Humor Quotes - Page 36

I pat the brand new twenty-seven inch Macintosh computers Mr. Foley brought us. 'These boxes alone should make both of us scream like it's Christmas morning! Snap out of it. Santa came! Now we get to play with all of our toys!

Anne Eliot

Calvin: Dear Santa, before I submit life to your scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the matter of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior, HUH??? What gives you the right?! Hobbes: Santa makes the toys, so he gets to decide who to give them to.Calvin: Oh.

Bill Watterson

Dave put a lot of thought into picking out the books his dad would like least.

Theric Jepson

Paying twenty-five dollars for me was your mistake, ma’am. I’m not worth more than fifteen.

Margaret Brownley

Tizzy squawked, and he bounced like a ball on the floor. “I completely forgot; Santa said something more.He said that a book gives your very thoughts wings,That carry you off to see wonderful things,That lift you aloft, throughout time, throughout spaceTo every era and every place!

Dorothea Jensen

Santa was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt whatsoever about that. The after-action report was signed by the field commander, the director of operations, the secretary of the Office of Sidhe Affairs, and the chief battle-mage. Janus had signed it — and Janus’s word could be counted upon for anything he chose to put his name to. Old Saint Nicholas, the Sidhe Lord of the Yuletide, was as dead as a door-nail.It didn’t stick.

Chris Lester

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a a note on it saying, toys not included.

Bernard Manning

But, why? You punished me, okay? You've forbidden me to," I shudder, "cum when you know my little body can only take so much of holding it in. I have a nine-inch dick, Randy. That stuff needs to come out.

Candi Kay

How you felt?" he asks, still looking like he's trying to hide a smirk."Oh, shut up. I'm going now. I'm sorry I bothered you, your Highness of Reindeerness," I say, with more than a little sarcasm. "I promise not to ever disturb you again.

Candi Kay

Let's not have forced gaiety this Christmas, said Nora, like it was a dish. We'll have a tiny bit of it, I said.

Miriam Toews

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Dave Barry

You're thinking that if the North Pole has little elves and shape-shifting reindeer that maybe werewolves aren't quite so farfetched. Am I right? Well, you're wrong. There's no such thing as werewolves. That would just be crazy.

Candi Kay

Sillman looked at his interrogator with hopeless eyes. 'I think while I was passed out, I dreamed about my mom's gingerbread cookies. Maybe the guy who knocked on the glass was eatin' one.' 'Mm,' said Peace-not-War. 'Well. That's helpful. We'll put an APB out on the Gingerbread Man. I'm not hopeful it'll do us much good, though. Word on the street is you can't catch him.

Joe Hill

Sierra, it's Christmastime. Put a stupid mistletoe over his head and kiss him already!

Jay Asher

What do you think of Christmas?""I like it," she said. "I think we should have it every year.

Liz Flaherty

In the days approaching Christmas, she always reminds me of the previous year: 'Jane crocheted you an entire poncho, and all you gave her was a bone-shaped beach stone.

Sara Baume

Without the door let sorrow lie,And if for cold it hap to die,We'll bury 't in a Christmas pie,And evermore be merry.

George Wither

Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.

Alan Bradley

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out any quicker than the Christmas spirit

Kin Hubbard

Glen had a disability more disfiguring than a burn and more terrifying than cancer. Glen had been born on the day after Christmas. "My parents just combine my birthday with Christmas, that's all," he explained.But we knew this was a lie. Glen's parents just wrapped a couple of his Christmas presents in birthday-themed wrapping paper, stuck some candles in a supermarket cake, and had a dinner of Christmas leftovers.

Augusten Burroughs

Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes.

Janet Evanovich

It's always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics' ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they'll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

Criss Jami

I once told him that the best way to break up a fight is to step between the two people and start singing ancient folk songs. But I’d never heard of anyone actually doing such a thing.

David Levithan

I was about to run, possibly fight, definitely scream...

Jessica Fortunato

Hunter was bipolar, for crying out loud. He had checked into the nut house on more than one occasion and, honestly, I was already starting to feel the anxiety of living together. I would need to get my martial arts skills up to par to deal with this lunatic. I knew that I would also need to pick up a copy of Kill Bill at my next convenience and take notes as I watched, just in case a fight happened to break out in the kitchen. Also, at night, I had decided that I would need to sleep with either a small pistol or a flamboyant hunting knife under my pillow for a quick grab, in case he skipped his meds one night and decided to kill me. I needed to be prepared for the unthinkable.

Chase Brooks

Death can come slow. Death can come quick. If you've got one last breath, you better make the most of it.

A.H. Scott

(I didn’t tell him that thediagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)

John Green

I had a very funny and depressing talk with my seventy-four-year-old mother. I decided, she doesn't have a bucket list - she has a kick-the-bucket list.

Lori Lesko

Die in a good way, obviously.

Mindy Kaling

While death is sadly inevitable, our grief will soon pass like a swallowed penny through one’s bowels.Painful change just takes time.

Jessica Watts

The book did not say anything about a statue, valuable or otherwise, and so I stopped reading about the Bombinating Beast and got interested in the chapter about the Stain'd witches, who had ink instead of blood in their veins. I wondered what they kept in their pens.

Lemony Snicket

Wonders happen either way. With you or without you.

