Humor Quotes - Page 70

[Truman] didn’t want to fight the guy, whatever he was—alien, vampyr or douchebag.

J. Richard Singleton

At least that left hope for him. Except "Beauty and the Geek" wasn’t exactly the proper translation of the popular fairy tale.

This was sharing office space with wacko and bordering on ludicrous.

Demons were all about ego, which meant that most demons had some kind of title. I think it made them feel better about their tiny…pitchforks.

Ghost Hampton" took me years to write -- but it won't take you that long to read!

You think us fairies don’t understand sarcasm? We invented sarcasm.

Herbs, vials, and crap," I grumble. "Where are the massive weapons and spirit fighting spears?" "So impatient," Cooper says, mocking, and goes to pick up a tube filled with powder. "You know, these herbs and vials and crap are important.""Yes, because crap always sounds necessary.

I stared. "Canadian Satanists? You're sending me to a group of Canadian Satanists?

This is the moment I have dreaded, the very reason why we kept running, even when it seemed hopeless. We all seemed to believe if we kept running, we would never die. But what exactly had we been hoping to find in the end? A magical place where the infection hadn't spread? A castle surrounded by gumdrops and cotton candy?

Taking a deep breath that smelled of rain, she was poised to move when a hand clasped her elbow. Memories of another hand grabbing her sent panic shooting through her veins.She swung around."Whoa. You okay?" Lucas lightened his clasp around her arm.Kylie caught her breath and stared up at the werewolf's blue eyes. "Yeah. You just...surprised me. You need to whistle when you come up on me.

Let me get this straight. you want me to go stomping through a graveyard brandishing a bottle of booze to rouse an unrestful spirit so that I can interrogate him?" - Cat to Bones

This isn't television! This isn't a movie! Giles and Buffy aren't gonna appear and show us how to deal with our wonderful new powers! Some fricking owl isn't gonna come sailing in through your window from Hogwarts! There's no Dumbledore! The Cullens aren't gonna show up and invite you to live with them in Forks! There's nothing! This isn't make believe! This is it! It's us and only us.

The little weasel ripped all the buttons off my couch.Ivan Petrovsky, pg 350

Kerrelyn Sparks

Jason is explaining the ins and outs of being a bird shifter to Merry.She says:"Sheesh. Okay, I think I only have one more ques

Hey, would you look at that shit?"I turned on my heel. The patrons who’d fled at the first hint of trouble had come back and were enjoying the spectacle."Clear out!" I barked.They paid me no mind. Asshole innocent bystanders.

This letter is written on the skin of one of the water sprites who drowned your parents.''Ick!' I cried, and dropped the letter on the kitchen table.

Charlaine Harris

Honey, that man would do anything to keep you. Lie, steal, cheat, kill, clean up after himself, and do laundry.

They told me that nothing was a sin, just a poor life choice. Poor impulse control. That nothing is evil. Any concept of right versus wrong, according to them, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. They said that if anything should force us to modify our personal behavior it should be our allegiance to a social contract, not some vague, externally imposed threat of flaming punishment.

Chuck Palahniuk

If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Well, Hell was worse, of course, by definition. But Crowley remembered what Heaven was like, and it had quite a few things in common with Hell. You couldn’t get a decent drink in either of them, for a start. And the boredom you got in Heaven was almost as bad as the excitement you got in Hell.

Terry Pratchett

‪Am I dead? Is this heaven? No, I can't be. I'm realizing this as I process my second sensation: discomfort. I turn my head. Ooh, a TV. Maybe it is heaven.

It's okay to laugh, you know. The earth's not going to split open. You're not going to hell. Believe me. If there's a hell, I'll be there ahead of you, and they'll be too busy with me to even check you in.

If there's no chocolate in Heaven, I'm not going.

Heaven has no taste.""Now-""And not one single sushi restaurant."A look of pain crossed the angel's suddenly very serious face.

Terry Pratchett

Why does that kid think so highly of himself?""Kids that think they're so smart.They're everywhere! Destroy is self-esteem!""Yes...I really do think highly of myself.People like me should get a taste of the ups and downs of life! Sorry I'm so envious.I will reflect upon this. Please don't be angry."Ah..um..""There, I said it now. Are you satisfied?" ........"Bye

All of us are in the manufacturing industry - manufacturing either our own happiness or unhappiness.

