Humor Quotes - Page 60

Had I been present at the Creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.

God didn't make Eve from Adam's rib. He took out half of Adam's brain by accident.

Yes, she'd made a mistake... but she wasn't going to be bullied. You couldn't let boys go around raining on your lava and ogling other people's watercolors.

Terry Pratchett

Mankind's biggest blunder, ignorance. Mankind's second, infallible.

M.T. Dismuke

There was hardly an eminent writer in Paris who was unacquainted with the inside of the Conciergerie or the Bastille.

Lytton Strachey

You look tired," Rachel told Jason."I wish I could jog and sleep at the same time.""Can't you?" Ferrin asked, joining them at the little cascade. "I always imagined that you could sleep rolling down a mountainside in a barrel.""I probably could today," Jason conceded.

Brandon Mull

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face.

Bauvard

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.

Jim Gaffigan

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.

Jim Gaffigan

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

Josh Stern

Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist.

Laurie Notaro

Are you always so cynical?' said Angelica.'No,' said Katherine. 'Sometimes I'm asleep.

Sam Byers

Motherhood is a constant battle of wanting to go to bed early so you can catch up on sleep and wanting to stay awake so you can enjoy some peace and sanity!

Tanya Masse

Man's inability to get out of bed in the morning is a curious thing. One may reason with oneself clearly and forcibly without the slightest effect. One knows that delay means inconvenience. Perhaps it may spoil one's whole day. And one also knows that a single resolute heave will do the trick. But logic is of no use. One simply lies there.

P.G. Wodehouse

One of the Georges," said Psmith, "I forget which, once said that a certain number of hours' sleep a day--I cannot recall for the moment how many--made a man something, which for the time being has slipped my memory. However, there you are. I've given you the main idea of the thing; and a German doctor says that early rising causes insanity.

P.G. Wodehouse

I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.

George Grossmith

William awoke one morning to find that ― despite having no memory of it − he'd send a message to the Requisitions Department demanding ten thousand gallons of sleep (73% concentrate, with acetic acid stabilizer). The request had been rejected, but someone from Requisitions sent back a blanket and a pillow.

Bryce C. Anderson

Happiness depends on sound sleep, orderly bowels and regular meals.

Matthew Fort

I felt just the way I imagine the shade of poor old Samuel must have felt when the witch dragged him up from Sheol. "Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up?" In fact, I had spent the morning darkness praying for the wisdom to do well by John Ames Boughton, and then when he woke me, I was immediately aware that my sullen old reptilian self would have handed him over to the Philistines for the sake of a few more minutes' sleep.

Marilynne Robinson

Toilet paper unrolled and slitheredthen wrapped around my tummy.That paper tried to roll me upinto an Egyptian mummy.

Melinda K. Trotter

Then he kept to the back streets, and found a place that did a very reasonable double sausage, egg, bacon and fried slice, in the hope that food could replace sleep.

Terry Pratchett

Then all was quiet save only for the low voices of those that talked together, ... , and saving, also, for the mellow snoring of Friar Tuck, who enjoyed his sleep with a noise as of one sawing soft wood very slowly.

Howard Pyle

North," said the face beneath the sheet. "I belong to the National Association of Broadcasting Employees and Technicians. If you wake me up before I've slept twelve hours, I get paid short turnaround.""But Rose--""If you wake me up before seven hours, I get to push a screwdriver into your l

Andrew Klavan

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

Fran Lebowitz

Food," I suggested. "Sleep. That's what I need. To get the hell away from here."Cole frowned at me, as if I'd suggested "ducks" and "yoga".

Maggie Stiefvater

All the kids from daycare are in dreamland.The froggie has made his last leap.Hell no you can't go to the bathroom.You know where you can go?The f**k to sleep.

Adam Mansbach

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

Matshona Dhliwayo

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Of course I love you. For real. I will sure come and personally meet you myself. Just to make sure you're well. When is your funeral?

Fakeer Ishavardas

There's nothing sillier in the world than a teacher telling you don't do it after you already did it.

