Humor Quotes - Page 4

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who'd just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.
Brandon Sanderson
Good thing we weren't here when this happened," Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones!
Jo Ann Yhard
Them Frenchies!’ ‘Unchristian, that’s what I call ’em,’ responded Mr. Stubbs severely. ‘I fair compassionate that wench.
Georgette Heyer
He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,’ said the Runner. ‘I am here in the execution of my dooty.
Georgette Heyer
My life was full of drama, with the highs and lows of Tyler’s daily mood swings and my private innuendos with Vandenberg. There’d never been a movie made that could permanently shift my mood away from my disappointment with myself.
J.C. Patrick
One of the many downsides to being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is real.
Rebecca McNutt
Haley and I would talk for hours about which member of 'N Sync we'd want to marry. After long deliberation, the answer was always J. C. Chasez. JoeyFatone's last name was going to be “Fat One” no matter how great he was, and even though they didn't know at theirage that Lance Bass was gay outright, they sensed he'd make a better good friend and confidante. As for Justin Timberlake, well, JT was the coolest and hottest, but too flashy, so we couldn't trust him to be faithful. J. C. Chasez was the smart compromise.
Mindy Kaling
To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.
Julia Quinn
Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don't know why, become tarnished because of it.
Criss Jami
You write poetry?" Klaus asked.He had read a lot about poets but had never met one."Just a little bit," Isadora said modestly. "I write poems down in this notebook. It's an interest of mine.""Sappho!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something like, "I'd be very pleased to hear a poem of yours!
Lemony Snicket
From the moment I was first pregnant, and those around me insisted that treats such as cold cuts and nail polish could cut my unborn child's potential IQ in half, I got into the habit of NOT seeking out the little things that brought me joy. Like soft cheese. And getting too close to a Starbucks.Then my son came, and I was too busy crying while searching for his User Manual to consider a manicure or massage.I lasted about a week as a new mom before reaching out to others in my situation online. As exhausted, cranky, and confused as I was, I needed friends. It didn't take long for this gaggle of desperate, sleepless women to meet up in person...
Kim Bongiorno
I’m no expert, no natural-born talent, definitely no guru. As you’ll soon learn, only through a colossal experiment in trial and error did I reach the sexual summit. Although I own up to having worn a cape in a few intimate scenarios, I don’t possess supernatural powers of any kind. Perhaps my IQ is slightly above average, but Mensa isn’t busting down my door. If pressed to define myself, I’d say I’m Horatio Alger between the sheets: a self-made swinging single male. . . with a hefty dose of Buster Keaton mixed in.
Daniel Stern
Seasoned digital daters are like lions who have had their prey killed, butchered, and served to them on a tray in their artificial habitat for so long that they’ve forgotten how to hunt.
Maggie Georgiana Young
He stumbled out of his phlegmatic apathy,when she entered his life like an epiphany.
Neelniki
Adding kidney beans to his cottage cheese and pineapple was an act of bravery Dave had not intended.
Theric Jepson
Inching into the room, it’s clear something is wrong here. There’s a tingling sensation up my legs and back before I can even really focus on the parlor’s details. There are silhouettes of people, but I can see through them. It’s like shadows were cast and left behind to do as they please. Lost in the surreal sight of them for a moment, I inch further into the room without noticing that some were now moving behind me.There is no warning. I’m suddenly in the air, and moving backward rapidly toward the wall. It’s almost a full second before my body registers the actual pain of the blow my stomach just took. Being hit by a car doesn't even compare to this, and I didn't even see it coming.“For a shadow, you hit like a sledgehammer!” The words barely escape before something else slams into the base of my skull embedding most of my upper body in the wall and all but removing my head. These things are like Lucy; the disembodied dead who haven’t moved on. I've never met others that can actually touch things physically, they must be fairly potent.I pull my face out of the hole it had been planted in, letting plaster dust fall, coating my chest and legs like snow. Looking around quickly I try to gauge my surroundings. I can’t see them, but I know they’re there. Is one easy night, without a huge dry-cleaning bill, too much to ask for these days?I only have time to dwell on it a moment before my head is bouncing off the hardwood floor; once, twice, and then a third time in quick succession. Now ‘pick splinters out of my forehead’ can be added to my Saturday night to-do list. Damn it, this is not going as planned.
Dennis Sharpe
A man without a sweet tooth is not to be trusted.
