Humor Quotes - Page 29

Here you have learned the theories of life," continued the Headmaster, resuming the thread of his discourse, "but after all, life is not a matter of theories. Life is a matter of facts. It calls on the young and the old alike to face these facts, even though they are hard and sometimes unpleasant. Your problem, for example, is to slay dragons.

Heywood Broun

The table was covered with food like roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast turkey, roast liquorice and, the centrepiece, a roasted knight.

Elias Zapple

Dragons are among the most ancient spirits. Their origins are not known, but they significantly predate the rise of man. [This author advises the reader never to ask a dragon about the early days of humanity, as they tend to remark that we were much more entertaining as a species before we climbed down from the trees.]

Amy Rae Durreson

Now then," he mused, "how does one fly a dragon?

Nicole Sager

What goes up must come down, unless a dragon eats it.

Brian Rathbone

Among the dragons, the prohibition against asking direct questions did not exist, and-as Harrier discovered immediately-dragons were even more outrageous gossips than sailors.

Mercedes Lackey

You want us to bargain with a lizard?”“They’re not lizards, Father. They’re extraordinary creatures who werehere long before any human was crawling on this earth. They are warriorsand scholars and—”“He has long hair like a woman,” one of Sigmar’s sons blathered

G.A. Aiken

Dragons didn’t fool around when it came to protecting things that they acquired—be it gold, gems, or a monster’s body parts.

Lisa Shearin

I'm sorry, but dragons don't come in pink.

Stephen Dunkley

Hi, you've reached Caitlin! I'm either on the other line or I'm purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again... Leave a message and if I deem you worthy, or at least hot, I'll call you back. Mwah!

Mari Mancusi

The voices belonged to dragons.Five of them lay on or sprawled over or curled around the various rocks and columns that filled the huge cave where Cimorene stood. Each of the males (there were three) had two short, stubby, sharp-looking horns on either side of their heads; the female dragon had three, one on each side and one in the center of her forehead. The last dragon was apparently still too young to have made up its mind which sex it wanted to be; it didn't have any horns at all.

Patricia C. Wrede

The first time I saw Cricket, I loved her. Little did I know that skinny, goofy girl would one day grow up to be a great dragon slayer. I would have pegged her for a shoemaker.

Ash Gray

We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop.”"Did it taste like poop?" Hank inquired as he quickly pulled into a rest stop filled with church buses."Since I don't eat poop," Dima snapped, "I wouldn't know.""But you do eat people?""I do not eat people," she yelled."But your people eat people?" I prodded nicely."Occasionally," she hissed. "And your people sniff each other's asses when in animal form..."She had a point - and a foul one at that.

Robyn Peterman

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

Margaret Weis

Serpentfire can burn for a very long time if the bagic is strong," said Aldric. "It's hard to handle, that kind of fire, it seems to have a mind of its own, but it can be a good tool if you have nothing else. You never, ever want to use it unless you need it. I keep it around in case of dire circumstances. I hate to admit that anything Serpentine can be useful." Absentmindedly he picked up a Dragon's claw from a pile of them on the tabe, and used it to stratch his neck.

Jason Hightman

That's the thing with Holy Moses: big as a house and scary as heck if you don't know him, but Charley Manson and his whole family could come parading through here and he'd give them you room key for a slice of sharp cheddar." --Ms. Fisher, The Last Stop

Kirt J. Boyd

I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear

Josh Stern

Paranormal. It rolls off the tongue with such poetry but it means something like, beyond normal. There is nothing paranormal about magic. Magic is the norm. —Penny SweeneyMagic All Around

Marcy L. Peska

It's kind of interesting you're driving a car big enough for a wolfhound and a mastiff to get in the back of today," I said."And a greyhound, a dark brown bear, and a brindle utility vehicle," said Jill."Greyhounds don't take up much room," I said. "They're like dog silhouettes.

Robin McKinley

Is your dog in a coma?" Quinn asked when the dog didn't move a muscle."No. Lump leads an active and demanding internal life that requires long periods of rest.

Nora Roberts

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them.

Laurie Notaro

It does no good to bark at the television,I said. I’ve tried it too. So he stopped.

