Humor Quotes - Page 18

[Hades] returned his attention to the playlist while I eased the car back on the road. His fingers flipped deftly over the screen. 'Orpheus...Dusk...Orpheus...Dusk...do you have anything on here that doesn't make people want to jump off a cliff?' ... 'I'm driving. When you learn to drive something more modern than a horse and buggy, we can listen to your music.''I can drive!''Did they even have cars the last time you can to the surface?' I teased.'Yes.''Not counting the minute and a half you spent rescuing me last year?'Hades fell silent, and I laughed. 'I didn't think so.

Kaitlin Bevis

Behold, my children!" she said. "The instrument of my revenge. I will call it a scythe!"The Titans muttered among themselves: What is that for? Why is it curved? How do you spell scythe?

Rick Riordan

Helios thought he looked pretty hot, and he had an annoying habit of calling the sun his "chick magnet.

Rick Riordan

Why are you singing?” Daniel asked. “You’re just lying in the dirt and singing. That’s weird. I thought you were supposed to be some kind of scary monster.

Amanda Hocking

Some legends say that Hera's breast milk sprayed across the sky and created the Milky Way. I don't know. That seems like a whole lot of solar systems from just one squirt

Rick Riordan

Have I cheated death again? Hades must be allergic to me.

Amanda Bouchet

I sort of fell.""Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet?

Rick Riordan

Humor is the touchstone of the truly mythological as distinct from the more literal-minded and sentimental theological mood.

Joseph Campbell

Excercise is nothing more than a depressing reminder that one is not a god.

Rick Riordan

Pegasus's dad was poseidon, the god of the sea, and his mom was Medusa, and evil Gorgon who had fangs and lizard skin and living snakes for hair. And you thought your family was weird.

Evan Kuhlman

This coming from the god who zinged Guinevere and Lancelot while King Arthur was away slaying dragons.

Tai

Instantly, the pair fell to groping one other as if each had puff the magic dragon at a rock concert in Woodstock.

Tai

Lady, I was gonna cut you some slack, 'cause you're a major mythological figure...but now you've just gone nuts!

Mike Mignola

Hi, this is Ganymede, cup-bearer to Zeus, and when I'm out buying wine for the Lord of the Skies, I always buckle up!

Rick Riordan

Even Cronus, the Titan who literally had his kids for breakfast, would find these facts hard to swallow.

Tai

In winter this town is freezing. You step out your door in the morning and the whole place looks like one of those nature specials in which a guy brings a camcorder to the North Pole and then the camera cuts out and you hear on the news that he got eaten by a bear

Flynn Meaney

Groundhog found fog. New snows and blue toes. Fine and dandy for Valentine candy. Snow spittin'; if you're not mitten-smitten, you'll be frostbitten! By jing-y feels spring-y.

Old Farmer's Almanac

Wintry it ain't- no complaints! Snowier: Storefronts are showier, light displays glowier. Shoppers are prowling, blizzard howling! Drifts a-heaping, lords a-leaping, Yule logs burning, gifts returning. Winds are keen for 2015!

The Old Farmer's Alamanac

At my place I can really tell when winter has come.. It's when sunlight is pathetically crawling in my courtyard, incapable of reaching my window anymore.

Boulet

I love winter. The bugs are dead, and the people are indoors.

Dennis Ruane

She deigned to asked me how ice queens reproduce. I grinned, and her mother looked horrified.“We procreate by way of ice cubes, of course. We put them in our nests and let them incubate for the period of about four months, and when the temperature is right, we put them out to roost and let them flake off into billions of snowflakes, rather like tadpoles breaking in droves from their eggs. And that, child,” I said, with a simulacrum of glee, “is how winter is born.”“Does it hurt?”“No more than the approach of Monday does to most of the world. It is a natural process, you understand, but it is dreadful hard work.

Michelle Franklin

As a kid, snow served the useful purpose of closing schools. As an adult—it shuts down any activity a decent, suntanned person over the age of thirty-five enjoys. I don’t do snow forts, snowballs, snow angels, snowmen, snowmobiles, or snowshoes. I don’t like to walk in it, drive in it, ski on it, or sled on it. Other than that, snow is just ducky.

Michael Holbrook

I'm going to make it a law that the correct way to address your sovereign is my giving a high five.' Kai's smiled brightened. 'That's genius. Me too.

Marissa Meyer

I gave three quiet cheers for Minnesota. In Seattle a dusty inch of anything white and chilly means the city lapses into full-on panic mode, as if each falling flake crashes to earth with its own individual baggie of used hypodermic needles. It’s ridiculous.

Cherie Priest

When you have nothing to lose, you have everything to gain...

Wayne J. Keeley

Bloody ashes, woman. This isn't a metaphor for anything! It's just boots.

Robert Jordan

Want wisdom? Laugh at yourself.

Maggie Bishop

If more Africans had eaten missionaries, the continent would be in better shape.

Maya Angelou

There is a distressing but not uncommon condition of presidents and other world leaders known as Worrying about Africa. It is usually picked up overseas as at summit meeting on world poverty or disease, and symptoms include painful twinges of guilt over the discrepancy between First and Third World wealth, uncomfortable feelings somewhere below the stomach that perhaps unfettered capitalism is not the benevolent force for good we are constantly assured it is, and frequent attacks of calling for Something to Be Done. The best remedy is invariably a stiff dose of domestic crisis.

Nicholas Drayson

I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa.

Britney Spears

I never saw quite so wretched an example of what a sea-faring life can do: but to a degree, I know it is the same with them all; they are all knocked about, and exposed to every climate, and every weather, till they are not fit to be seen. It is a pity they are not knocked on the head at once, before they reach Admiral Baldwin's age.