Ogwo David Emenike

Choose life, choose to be happy and make somebody smile.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

Kasey Collin P. Dumdum

Tatiana hugged him and said, “And here’s mine: ‘Honey, what do you prefer—my beautiful body or my beautiful face?’” “Your sense of humor,” returned Alexander, holding her to him until she couldn’t breathe.

Paullina Simons

Be happy, be fun, let your hair down and be AGELESS!

I crack jokes and do silly things not so that people laugh on me but because of me.

Aashutosh Murthy

Hapi?" I asked."Why, yes, I am happy!" Hapi beamed. "I'm always happy because I'm Hapi! Are you happy?"Zia frowned up at the giant. "Does he have to be so big?"The god laughed. Immediately he shrank down to human size, though the crazy cheerful look on his face was still pretty unnerving."Oh, Setne!" Hapi chuckled and pushed the ghost playfully. "I hate this guy. Absolutely despise him!"Hapi's smile became painfully wide. "I'd love to rip off your arms and legs, Setne. That would be amazing!"Setne ... drifted a little farther away from the smiling god."Oh!" Hapi clapped excitedly. "The world is going to end tomorrow. I forgot!""You'd never get to Memphis without my help. You'd get torn into a million pieces!"He seemed genuinely pleased to share that news.

Someone asked me when is my birthday?The poet inside me replied,"My birthday is on the last day of the year,It's 31st December my dear!

One: Don't play leapfrog with elephants.Two: Don't pet a tiger unless his tail is wagging.Three: Never, ever, mess with the Ladies Auxiliary.-Mayberry Rules for a Long, Happy Life

Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.

I am very flattered. I have also become a verb as in "I have cumberbatched the UK audience" apparently. Who knows, by the end of the year I might become a swear word too! It's crazy and fun and very flattering.

Benedict Cumberbatch

Be afraid of nothing but be aware of everything.

It shows damn near everything. I's been hiding my breasts for so long, I half forgot I had 'em.

The ideal home: big enough for you to hear the children, but not very well.

Mignon McLaughlin

Where are you going?” Wesley asked in a semi-sleepy voice.“Home.” I pulled on my jeans. “I’ve gotta take a shower and get ready for school.”He pushed himself up on one elbow to look at me. His hair was a mess, brown curls falling into his eyes and sticking up in the back. “You can shower here,” he offered. “I might even join you if you’re lucky.

All white people are born with a singular mission in life in order to pass from regular whitehood into ultra-whitehood. Just as Muslims have to visit Mecca, all white people must eventually renovate a house before they can be complete.

Christian Lander

(1)BEING A POETis like opening a car door& exposing yourself.(2)BEING A GOOD POETis like opening the door& exposing the passengeras well.

Chocolate Waters

The morning slathers its whateveracross the thing.

Michael Robbins

I’m going to become a beat poet and a lesbian!

Benjamin R. Smith

PricklyWhen I'm feelingporcupine-y,I get nasty,I get whiny.Stay away orI might stick you.My sharp words arequills to prick you.

Laura Purdie Salas

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

Benny Bellamacina

The stupidest people suddenly become a little cleverer when we learn that they think well of us

In life things are only free after you've paid for them.

T.A. Uner

I take very few people seriously, and I'm not one of them.

Don’t worry,” he said, that grandfatherly smile spreading across his face once more, “I’ve been fishing for over forty years. You’ve got plenty of time to catch up, maybe even pass what I’ve done. You’re a perspicacious piscatorial pursuer, and I’m sure you’ll catch the big ones.

S. Bradley Stoner

A clear conscience is due to a poor memory.

Sometimes your own tongue can make you deaf and dumb.

I suppose longevity requires giving up life's pleasures, one by one, until there's nothing left.

How has he moved so quickly from childlike naïvité to existential panic?

People who do not eat butterflies will wear their clothes the wrong way, and people who wear their clothes the wrong way are inviting lemmings inside." -- Muzhduk the Ugli the Third

Alexander Boldizar

Being a Falconer is about saving the buggers even if they don't deserve it." - Farlan MacNeil

Don't make me come down there. - God

You can't do that, it makes too much sense.

Time changes nothing, girl, but the size of your underwear. . .and hopefully your hairdo.

No matter where you go, there you are.

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