Mary Oliver

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.

Chelsea Handler

You're here. I'm here. I love you. I'm gonna pee all over the floor about it.

Jen Sincero

When the soul-penetrating pathos she was beaming at me failed to prevent me from continuing to put things in boxes, the helper dog became increasingly alarmed. Over the ensuing few days, she slowly descended into psychological chaos. The simple dog remained unfazed.

Allie Brosh

Maria, groaning for scraps, would drape his head on my feet as I ate, trying to camouflage himself as my napkin or the rug.

Arthur Phillips

You've got to have, like, a lentil for a soul to hate wiener dogs.

Laini Taylor

What do you have in mind? Rebuild the city?" Eric asks. "Or should we skip to the repopulating part?""Shut up," Jost commands. "You aren't funny.""Why? That's the nice part of getting stuck on a completely forsaken piece of dirt.""You better hope that you find someone to help you do it then, because she's taken. I'm sure there's a nice dog around here somewhere. Maybe you should stick to your own species," Jost says.

Gennifer Albin

It was an ancient policy with her to be on good terms with anything that outweighed her and had so many teeth, so she broke the bacon in two and gave him the smaller piece. He was a dog. He would not realize he had been slighted.

Joanna Bourne

On the steps leading to a doorwas a scrub brush that was blue.I snatched it quick and ran for homebecause it was just the thing to chew.

Melinda K. Trotter

Watch the book trailer to be released 10/4/16On You Tube / TheFabulousBookwormzillas

The Fabulous Bookwormzillas!

Watch the book trailer on You Tube /TheFabulousBookwormzillas

The Fabulous Bookwormzillas!

I pulled my suitcase out of the backseat of my bug, along with Cannoli's new travel case, a spiffy animal print pet backpack on wheels. When I first saw it, I thought maybe the dog was supposed to wear the backpack, but it turned out the person wore the backpack with the dog in it.

Claire Cook

There also wasn't one single bit of grass or dirt outside the airport. Even the median strip was a concrete sidewalk. Where did Atlanta's pet travelers pee? Maybe city dogs just learned to use the sidewalk. We kept walking. It looked like if we crossed the road that all the cars used to get onto the highway, we might come to a planted-up area, but we also might get killed. Finally, I just lifted Cannoli up and plopped her down on a great big ashtray built into the top of the trash barrel. "Good thing you're not a German shepherd," I said.

Claire Cook

Go on Louis, jump up,” I’d say every day for the first three months. From the vacant look on his face, I may as well have asked him to solve a Rubik cube puzzle.

Cee Tee Jackson

What the fuck does he think he's doing anyway? And when has running around in a figure eight ever helped anyone?

C.K. Kelly Martin

Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.

David Sedaris

I confronted the fact that I was not only talking to a dog, but answering for one.

Claire Cook

I am his Highness' dog at Kew;Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?

Alexander Pope

You know where we got stuck? We were looking for faithfull, loving and perfect relationships-males who were always glad to see us." "So?" "We already have that!" "What do you mean?" "We've got dogs!

Joan Bauer

Why do dachshunds wear their ears inside out?

P.G. Wodehouse

We're going to investigate," Fireheart meowed. "We can't decide how to get rid of these dogs until we know exactly what we have to face. We're not going to attack them, not yet-have you got that, Cloudtail?"Cloudtail's blue eyes burned into his, and he did not reply."I won't take you, Cloudtail, unless you promise to do as you're told without question.""Oh, all right." The tip of Cloudtail's tail flicked irritably. "I want every last dog turned into crowfood, but I'll do it you're way, Fireheart.""Good." Fireheart's gaze swept over the rest of the patrol. "Any questions?""What if we come across Tigerstar?" asked Sandstorm."A cat from another Clan on our territory?" Fireheart bared his teeth. "Yes, you can attack him.Cloudtil let out a growl of satisfaction.

Erin Hunter

I say, thirteen is too many dogs for good mental health. Five is pretty much the limit. More than five dogs and you forfeit your right to call yourself entirely sane.Even if the dogs are small.

