Humor Quotes - Page 17

Birds that cannot fly high into the sky rejoice exceedingly and sing sweet melodies when they get to the top of the tallest tree on the highest mountain!

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

Stop fretting and eat your Madeira Cake..

Diane Samuels

....Love is not only wired, but elusive too.

Farooq A. Shiekh

Artists are dishonest creatures really. They foist their version of reality upon us while making it all up. Writers, painters, musicians, auteurs—they’re all the same.

Tom Gething from "Sabotage"

Girls do go for the finely-chiselled. And apart from his looks, he's and artist, and there's something about artists that seems to act on the other sex like catnip on cats.

P.G. Wodehouse

Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe. Now go sweep the steps.

Christopher Moore

When the management iceberg is shaped like a huge phallus, you know that there are a lot of tossers that the top penguin has had to climb over to reach the tip and that there is no shortage of the same caliber of penguin in the balls and shaft of the corporation, just waiting for their chance to get a spurt to the top. Should I sugar coat this a little more? or tell it like it is?

Daniel Prokop

His smile was so wide he’d have had to break it into sections to fit it through a doorway

Jerry Spinelli

For somewhere," said Poirot to himself, indulging in an absolute riot of mixed metaphors, "there is in the hay a needle, and among the sleeping dogs there is one on whom I shall put my foot, and by shooting the arrows into the air, one will come down and hit a glass house!

Agatha Christie

Delia was an overbearing cake with condescending frosting, and frankly, I was on a diet.

Maggie Stiefvater

You know you're about as forthcoming as a mime.

Shirley Jump

Mind you,” said Ponder, “the universe does have a rhythm. Day and night, light and dark, life and death—” “Chicken soup and croutons,” said Ridcully. "Well, not evert metaphor bears close examination".

Terry Pratchett

There's a big luscious peach of a dream in L.A. The peach has been repeatedly exposed as overripe and tainted with wormholes... but it's still the only giant peach in town. Even if it's wet-brown and crawling with centipedes, everyone wants their bite.

Cintra Wilson

Charter boats are like books with no covers.

Tania Aebi

Hippos are the very definition of Disney cute. There is no way you could look at a big, fat, squishy, huggable hippo and not think, "Id she could talk like a human, she would sound just like Jada Pinkett Smith and be oh so sassy." You would totally name her Sassy-baskets, and she would be your tutu-wearing, ballet-dancing, strut-walking pal for life. Just you and Sassy-baskets against the world!

Cracked.com

There is a cookie trail of all my interests lodged in some digital sphere which will one day consolidate the collected data of six billion souls and vomit out—I don't know—personalized infomercials for deodorant and car wax.

J. Lincoln Fenn

We are a generation that is obsessed with nostalgia. Everything from the past is so readily available in ways that it never was before and because of that, western civilization will experience a period of arrested growth. The future holds fifty-year-old men and women running Disney Princess blogs. Bank on it.

Jayme K.

I mean, scamming on guys on the Internet? I thought that was only for forty-year-old divorcees who Photoshop their pictures in an effort to appear younger and thinner.

Lauren Barnholdt

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.

Jim Gaffigan

You're not a book person. And now you're not an internet person? What does that leave you?

Rainbow Rowell

described the Internet as “a series of intestines, laid out by a goatherd’s son, spewing bile at both ends

Matt Ruff

And his computer's spell-check always forces him to capitalize the word "Internet". Come on; World War Two earned it's capitalization. The Internet just sucks human beings away from reality.

Douglas Coupland

He tried to look up more about magical curses online – but as usual, the internet wasn’t a huge help, and mostly just its best to convince him he was about to die. - 'Only Human' by Meredith Katz

Meredith Katz

The best way to vanquish your enemies on the Internet? Ignore them.

Austin Kleon

...CompuServe, and it was not sophisticated, guys. It was the cave painting equivalent to Tumblr.

Felicia Day

That was supposed to be the whole purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information.""Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery system?

Christopher Moore

It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-""You invented the inte

Rick Riordan

I'm on the Internet. I stay informed. They let old people on the Internet, you know.

Stephen Emond

My doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven [o'clock]. It makes me talk in my sleep.

Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde: "I wish I had said that." Whistler: "You will, Oscar; you will.

James McNeill Whistler

What odd chaps you painters are! You do anything in the world to gain a reputation. As soon as you have one, you seem to want to throw it away. It is silly of you, for there is only one thing in the world worse than begin talked about, and that is not being talked about. A portrait like this would set you far above all the young men in England, and make the old men jealous, if old men are ever capable of any emotion.

Oscar Wilde

... my heart skips a beat. Seriously, like a CD from the public library, it goes ZZebbTTT and skips.

Brent Crawford

Library-denigrators, pay heed: suggesting that the Internet is a viable substitute for libraries is like saying porn could replace your wife.

Joanne Harris

I was so getting tired of fighting for my life in the library.

Jennifer Estep

He wanted to say: how could you be so nice and yet so dumb? The best thing you could do with the peasents was to leave them alone. Let them get on with it. When people who can read and write start fighting for those who can't, you just end up with another kind of stupidity. If you want to help them, build a big library or something somewhere and leave the door open.

