Humor Quotes - Page 20

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

Let's worry like mad. Shall we start on a worldwide basis and work down to ourselves, or start with ourselves and spread?""I'm going to do me-and-Peter and that dead

Batman: What have I told you about trusting dangerous and obsessive criminal geniuses?Wonder Woman: To be fair, you tend to warn everyone about everything.Batman: Point.

Landry Q. Walker

Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.

When 1:45 came, half the class left, and Danny Hupfer whispered, "If she gives you a cream puff after we leave, I'm going to kill you" - which was not something that someone headed off to prepare for his bar mitzvah should be thinking.When 1:55 came and the other half of the class left, Meryl Lee whispered, "If she gives you one after we leave, I'm going to do Number 408 to you." I didn't remember what Number 408 was, but it was probably pretty close to what Danny Hupfer had promised.Even Mai Thi looked at me with narrowed eyes and said, "I know your home." Which sounded pretty ominous.

Gary D. Schmidt

I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

One day, I want enough money to be at the center of a corruption scandal.

We will meet; and there we may rehearse mostobscenely and courageously.Shakespeare, Midsummer Night's Dream. Spoken by Bottom, Act I Sc. 2

William Shakespeare

As Shakespeare says, if you're going to do a thing you might as well pop right at it and get it over.

JAQUES: Rosalind is your love's name?ORLANDO: Yes, just.JAQUES: I do not like her name.ORLANDO: There was no thought of pleasing you when she was christened.

William Shakespeare

Into the breach, then. Against mobs of middle-aged moms and frightening harridans we shall prevail.”She nodded sharply, raising an invisible sword. “And damned be he—she—who cries, ‘Hold, enough!’”“Misquote Shakespeare in front of Samuel, I dare you,” I told her, and she laughed.

Patricia Briggs

Hark,” he said, his tone very dry. “What stone through yonder window breaks?”Kami yelled up at him, “It is the east, and Juliet is a jerk!

Sarah Rees Brennan

You are full of pretty answers. Have you not been acquainted with goldsmiths' wives and conned them out of rings?

William Shakespeare

Here comes a pair of very strange beast, which in all tongues are called "fools".

Bill Shakespeare

He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.

William Shakespeare

to pee or not to pee that is the question

lucy fieldinghouse

I gave you all!" screeched Lear, waving a palsied claw at Regan."And you took your bloody time giving it, too, you senile old fuck," said Regan.

Christopher Moore

Beatrice: I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior Benedick: nobody marks you.Benedick: What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?

William Shakespeare

BEROWNE: What time o' day?ROSALINE: The hour that fools should ask.

William Shakespeare

Everybody needs a career manager."- Lady Macbeth

Robert Lynn Asprin

And now to sleep, to dream...perchance to fart.

Anthony Bourdain

LEELA: 'To be, or not to be, that is the question.' That is a very stupid question!THE DOCTOR: It's Shakespeare.LEELA: And that is a very stupid name. You do not shake a spear, you throw it! Throwspeare, now that is a name.

It seems only fair," Matthew continued. "A bit of karma, if you will." He twirled the stake again. "Shall we see how long you scream?""Are you ever going to shut up?" I snapped, fear and irritation filling me in equal measures. "This isn't your monologue, Hamlet. It's the battle scene, in case you've forgotten."His eyes narrowed so fast they nearly sparked. They were the color of honey on fire. One of the others growled like an animal, low in his throat. It made all the hairs on my arms stand straight up.I was going to die for making fun of Shakespeare.My English Lit professor would be so proud.

Alyxandra Harvey

He kills her in her own humor.

William Shakespeare

I really should be studying now, but you're much more important to me than a .50 calibre machine gun.

Kara Martinelli

I mean-- no offense, Leonard, but you really don't like to climb ropes, and get into the Marine Corps, and kill your countriy's enemies, do you?"I said that it wasn't one of the big goals of my life."Well, maybe you'd like me to get you into this corrective gym class, where you can study toe dancing, and grow up to be a little Commie, sissy boy," Mr. Jerris said.I told him I would like that just fine…

Daniel Pinkwater

Take Tom Jones and mix him with Enrico Caruso, the Italian tenor-cum-castrato singer. Then add tons of pathetic love songs, faked sex appeal and musical kleptomania focusing on Western hits from the 1970s. Spice it up with a political flexibility rare even for Central European standards and a personal status close to that of the Pope. What do you get? Karel Gott, Czech pop music's most mega-super, long-lasting and brightest star.

Terje B. Englund

Although i hate having to admit this, but the one good thing those annoying communists did right was to treat religion like a type of addiction and completely banned all practicies of it-Tanya Degurechaff (Youjo Senki)

Logically, when Maestro Gott some years ago, after an especially cruel critic had compared him to "a zombie who causes acute depression to innocent radio listeners", decided to stop performing in protest, the situation was considered so grave that the Minister of Culture himself went to console the deeply insulted star.

Terje B. Englund

I was not extremely patriotic about Mother Russia. I played their game, pretending. You have to deal with, you know, party people, KGB. Horrifying.