E. Lockhart

Labor is a man crowning glory.""Not this man's.""I quote Marx"I raised my hands. The pickaxe handle had been rough."I quote blisters.

John Fowles

I don't wanna be the joker who makes eyes full of tears in the end

Ags Orachimaruu

There were no footmarks.''Meaning that you saw none?''I assure you, sir, that there were none.''My good Hopkins, I have investigated many crimes, but I have never yet seen one which was committed by a flying creature. As long as the criminal remains upon two legs so long must there be some indentation, some abrasion, some trifling displacement which can be detected by the scientific searcher.

Arthur Conan Doyle

I'm fine," Kate said. "In fact, since my last two dates were so awful, things can only get better.""Bad deduction," Jessie said. "If that were true, I'd be dating Harrison Ford by now.

Jennifer Crusie

Chana knows, I wondered sometimes how I raised that child without strangling her. By age six, [Jasnah] was pointing out my logical fallacies as I tried to get her to go to bed on time.

Brandon Sanderson

Braith turned and saw three of her cousins sunning themselves on boulders. Like lizards. Lizards in human form.“What are you doing?” Braith asked.“Enjoying the suns,” replied one.“It gives our scales a lovely bright hue,” said another.Braith blinked. “Except you’re all in your human form. So how does that help your scales?”They stared at her for several seconds before one stated, “You’re a bit of a know-it-all, aren’t you?”“How is that . . .” Braith shook her head. She wouldn’t go from arguing with one idiot to arguing with three.

G.A. Aiken

Like, a flood seems like a great way to punish every living creature in the world except for fish. What the hell is a god supposed to do when all the FISH start being assholes?

Cory O'Brien

When speaking to an asshole, why expect anything but shit?

Donna Marie Timney

Captain Vimes believed in logic, in much the same way as a man in a desert believed in ice -- i.e., it was something he really needed, but this just wasn't the world for it.

Terry Pratchett

Now, me lord, you know you oughtn’t talk like that at this hour of the morning. Yougot to pardon his lordship, sir,” he said apologetically to Jones. “His father—theduke, you know—had him schooled in logic. He can’t really help it, like.” Spoken by a most loyal valet, Tom Bryd, in defense of the inherit workings of the mind of his employer, Lord John Grey

Diana Gabaldon

Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus:Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.

Ambrose Bierce

It seemed to me,' said Wonko the Sane, 'that any civilization that had so far lost its head as to need to include a set of detailed instructions for use in a package of toothpicks, was no longer a civilization in which I could live and stay sane.

Douglas Adams

If it doesn't make sense, it's usually not true.

Judy Sheindlin

I don't know what I expected – no maybe I do, Al Pacino from Scarface- but this drug dealer is more like Al Pacino at the beginning of The Godfather reasonably bemused, untouched by his criminal world, sitting with Diane Keaton whispering about Luca Brazzi, not yet asleep with the fishes, or like Al Pacino from Glengarry Glen Ross, although actually, now that I think about it, he's not like Al Pacino at all but more like Kevin Spacey from that film, and who's ever been afraid of Kevin Spacey?

Jess Walter

(…) met the owner of this cozy book-and-candle Apt. G, a tall, leggy, striking girl named Bea or maybe just the letter B or maybe the insect Bee, not sure, her long blond hair pulled in a ponytail, her no-doubt banging body effortlessly buried beneath a pile of tights and sweaters and scarves – she is a walking coat rack – and as we shook hands, Bea fixed me with the most alarming blue-eyed stare of my life, the kind of stare in which you think some potent subliminal message is being passed along (Run away with me or maybe just Run away), (…)

Jess Walter

Veeva should count her blessings. Three years ago it was cocaine and a year ago it was crack and lemme tell you, that stuff you got to have. You do anything for that high." He laughed again, savoring his memories. "Where do you think the furniture went? Up my nose, that’s where. She finally had me carted out of here screaming like an insane man. Spent some time in Bellevue with little sparkly bugs coming out my orifices. Compared to that being a drunk is practically a sensible existence.

Dan Ahearn

Kill the body and the head will die.

Hunter S. Thompson

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Humor Quotes - Page 29

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