Humor Quotes - Page 33

It's not cold in here, you're just dying.

There isn't a thing I can't do now that I didn't do when I was twenty-one...which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That's a lie, but I might as well tell you something right here at the beginning of the book. Anytime I can get a laugh I'm not going to let the truth interfere with it.)

George Burns

I was young once and slender and pretty and I made the most of it. It's somebody else's turn now.

Abigail Thomas

Wow. Look at the lines in your face, Missy. It's like your bitterness just dug in and stayed.

Shelly Laurenston

As she drove the familiar route to the school, she considered her magnificent new age. Forty. She could still feel "forty" the way it felt when she was fifteen. Such a colorless age. Marooned in the middle of your life. Nothing would matter all that much when you were forty. You wouldn't have real feelings when you were forty, because you'd be safely cushioned by your frumpy forty

Liane Moriarty

As you get older you strip away the things you don't have time for, and then you are left with only the things you have time for. Your life gets skinnier and skinnier until you wonder why you go on. You go on because there are things that must get done. You become no longer a person so much as a place, an unfunny place where things come to get done.

Jonathan Goldstein

Longevity is highly over rated.

Martin Kimeldorf

So why aren’t more marketing companies targeting our age group? Why are there so many youth-oriented programs and advertisements on television today? Why are we being ignored? Don’t companies realize they are missing a huge market?Now granted, a visit to the local mall will show you there are a lot of teenagers hanging out there these days. But are they shopping? Are they spending money? No. They’re “hanging.” Contrary to what our skin might be doing, we members of the over-forty crowd don’t “hang.” We shop, and not just window shop either. We’re serious buyers. When we pick up an item and turn it over to see the price, we often carry it right on over to the checkout counter and pay for it. Why? Because we know the energy involved with picking up items. We don’t do it unless we’re committed.

Martha Bolton

To a man and woman, all of her elderly patients had been surprised to be old - which Avery privately regarded as a serious failure to pay attention.

Lionel Shriver

I tan the easy way. I just wait for my liver spots to connect.

Martha Bolton

I need to stop saying LMAO because that is precisely what's happening; I wish I could rewind time by two decades, immortalize my derriere in wax, and then kiss it goodbye.

Donna Lynn Hope

You remember having friends who used to lampoon the world so effortlessly, crouching at the verge of every joke and waiting to pounce on it, and you remember how they changed as they grew older and the joy of questioning everything slowly became transformed into the pain of questioning everything, like a star consuming its own core.

Kevin Brockmeier

I'm growing fonder of my staff; I'm growing dimmer in my eyes; I'm growing fainter in my laugh; I'm growing deeper in my sighs; I'm growing careless of my dress; I'm growing frugal of my gold; I'm growing wise; I'm growing--yes,-- I'm growing old.

John Godfrey Saxe

My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, 'Fifty is the new forty!' Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as bad as I do. No. Fifty is fifty.

Celia Rivenbark

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Bill Cosby

I think she is going to find you too old... Yes that was it, the moment she said it I knew it was true, and the revelation caused me no surprise, it was like the echo of a dull, not unexpected shock. The age difference was the last taboo, the final limit, all the stronger for the fact that it remained the last and had replaced all the others. In the modern world you could be a swinger, bi, trans, zoo into S&M, but it was forbidden to be old.

Michel Houellebecq

When Mama starts to move across a room, people pay attention. You can never be sure she's not going to grab you by the top of the head to steady herself. And she's pretty free with that walking stick, too.

Bailey White

I Didn't Ask to Be a Senior Citizen (I Was Drafted)

Doug Jensen

And we all know how ladies get minks . . .”Popsy and Sandra chorused the answer together. “The same way minks get minks!

Suzy Duffy

I'm trying to keep your safe!" Puck exploded, whirling on me. His eyes feverish, and I shrank back. "This isn't a game, Meghan! The shit is about to hit the fan, and you're right in the middle of it without knowing enough to duck!

Julie Kagawa

Of course, in my mind, violence would have been better, but since that wasn’t an option, I decided to play along. “It’s okay, handsome. I’ve only been here a few minutes. I’d like to introduce you to Dick.”“No, it’s…” Richard tried to correct me only to be interrupted by Drew.“Nice to meet you, Dick,” Drew retorted.

Jeanne McDonald

They said her duck recipe and the Chinese music were so dramatic everything else sounded anemic.

Frank McCourt

Kat and I talked about Jacob in our own private code."Are you baking cookies yet?" she said. That was standard for : have you fucked?"Oh yeah. We've made a couple dozen by now.""What kind?" In other words, was Jacob any good."Chocolate-chip," I said. "And he not only likes to bake them, he likes to eat them, too.""Congratulations.

Tiffanie DeBartolo

If we really exist merely to fulfill God’s plan: then life is a television drama; with God being the scriptwriter, the director, and, the audience.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Oh, come on. Drama is just life with the dull bits cut out.”“Well, I’m ready for a long patch of boredom.

D.L. Orton

Frustration, arousal, fury, hurt. That was the emotional cocktail I drank every time we spent more than five minutes together.