Kristen Painter
Aleks opened his mouth to reassure his friend when heheard something that chilled him to the bone.“Aleksander Aaron Arkadion! What in the hell is wrong with you! Why are you dragging that mangledcorpse through town? You traumatized an entire first-grade class on a field trip to the town center,” Ma said,striding up to them pointing down to the body that Aleks still had a hold of.He looked down at the ankle he was holding.“Fuck my life.” Aleks looked behind his ma at the trail of blood heading back to the ice cream parlor.Liam laughed, his arms wrapped around his waist holding his sides.
Alanea Alder
Illium, his expression subdued as it had been for too many days, turned to her. “Mind if I have a go?”“Kick his ass.”Stripping off his shirt and boots, Illium held out his hand for one of Venom’s blades. Lips curving, Venom passed it over. “Sure you can handle me, pretty, pretty Bluebell?”“Did I ever tell you about my snakeskin boots?” A savage grin, and she knew Venom was about to bear the brunt of whatever haunted the blue-winged angel.Venom swirled his blade in hand. “I do think I need some new feathers for my pillow.
Nalini Singh
The irony of rule followers is they often quote a lot of people that do not follow as many rules as they do.
Shannon L. Alder
Today someone asked me if that old stereotype about hot-headed Italians is true. I answered this way: About 2,000 years ago, there was a guy running around hollering about peace & love ... and we nailed his ass to a cross! (Hope that answers your fuckin' question!)
Quentin R. Bufogle
Merkin had used only one drop of the “just soap.” Two drops would have made her Master walk slightly awkwardly. Three drops would have made a Victorian gentleman utter something really lustful, such as “you transfix me quite.
Sorin Suciu
Okay. I’m not a white male. At least, not predominantly so. And as I mentioned before, I’m in an environment right now where race is really important. See, Chinese men are not that physically intimidating. We’re not that tall. We’re not that built. We have exactly one thing going for us in a fight — that our opponent recognizes that there’s a possibility, no matter how remote, that we might know kung-fu.
Phillip Andrew Bennett Low
Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. "Oy!" yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. "There's a fackin' q
David Mitchell
Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?
Leonard Wibberley
When I pass the bar, you'll be barred from bars but put behind them.
Natalya Vorobyova
Mankind's biggest blunder, ignorance. Mankind's second, infallible.
M.T. Dismuke
Food," I suggested. "Sleep. That's what I need. To get the hell away from here."Cole frowned at me, as if I'd suggested "ducks" and "yoga".
Maggie Stiefvater
Of course I love you. For real. I will sure come and personally meet you myself. Just to make sure you're well. When is your funeral?
Fakeer Ishavardas
There was a seminar for advanced students in Zürich that I was teaching and von Neumann was in the class. I came to a certain theorem, and I said it is not proved and it may be difficult. Von Neumann didn’t say anything but after five minutes he raised his hand. When I called on him he went to the blackboard and proceeded to write down the proof. After that I was afraid of von Neumann.
George Pólya
Hypotheses like professors, when they are seen not to work any longer in the laboratory, should disappear.
Henry Edward Armstrong
An ordinary man can enjoy breakfasting on juice and rye bread.But when you are underfed, scorned, miserable or just plain bored, you don’t want to eat dull wholesome food.You want something a little more colourful, exciting, tastier, meatier and juicier.
R.S. Vern
All right,” she said a little sarcastically. “I was going to assume you liked eating babies and sacrificing virgins, but I might as well ask, what do you do for fun?”“I languish in sin,” I replied in the same tone. “I take my babies rare, and my virgins over easy.
Nenia Campbell
He’s in a side room alone with her and it’s far too fucking hot.
Carla H. Krueger
Not very tall, not very dark but very...very handsome,’ was his way of describing himself.
Anurag Shourie
Murderous thieves make their home here." She failed to keep the tremor from her voice. "Absolutely," Jonas replied."Dangerous animals too.""Without a doubt."She slanted a look toward him. "Perfect place for you."He repressed a snort. "Oh, such compliments, your highness. You're going to make me blush.
Morgan Rhodes
What is love when it's not for dopamine?
Saurabh Sharma
Abbey relaxed, grateful not only that someone had thought to throw a party for her, but that she had been able to escape attending.
Emily Ann Benedict
Database Management System [Origin: Data + Latin basus "low, mean, vile, menial, degrading, ounterfeit."] A complex set of interrelational data structures allowing data to be lost in many convenient sequences while retaining a complete record of the logical relations between the missing items. -- From The Devil's DP Dictionary
Stan Kelly Bootle
It criticizes me,but my 2nd quest give me deserve a second chance but it is my own survival,My friend.
Kurt Reiner Suarez
He cracked his crooked smile that made all women swoon except the ones who wanted to slap him. Faye was a fence-sitter on the subject.