Sergey Vedenyo

A day ago, the sight of a man removing his face would have blown thick chunks of Aiden’s mind out the back of his head, but not today. Today Aiden was fresh out of shock and running low on wonder.

Matt K. Turner

If this is where you ask me to run around in my birthday suit, I’m not entirely comfortable with that,” I said, smirking.

Laura Kreitzer

So. You're a fallen angel." She folded her arms."I'm not fallen," he said roughly."Then what are you?"He shrugged. "Busted.

Vicki Pettersson

The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.

Christopher Moore

If you decide to war with us, you will fail and suffer an eternity of misery,” he informed, his tone steady and cold. “Is that explicit enough?”“Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” I said cheerfully, getting in touch with my inner smartass.

Laura Kreitzer

How do you possibly manage to turn talk of an angel into something perverted?

Nicki Elson

Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season

Josh Stern

Where are we heading?”“The closest wooded area to here is Kenwood Academy’s estate. Good place to hide, especially at night.”“If we’re going into the woods, I definitely need to change.”I glanced back at her as we returned to the curb where the cab had dropped us off. “Or you could just go home.”She crossed her arms and avoided my gaze, scowling. “You’re sick of me already? That must be a record.”I lifted my eyes to the heavens. Women. “This creature tore out a woman’s throat and busted her chest cavity open like a piñata. I don’t like the thought of it being anywhere near you.”“Did it ever occur to you that I feel the same way?”Surprise flooded over me. “No, it…actually didn’t.”“I know I’m not as strong or as smart as you are, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help. We’re partners, aren’t we?”“Yeah,” I said, and couldn’t stop the smile creeping across my lips. “I guess we are.” She tossed a quick look at me and frowned. “Quit it.”“What?”“I hate it when you do that.”“You hate it when I smile?”“No, when you make that, ‘aw, she does have a heart’ face. You look like a Disney prince.”I laughed. “My bad. I’ll work on that.

Kyoko M.

He’s a fallen angel,” Dale said. “The goth punk rocker thing… I don’t know. He picked the costume.”“The costume?” Daphne said.“Body,” Uriah explained. “And I didn’t fall. I left. Tendered my resignation, as it were.

J.L. Aarne

She hadn’t planned any of this, but her thoughts ran away with her, and she hated how pathetic she must sound. Poor little human needed the big bad angel to rescue her. Yuck.

India Drummond

The satisfying sound of bone giving way, as well as his outraged cry, made the you-had-it-coming-asshole angles sing.

J.A. Saare

On a wing and a prayer." (After being asked how the angels make love in Milton's Paradise Lost).

Benjamin R. Smith

That's my girl," he murmured."I'm not your girl.""Well," he said not bothering to hide his smile from her sightless eyes, "the good news is that the honey gave you back your sparkling personality.""And the bad news?""The honey gave you back your sparkling personality.

Larissa Ione

The remnants of my dress hung like tentacles and from my back arched a pari of towering wings, feather-light but suggesting enourmous power. My hair streamed behind me, and I knew that the ring of light around my head would be brighter than ever.“Holy crap!” Xavier blurted

Alexandra Adornetto

First rule of Angel Club, you do not talk about Angel Club.

Cynthia Hand

Luce blushed. "Then what kind of angel are you?""I'm sort of in between gigs right now," Daniel said.

Lauren Kate

I had a dream that I was in someone else’s shoes for once…they were the wrong size.

Starley Ard

On some days, writing is wonderful. On the days when it is wonderful, it feels like you are the God of a universe that the rest of the world is not yet privy to. And then on some days, it is not wonderful; those days when nothing is coming and the cursor seems to be openly mocking you, blinking out ‘YOU SUCK AT WRITING AND YOU’RE UGLY AS BALLS’ in Morse code.

Leigh Whannell

Writing is like making love, editing is like giving your great grandfather a sponge bath.

Midnight Taylor

It was a dark and stormy night. . .perfect for staying indoors and writing a novel!

Sandra Kopp

When in doubt, go the scandalous route.

Kilian Grey

Writers don't kill characters. Characters kill characters.

MariaLisa deMora

To air one's views gratuitously, however, is to imply that the demand for them is brisk, which may not be the case, and which, in any event, may not be relevant to the discussion.

Strunk Jr.

I had found by experience that putting things down on paper helped to clear the mind in precisely the same way, as Mrs. Mullet had taught me, that an eggshell clarifies the consommé or the coffee, which, of course, is a simple matter of chemistry. The albumin contained in the eggshell has the property of collecting and binding the rubbish that floats in the dark liquid, which can then be removed and discarded in a single reeking clot: a perfect description of the writing process.

Alan Bradley

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about what could have been. It’s too unbearable.

Sophie Kinsella

If she's not alright, I'm going to rip out his heart and eat it." I nodded. "You really shouldn't eat raw meat," Chubs said.

Alexandra Bracken

I was looped in on your little romantic quest. The only way to get me out without it looking suspicious was to suggest that I come after you dumb asses, since I supposedly know your crappy personality so well.

Alexandra Bracken

The therapist, he thought, and it bothered him a lot more than it should have. After all, he had nothing permanent with Sophie. He just needed to touch her on a semiregular basis or he couldn't finish his sentences.

Jennifer Crusie

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Humor Quotes - Page 36

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