Humor Quotes - Page 59

I’m relieved to seethat even brilliant physicists make mistakes.”Kohler looked over. “What do you mean?”“Whoever wrote that note made a mistake. That column isn’t Ionic. Ionic columns are uniform in width. That one’s tapered. It’s Doric—the Greek counterpart. A common mistake.”Kohler did not smile. “The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them.

Dan Brown

And, beginning to grind his teeth again, Pyotr Petrovich admitted that he'd been a fool--but only to himself, of course.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Oh, I know I'm a great trial to you, Marilla," said Anne repentantly. "I make so many mistakes. But then just think of all the mistakes I don't make, although I might.

L.M. Montgomery

Sometimes you feel as though you've slandered yourself, but the joke's on them.

Do you ever make silly mistakes? It is one of my very few creative activities.

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

John Kenneth Galbraith

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Just because you are on a path to damnation, doesn’t mean you’re going to get there. Be willing to change your travel plans.

You are not responsible for the murderous rampage of an alien psycho, okay?

It’s adult swim time and I’m diving in here at the shallow end.

Suzanne Finnamore

It is naturally a sign of inner liberation when a patient can squarely recognize his difficulties and take them with a grain of humor. But some patients at the beginning of analysis make incessant jokes about themselves, or exaggerate their difficulties in so dramatic a way that they will appear funny, while they are at the same time absurdly sensitive to any criticism. In these instances humor is used to take the sting out of an otherwise unbearable shame.

I don’t think Will Herondale and a sense of responsibility are even on speaking terms

Cassandra Clare

Have a smile on your face for everyone you meet, and a plan to kill them.

Brad Thor

I had a quack in the floor. So, I had to use ductile.

Ah ha!' the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. ''The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!

Like most bad ideas, it started with alcohol.

Cy Wyss

The assholes are always puzzled when the order of the universe is restored, when they are held accountable for their cowardly, pretentious, loveless ways.

Never trust a woman hoarding a half-eaten bag of M&M's.

K.D. Harp

Confidence is highly erotic.

K.D. Harp

It's amazing how good fifty and sunny feels after you've been bleeding in twelve with a windchill of go fuck yourself.

Caroline Kepnes

Fill me in on the details of your life.”“I thought you didn’t give a shit.”“It’ll give me something to do while I wait for you to stab me to death.

Oh, God. Not again.”Not again? “Do you make a habit of driving into people’s houses?

Writing is not always a writer's playtime. It's actually a work in progress. Few understand this and mistakenly believe we're wasting time. But it's never a waste of time when doing what you love.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, you're probably in the wrong bathroom.

Robert Leland Taylor

Young girls and mass murders are tender hearted creatures

Pierre Lemaitre

How's your grandpa?""Still worried that your blackness will infect me.""That's the plan. First you, then all the other blondes, and then on to brunettes and redheads. Once we have the womenfolk, all the babies will come out black, too. We all voted on the plan at the last Black Conspirators meeting.

MaryJanice Davidson

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' "I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.

Okay. I’m not a white male. At least, not predominantly so. And as I mentioned before, I’m in an environment right now where race is really important. See, Chinese men are not that physically intimidating. We’re not that tall. We’re not that built. We have exactly one thing going for us in a fight — that our opponent recognizes that there’s a possibility, no matter how remote, that we might know kung-fu.

Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

Could dump two Chinee down in one of our maria and they would get rich selling rocks to each other while raising twelve kids. Then a Hindu would sell retail stuff he got from them wholesale--below cost at a fat profit. We got along.

Robert A. Heinlein

Mom talks about moving to Canada as though my father had requested she start wearing fun hats. "Why not try it?" she thought, instead of "This fucking lunatic wants me to go to a country made of ice and casual racism.

Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. "Oy!" yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. "There's a fackin' q

The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world....Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about, so here are a few suggestions:...5. Reasons it's wrong to be racist even though it makes sense to you.

Mrs. Cole was a perfect democrat. She hated all kids equally.

Democracy is like a tamborine - not everyone can be trusted with it.

As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death -- all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself. But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign countries still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them.

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

Alphonse de Lamartine

Platitude or not, the crowd erupted into applause, and by acclamation, Kuni Garu became the Duke of Zudi. A few pointed out that titles of nobility really couldn't be handed out in such a democratic fashion, but these killjoys were ignored.

Ken Liu

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?

Leonard Wibberley

A totally befuddled voter may look at a Vote for McGovern sign and do just that.

Hunter S. Thompson

It's fun telling you tall Texas tales. You always look like a little girl who's hearing Cinderella for the first time.

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.

The vote was taken at once, and it was agreed by an overwhelming majority that rats were comrades.There were only four dissentients, the three dogs and the cat, who was afterwards discovered to have voted on both sides.

[Janco] paused. His eyes held a distant gleam as if seeing into his past. 'My first practice was a shock. I was a cocky smart aleck--'[Opal] 'Was?'[J] 'Be quiet. I'm telling a story here.

Maria V. Snyder

When you get crapped on, grow a garden.

Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.

Brian P. Cleary

If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up

Yes, life is hard, but it's not a bad way to pass the time. When all is said and done, I recommend it.

(after Quigley explains that the ghosts have been feeding off of their misery)Toma: So, what, we should think happy thoughts?!Duane: That is not a talent of mine.

Life's a shit sandwich, my ass. Life's a polka and don't you forget it!

On Wall Street, the lawyers play the same role as medics in war: They come in after the shooting is over to clean up the mess.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Magdalen Braden

The legal profession is notorious for complicating the simples of things.

On the stand, I asked the witness, “What's your occupation?”“Make-up artist.”“Objection!” I replied, “Lack of foundation.

Natalya Vorobyova

Laywers, I suppose, were children once.

Though,' observed Sloan profoundly, 'where there's a will there's usually a relative.

When I pass the bar, you'll be barred from bars but put behind them.

Natalya Vorobyova

But the law is an odd thing. For instance, one country in Europe has a law that requires all its bakers to sell bread at the exact same price. A certain island has a law that forbids anyone from removing its fruit. And a town not too far from where you live has a law that bars me from coming within five miles of its borders.

There are two Newman's laws. The first one is "It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down." The second is "Just when things look darkest, they go black.

It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen.

Terry Pratchett

Today the same thing over. I've got it up the tree again.

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