Mikhail Baryshnikov

Then the glow grew brighter: a holographic golden sickle with a few sheaves of wheat, rotating just above Meg McCaffrey.A boy in the crowd gasped. "She's a communist!

Here's your first problem," he said, pointing at a sentence. "'Religion is the opium of the people.' Well, I don't know about people, but I think you'll find that the opium of pirates is actual opium.

I could use you—if you pass the tests, of course. There are three of them. You have passed the first.""What are the other—" Hrun paused, his lips moved soundlessly and then he hazarded, "two?

Terry Pratchett

Madonna's- Justify My Love, follows us into the lounge, where several men, seated at the tables, eye us like hungry lions as we walk through. Tiger asked, "So, this is a WHOREhouse?""Actually, a gay BATHhouse. I hope you don't mind that I'm a little bit of a SLUT-puppy.""MIND? NO. You're MY HERO.

Three months before I met you, I was looking for the next thrill, the next party, the next girl. And then I walked in and found you perched in my kitchen like the most beautifully confident creature I'd ever seen, and I knew you'd be a wildfire.

R.S Grey

You challenged me from the very beginning and I tried to resist you, but I knew even then that I wasn't going to walk away without you by my side.

R.S Grey

Are you the stuff that hero's are made of? Or are you a jellyfish in a skirt?

Cressida Cowell

No," he said hoarsely, "the chair will do just fine, thank you.""If I know you are uncomfortable, I shan't be able to sleep." She sounded remarkably like a damsel in distress.Dunford shuddered. He had never been able to resist playing hero. Slowly he got to his feet and walked to the empty side of the bed.How bad could it be?

Leo grabbed the neasrest thing he could find- a Porta-Potty seat- and threw it at the face. Leve me alone!

Adam has always had . . . heroic tendencies.”I touched Adam’s arm. “He’s my hero.”There was another pause. . .“That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard you say,” Bran said. “Be careful, Adam, or you’ll turn her into a real girl.”Adam looked at me. “I like her just the way she is, Bran.” And he meant it, greasy overalls, broken fingernails, and all.

Patricia Briggs

Not just in America. When I left my primary school, my father said, 'Son, you are now a man,' then he gave me a scented candle and told me how babies are made." Vik fought to keep his lips from twitching.

I looked at the images hanging on the walls, wanting to find those things in her pictures. My favorite was directly across from me: a photo of a beaten, weathered hull of a rowboat. I knew about as much about boats as I did photography, which was next to nothing, but that boat wasn’t going anywhere near the water anytime soon unless the owner decided it would make a mediocre shipwreck to explore while scuba diving. Nevertheless, it faced the out-of-focus lake in the background, almost hopefully, as if it hadn’t yet decided its best days were gone, as if it still dreamed of bobbing peacefully on the waves.“Does that one have a name?” I asked.She smiled. “Seaworthy.

I know supposedly God has anger, vengeance, and wrath, and if he doesn’t have a sense of humor I’m in big trouble!

Stanley Victor Paskavich

Why was the judgement of the disapproving so valuable? Who said that their good opinions tended to be any more rational than those of generally pleasant people?

Kenzie took two staggering steps backward, staring at the feeline as if in a daze. "O-kay," she breathed, shaking her head slightly. "A cat. A cat that talks. I'm going crazy." she glanced at me. " Or you slipped something into my drink at the tournament. One or the other.

There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts.

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification

Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

I’m going crazy, Louis thought wonderingly. Wheeeeee!

I also found it particularly encouraging that the decent people in his life were now outnumbering the crazy bitches

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow

Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

Day had gotten a little nervous during one session when the doctor asked God how he would handle someone hurting Day now and his lover responded by jerking one side of his leather coat open and pulling his long blade from its sheathe. “Easy, I’d cut their fucking arm off and beat the shit out of them with it,” he’d said. But Day quickly started laughing and told the concerned doctor that his partner was just playing. After popping God hard in his stomach, God agreed and said he was indeed joking. When the doctor went back to writing on her legal pad, God mouthed to him, “No I’m not.

A.E. Via

There really is no sense in pretending to be normal. Just be you because the moment you do, weirder things happen. Crazy comes back into fashion and every woman has to go out and find her some.

Shannon L. Alder

Once I had her clean, I wrapped her in a towel and carried her back to the bed. A small red bloodstain was on the sheets, and again the possessive monster inside me threw back his head and roared his pleasure. I stood there holding her and letting the proof I was the only man to be inside her wash over me.Blythe turned her head, and I felt her stiffen in my arms. “Oh, I can clean that up,” she said, starting to wiggle.I pulled her tighter to my chest. “No. I’m going to dry you off and hold you some more. I like seeing that blood. I did that,” The pleasure in my voice made Blythe smile.

If a 6 foot tall talking Badger comes to your door with a great deal on health insurance, be certain to ask if it includes in-patient psychiatric care.

David C. Holley

Quit analyzing me. My crazy needs no definition.

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