Humor Quotes - Page 52

If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it could be a really ugly swan.

As for hearing, the sloth is not so much deaf as uninterested in sound.

...only someone who'd never been an animal would put up a sign saying not to feed them....

The first moment someone calls for a revolution is usually the last moment I take them seriously.

I love it," I say. "So I learned it." It's an explanation that leaves a lot out. But I learned a long time ago that people don't really want explanations.

Jael McHenry

The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called 'Ironic' and it is written by a woman who doesn't know what irony is. That's quite ironic when you think about it. (on Alanis Morissette's 'Ironic')

Ed Byrne

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping?

Lisa Papademetriou

She forks up a little nibble and wedges it in her mouth. "Yum," she croaks.Mrs. Wong looks pleased. "It's made with tofu."I can't resist. "Free-range tofu?"My mother looks over at me sharply. Mrs. Wong takes the bait. "Now, Cassidy, tofu isn't an animal," she chides. "It's soy bean curd. Soy bean curd doesn't need to roam free."On the floor below me, Emma lets out a little snort. I nudge her again with my foot. We're both grinning at the thought of a corral somewhere with little cubes of tofu wandering around. "Home, home on the range," I sing to her under my breath. "Where the deer and the tofu roam free...

Heather Vogel Frederick

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

Benny Bellamacina

It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.

Mindy Levy

In life there are squares and there are circles, sometimes it's best to be an oblong

Benny Bellamacina

In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it’s fight or flight. With Tommy it’s always fright and flight.

Terry Weible Murphy

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it

Bill Hicks

Nothing kills a party like an oversize metal hedgehog.

Ilona Andrews

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.

Bill Hicks

Do short people reach their full potential quicker?

Benny Bellamacina

When people get into their 30s plus "boyfriend" sounds weird...if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term "manfriend" or "snookie bookie cuddles pie".

Michelle M. Pillow

You called the guy you’re supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don’t find that a bit nerdy?

A.J. Wiliams

CREONTA: Rope! My rope! Hang those two thieves by the neck until they are dead.THE ROPE: Alack, but vile and ill-natured female! Upon wherein did thine affections tarry when I didst but lie here and rot for many a year? Nay, but those fellows tooketh care to remove the wetness that didst plagueth me of late and hath laid me upon the cool ground to revel in a state of dryness. Nay, I wouldst not delay them in their noble course for all thine base and bestial howling.CREONTA: Then, you, dearest donkey, precious beast of burden, tear those two apart and eat their flesh!DONKEY: Nay, but alas for many a season didst you but keep the food of the tummy from me and my mouth when it was that I required it of you. These fine gentlemen of fortune didst but give me carrots of which to partake which I did most verily and forthsoothe with merriment. I havest decided that thou dost suck most verily and no longer will I layth the smackth down in thine name but will rather let such gentlemen as these go free of themselves. TRUFFALDINO: [To the audience.] Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!

Hillary DePiano

I'm gonna be percy Jackson when I grow up," she told Hazel solemnly.Hazel Smiled and ruffled her hair. "That's a good thing to be, Julia.""Although," Frank said. "Frank Zhang would be good too.

Rick Riordan

My dad used to tell me that laughter was like a cough or a sneeze - the body's way of trying to expel something. But instead of some phlegm in your throat, or some dust up your nose, a laugh happened when something really true got into your brain. Something so true that your system just couldn't stand it.

J. Ross Clara

When I was in eighth grade, I used a self-timing camera to take nude pictures of myself in various stages of erection. I then exchanged my biology teacher’s slides with the images. The teacher, in a state of panic, kept rapidly pressing the ‘next’ button. It was like a pornographic flip-book. That was the last straw in a very heavy pile of straws. I was expelled, and I ended up transferring mid-year from boarding school to a public school near home.

Dani Alexander

I had one friend with same-sex orientation, and Dana hadn't spoken to me since I asked her to describe her honeymoon in graphic detail—and then made vibrator noises.

Dani Alexander

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

Steve Martin

The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors.

Jonas Eriksson

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!

Lewis Black

The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then _add something of your own._ If I start a scene with 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you just say, 'Yeah...' we're kind of at a stand-still. But if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'What did you expect? We're in hell.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'Yes, this can't be good for the wax figures.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'I told you we shouldn't have crawled into this dog's mouth,' now we're getting somewhere.

Tina Fey

Bad improvisers block action, often with a high degree of skill. Good improvisers develop action."(p.115)

Malcolm Gladwell

The coding was anachronistic, kind of like bokeh in a renaissance painting.

Sorin Suciu

HARV, can you help at all here?” I asked, spinning downward.“I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it,” HARV told me.If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.

John Zakour

HARV appeared in front of me, arms crossed, head tilted. “You really should read your e-mails from Randy more carefully,” he lectured.“I skim them,” I protested.“Well, if you skimmed them more carefully you would know that prolonged exposure to stealth mode may lead to side effects.”“I can handle . . .”“Impotence.” HARV smiled.“Oh,” I said.“Randy hasn’t really tested it on humans. It’s extra tough to get volunteers for those types of experiments,” HARV said. “Though he has computer simulated it and the results tend to support this conclusion.”“Let’s try to limit our use of stealth mode from now on,” I said.

John Zakour

Walking into Nova Hollywood, I remembered why I didn’t come here more often. I like a good slice of cheese as much as the next guy, but this place would be too cheesy for a giant mutant rat who had been starving for a week.

John Zakour

My number one fear is heights. Well, not so much the heights but the falling from heights. Actually the falling isn’t that bad (I have a strong heart), it’s the sudden stops that are painful. Believe me — I experienced it once.

John Zakour

Thing is, I am not a big fan of hovers. I firmly believe that if man was meant to fly we’d have feathers, rubber bones, or better insurance coverage.

John Zakour

So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.

John Zakour

Twoa said, obviously still in my brain. "It was my pheromones," she said defensively. I looked up at her; she was sniffing herself. She looked down at me. "Okay, maybe it wasn’t ALL the pheromones," she admitted. "Nobody makes a good deodorant for superheroes.

John Zakour

People keep making excuses, that’s why everthing happens for a reason.

Roy Saputra

HECKLER: Say something funny!COMEDIAN: I don't do requests.

J. Ross Clara

98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Make your life the greatest story ever told!

Marie Guillaume

The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club.

Douglas Lewis

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially by a Person of Adams's Figure, returned the Favour with so much Gratitude, that the Parson's Nostrils likewise began to look a little redder than usual.

Henry Fielding

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

The Covert Comic

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.

The Covert Comic

Conduct Covert UAV Operations Naked

The Covert Comic

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

The Covert Comic

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

The Covert Comic

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

The Covert Comic

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

The Covert Comic

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

The Covert Comic

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

The Covert Comic

Every Friday is black where I work.

The Covert Comic

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.

The Covert Comic

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

The Covert Comic

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

The Covert Comic

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you're improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we're improvising and I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun,' and you say, 'That's not a gun. It's your finger. You're pointing your finger at me,' our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun!' and you say, 'The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard!' then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in fact a Christmas gun.

Tina Fey

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

M.J. McGuire

Nobody touches my ding dongs!

Ray S. Jones

Dolphins and sharks are natural enemies. Dolphins are like, "Quit eating us," and sharks are like, "Stop smiling all the time, you morons.

Dan Florence

There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.

Dan Florence

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Humor Quotes - Page 52

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