Humor Quotes - Page 4

I feel no grief for being called somethingwhichI am not;in fact, it's enthralling, somehow, like a goodback rub

Charles Bukowski

Never presume to know a person based on the one dimensional window of the internet. A soul can’t be defined by critics, enemies or broken ties with family or friends. Neither can it be explained by posts or blogs that lack facial expressions, tone or insight into the person’s personality and intent. Until people “get that”, we will forever be a society that thinks Beautiful Mind was a spy movie and every stranger is really a friend on Facebook.

Shannon L. Alder

She's on the stairs, ma'am, getting her breath,' said the young servant, who had not been long up from the country, where my mother had the excellent habit of getting all her servants. Often she had seen them born. That's the only way to get really good ones. And they're the rarest of luxuries.

If you call yourself an "authoress" on your Facebook profile, you suck at life. You are stupid and your children are ugly. It doesn't matter if you're just trying to be cute and original. You're not. You are about as original as all those other witless twits "writing" the one millionth shitty Fifty Shades clone. Or maybe you're trying to show your 2000 fake Facebook "friends" that you are an empowered feminist who will not stand for sexist terminology. But you're not showing people that you are fighting the good fight, you're showing people that you are a sheep, who's trying just a little too hard to ride the current wave of idiotic political correctness. The word "author" is no more gender-discrimination than the word "person." Do you call yourself a personess? No, of course not, because then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, "Hello, I'm a retard.

It always pisses me off when I’m calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what—probably this book, so get ready, I’m comin’—when the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: “So Kath, I don’t know what you chicks are always complaining about.” To which I respond: “Really? Why don’t you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.

My whore of a brother has done it again." "Then, as always, orders me to clean up the mess." "I think I hate him." Poseidon to his brother, Zeus.

Tiddlywinks, tiddlywinks, I want to play tiddlywinks," chanted Ramona, shaking her head back and forth.

New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi.

I'm an elephant today. I will need to have lots of room and also a bowl of water on the floor.

Remember when only a few people had mobile phones. Generally regarded as an object of derision, you would occasionally see business types clutching those ridiculous grey bricks to their faces and mutter to yourself 'what a prick.' Nowadays, an eyebrow hardly even flutters when we see a ten-year-old child happily texting away. You probably wouldn't notice anyway; you'd be too busy downloading an app that could definitively pinpoint who it was that had just farted in your tube carriage.

You and I both know that love is for children,'' he said. ''We're adults. Compatibility is for adults.''''Compatibility is for my Bluetooth and my car,'' Teresa replied. ''Only they get along just fine, and my car never makes my bluetooth feel like shit.

Maggie Stiefvater

No mountain is too high, but so many people can't climb even a hill. There is always a way to the top, but so many people can't even get the mid and many miss the way. Life is real and the journey of life comes with rules. Mind the real and distinctive rules that lead to success and you shall get to the very peak of the mountain of success surmounting all barriers, challenges and puzzles along the journey to success with a great degree of ease!

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

Solus walked over to the young brown-haired man and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, ignoring the look of panic he received in return. "You can call me Solus." His golden eyes trailed meaningfully down the mortal's body before he added, softly, "I've been told it's easier to scream.

Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.

A man's love for a woman is not defined by his availability in bed, but by every ingredient he adds to improve the taste of the relationship.

Michael Bassey Johnson

When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.

So, if there are any couples here this evening having a secret extramarital affair, I encourage you to breed.

They have been having sex for eighteen months now (he realizes he has to make himself stop counting, as if his sexual life is a prison term, and he is working toward its completion).

Hanya Yanagihara

The man kisses me and I just hop right on him like he's the hottest new ride at Disneyland.

Karen Marie Moning

I used to think that looking across a pillow into the fabulous face of Buster Keaton would be a more thrilling destiny than any screen career.

You think he has some bomb defusing MacGyver contraption cooked up that involves lube, condoms, and a paper clip?

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm". At the time this was the last thing on my mind...

Terry Pratchett

Come forward as servants of Islam, organize the people economically, socially, educationally and politically and I am sure that you will be a power that will be accepted by everybody.

Muhammad Ali Jinnah

Never give up hope! If you do, you be dead already.

Rose in The Inspired Caregiver

Ya were going to turn me into a rat? Had I known that I wouldn’t have tried to turn ya into a snake.

Michelle M. Pillow

Do not pay attention to my cousins. Every family needs a couple idiots and we keep them around for entertainment.

