Joanna Faber

Emma, okay, enough with the singing. Mommy's getting a three-pill headache.

Jeff Abbott

Mothering Oxymoron: Reminding the kids to not talk with food in their mouths, yet I have food in my mouth while trying to correct them in the moment.

Mommy Moo Moo

Don't even think abou

Jennifer Crusie

. . . Mrs. Lambchop sighed and shook her head. "You're at the office all day, having fun," she said. "You don't realize what I go through with the boys. They're very difficult."Kids are like that," Mr. Lambchop said. "Phases. Be patient, dear.

Jeff Brown

Jumping, waving arms, cheering, laughing, head-butting him in the groin, an unfortunate ritual in the Tanner home, very much unappreciated by Jim, but tolerated for the sake of the children, Grace, Bobby and Steven joined Jason next to their father.

Mike Jackson

I'm also discovering that while they seem to believe that I do not require sleep, my husband (who also doubles as their father) has the ability to morph into an invisible and supremely evasive nocturnal being, with powers so stealthy as to evade capture by the aliens [children] that had invaded our once peaceful and quiet habitat [bedroom at night].

Dallas Louis

*marissa tries to get her single, working mother's attention by suggesting something outrageous, to which mom replies:*'You're a smart girl. Use your head and avoid any guy who reminds you of your father.

Camille Pagán

This is why we can't have nice things...

Madge Madigan

Fifteen minutes later, Betsy came thundering down the stairs. "I'm going to the mall with Sierra to see a movie."Michael leaned forward, switched off the television. "Can you please rephrase that in the form of a question?""Sure. Can I have some money?

Kristin Hannah

And have your mother put my head on a stake? Do you have any notion what that would do to my handsome good looks?

Catherine Gilbert Murdock

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

Erma Bombeck

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?

Neil Gaiman

Ignorance is not linear, it's exponential.

Spuds Crawford

On the other hand, when you grow up you will discover that some of the people in this world never passed beyond the stage of the cave-man.

Hendrik Willem van Loon

I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.

Bill Maher

I’m now ‘Doctor’ to the patients and I have to cover my ignorance by waving my arms and looking grave.

Howard Florey

I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.

Bill Maher

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

Josh Stern

I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.

Philip Plait

Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity

Josh Stern

We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.

Russell Brand

When you are being judged by someone that has no idea who you are always remember this: Dogs always bark at strangers and usually there is always some wacko neighbor that wants to try out their new gun on an intruder.

Shannon L. Alder

Knowledge is a rope, and you're weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy.

Nenia Campbell

A blind ingenuity goes nowhere

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

It is only when the mirror has not spoken to Chimpanzee in a plain language that it thinks it looks more better than the Gorilla

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

He who loves lies suffers from no disease than lies! He who believes in and acts upon lies suffers from no disease than ignorance!

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

Now then, Mr. Crab," said the zebra, "here are the people I told you about; and they know more than you do, who live in a pool, and more than I do, who live in a forest. For they have been travelers all over the world, and know every part of it.""There's more of the world than Oz," declared the crab, in a stubborn voice."That is true," said Dorothy; "but I used to live in Kansas, in the United States, and I've been to California and to Australia--and so has Uncle Henry.""For my part," added the Shaggy Man, "I've been to Mexico and Boston and many other foreign countries.""And I," said the Wizard, "have been to Europe and Ireland.""So you see," continued the zebra, addressing the crab, "here are people of real consequence, who know what they are talking about.

L. Frank Baum

On the Kite, the situation was being 'workshopped'. This is the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance.

Terry Pratchett

Bhutan does seem a bit unreal at times. Hardly anybody in the U.S. knows where it is. I have friends who still think the entire country is a figment of my imagination. When I was getting ready to move there, and I told people I was going to work in Bhutan, they'd inevitably ask, "Where's Butane?"It is near Africa," I'd answer, to throw them off the trail. "It's where all the disposable lighters come from."They'd nod in understanding.

Linda Leaming

Whoever said ignorance is bliss must have died a horrible death with a really surprised look on his face.

Lisa Shearin

Irony is just honesty with the volume cranked up.

George Saunders

The day my mother gave us the keys, she also made me and Greta sign a form so that the bank knew our signatures. To get in we had to show our key and sign something so they would know it was really us. I was worried that my signature wouldn't look the same. I wasn't sure when that thing would happen that made it so you always signed your name exactly the same, but it hadn't happened to me yet. So far I'd only had to sign something three times. Once for a code of conduct for the eighth grade field trip to Philadelphia, once for a pact I made with Beans and Frances Wykoski in fifth grade that we'd never have boyfriends until high school. (Of the three of us, I'm the only one who kept that pact.)

Carol Rifka Brunt

Between video games and texting, how do our youth find the time to know everything?

L.M. Fields

People seem to overlook an old man losing his mind if he occasionally made light of it.

Marissa Meyer

Oh, yes he does. He's a scientist, and they know everything. Religion is crap," declared Listen."You're the most obnoxious little brat I've ever met.""Both of you be quiet,

Nancy Farmer

The truth is like sunlight: It causes cancer.

J. Richard Singleton

As far as I know, I'm the most honest person I’ve met in this life.

Pat R

Sure, I liked girls but I was always too terrified to speak to them unless we were arguing or I was calling them stupidos, which was one of my favorite words that year.

Junot Díaz

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Humor Quotes - Page 78

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