Humor Quotes - Page 57

Someday,” she said in a voice as serene as a high mountain lake, “I’m going to break your neck. Then I’m going to saw it off with a hacksaw so I can take my time.” Venom’s grin creased his cheeks.“I knew you had it in you, kitty.”(Venom & Sorrow)

No one likes a person that "should of" all over the place.

Shannon L. Alder

He looked so silly that I could not stop laughing, even as my tears kept flowing. Is the root of laughter also sorrow? As I laughed, I was filled with both joy and sorrow.

Kyung-Sook Shin

Stephanie took another puff from her candy cigarette, reached into her purse, brought out the rest of the pack, and said, "Want one of these damned cigarettes?

K. Martin Beckner

Hm. Didn’t you use to be a lot smaller?”“Yes,” said Jinx. “Because I used to be six.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized you could buy a packet of cereal with a free gift and then just stick your hand in and root around in the packet until you found the free thing. It seems a much simpler way. But that took me about fifteen years to work out.

We live in an adolescent society, Neverland, where never growing up seems more the norm than the exception. Little boys wearing expensive suits and adult bodies should not be allowed to run big corporations. They shouldn’t be allowed to run governments, armies, religions, small businesses and charities either and just quietly, they make pretty shabby husbands and fathers too. Mankind has become Pankind and whilst “lost boys” abound, there is also an alarming increase in the number of “lost girls.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

Ethel Barrymore

Out of curiosity, when do I grow up and become a fullfledgedman with a penis?”“When words like ‘hump day’ don’t make you giggle like atwelve-year-old,” he retorted, blowing smoke my way.“Wow, that long?

In a desperate attempt to stay young forever we have achieved eternal childishness, rather than eternal youth.

When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.

Shannon L. Alder

Rod Cockshutt, Professor Emeritus at N.C. State University called my book, Evidence of Insanity, "an extraordinary achievement" and told me to not change the last 10-15 pages no matter what.

Let's see if your right foot is as fearless as your mouth.

Adding kidney beans to his cottage cheese and pineapple was an act of bravery Dave had not intended.

Susan had told him once that bravery was when you wanted to pee your pants, but you kept fighting

Mission motto, sir," said Carrot cheerfully. "Morituri Nolumus Mori. Rincewind suggested it.""I imagine he did," said Lord Vetinari, observing the wizard coldly. "And would you care to give us a colloquial translation, Mr Rincewind?""Er..." Rincewind hesitated, but there really was no escape. "Er... roughly speaking, it means, 'We who are about to die don't want to', sir.

Terry Pratchett

Let's go commit senseless acts of science.

It takes more than balls to be a woman. It takes ovaries.

I sheep's idea of bravery : To become a wolf's pet.

Ljupka Cvetanova

Yes, Father. They have the bravest hearts, the noblest souls, and the shiniest armor in all the world.”“Shiniest armor?” repeated King Ban.

Zaphod did not want to tangle with them and, deciding that just as discretion is the better part of valor, so was cowardice is the better part of discretion, he valiantly hid himself in a closet.

I am no coward sir! I shall stand and fight!""Well, I am," said Sal. "So can we go... please?

I hate it when I go into a Snack Shack and they're out of Blue Ice. The other slushie flavors taste like cheap candy.

Remember, our kind protects you Normals from the Pures. We are the rope tied between man and super-beast. A rope forever dangling from the precipice. I tap Zetania's shoulder and ask, "What's a precipice?" "A cliff's edge," she whispers. Precipice. Must be a French word.

What did you think was going to ensue when you chose Hagan's big ass to train me? That guy is wicked fierce and a total badass.

Oh, shut up Hagan. I'm not doing it for you; I'm doing it for me. I don't want your blood getting all over my outfit.

Sorry. Didn't mean to step on any dead toes.

Um, she'll take your number if you're single

All tha’ effin’ an’ blindin’ she was doin’...I ain’t never seen tha’ likes. Ya’ made a right hames wit dis’ wan, Athair. If she ‘ad been one of us, I’da put fifty quid on ‘er. She was after ya’ bollox, she was!

It's not wrong to hustle hustlers. It's like killing murderers, a public service. -Damon Salvatore

Very touching," said a voice from the stairway. "Do you want me to imitate a violin?" - Damon

At the last parent visitation night I'd sorta accidentally watched a majorly nightmarish scene between Aphrodite and her parents. Her dad's the mayor of Tulsa. Her mom might be Satan.

P.C. Cast

You freaking bit me," I said, my voice hoarse. "You're lucky I don't call animal control.

What would a Mohammedan vampire do if faced with a cross?

Richard Matheson

I can still feel my legs, thanks for asking. My back’s not even hurt that badly. Only as though I was just hit by a train.

Dear God, that man has a magnificent body.' ............. 'It’s like having a cupcake thrust in front of your face and not being allowed to have a lick of the icing.

You know...acting like a dick...won't make yours any bigger.

I'll just stay ten feet away from him at all times so I don't accidentally trip and fall and land lips first on his mouth.