Jane Austen

If a problem is clearly stated, it has no further interest to the physicist.

Peter Debye

A mathematician may say anything he pleases, but a physicist must be at least partially sane.

J.Williard Gibbs

This is 911 dispatch, and the nature of your emergency… fire, ambulance, police or… physics?

Simon Oliver

[..] when we get down to the subatomic level, the solid world we live in also consists, again rather worryingly, of almost nothing and that wherever we do find something it turns out not to actually something, but only the probability that there may something there.

Douglas Adams

I love shark week, all kids swim for free

Josh Stern

Frederick left the young couple gazing into each other’s eyes. Revolting, the way otherwise sensible people could carry on, he decided. Something to do with being married, no doubt. Perhaps it damaged the brain.

Caroline Stevermer

The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her side.

Carol Petrie

Kids are baby goats. They're cute and they have redeeming social value. You are definitely not kids.

Rick Riordan

I was banished,” said Reven proudly.“What for?” Elfwyn pressed.“The king said I was anathema.”“He doesn’t like athemas?”“Anathema means, like, accursed,” said Jinx. “Probably it was for robbing people.

Sage Blackwood

Lollipop had been her nickname for me as long as I could remember. I asked her how she came up with the name, and she told me sometimes kids are sweet, and sometimes they just need a good lickin'.

Lacey Weatherford

Never buy your kid a Puzzle that you can't solve!

Yatin Patel

Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.

Jim Gaffigan

When I was a wee little kid," remarked Roic, watching over their shoulders, "there was a time I thought that any skinny old man I saw was my grandfather. It was pretty confusing.

Lois McMaster Bujold

Daddy,” said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, “you are a poo-poo head!”Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. “John,” he said, “no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head.

Christopher Andersen

everything is negotiable. everything.

Kay M. Rutherford

Our car would've burned up too, but Michael, who is only twelve, got in it and backed it away. I climbed in with him and noticed some of my school books in the car, so I took them out and threw them in the fire. I figured it would save me from doing a lot of homework, but unfortunately under the headline in the paper the next day that said HARPER'S MALT SHOP BURNS TO THE GROUND IN TRAGIC FIRE it also said that seen throwing her school books into the fire was little Daisy Fay Harper. Rat's foot! No wonder Hollywood stars hate reporters, and after all that some busybody do-gooder has already bought me a new set of books.

Fannie Flagg

Oooh...Aunt Chelsea called Jake the D-word!"Rory's voice carries into the kitchen. "Dipshit?""No.""Dumbass?""No.""Douchebag?""What's a douchebag?""Rory!" Chelsea and I yell at exactly the same time.

Emma Chase

My new apartment might be a place where there are lots of children. They might gather on my porch to play, and when I step out for groceries, they will ask me, "Hi, do you have any kids?" and then, "Why not, don't you like kids?""I like kids," I will explain. "I like kids very much." And when I almost run over them with my car, in my driveway, I will feel many different things.

Lorrie Moore

My friends never seem to yell at their kids. Even when their kids are behaving hideously, they pull them aside and say, now sweetie, you know you shouldn't, blah, blah, blah. Please don't yadda, yadda, okay sweetie? Maybe it's some bullshit show they put on for non-family members, but I'd have to be on happy pills to act like that

Brenda Wilhelmson

He turned the entire living room into an airport, complete with a four-foot-high LEGO traffic control tower and a fleet of paper planes, plastic army pilots taped safely into their cockpits. From deep beneath the couch, a large utility flashlight illuminates some sort of...landing strip? I crouch down for a better look.Oh. My. God.Stuck to the carpet in parallel, unbroken paths from one wall to the other are two lanes of brand-new maxi pads. Plastic dinosaurs stand guard at every fourth pad–triceratops and T rexes on one side, brontosauruses and pterodactyls on the other–protecting the airport from enemy aircraft and/or heavy flow.

Sarah Ockler

Charlene says:I hope I can be a star. I want to be able to set goals so I know where I'm going. It feels like I've been sort of floating around without being sure where I'd end up because I haven't figured out what I'd really like to do.

Deanie Humphrys-Dunne

To the champ, everything is serious business. I'm hoping that he'll live long enough to learn that in this world that is a very dangerous attitude.

Stephen King

Charlene says:I heard I'm being moved to Jumping for Joy farm. That sounds like a happy place to be. I'll learn a lot about jumping. Maybe it's different than jumping up and down like I do when I'm having a tantrum.

Deanie Humphrys-Dunne

Excerpt:Here are some thoughts from Charlene the Star:“I’ll bet that’s why Mama put the word “Star” in myname. I have a feeling I’m going to be a star as a jumper.

Deanie Humphrys-Dunne

Charlene's thoughts:I'm next in the green jumper's Class. I thought I'd be in the red jumpers' class because of my red hair.

Deanie Humphrys-Dunne

Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope...""Never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves.""No, sir.""There are times when one wants to hear all about the poet Pope and times when one doesn't.""Very true, sir.

P.G. Wodehouse

You can't believe that AIDS is a curse from God against Gays without accepting that Lyme Disease is a curse from the same God against Deer Hunters...

T. Rafael Cimino

A story once went the rounds of Israel to the effect that Ben-Gurion described me as 'the only man' in his cabinet. What amused me about is that he (or whoever invented the story) thought that this was the greatest compliment that could be paid to a woman. I very much doubt that any man would have been flattered if I had said about him that he was the only woman in the government!

Golda Meir

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Mary Louise Cecilia "Texas" Guinan

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Humor Quotes - Page 18

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