Devi Ansevi

I'm so much more scared of white guys than black guys. Like an angry black guys would pull out a gun and be like 'Yo, I'm coming back with my cousins and we're gonna funck you up' and a white guy would be like just 'BANG'!

Jeremy Iversen

BOTTOMThere are things in this comedy of Pyramus and Thisby that will never please. First, Pyramus must draw a sword to kill himself; which the ladiescannot abide. How answer you that?SNOUTBy'r lakin, a parlous fear.STARVELINGI believe we must leave the killing out, when all is done.BOTTOMNot a whit: I have a device to make all well.Write me a prologue; and let the prologue seem tosay, we will do no harm with our swords, and thatPyramus is not killed indeed; and, for the morebetter assurance, tell them that I, Pyramus, am notPyramus, but Bottom the weaver: this will put themout of fear.QUINCEWell, we will have such a prologue; and it shall bewritten in eight and six.BOTTOMNo, make it two more; let it be written in eight and eight.

William Shakespeare

I said the first thing that came into my head unfortunately. "Save the drama for your mama " I told her just like an eleven-year-old.

Charlaine Harris

I saw myself driving through Eternity in a timeless taxi.

Katherine Mansfield

What if two people want to be your partner, then what?

Emily Giffin

Hello, my name is Jaako and I am an addict. I am addicted to reading.

Jaako J. Wallenius

[On writing Jeeves and Wooster stories]:You tell yourself that you can take Jeeves stories or leave them alone, that one more can't possibly hurt you, because you know you can pull up whenever you feel like it, but it is merely wish-full thinking. The craving has gripped you and there is no resisting it.You have passed the point of no return.

P.G. Wodehouse

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

Saurabh Sharma

Lhyn watched her with a smile. “You do realize that’s your fourth cup and it’s not even midmeal. Shouldn’t you be starting a bit lower than full addict level?” “I am a full addict; what’s the use in pretending? Besides, it’s only three and a half cups.

Fletcher DeLancey

Not much more than a broke disgrace who's hooked on tonics, so excuse him if his poker face has puke on it.

Hannibal Lecture

Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!

Terry Pratchett

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost all their money when the company goes under.

Amy Sommers

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the moment.

Amy Sommers

There is no romance without finance.

John Fox

Ignorance is bliss, except when it hurts

Paul Knott

If you owe ten pounds to the Bank of England, you get thrown in jail, but if you owe a million pounds, they invite you to sit on the Board

Philippe Riès

Certain brands of guilt can be inculcated in a secular way but other brands of guilt can only be obtained with reference to the metaphysical.

Sarah Ruhl

In the Code of Canon Law, it states clearly: 'A person who is conscious of grave sin is not to celebrate Mass or receive the body of the Lord without previous sacramental confession.' I haven’t attended confession in well over a decade, and that’s less because of dogmatic conflict than it is because of moral cowardice. Deeper than that, maybe I don’t want to be forgiven. I want to be punished. Which may be just about the most selfish, egotistical thought I’ve ever had. I’m sick with self-love. Or self-loathing. After all, they’re both essentially the same thing.

Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

With all her finesse for cleaning, Snag sometimes felt that her biggest contribution to mankind was making a mess of things.

Seré Prince Halverson

A generous donor (who had no doubt lived a life that imperiled his mortal soul) had granted [the Sisters] more than one hundred waterfront acres.

Kristin Hannah

Just because you act a little guilty doesn't mean you're innocent.

Charlie Chan

I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.

David Sedaris

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

Evan Esar

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Woody Allen

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Patriot Act" In theater and football, it's the last act before it's curtains for Seahawks opponents.

Matthew Heines

I admire the person who can write it right off. Mencken once said that a person who thinks clearly can write well. But I don't think clearly--too many thoughts bump into one another. Trains of thought run on a track of the Central Nervous System--the New York Central Nervous System, to make it worse.

James Thurber

What's my favorite part that I've written? That’s like asking me to choose which of my kids is least ugly!

Matthew Catania

It’s what happens when you shoot someone,” Wayne pointed out. “At least, usually someone has the good sense to get dead when you go to all the trouble to shoot them.

Brandon Sanderson

Eventually our whole world, every culture, will explode and we'll all just be fucking cosmic dust. We'll all dissipate. We'll all be nothing and everything. What's more spiritual than that?

Dash Shaw

A heart? Peppone knows where one is to be met with. There is always someone in the black market in need of dying early.

Michelle Franklin

Time flies when you grow fangs and fur.

Dianna Hardy

Caterpillars can fly, if they just lighten up.

Scott J. Simmerman Ph.D.

He was just drifting off to sleep when it occurred to him that perhaps the dog was not so ordinary after all. Perhaps he was someone the ogre had changed, and Ivo was going to spend the night hugging a headmaster or a tax inspector

Eva Ibbotson

The cat arrived with a bottle of Scotch.

Christopher S. Wren

Previous 1 … 31 32 33 34 35 … 222 Next

Humor Quotes - Page 33

Related Topics