Since I can't turn into a bat and fly, I'll still need my bus pass

What you feel for me, is it caused by your vampirism, or do you yourself feel that way? Because, I mean, I guess I AM, technically, like a walking hamburger. Who wouldn't want a free meal?" I asked tentatively.

Is this bitch crazy? I don't want to 'accidentally' drown

I took a deep breath and sighed in awe. My proverbial penis had just gotten a serious chubby.

Lovely Arra Sails,nectar to all males,how I'd like to spear you like a whaler spears a whale!

Right. I can see it now. Merry Christmas, everybody! And by the way, did I tell you I'm a vampire? No need to pass the gravy, just bare your neck-

Kerrelyn Sparks

...and Lucy." She looked like she might cry.'What about her?'"Lucy smells like food." She nearly gagged saying it.'Sol, all that's normal. Lucy smelled good before I turned, and now she smells even better. But I haven't tried to eat her face and neither will you.'"She's not safe in this house."'Safer than out there,' I argued, even though I agreed with her. 'Look, you used to eat hamburgers.'She blinked, confused. "So?"'So, did you ever walk through one of the farms at a field party and suddenly try to eat a cow?'"Um, no." Her chuckle was watery but it was better than nothing. "And, ew."'Exactly. You can crave blood and not eat your best friend.

Alyxandra Harvey

His ears caught a sweet chiming noise, and a moment later a warm rush fell over his body. How we doing Rhage? Too hot? Butch's voice. Up close. The cop was in the shower with him. And he smelled Turkish tobacco. V must be in the bathroom too. Hollywood? This too hot for you? No. He reached around for the soap, fumbling. Can't see. Just as well. No reason for you to know what we look naked together. Frankly, I'm traumatized enough for the both of us. Rhage smiled a little as a washcloth scrubbed over his face, neck and chest.

J.R. Ward

So, you don’t drink much,” he said. “What about food?”t“No, I don’t eat food. I tried it once a long time ago when I was still a young vamp. It tasted good, but my body rejected it.”t“Don’t feel bad. My body rejects food on occasion too,” Greg said, and she grinned. A sense of humor was always a plus for a man.

The shirt says; 'I bite.' You prick, not 'I blo

Antoinette Houston

He knew how hot those rumbly-grumbly, gravel-voiced noises made her: hotter than two rats wrestling in a wool sock…only not as scratchy. Or as smelly. Probably less squeaky, too. But she had to be strong. For the sake of her children. For the sake of her winery. For the sake of her poor, battered heart. For the sake of this story, which would be over far too quickly if she gave in to him now.

Nine Naughty Novelists

We’re only five years apart,” I said defiantly. “If you look at some of those dysfunctional vampyre relationships, we’re near normal.

Heather Heffner

There were a few things scarier than a bipolar vampire off his meds, but to be honest, not that many.

Inching into the room, it’s clear something is wrong here. There’s a tingling sensation up my legs and back before I can even really focus on the parlor’s details. There are silhouettes of people, but I can see through them. It’s like shadows were cast and left behind to do as they please. Lost in the surreal sight of them for a moment, I inch further into the room without noticing that some were now moving behind me.There is no warning. I’m suddenly in the air, and moving backward rapidly toward the wall. It’s almost a full second before my body registers the actual pain of the blow my stomach just took. Being hit by a car doesn't even compare to this, and I didn't even see it coming.“For a shadow, you hit like a sledgehammer!” The words barely escape before something else slams into the base of my skull embedding most of my upper body in the wall and all but removing my head. These things are like Lucy; the disembodied dead who haven’t moved on. I've never met others that can actually touch things physically, they must be fairly potent.I pull my face out of the hole it had been planted in, letting plaster dust fall, coating my chest and legs like snow. Looking around quickly I try to gauge my surroundings. I can’t see them, but I know they’re there. Is one easy night, without a huge dry-cleaning bill, too much to ask for these days?I only have time to dwell on it a moment before my head is bouncing off the hardwood floor; once, twice, and then a third time in quick succession. Now ‘pick splinters out of my forehead’ can be added to my Saturday night to-do list. Damn it, this is not going as planned.

I suggest you give up now. According to my research, in a vampire-werewolf love triangle, the vampire always gets the girl.

That’s rich, coming from you, Hellcat, I would’ve thought it was impossible for a Vampire to get grey hairs until I met you! (Alexander)

Sharon Hannaford

The Bloodsucker Queen has lived for what, a millennium? She can wait on her decaying ass a little while longer.

Heather Heffner

Silly me, thinking you actually had potential. I thought, Finally, she's realized she's a vampire. Now we're getting somewhere. But now you're just a big fluffy bunny with sharp teeth.

I must have cried myself out. The tears stopped falling and I breathed in through my nose. I stood up and looked down at my baby sister lying there. I kissed my fingertips and touched her forehead. "Goodbye, brat," I whispered. "Stop calling me brat."Caelyn's eyes opened. Her irises were blood red. She gave me an impish smile and bared her fangs. Little sisters suck...

Seriously, I ‘ve got to know if I need to protect you from people running with pencils." ~ Laney

Joann I. Martin Sowles

It didn't feel sporting to shoot at a crazy person, even if that person was a vampire who'd agreed to the job.

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