Sarah Scheele
No violence, gentlemen — no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
Arthur Conan Doyle
Every couple of months or so, some boundary breaking article comes out in a nationally published magazine. The article makes a big thesis statement about relationships. Like say how, women don’t need men anymore, or how if you’re a woman over thirty-five, you should just settle with whatever guy is half-way nice to you, or how monogamy is not feasible, or plausible, or enjoyable, for any human. And we should all be swingers, or a study is released that say’s, you don’t have to love your kids anymore or something. They’re the kind of articles that are e-mailed everywhere and I get them forwarded to me about eight times. I will read one of these articles and immediately afterward I’m so swept up in it, I can’t help but think Yes, Yes, that is one-hundred percent right. Finally! Someone has confirmed that little voice in the back of my mind that has always not loved my kids, or I’m so happy I’m that much closer to my swinging lifestyle I’ve always secretly been craving. I’m normal and now it’s a national discussion and others agree and I can feel normal now. But then, a week later I’m thinking, I hate this. I feel awful. This wretched little magazine article has helped convinced more open minded liberal arts graduates that, the nuclear family doesn’t exist without some hideous twist, like the dad is allowed to go to an S & M dungeon once a week or something. It makes me cry because it means that fewer and fewer people are believing it’s cool to want what I want, which is to be married and have kids and love each other in a monogamous, long-lasting relationship.
Mindy Kaling
Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part of
Josh Stern
I was struck by the image of Daddy still dressed in that same plaid shirt and undershirt with the bloodstains below the neck, the one I had first seen him wearing in the jail the previous day.
Earl B. Russell
I have read of a gentleman who owned a so fine house in London, and when he went for months of summer to Switzerland and lock up his house, some burglar came and broke window at back and got in. Then he went and made open the shutters in front and walk out and in through the door, before the very eyes of the police. Then he have an auction in that house, and advertise it, and put up big notice; and when the day come he sell off by a great auctioneer all the goods of that other man who own them. Then he go to a builder, and he sell him that house, making an agreement that he pull it down and take all away within a certain time. And your police and other authority help him all they can. And when that owner come back from his holiday in Switzerland he find only an empty hole where his house had been. This was all done en règle; and in our work we shall be en règle too. We shall not go so early that the policemen who have then little to think of, shall deem it strange; but we shall go after ten o’clock, when there are many about, and such things would be done were we indeed owners of the house.
Bram Stoker
Life showed my her back and I touched it's ass
Xevi Castellà Tubert
People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane, until we invented smartphones and social media.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Women!” he muttered. “Can't live with 'em, can't escape even by killing 'em.
Naomi Kramer
when you have the reasons, reason!
Ernest Agyemang Yeboah
Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock and they say "the kitchen is closed." For years I would hear this, and think, "damn, just a little too late, oh well, thank you, I guess it's Denny's ag
Bill Maher
Clearly it's not all that pacific on the Pacific Ocean
Ilya Ilf
I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
George Carlin
She is so tiresome. ‘Am I a vampire, am I a wolf, am I a vampire, am I a wolf, I cannot decide, so I’ll be both!
Melika Dannese Lux
Okay, okay, okay … go to your corners, boys. This is a nice Aubusson carpet you’re standing on. You get blood on it and I’ll have Fritz so far up my ass I’ll be coughing on his hankie.
J.R. Ward
This,” Alaric explained to Sarah in what he thought was a kindly voice, “isn’t love you’re feeling. Only dopamine. Because Felix isn’t like anyone else you know. Being a creature of the night, he’s new and exciting and activates a neurotransmitter in your brain that releases feelings of euphoria when you’re around him…especially because you know you can never actually be together, and he seems complicated, and perhaps even sensitive and vulnerable at times. But I can assure you: he’s anything but.”“How dare you?” Sarah demanded hotly. “It isn’t dopa…whatever! It’s love! Love!
Meg Cabot
Vampire politics make the very complicated dance of manners that is werewolf protocol look like the Hokey Pokey.
Patricia Briggs
Snug pants, bandeau-type corset, and trim, motorcycle jacket. It was a fabulous outfit, but it was so urban-fantasy book cover
Chloe Neill
The Boogeyman,' he said, just to be sure. 'The Boogeyman killed an employee of the President of the United States.'The president nodded.Some days, Zach thought, I really hate this job.
Christopher Farnsworth
Something you killed didn't stay dead? Wow. That must have really put some termites in your coffin.
Christopher Farnsworth

Related Topics

Need To Be True
Quotes
Megaphone
Quotes
Medicines
Quotes
Social Media Addiction
Quotes
Images
Quotes
Fusion
Quotes
Bench Press
Quotes
Gentlemen
Quotes