Frank McCourt

The expression 'Those who can't do, teach' is a curious one, because if you look at the world , you'll see that teachers aren't particularly worse at doing things than anyone else, so perhaps the expression might be better worded as 'nobody can do anything

Lemony Snicket

The way I saw it, if my students were willing to pretend I was a teacher, the least I could do was return the favor and pretend that they were writers.

David Sedaris

There was a seminar for advanced students in Zürich that I was teaching and von Neumann was in the class. I came to a certain theorem, and I said it is not proved and it may be difficult. Von Neumann didn’t say anything but after five minutes he raised his hand. When I called on him he went to the blackboard and proceeded to write down the proof. After that I was afraid of von Neumann.

George Pólya

Mathematics education is much more complicated than you expected, even though you expected it to be more complicated than you expected.

Edward Griffith Begle

Hypotheses like professors, when they are seen not to work any longer in the laboratory, should disappear.

Henry Edward Armstrong

I don't see how it's doing society any good to have it's members walking around with vague memories of algebraic formulas and geometric diagrams, and clear memories of hating them.

Paul Lockhart

To fit the individual to live and to function in the institutional life of his day.

Max Braithwaite

Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom, but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible, so I would appreciate your not filling his head with these fanciful notions.

David Thorne

Jerzy,” said I, turning to the Dean of Students, who was nearby, “You’re experienced in these things, and I’m not. Will you tell me whether it is an unalterable rule in this school for a teacher to lose himself in the middle of the night scrambling to find what he cannot see and what is probably not there?”“Isn’t that what we do in the classroom every day?” said Witskoc. “Yes, I’m afraid that’s how it is. I’d like to see how you can construct a pedagogical context made up of nothing but security and certainties.

Eric Mace-Tessler

...as the old saying goes: if you teach a man to fish, he will feed himself for a lifetime. But if you just give him a fishing pole, he’ll have to teach himself.

Zechariah Barrett

Never talk back to a teacher. Teachers are like God. Actually, teachers are God's boss.

Deborah Wiles

My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves.

David Sedaris

In every relationship one must sacrifice to show thy love. Are you willing to make sacrifices for someone you love?

Jonathan Anthony Burkett

Are you going to let me be eaten?' Billy Beecham looks stunned.'Don't you know that sometimes Beast collectors get collected?' I ask him.'But you're a virgin.''Virgins were never sacrifices,' I say. "Not to this kind of Beast. Virgins are collaborators.

Maria Dahvana Headley

An ordinary man can enjoy breakfasting on juice and rye bread.But when you are underfed, scorned, miserable or just plain bored, you don’t want to eat dull wholesome food.You want something a little more colourful, exciting, tastier, meatier and juicier.

R.S. Vern

Well, I don't know, Lina. But let's just say I've met a lot of dead people.

Ruta Sepetys

Do not mock my baby." He pulls away and strokes his palm over he seat. "She was my first love.""Well your current ... er ... girl, is getting jealous with all the attention you're paying your first love, and she has orifices you can stick things in without having your boy bits burnt off."He pulls me into him again and his mouth goes to work on my neck. “Fuck I love it when you talk dirty.

Carmen Jenner

All right,” she said a little sarcastically. “I was going to assume you liked eating babies and sacrificing virgins, but I might as well ask, what do you do for fun?”“I languish in sin,” I replied in the same tone. “I take my babies rare, and my virgins over easy.

Nenia Campbell

I want to make sure I remember what real ugly is. I might want to tell my grandchildren someday.

Stephen King

I'm as lucky as a bed of oysters on cioppino night.

Nenia Campbell

Don’t mock my suggestions, Ridley – one day in the near future, they might just save your life.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

Carla H. Krueger

Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

Carla H. Krueger

Only men with intelligence, confidence and absolutely no empathy at all can progress upstairs.

Carla H. Krueger

Every time I so much as blink you get an erection.

Carla H. Krueger

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

Carla H. Krueger

He’s in a side room alone with her and it’s far too fucking hot.

Carla H. Krueger

You are a more powerful person than you might have ever imagined.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

Carla H. Krueger

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

Carla H. Krueger

I’m warning you because you’re young and vulnerable. He’s a dirty, lying, conniving piece of shit and he’s dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

Carla H. Krueger

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Humor Quotes - Page 60

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