Terry Pratchett

In common with librarians the world over, the two women were used to dealing with a disproportionate quota of odd people acting strangely.

José Latour

She remembered the conversation in the Library, as forgetting was the last thing a fully-trained Librarian should do. Memories were as important as books, and almost as important as proper indexing.

Genevieve Cogman

Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf.Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure.But th' shelf is th' main thing.

Finley Peter Dunne

Why can't I just Google it like everything else?! I hate you public library system!

Vera Brosgol

Harry — I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!”And she sprinted away, up the s

J.K. Rowling

I have always understood that money made in the patent medicine business is a practical bar to social success.

George Presbury Rowell

One of the first things we teach medical students is to listen to the patient by taking a careful medical history. Ninety percent of the time, you can arrive at an uncannily accurate diagnosis by paying close attention, using physical examination and sophisticated lab test to confirm your hunch (and to increase the bill to the insurance company).

V.S. Ramachandran

Chlamydia, today´s most common cause of venereal disease, does the equivalent of hiding in the police station.Schistosomes of the mansoni type go a step further and essentially steal police uniforms. These parasites, a serious cause of liver disease in Asia, pick up blood-group antigens so that they may look to the immune system like our own normal blood cells.

Randolph M. Nesse

The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean - so Bunbury died.He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice.

Oscar Wilde

Western doctors are like poor plumbers. They treat a splashing tube by cleaning up the water. These plumbers are extremely apt at drying up the water, constantly inventing new, expensive, and refined methods of drying up water. Somebody should teach them how to close the tap.

Denis Parsons Burkitt

One popular saying was, "The boy who goes into medicine is too lazy for farm or shop, too stupid for the Bar, and too immoral for the pulpit.

Volney Steele

Like plumbing, medicine is a profession where you learn early on not to put your fingers in your mouth.

Diana Gabaldon

How do you tell the psychiatrists from the patients in the hospital?The patients get better and leave.

Lisa Scottoline

To talk of diseases is a sort of Arabian Nights entertainment.

William Osler

I have done so much medical and scientific research Crashing Life I am thinking about putting PhD behind my name or maybe B.S.

Juanita Ray

Gallows humor is part of having a doctor in the house. Deal with it.

J.R. Ward

...by the end of my first week as an intern, I am just about ready to throw my pager out the window. A high window. Overlooking a trash compactor. Filled with highly corrosive acid.

Michelle Au

Though the doctors treated him, let his blood, and gave him medications to drink, he nevertheless recovered.

Leo Tolstoy

I saved a man's life once," said Granny. "Special medicine, twice a day. Boiled water with a bit of berry juice in it. Told him I'd bought it from the dwarves. That's the biggest part of doct'rin, really. Most people'll get over most things if they put their minds to it, you just have to give them an interest.

Terry Pratchett

Futures can and do change, something as simple as you're supposed to turn right down a street one day... In your bones u know it, and yet for reasons no one understands, you decide to debunk fate and go left. Now instead of meeting your spouse of your dreams and having a house full of kids, you get flattened by an ice-cream truck and spend the next 5 years in physical therapy recovering from the injuries; or worse you die from it. And all cause you exercised free will and turned the opposite way on a whim.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool.” -Janco

Maria V. Snyder

I have been quiet today because fear in my heart has been fighting with frustration in my brain, leaving little energy for my mouth.

Camron Wright

A king may rule the kingdom but the queen still moves the board.

Donna Marie Timney

Inside a wool jacket the man had made a pocket for the treasure and from time to time he would jiggle the pocket, just to make sure that it was still there. And when on the train he rode to work he would jiggle it there also, but he would disguise his jiggling of the treasure on the train by devising a distraction. For example, the man would pretend to be profoundly interested in something outside the train, such as the little girl who seemed to be jumping high up on a trampoline, just high enough so that she could spy the man on the train, and in this way he really did become quite interested in what occurred outside the train, although he would still jiggle the treasure, if only out of habit. Also on the train he'd do a crossword puzzle and check his watch by rolling up his sleeve; when he did so he almost fell asleep. Antoine often felt his life to be more tedious with this treasure, because in order not to be overly noticed he had deemed it wise to fall into as much a routine as possible and do everything as casually as possible, and so, as a consequence, despite the fact that he hated his wife and daughter, he didn't leave them, he came home to them every night and he ate the creamed chicken that his wife would prepare for him, he would accept the large, fleshy hand that would push him around while he sat around in his house in an attempt to read or watch the weather, he took out the trash, he got up on time every morning and took a quick, cold shower, he shaved, he accepted the cold eggs and orange juice and coffee, he picked the newspaper off the patio and took it inside with him to read her the top headlines, and of course he went to the job.

Justin Dobbs

There's my baby!" I cried, quite carried away, "There's my poochiekins!"..."Sadie," My dad said firmly, "Please do not refer to the devourer of souls as 'poochiekins'.

Rick Riordan

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Humor Quotes - Page 17

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