Michelle M. Pillow

Lydia had been fantasizing about him to the point she nearly drove him insane with it. It had taken four days for his energy to weaken inside her enough that he could go and visit her without fear she would throw him across the town in a gust of wind, and thus cause a scene. Although, getting run out of town after one day would be a new MacGregor record.

Michelle M. Pillow

I treat my thoughts like an old person treats their valuables: I cannot for the life of me proceed to throwing them out.

You can't fight hatred with hatred and expect anyone to listen to you. You can only try to lessen it with humor, wit, truth and commonsense. If that doesn't work run like hell, while they throw rocks at you.

Shannon L. Alder

Hermes gazed up at the stars. "My dear young cousin, if there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it. It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the Internet-""You invented the Inte

You do not respond to a mosquito bite with a hammer.

Patrick L.O. Lumumba

Sometimes, how others look at it must not be how you should see it! Sometimes, how it means to others must not be how it should mean to you! Sometimes in life, things must have a different meaning to you, but positively; then you may be able to understand people and the mission, and accomplish the vision, with a good sense humor, seriousness and understanding, insight and wit, tenacity and distinctiveness, to the very end of your true strength!

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

A female dragon’s tail is of the utmost importance to her. Male dragons find them irresistible. After all where do you think the term ‘Getting some tail’ came from?

Take care of your car in the garage, and the car will take care of you on the road.

I am so obsessed with the cars that sometimes I feel like my heart is not a muscle, it's an engine.

I love the wheels, I mean steering wheel.

*Prostitution* is a euphemism for rape incidents that the victim and the economy profits from.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There’s no such thing as free kittens.

Brian P. Cleary

Self-publishing a shitty book doesn't make you an author any more than singing in the shower makes you a rockstar or squeezing your pimple makes you a dermatologist.

After we hung up, I took the joint. If I was going to die here, in the creepy basement out of a horror movie, in an epic snowstorm that was like an icy prison, with a wife unwilling to pretend-like Bananarama to maybe save her husband's life, I should at least go out with a smile on my face.

Eric Spitznagel

On the Rolling Stones - You will walk out of the Amphitheatre after watching the Stones perform and suddenly the Chicago stockyards smell clean and good by comparison.

Tom Fitzpatrick

I was wasting my life, always thinking about myself.

Morrissey

In some cases, it is the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that has left her man for another.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

In many cases, it was the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that fell for her man.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

It's a terrible thing for a man when his woman gangs up on him wi' a toad

Terry Pratchett

We are, or rather our natural desire to evade pain and to attain pleasure is, the primary reason we do or say every single thing we do or say.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Seriousness is too boring to the playful human condition. A heart of stone that has a long face can never express love.

Michael Bassey Johnson

You might be an introvert if you were ready to go home before you left the house.

There are more quarrels smothered by just shutting your mouth, and holding it shut, than by all the wisdom in the world.

Henry Ward Beecher

One of my professors once told me that the last official act of the British monarchy was when Queen Victoria refused to sign a law that made same-sex acts illegal. It would have made me think more highly of her, except the reason she objected was because she didn’t believe women would do anything like that. Parliament rewrote the law so it was specific to men, and she signed it. A tribute to enlightenment, Queen Victoria was not. Neither, as I have observed before, are werewolf packs.

Patricia Briggs

One of my professors once told me that the last official act of the British monarchy was when Queen Victoria refused to sign a law that made same-sex acts illegal. It would have made me think more highly of her, except the reason she objected was because she didn’t believe women would do anything like that. Parliament rewrote the law so it was specific to men, and she signed it. A tribute to enlightenment, Queen Victoria was not. Neither, as I have observed before, are werewolf packs.

Patricia Briggs

Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

There is this common notion that people are shallow and ignorant until they go out and see the world. I, on the other hand, went out and in comparison realized I was in pretty good standing.

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

Genereux Philip

Bitch, if I ain't a G, I'm an OG

Genereux Philip

I'm a Baroque person. More than Baroque, I'm a Rococo person. I don't draw straight lines.

Growing up I sometimes imagined that for Christ's return perhaps He would appear as 'Black Jesus' to white people and 'White Jesus' to black people just to screw with the racists.

Most sexually adventurous women want a man who regards cunnilingus as a basic woman right.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Walking through life, we spend most of our energy choosing the right shoes.

Ljupka Cvetanova

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